[gracious]

Bring out your ugly and your surgically pristine breakup stories.

Mutual rational decision? (Is this just an urban legend?)

Been left at the altar? Stood up? Dumped by Post-It Note?
Slipped away in the night to another continent, had plastic surgery and a name change?

Good riddance or a lifelong regret?

[iWonder]

I was blindsided completely because we were going to be long distance for about a year at most, which was manageable. Our relationship was also fairly trouble free, we were there for each other, and were in love. That being said she dumped me stating she needed "time,space, but wanted to be friends." The truth is she was already seeing her "guy friend" for a while who was laying the ground work for their relationship and my demise. Funny enough not long after I'm dumped they're official, which stung because I trusted her and considered her my best friend. I was literally replaced in a flash. It still hurts, and knowing that I'll have to see her (or her looking for me to extend "friendship") once I transfer to our college's main campus isn't something I'm looking forward to. To this day nearly 8 months later I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to understand what went wrong..

It was my first relationship, but I'm not sure I can do it again. I put in a great deal of effort, and really cared for her. Seeing that work crumble into millions of pieces turns me away from dating again. It hurts too much to think that something similar could happen again.

[Foggers]

Not the best story but a story anyway... it's still happening and I need to write it out to vent.

I was sleeping and hanging out with a girl who had a bf. It's the closest I've ever been to a relationship and I wanted to see what it was like (pathetic right?). I kept being really naive and thinking she might break up with her bf (which she tried without success) to be with me.

Anyway I invited her to New York (where my parents live) because she said she had to go for interviews in Boston, I didn't expect her to accept as I was being polite. But oh well, it would be fun (we're both students from the UK). So we hang out and have fun, things seem to be looking up at the end of the trip. I'm happy.

We get back and a few days later I ask her if the bf knew she went to NYC because all of my other friends worked it out pretty easily. She says no and I explain about everyone knowing.

Then she has the nerve to accuse me of ruining her life and that she doesn't want to be associated with the rumours (which are true) or me. She also tells me to sort my life out before she gets back.

I replied saying sorry. Then I thought "wait what?" I'm not sorry, she has lied to her bf and manipulated people.

So now I have gathered a lot of evidence (it makes me feel ashamed when I look at it) and I am seriously considering telling the bf. She has a bad reputation and has done other stuff and I unfortunately took the benefit of the doubt for her. In our circle of friends, no one has a nice thing to say about her. She has gotten away with too much and needs to be stopped.

So yeah, there's my first ever relationship/dating experience. Sorry for the length but I needed to rant. I can't believe she's played so many for a fool.

[Distance]

Mutually rational decision on the part of my divorce (ISTJ ex). We had grown so far apart that it wasn't worth staying together. We're still civil and friends to some extent, although admittedly, probably wouldn't bother remaining in contact if we weren't parents. No enmity though.

The three INTP exes still cruise by here and there, whether drunk dialing, looking for advice or having Si-recalled e-mo moments. I'm fine if they do and fine if they don't.

[Tahiti]

I couldn't get a H1B Visa in the time I said I would. It was a long gamble and I failed.

[gracious]

Thank you for sharing. I find that I shared some sentiment with the following from another thread:

Originally Posted by AlfredSchnittke To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

...the imagination reaching out, hoping to have someone for whom to compose poetry and love letters. But then I think about the potential misery, and all of the hard work involved... I suppose Sisyphus was simply a (very) thinly veiled metaphor for relationships. You struggle with all your might to get this thing to a decent place, only to have it crumble in a matter of seconds, and then you are supposed to just do it again, and again and again. ...sure it was great the first few times to be able to communicate intimate thoughts with another person, and go through that process of literally, and symbolically letting down your hair and melding with another; but how many times can you relive the pain of your life story, and melt into another person just to have it all come crashing down around you?

Sorry I edited you a bit for length, AlfredSchnittke.

[Dancingqueen]

^ lesson learned: if you have to "struggle", you're with the wrong person.

Mine was: Night before my finals at Uni. he called me up to tell me he slept with someone else, who he had sworn to me he was just friends with. I failed all exams. We were long distance at the time.

