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How to tell if an INTJ is interested in you? None
Old 05-01-2012, 12:39 AM   #1
KelvinDjangoTeo
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I came across this video on youtube. I find it amusingly accurate for me, i thought I might share it with you guys.


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So how can you tell if an INTJ is interested in you?

I've organised the information into stages. Not every INTJ goes through these stages, nor do they have to follow this particular order....

Stage 1: Observation

When an INTJ first discovers that he/she is interested in you, his/her 1st reaction will be to draw back. This will manifest itself in different ways. He/she will treat you as if you are invisible and possibly ignore you, perhaps even to the point of rudeness. This is because feelings are confusing to the INTJ and you, as his/her object of interest, elicit feelings that the INTJ is not accustomed to dealing with. Therefore the first reaction is to take a step back and evaluate the situation, particularly these reactions that (annoyingly) the INTJ (who usually is quite collected), does not seem to have control over. Better adjusted INTJs may interact with you as they normally do. Do not be fooled by this apparent lack of interest. The INTJ is usually absorbing whatever information he/she can about you. It's what we do. If something strikes our fancy, we become experts in it. Any interaction during this stage will be awkward and stilted and you might come away with the impression that the INTJ doesn't really like you.

So indicators at this stage are a little hard to read. So there'd be an awkward lack of interest or the INTJ will go about their regular business but will always be 'tuned in' to you and what you're saying/doing. After all, we're masters of stealth....you can't really tell when we're listening and when we aren't.



Stage 2: Evaluation

In this stage, the INTJ may initiate contact. This can be either direct or indirect. You might find them spending more time around you and they might try to draw you into a conversation, ask you questions to try and get to know you, basically. Don't expect the usual drivel like: How's the weather? What d'you do over the weekend?, etc.... because remember... we cannot abide small talk. Intellectual compatibly is pretty high on an INTJ's list so this is when they gauge whether you 'make the cut. INTJs choose partners just like they choose anything else.... with care. We do the research, weight the pros and cons and then make a decision.... and if the decision is negative, its fairly easy for us to move on. This is not because we are nanomorphic mimetic poly-alloy cyborgs... its because we've assessed a potential partner or relationship and have concluded that it's a waste of time.

So indicators here are, you'll find the INTJ interacting with you more than they normally would in comparison to other classmates/colleagues or acquaintances. Time is important to the INTJ, especially time alone...so if an INTJ is spending time with you rather than writing a random program or reading a complicated book, it's a sure fire way of telling he/she is interested.

Stage 3: Action

When and how an INTJ will make his/her feelings known varies greatly. Some may come right out and say it (expect something more on the lines of a feasibility analysis rather than a mushy declaration of undying love) others might just find themselves 'falling into' a relationship. Signs that an INTJ is really interested in you is when he/she might do things that they wouldn't generally do, but that you find important. Say your band is playing at a pub, he'd/she'd attend even though he/she may not necessarily enjoy going to one. Bear in mind though, you sometimes might have to spell it out for the INTJ.
INTJs revel in optimising things. So an INTJ will show his/her affection by doing practical things for you.... like upgrading your comp. or mapping out the best route to work. Efficiency is something we value highly and by making things more efficient for you, is how we show we care.

So, is he/she interested?
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Old 05-02-2012, 08:29 AM   #2
Sariax
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Thank you for sharing.
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It is funny how disconnected some INTJ's can be from their emotions; makes things difficult for others to pick up on their intentions.
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Old 05-03-2012, 02:34 AM   #3
Headswabby
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Have you been spying on me and taking notes? You should have told me, because I would have offered information to make the process less stressful/tedious for you, since this information gathering was probably over the course of one year per relationship.
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:11 AM   #4
Brida
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Beep boop. Initiate contact. :D
Good advice, but some of the wording made me chuckle.
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Old 05-03-2012, 11:35 AM   #5
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I pleed guilty of it all.

Although I have zero initiative, so to me it's always the other person who should have to "start" the relationship.

How interesting it'd be to find an INTJ+INTJ relationship. I mean, if at the beginning they both draw back from each other they probably will never talk at all. What if one of the INTJs starts the Evaluation Stage before the other one? I'd feel bad if that INTJ was messing with my plans and rushing me into Evaluation.
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Old 05-03-2012, 12:46 PM   #6
koakuma
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This goes for both romantic relationships and friendships... in fact, this is accurate for me with any new person. Observe and evaluate in order to learn which buttons to push.
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Old 05-03-2012, 05:46 PM   #7
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Stage 2 is eerily reminiscent of my current... thing. Not a relationship, but whatever you would call it when two people are (blatantly) feeling each other out.
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Old 05-03-2012, 05:53 PM   #8
catzmeow
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They'll watch you from a distance for about 6 years, internally experiencing every possible ramification of having a relationship with you, before dumping you and moving on (inside their heads, of course).

