[EnsconcedDeity]

No, committed relationships aren't my thing. I want to avoid responsibility/liability of someone else if I can. I'd rather have friends than a spouse.

[Nostalgia]

Regardless if I am good enough or not, the fact is that marriage is not right for me. Ever since my teenager years, I knew in my heart that the ideals behind the institution of marriage didn’t mash with the core values of my personal beliefs. I know myself better than to bout down to any form of social pressure, I will never care or mind being labelled as a type of social outcast because of it. Instead of asking if you are good enough for marriage, ask if the choice of marriage is really right for you.

[Forte]

	Originally Posted by CakeZ To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No. Not good enough to even entertain a relationship. I actively avoid entangling others in my troubles in such a manner.

Sounds like me. Even when I have a chance, I run away.

---------- Post added 04-13-2012 at 06:32 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Dokubi To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Marriage itself has nothing to do with being 'good'. Marriage entails making a decision with another person to enter into a contract. There are no requirements about being 'good'. If I were to try to be insightful, I'd guess that what you're really asking is 'Do you think you are good enough to be highly valued in another person's eyes?' If that was the question, my answer would be, 'yes.'

When you put it that way, yes, that [is] what I'm really wondering. I see silly kids getting married all of the time, and think, "why would they do this? They're not even ready." But apparently, they value each other to some extent. I just don't believe that I am in any shape or form, "valuable."

---------- Post added 04-13-2012 at 06:35 AM ----------

Originally Posted by dbmfc To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Okay, soooo... INTJ's not thinking they are good enough to be in a relationship/married is apparently a thing, I'm discovering. But, I think in many cases, they just don't realize how the things that they are good at can be valuable to a long-lasting, happy relationship. I think, perhaps, INTJ's look at what's typical of "relationships," or look at what they are offered in a relationship and think, "I'm not good at giving that back, why bother, they will just be unhappy with me." -- but getting the same thing back isn't necessary. As an INFP, I may forget my own birthday but, I'm really good at creative romantic gestures, and putting my feelings into words, and jumping off metaphorical cliffs. These sorts of things are not what I need back. I need someone who makes me think, who inspires me, who can win an argument with me, and who I can respect before I love... These are things that INTJ's can be marvelous at. It's not good or bad, it's different, and some people need what you have to offer.

Never thought of it that way. Thanks for clarifying.

---------- Post added 04-13-2012 at 06:44 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Laura C To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Not really but it's more of a self-esteem and twisted perfectionism thing. When the "I don't think I'm good enough to get married" thought hits me, it's usually because I translate 'good enough' to mean all of the following: - being able to cook and bake real well so the poor guy won't starve - being extremely good at household chores with not a speck of dust on any furniture - being really feminine (takes care of self: nails, hair, skin, etc) so the poor guy has someone nice to look at - being good at getting along with others so there would be no conflicts with in-laws Yes, twisted perfectionism. I'm still working on it.

Really? I am none of most of what you mentioned, but I think of "not good enough" as having too many problems in my past. And my immediate family has a rather warped opinion of me all based on my mothers assertions about my motives and thinking. And she is one of those people who can convince a dead man that he is alive. So the thought of getting into a relationship with someone scares me because I will eventually have to introduce him to my family. And I kid you not, if people just get to know me, a lot of people like me, until my mom says something derogatory... At that point, it's as if I can't even overcome it by being myself, and the person they knew, is suddenly a fake, without evidence to prove it. At that point, I just feel like dying, because it's no use. Once again, my mother has managed to isolate me from people. And if I went as far as to fall in love with someone... to have them turn on me would be like a knife through my heart.

[Plato]

As the years pass, I am less and less inclined to the idea of marriage, but I would like to have a monogamous, life partner.

As for whether or not I am "good enough" for a life partner, I believe I absolutely am.

My main concern is coming across someone that meshes with me well in a relationship.

I am confident enough to know that I will make someone "lucky" one day. So yes, I am good enough.