Then a week later, he showed up crying at my parents house (I was visiting for the weekend) and asked me to take him back. I said: "Wasn't she good enough in bed?"
He said: "I just wanted to be her first, we didn't even date."

ummm what?!

I was crazy about him, he stomped my little pink heart into many tiny pieces...I'm over it (took 4 years) we're friends...err more aquaintances now.

[gracious]

	Originally Posted by iWonder To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	...I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to understand what went wrong..

iWonder: In my more lucid moments, I tell myself that I am going to have to be satisfied with never having that answer. I can slice and dice and analyze every moment but I will never solve the equation. Eventually I am going to have to accept the ambiguity; with the complexity of chemistry and compatibility there are an infinite combination of factors that could have caused him to conclude that we did not have potential.
It's not very satisfying, but I advise you to stop torturing yourself. I know you want to know how you could have failed to foresee her betrayal but without access to all the data you can not get there from here. (Other people do not always act rationally).

	Originally Posted by Dancingqueen To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	lesson learned: if you have to "struggle", you're with the wrong person.

DQ your story is Olympic calibre. People can be so damned selfish and short-sighted
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. I'm glad you found your way out the other side to a better relationship.

With respect to the elements of "struggle", I'd say my struggles lie in taking the myriad risks and gambles (again) of letting someone access my heavily armoured interior. The struggle of trusting and being vulnerable. In this case, there was also the struggle of being long-distance. The relationship itself was always open, honest, easy and comfortable in a way I had never before experienced. But I concede that if I was the wrong person then he was the wrong person too.
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[DrCiao]

Originally Posted by Foggers To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Not the best story but a story anyway... it's still happening and I need to write it out to vent. I was sleeping and hanging out with a girl who had a bf. It's the closest I've ever been to a relationship and I wanted to see what it was like (pathetic right?). I kept being really naive and thinking she might break up with her bf (which she tried without success) to be with me. Anyway I invited her to New York (where my parents live) because she said she had to go for interviews in Boston, I didn't expect her to accept as I was being polite. But oh well, it would be fun (we're both students from the UK). So we hang out and have fun, things seem to be looking up at the end of the trip. I'm happy. We get back and a few days later I ask her if the bf knew she went to NYC because all of my other friends worked it out pretty easily. She says no and I explain about everyone knowing. Then she has the nerve to accuse me of ruining her life and that she doesn't want to be associated with the rumours (which are true) or me. She also tells me to sort my life out before she gets back. I replied saying sorry. Then I thought "wait what?" I'm not sorry, she has lied to her bf and manipulated people. So now I have gathered a lot of evidence (it makes me feel ashamed when I look at it) and I am seriously considering telling the bf. She has a bad reputation and has done other stuff and I unfortunately took the benefit of the doubt for her. In our circle of friends, no one has a nice thing to say about her. She has gotten away with too much and needs to be stopped. So yeah, there's my first ever relationship/dating experience. Sorry for the length but I needed to rant. I can't believe she's played so many for a fool.

That takes the cake, it couldn't get worse than that. Hope you have better experiences in the future, and not to trust vindictive women.

[Foggers]

Well it gets worse actually. She is being a total bitch (not surprising really). I finally paid my phone bill and found a message from her saying "I don't whether to congratulate your hypocrisy or how you waited until I had left the country to send an aggressive text. Either way, the bf knows everything. So please don't try and take the moral high ground because it has already been taken."

WTF!?!?! There is no moral high ground in this situation and no doubt she has lied to him anyway.

I have never hated someone this much.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Foggers To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well it gets worse actually. She is being a total bitch (not surprising really). I finally paid my phone bill and found a message from her saying "I don't whether to congratulate your hypocrisy or how you waited until I had left the country to send an aggressive text. Either way, the bf knows everything. So please don't try and take the moral high ground because it has already been taken." WTF!?!?! There is no moral high ground in this situation and no doubt she has lied to him anyway. I have never hated someone this much.

Never argue with a fool. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.


It sounds like she is basically saying you two are just as bad. She is right. You knew she had a boyfriend. You were old enough to understand what was going on. She screwed him and you screwed her. It all evens out in the end. The only one who has the right to take a moral high ground that we know of, would be the boy friend.

Good riddance to the whole situation.