You'll never know.
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Old 05-04-2012, 01:31 AM   #9
KelvinDjangoTeo
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Hahaha! Thanks for the response everyone. I'm guilty of upgrading people's comp, cleaning up their work space for them. Super weird way of showing affection.

---------- Post added 05-04-2012 at 12:32 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by catzmeow
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They'll watch you from a distance for about 6 years, internally experiencing every possible ramification of having a relationship with you, before dumping you and moving on (inside their heads, of course).

You'll never know.

After all, we are stealth assassin.
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I like your avatar.

---------- Post added 05-04-2012 at 12:36 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by Sariax
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Thank you for sharing.
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It is funny how disconnected some INTJ's can be from their emotions; makes things difficult for others to pick up on their intentions.

You're welcomed. I know, it's just so hard for me to say "Thank you" in real life sometimes. That "T" just get stuck at my throat, can't bring it out. Then I get frustrated and tell them how hard it is for me to say thank you. It's really a big deal, they just laugh anyway.

---------- Post added 05-04-2012 at 12:38 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by Headswabby
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Have you been spying on me and taking notes? You should have told me, because I would have offered information to make the process less stressful/tedious for you, since this information gathering was probably over the course of one year per relationship.

"yes, i have been spying on you." that was my first thought when I read that article on youtube. nah, i wasn't the one who wrote this... it's the girl from the video I posted. check it out
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---------- Post added 05-04-2012 at 12:43 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by Kyvan
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I pleed guilty of it all.

Although I have zero initiative, so to me it's always the other person who should have to "start" the relationship.

How interesting it'd be to find an INTJ+INTJ relationship. I mean, if at the beginning they both draw back from each other they probably will never talk at all. What if one of the INTJs starts the Evaluation Stage before the other one? I'd feel bad if that INTJ was messing with my plans and rushing me into Evaluation.

That would really be interesting. My guess is since both parties speak bluntly and frankly, they will come to a conclusion that both of them will not initiate... so they will take turns. Hey, actually that's quite neat. Taking turns asking each other out, each outing better than the previous.

I have an INTJ friend, who will always ask me what my plans for the day. I will usually say nothing. He would reply "cool" and not ask me out. I would do the same too.

---------- Post added 05-04-2012 at 12:45 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by koakuma
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This goes for both romantic relationships and friendships... in fact, this is accurate for me with any new person. Observe and evaluate in order to learn which buttons to push.

High five.

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Old 05-14-2012, 09:50 PM   #10
Chaotic Enigma
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Is he interested?

That's what I want to know!..So..hmm..he said I was painful for him, he said he hated me, but let me in his house and helped me with my CV by criticizing the way I did it. And I haven't heard from him it's been two weeks.

Is he interested?...You tell me because i don't get what stage he's at.
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:11 PM   #11
followthehippos
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  Originally Posted by Chaotic Enigma
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Is he interested?

That's what I want to know!..So..hmm..he said I was painful for him, he said he hated me, but let me in his house and helped me with my CV by criticizing the way I did it. And I haven't heard from him it's been two weeks.

Is he interested?...You tell me because i don't get what stage he's at.

Really? Was he kidding, blunt, kidding but sounding serious? Was he jokingly/sarcastically criticizing you?

He almost sounds like he dislikes you, but, idk..

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Old 05-14-2012, 10:22 PM   #12
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Not me. Not now. I have no time left. Any xNFx (I can pick them!) gets eye-locked and smiled at until they go "uh oh.. smile starts to turn to grin" and I throw them over my shoulder and they're mine! Haha!
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Old 05-14-2012, 10:34 PM   #13
KelvinDjangoTeo
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  Originally Posted by Chaotic Enigma
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Is he interested?

That's what I want to know!..So..hmm..he said I was painful for him, he said he hated me, but let me in his house and helped me with my CV by criticizing the way I did it. And I haven't heard from him it's been two weeks.

Is he interested?...You tell me because i don't get what stage he's at.

He is just being really blunt and frank with you. He critisize you because he thinks it's good for you.

About being painful for him, he probably really think you are painful, and wants to let you know that even though you are painful, he will still care and concern about you. He is sacrificing his own free precious time for your CV. He spend his time for you.