[superflax]

Originally Posted by dbmfc

Okay, soooo... INTJ's not thinking they are good enough to be in a relationship/married is apparently a thing, I'm discovering. But, I think in many cases, they just don't realize how the things that they are good at can be valuable to a long-lasting, happy relationship. I think, perhaps, INTJ's look at what's typical of "relationships," or look at what they are offered in a relationship and think, "I'm not good at giving that back, why bother, they will just be unhappy with me." -- but getting the same thing back isn't necessary. As an INFP, I may forget my own birthday but, I'm really good at creative romantic gestures, and putting my feelings into words, and jumping off metaphorical cliffs. These sorts of things are not what I need back. I need someone who makes me think, who inspires me, who can win an argument with me, and who I can respect before I love... These are things that INTJ's can be marvelous at. It's not good or bad, it's different, and some people need what you have to offer.

But how many people want that really? Odds are they don't, I give up most of the time for that reason. But yeah thanks I guess?

[Fox]

I think I'm good enough.

But if they are keeping a list of all the traditional qualifiers I'm gonna fail.

[changos]

	Originally Posted by dbmfc To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Okay, soooo... INTJ's not thinking they are good enough to be in a relationship/married is apparently a thing, I'm discovering.

I pretty much agree with your post. I would need a long post not to explain, but to avoid bad interpretations (something very common). We intjs prove to be good at many things, specially responsibilities, but there are scenarios were we are blamed.

I see that being married involves keeping friendship with people we don't like
visiting people we don't like to visit
being nice to people we don't like
and I say "WE" because it if very common that our partner argues with someone, wants our support and then is "birthday time!!", I can't deal with that.

As usual many of that common stuff will be denied...

It is very common among older intjs to find how ex partners come back and say "you were right", but the truth is, they were blamed for that in the past... unfair.

[Laura C]

Originally Posted by Forte To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Really? I am none of most of what you mentioned, but I think of "not good enough" as having too many problems in my past. And my immediate family has a rather warped opinion of me all based on my mothers assertions about my motives and thinking. And she is one of those people who can convince a dead man that he is alive. So the thought of getting into a relationship with someone scares me because I will eventually have to introduce him to my family. And I kid you not, if people just get to know me, a lot of people like me, until my mom says something derogatory... At that point, it's as if I can't even overcome it by being myself, and the person they knew, is suddenly a fake, without evidence to prove it. At that point, I just feel like dying, because it's no use. Once again, my mother has managed to isolate me from people. And if I went as far as to fall in love with someone... to have them turn on me would be like a knife through my heart.

Yeah, my twisted perfectionism is actually something I am working on at the moment. In regards to what you said above, I am thinking ~ how about seeing it as a test to see which one can get past what your mom says about you? I mean if a person can take all those negative things being said about you and still be with you, then you've got a keeper, right? Just a thought~

[Forte]

	Originally Posted by Laura C To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yeah, my twisted perfectionism is actually something I am working on at the moment. In regards to what you said above, I am thinking ~ how about seeing it as a test to see which one can get past what your mom says about you? I mean if a person can take all those negative things being said about you and still be with you, then you've got a keeper, right? Just a thought~

Never thought of it that way... I guess I will try one day... After I finish College :P

[Brida]

Don't believe in marriage because I don't believe in promising another person your endless love. You don't know who YOU are going to be tomorrow, and you also don't know who your spouse will be, so why the need to force yourself into a legal "deal" which will probably end up screwing you both anyway? (If kids are involved, or massive amounts of money, that's when marriage makes sense, but if we're talking about getting married for love, then no.)

If anything, I believe in mutual respect & care and a couple that comes together with the intention of being there for eachother, from moment to moment, is already off to a good start. But coming together with a bunch of promises like, "I will always be there for you", which is what you're promising the other when you take your vows, is a recipe for disaster. You don't know what tomorrow will bring, so don't give the other empty promises. And marriage, to me, is filled with nothing but empty promises bound with legal papers.

[loki233]

I feel like I could be good enough to be married with enough practice.

[Tyrant Soup]

I don't like the question. It implies that there is something deficient about a person who do not get married. That is not true. There are other lifestyles which are more rewarding to some.

[psychosylocibin]

I agree with most of the other posters here on it is more about finding something that you mesh well with and vise versa than being "good enough".