[Foggers]

I fully appreciate that I'm in the wrong too and it was such a dick move. But she is still being manipulative and is trying to come out being innocent. The bf doesn't help because he gives her so much attention (not enough obviously) and just lets her walk over him.

We're both joining the military in September, and while he's away she won't be getting that attention and will most likely sleep around. If she does it easily while he's around, it will be a piece of cake for her to do it while he's away. I know I can't talk about decency but I may as well tell him my side of the story so he realises that she cannot be trusted at all.

[KeithP]

Breakup stories are always weird to hear. Being a fella who's had a lot of relationships, but not really defined as 'bf/gf', most of my relationships just kind of drift apart. The women generally understand they can still confide in me and contact of me for emergencies, and we stay friends to an extent. If I really like the girl, though, I'll give it a lot of space so it's fresh again if we meet up in a year or two.

I have a long story about being friendzoned and my crazy infatuation. But it's also an old story.

[Selene]

Break ups aren't always handled maturely and respectfully in my case.

I vanished quietly with the first ex, but did my due diligence by apologizing for being a shitty person many years later. Forgiven.

[notabugiswear]

I was almost broken up with yesterday.

We had just gotten rid of the hormones via sex, and we could both more or less think more rationally. This had literally come out of the blue, and I thought everything was okay, because we'd talked about the state of our relationship a few days prior, and we felt happy.

Anyway, it was a dark and story night. (I'm not kidding, though) He was completely stoic, didn't really say anything and I perceived him to be increasingly pensive. We were going to eat dinner, and on the way, I eventually got him to open up. "I feel like you're compensating. I feel like you should be able to find someone who can offer the emotional support I can't. I feel like I can be your greatest friend, spend all of my time with you - but..." "Tell me." "I don't feel like I should be your boyfriend." Long story short, he cried, I cried, we exchanged some words and he snapped back to reality. He was completely normal 20 minutes later. INTJs.... I felt and still feel emotions surging back and forth from that conversation.


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[gracious]

^ Yike. Sounds like an awful lot of drama for notorious drama-hating INTJ. Hope you can find some more stable ground very soon.
Glad you dodged the bullet. Good luck.

[Jouk]

She gave me an ultimatum while I was helping a family member in a crisis.

I walked away.

[Catrina]

	Originally Posted by Jouk To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I walked away.

Lucky you for having the strength to know when things are over.


I've only ever had 2 breakups, but I've had the most epic story with one of my exes.
I met him when I was 15 and I adored him, but I wasn't allowed to go out much so he asked me for some time off and then broke up with me. It was a mistake, of course, so we got back together a couple of years later.

A few years later he asks me for time off, once more. He starts saying he doesn't feel loved and that he feels like doing stupid things (such as sleeping around), I try to be understanding and try to make a deal with him, or come up with a plan they both agree on, and he grows more and more impatient by all my "plans" that go unfulfilled, and he often said "stop analyzing me!".

At that moment I didn't know what he was talking about, I didn't even know MBTI types existed, but his sister was a psychologist so he might have been aware way before I found out about my own type. There was no logical reason to break up, and I didn't agree with his reasons, so I didn't want to break up because everything had a solution. He didn't listen and just got very very sick of my... rationale.

I still don't understand why he felt unloved. I do suck at showing it, but I did things for him I wouldn't have done for anyone else, so I thought it would be obvious to him that he was special.

At some point I started clashing too much with his new set of friends: they were outgoing and careless and told fart jokes and stuff like that. I was very much into school and spending quality time with him instead of quantity time with his friends, so I drifted apart from the entire circle. I still believe they brainwashed him into leaving me.

He, again, realized it had been a mistake, so we spent about 1 year having mini-make-ups and mini-break-ups. Until he realized his friends wouldn't take me back in their circle and were actively introducing him to girls they approved of.

I still suck at showing affection the way regular guys would expect me to.

[JonahMoates]

I have had one girlfriend. We were together off and on four years. I always had difficulty with verbal affirmation (her prefered "love language"), choosing instead to treat her to big romantic gestures and copious amounts of gifts. I did this to compensate for my short-comings in being emotionally available to her. And her emotions needed ALOT of tending to. This lead to several break ups over the four years, but I kept going back for her because I "knew" I could make it work if a just did x,y, and z.