I would say he definitely care for you. Do not know in the friendship way or romantic way. That's all the input I can give. The rest is up to you to decide.

---------- Post added 05-15-2012 at 09:36 AM ----------

As for me: I tend to speak mean to people I really care about: for example, my family.

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Old 05-15-2012, 02:52 AM   #14
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Wow, you think you're somewhat unique/odd, and then someone explains your entire approach to relationships in 3 easy steps... Well, I'm sure we still appear odd to the majority of others out there. My first reaction if I like someone is definitely to draw back and evaluate the situation first. It seems so counterintuitive, but I can't help it.

For friendships, I tend to skip stage 1. They're a lot easier (comparatively) for me than romantic relationships. I just tend to be really picky about them. My first semester of college, I hung out with several different groups in an attempt to properly evaluate who I'd be the most compatible with. But I think it really paid off in the end.

Thanks for the link! I hadn't thought to research personality types through YouTube.
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Old 05-15-2012, 03:22 AM   #15
KelvinDjangoTeo
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  Originally Posted by Azuro
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Wow, you think you're somewhat unique/odd, and then someone explains your entire approach to relationships in 3 easy steps... Well, I'm sure we still appear odd to the majority of others out there. My first reaction if I like someone is definitely to draw back and evaluate the situation first. It seems so counterintuitive, but I can't help it.

For friendships, I tend to skip stage 1. They're a lot easier (comparatively) for me than romantic relationships. I just tend to be really picky about them. My first semester of college, I hung out with several different groups in an attempt to properly evaluate who I'd be the most compatible with. But I think it really paid off in the end.

Thanks for the link! I hadn't thought to research personality types through YouTube.

You are welcomed, and it's all about sharing our findings and thoughts in intjf.
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welcome to intjf again.

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Old 05-16-2012, 01:03 AM   #16
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Hell man, i was fucking laughing the whole dang time. This is how i operate, and what i have felt. I drew back, and stayed there, because i didn't know everything before i engaged. This shit rings true.
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:03 AM   #17
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  Originally Posted by KelvinDjangoTeo
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That would really be interesting. My guess is since both parties speak bluntly and frankly, they will come to a conclusion that both of them will not initiate... so they will take turns. Hey, actually that's quite neat. Taking turns asking each other out, each outing better than the previous.

I initiated the first three outings, but I have a lot of practice at overriding my tendency to overthink everything. The thing with taking turns is that it would imply both people are confident that the other is interested when probably neither of them really is (assuming INTJ)... and someone still has to go first.

My reasoning was that either I was imagining things or I wasn't, and the best thing to do was to go ahead and find out either way. Think of initiating as the most efficient way of gathering more information.

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Old 05-16-2012, 09:14 PM   #18
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  Originally Posted by followthehippos
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Really? Was he kidding, blunt, kidding but sounding serious? Was he jokingly/sarcastically criticizing you?

He almost sounds like he dislikes you, but, idk..

I should have contextualized, I didn't want to be too long. But since I'm already here and someone is willing to hear me cry about all this, I'll be more explicit about what happened. (And he seriously criticized me about the cv, but that's ok. He made me think about certain things, so it was helpful anyway. That is not the problem. His contradiction is!)

  Originally Posted by KelvinDjangoTeo
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As for me: I tend to speak mean to people I really care about: for example, my family.

Jese, if your "being mean" is proportional to the care you feel for the people close to you, then he must be totally in love with me!!
....Does this seem brutal enough?


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After that I couldn't take it anymore. It was months that I was trying to get though to him , so I got fed up and sent him an e-mail saying that I had fallen in love with him (yeah, I know what you're thinking. But he hasn't only got the asshole side to him, so don't judge him only on the basis of the offensive words he told me) Despite those feelings, I concluded the message telling him that he could f*ck off because he had treated me worst than sh!t.

I had already cried my heart off for him. That was my last a-mail. I had nothing more to say. And he was finally free from me. ...But once again I got a reply!!
He said he understood everything I said in the e-mail, even the "f*ck off" part, but in his view of the world "you don't tell someone you love them and then leave them" and he added that he was going to send me a message to tell me that he had been so rude and mean because he was hurt and upset.

After that,for unknown reasons, we ended up still being in contact with each other.
He said that he had loads of stuff to do in his life, that it was a mess and he needed to fix it and that love was not his priority, he saw me as a friend.