As it applies to me however, I think there is relatively low chance of me getting married in the near future (5-10 years), even though it is something that I would like. This is because I have had experiences/connections with a certain partner in the past that is what I consider the "gold standard" for someone I want to be with - the chances of me finding that sort of connection and everything else she had again is relatively low, especially with the new circumstances surrounding my life now that make it a little more difficult to date and women more a little more picky (for now at least). and I am not willing to "lower" my standards based on what I HAD (not what I want) due to these circumstances - it is unfair to the other person for them to know that I have had a better connection with someone else.

But then again I cannot predict the future - maybe I will find someone that I have the confidence to settle down with.

[SwedenF]

I certainly believe I am good enough, not as convinced that I will find someone who understands me and that I would fall for.

But even if I did find someone, I'm not sure I'd want to marry. The way large parts of society does marriage pisses me off, and I don't plan to take part in it.

Additionally, I do not like the idea of the promise, like Brida writes about. I can't promise forever, but I could promise to try. So, for the right person I think I could possibly want to make some sort of bond, like a tailor made ceremony that isn't so much a wedding as a sign to each other that you are in it for the long run and want to give it your all. But in that case it would be a private thing, just between us two.

[Haumea]

Marriage is not about being good enough for someone.

It's about having someone love, cherish and obey you because they don't think they're good enough for you. Mwuhaha.

[deconspire]

It would have to be one fucked-up, fringes-of-society, hippie-woman, prolly.

Although I'm relatively attractive on numerous levels, I wouldn't consider myself marriage material because I do not want the same things out of my life that most mature, responsible women want. Then again, maybe I should stop dating women that have anything other than lower-class background.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[vacant space]

Why not? Most people get married, even more than one time. Frankly I think if you can find someone who's able to work at it and not give up easily, reliable enough to stick around to raise the kids, the life experience shared will form / seal a lasting bond.

It's not rocket science. You can grow to love someone over time, and frankly I don't believe in one soul mate, mind mate, etc. exists. Anyone can become that person over time, just need someone who meets basic compatibility (values, tolerable).

[12357]

	Originally Posted by Forte To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm not ready for that, but I feel like in the future, I still wouldn't be good enough for anyone (assuming I'm not now) This stems from my past, and must be resolved. What about you?

who could be good enough to anyone?

[CaesAug]

I'm not even good enough to date.

[sdfghj]

"Good enough" is absolutely not the right way to approach finding a mate. If you think you aren't good enough now, it suggests a self esteem issue, which unless addressed will not go away. You'll never be "good enough" for a quality mate. You'll stay single or end up with someone who is lacking. Become alright with yourself.

---------- Post added 04-18-2012 at 02:35 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by deconspire To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It would have to be one fucked-up, fringes-of-society, hippie-woman, prolly. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Me too. I'm a professional, am responsible, no criminal record, successful, 6+ yrs. of post secondary ed., but can only seem to hang with people who are on the fringes. People in the same occupation, same age, kids, etc., that I know and have met, have only that in common with me. I still love concerts, weed, road trips, etc. Maybe it's the Peter Pan syndrome?! But the only women who want that kind of life are not similar to me in background. Where's the educated, profeesional who doesn't fit the mold? Where are the (not lesbian) female Jack Kerouac's???

---------- Post added 04-18-2012 at 02:45 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Forte To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Once again, my mother has managed to isolate me from people. And if I went as far as to fall in love with someone... to have them turn on me would be like a knife through my heart.

Don't give her that power. If you know this will happen, take extra time to let the person get to really know you, then he'll/she'll just see it for what it is: Your Mother running you down and when you leave, you can cry and bitch and receive sympathy and maybe empathy.

[jawa]

I think I would make perfect marriage material, as long as my partner is equally invested in it and wanting it to work. I won't provide much affection, but I value loyalty above most everything else. To someone that thinks the same as me, I would be perfect.

[ZeroRequiem]

I'm only 18. So certainly not.
My plans for the future are more important to me than getting married and having a family.
But when I'm probably 25+ I might think about it. But for now I have college to worry about.

[Dru]

	Originally Posted by Forte To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm not ready for that, but I feel like in the future, I still wouldn't be good enough for anyone (assuming I'm not now) This stems from my past, and must be resolved. What about you?

i'd say, let others be the judge of that.

you'd be surprised.