Ultimately, I was terrified of having to go through the whole process again. Meeting someone, trusting someone, LOVING someone; these were all milestones that took months with her and I. I couldn't deal with doing that all over again.

She on the other hand was on the war-path to matrimony no matter who was going to take her there. She had had four boy friends during our "off time." She broke up with me in October because apparently I was doing a terrible job of making the distance work. I texted her "I love you" every morning, and made sure to call her to say goodnight every night. What really happened was she had fallen for someone else while I was away, and now she is engaged to be married to him this August.

She had told me many wonderful things about her love for me this summer and she lied about it all. I had always had a firm belief in ones true love, but this incident has lead me to believe the venture is too costly. I am presently engaging in behaviour that is wildly out of character for me, forcing myself to model after my older brother whose life consists of one giant party.

I know I am likely misrepresenting her side of the story, but to be honest I don't really care at this point. You just don't go around someones back and fall in love with someone else when the whole reason he's not around is because he's trying to make a future viable for the two of you.

---------- Post added 05-10-2012 at 02:37 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Catrina To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I still don't understand why he felt unloved. I do suck at showing it, but I did things for him I wouldn't have done for anyone else, so I thought it would be obvious to him that he was special.

I'm in that same boat. I felt I was really pushing myself to prove to her that I loved her, and she still never got it. I could never be the puppy dog lover she was looking for.

[Muse]

We had been together for two years and three months. Mostly a good relationship, and she had expressed wants for it to continue into something more serious. Everyone thought we would get married eventually.

She said she had to work more hours now and I believed her; I didn't see a reason not to. I was proud of her for working so much and being responsible, and I wanted to be supportive of her. She seemed more stressed, I figured it was her extra work. This went on for three months. We had always gotten along great and were very close, fights were rare.

I was 17 and had received a sports injury that forced me to quit sports (big part of my life then), and I was about to have surgery for the injury so I could walk well again. I was very scared, it was my first serious surgery in my life. I told her that I really wanted her to be there with me because I was scared.

She left town a week before my surgery. I had no idea where she was. I got a very confusing note that didn't explain much beyond "you mean a lot to me, I love you. I want to say bye and sorry." I was really upset and confused but focused on getting through the surgery.

Three months later I got a call from a guy I did not know. He was asking me if I knew where she is. We talked more and after comparing time lines I found that she was cheating on me with him in the last three months, not working more. Supposedly he didn't know about me. When she left town she actually moved in with him. She left his place to go to who knows where. In a diary she left he found my phone number and called me to see if she was back with me.
----------------------------------

More recently; a girl I had become good friends with over 4 months and then dated for 3 led me on afterwards with what I now know was a "trying to keep options open" soft breakup. The "Need space, but I still love you and want to come back" sort.

Stupid of me to believe her. Stupid of me to think our friendship would survive. I was told by her I was just useful for attention later, and that she didn't really love me after all. I later found that she had pursued an ex of hers right afterwards (how's that space?), and had done some serious flip flops in the past with guys.

It's hard to warm up to the concept of romantic trust after something like that. Having a hard time feeling the right kind of sparks with anyone new. It could be because of this recent experience. Guess it's a work in progress.

[gracious]

	Originally Posted by Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She said she had to work more hours now and I believed her; I didn't see a reason not to. ---------------------------------- The "Need space, but I still love you and want to come back" sort.

	Originally Posted by JonahMoates To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	…This lead to several break ups over the four years, but I kept going back for her because I "knew" I could make it work if a just did x,y, and z. …She had had four boy friends during our "off time..

	Originally Posted by Catrina To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	… he asked me for some time off and then broke up with me. It was a mistake, of course, so we got back together a couple of years later. A few years later he asks me for time off, once more. He, again, realized it had been a mistake, so we spent about 1 year having mini-make-ups and mini-break-ups.

	Originally Posted by iWonder To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	… she needed "time,space, but wanted to be friends." The truth is she was already seeing her "guy friend" for a while who was laying the ground work for their relationship and my demise.

I find an interesting pattern here. I wonder if "I need some time alone" just means something different for an INTJ than it does for (some) other types. I think perhaps INTJs request 'time' innocuously enough for the purposes of recharging their batteries and it is not necessarily a massive red flag that the end is nigh so it doesn't occur to them that it may mean something more serious to someone else.