We got into a discussion when he started underlining (and I mean literally writing in caps) "BEST friend" when referring to another female friend. He had never done that before, so I didn't want him to slap his preference in friendships in my face, not while I still had to control my own feelings for him. He simply answered "Do you want to be my friend or my love?".

He is french but now lives in London. I live in Italy. In April we finally met in Real life because I had the chance to go to London.

After a few times we had hang out together, we were talking on the phone. So at one point, my curiosity pushed me to as how I was in real life, how he managed to deal with me. What I thought was an innocent question seemed to have interfered with his circuits, he sounded agitated and began saying things I couldn't even understand well because of his french accent. Between all, I picked up the phrases "You are painful" and "I don't give a f*ck about the distance" , followed by "I don't like talking on phones" when I tried to understand what exactly he meant to say and then him consequently shutting the phone in my face as if I had asked a forbidden question.

I went to say goodby because I was leaving the next day. At one moment he said "It's late" and I knew the implicit of that meant that I should get going because he had work the next day and needed to sleep, since he has some problems with insomnia. But I just answered "I don't feel to go" He replied "well, between you and my job, I chose my job". By that point I had become emotional and said "I knew that at the end you'd put everything on the - I don't care- level" and he said "No, I think I care too much". In my head I thought "Yeah, you made it pretty obvious that you care alot about the job", but then I had a doubt that he might have been referring to me, so I just sat there, quiet, until he got up saying "You really need to go".

Then he sat back down and commented something that had nothing to do with anything we spoke about that night: "I hope you get rid of your italian passport, that you get your serbian one and that you leave Europe as soon as possible". What you don't know is that he is planing to move to South America. So I don't know if this is his way of saying "follow me to the end of time" or something romantic-like.

So, if you have managed to survive this jungle of words, you will now understand why I am in such a situation where I don't know which wall to bang my head on first! I can't figure out why he continuously contradicts himself. I don't understand why he recontacted me again after I told him how I felt if he wanted to get rid of me, or why he said we were friends but then asked if I wanted to be his love, or if he "cared too much" for me or for his job( and if he was referring to me, how could you care too much for someone???) My impression is that this is why I am painful for him, but I don't get why it's so painful for him. Too many feelings for him to handle? I don't know T_T

I'm really sorry for spamming the forum with my bullsh!t. Please don't hate me!!

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Old 05-17-2012, 05:21 AM   #19
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Some people are eternally contradictory. Other people hang around trying to solve the mystery of why this great guy can be so mean, or why this asshole can be so nice, but there is no mystery. The contradiction is the reality.

If you want a chaotic relationship where sometimes you feel like it is almost maybe working, and sometimes are treated like shit, by all means stay. That is the relationship, and it isn't going to change. Otherwise, run. Cut contact, ignore him if he contacts you, see a therapist if you still feel bad about it after six months. Or just keep playing games forever.
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Old 05-18-2012, 12:40 PM   #20
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  Originally Posted by Lilie
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Some people are eternally contradictory. Other people hang around trying to solve the mystery of why this great guy can be so mean, or why this asshole can be so nice, but there is no mystery. The contradiction is the reality.

The contradiction of his nature does not determinate the contradiction of his feelings. I am not discussing the first, which rarely can change. I just don't understand the reasons of the second, that might be direct but are not clear.

  Originally Posted by Lilie
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If you want a chaotic relationship where sometimes you feel like it is almost maybe working, and sometimes are treated like shit, by all means stay. That is the relationship, and it isn't going to change. Otherwise, run. Cut contact, ignore him if he contacts you, see a therapist if you still feel bad about it after six months. Or just keep playing games forever.


I am not interested in playing games nor in cutting contact. However, I think I see your point of view and I don't want to put myself into something potentially harmful for me.

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Old 05-18-2012, 02:11 PM   #21
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What do you mean? You don't understand why his feelings always change? Contradictory nature = contradictory feelings. They aren't random, but you'd have to detach emotionally to be able to predict them.
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:56 AM   #22
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No. Doesn't describe me at all. I learnt how ineffective that is for getting what you want, which is to know the other person better. Here's my stages of interest.

Stage One - observe, and not very discreetly I might add. I'm always a dead giveaway.
Stage Two - Find a proxy. A confident extrovert who has no vested interest in this person and doesn't mind breaking the ice for you. Get the E to introduce you so you now have permission for passing conversation and greeting this person all the time.
Stage Three - Greet and strike up conversation with this person as often as you can to gauge their interest in you. If it's high they might ask you out. If they don't and you still think the interest is high, ask them out.

I found this has a high level of success.
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