Any thoughts?

Personally, I offered my INTJ 'time' when I started to detect shakiness in our relationship, but he never took it. Well, that's a bit inaccurate - he decided instead to take time off permanently!

[psychosylocibin]

Well here we go

I'm sure frequent visitors to this forum have heard this before, but I'll post my story again. In this one I was the dumper.

I dated a girl for 18 months. From the very beginning, I was not attractive to her physically much, but stuck with it because she had literally ALL the qualities I had thought I wanted - and it was true. As time wore on, we got closer and the schism started growing deeper in my head. She was starting to turn into the perfect person for me, except for the fact that I had little desire to be intimate with her. This was a constant battle between my emotional mind and logical mind. Between if I can "settle" with less intimacy for a person I thought had everything else. We were best friends and got along perfectly but onyl slept with each other once every 2-3 weeks.

I Finally called it off and it broke her heart. I started seeing a new girl right away and that effectively "killed" her. Being the person of little willpower and the confusion I was going through at the time, I cheated on the new girl with my ex. I fessed up to the new girl and she decidely, for some reason, to give me a second chance. As time wore on, I fell harder and harder for the new girl and considered her the new "standard" and everything that had been missing. Maybe it was just too early in the relationship to see her faults - I dunno, we never got to the "comfort" phase. We didnt because I got a call from ex saying that she was pregnant with my child. Paternity test proved it was mine and my world was utterly shatted, and my ex did not know what to do.

in the end, I had to break up with a great girl (the new girl), and am currently helping supporting my ex-gf with the pregnancy. We are on good terms now but not together.



-the doctors told us that the chance of pregnancy was around 1 in 500. I had never done that before (unprotected sex).
-When I found out she was pregnant was when I started realizing the new girl was someone I could really really see myself with comfortably.
-I blamed the universe first, and blamed god (if he did exist) as to why the hell he would make this happen
-I then realized that I fudged everything up, and I was the only one to blame, and still break down/cry when I think about this. I don't cry very often.

Life is getting better, slowly.

[DrCiao]

Originally Posted by Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

More recently; a girl I had become good friends with over 4 months and then dated for 3 led me on afterwards with what I now know was a "trying to keep options open" soft breakup. The "Need space, but I still love you and want to come back" sort. Stupid of me to believe her. Stupid of me to think our friendship would survive. I was told by her I was just useful for attention later, and that she didn't really love me after all. I later found that she had pursued an ex of hers right afterwards (how's that space?), and had done some serious flip flops in the past with guys. It's hard to warm up to the concept of romantic trust after something like that. Having a hard time feeling the right kind of sparks with anyone new. It could be because of this recent experience. Guess it's a work in progress.

Interesting, she said she loved you? Funny how some people can just throw around the word love and never mean it!

Reminds me of a nice girl I met in college whom I very briefly had a fling with. At one point, I did consider her to be a possible gf material, but she reminded me too much of her older sister whom I also dated, and absolutely romantically despised- although we are still friends now.

I think the problem may be personality conflict- and perhaps people who are stable and responsible want to be with other people who are also stable and responsible, and not choose to be with flightly, unpredictable, always a complete mess, manipulative with poor impulse controls. Hope that makes sense, and hope you have learned from your past relationships.

[CrudeHypothesis]

I dropped her off at her doorstep, and re-enacted a scene from the godfather 2


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True story, I couldn't think of anything else.

[Mr Fibuli]

	Originally Posted by gracious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Slipped away in the night...?

Twice. On two separate occassions by two different women.

I had actually mustered up enough courage, which is saying a LOT for me, to ask these women out (this is going back about 20-25 years with a few years in between). I was rewarded for my efforts with their acceptance of my invitations but the setting and circumstances prevented them from being a “right now” kind of thing. It was to be a get-together to hang out for an evening out.

Both times, I had learned the very next day that they had skipped town. **Poof!** Gone. One even moved out of state. Ironically enough, they shared the same first name.

I've been rejected every other time I've ever tried, which, admittedly, isn't a lot, but at least they had the decency enough to turn me down to my face. That, at least is respectful.