[drswitchoff]

Like some others here I flee from rooms full of people. I've been lucky. Unlikely events transpired to connect me with a couple good partners but now I'm thirty something and if I don't want to die alone I need to get out. Has anyone here started from scratch? Not a co-worker or classmate but a stranger? You met a bunch of strangers and found one that fit?

[thesorehead]

Everyone dies alone, mate. But to answer your question: yes, sorta. I joined classes in an area of interest (in my case it was dance) and made an effort to converse with classmates. Damn it was hard. Really hard. But now I have a group of friends that I didn't know before last year, of which at least one is interested in me.

I'm not interested in her - as usual the old "the good ones are always taken" maxim prevails - but it's a proof of concept: you can meet a bunch of strangers through a common interest, and of that bunch it's possible to find at least one that is interested in you. It seems to follow reasonably that if you meet enough bunches of strangers eventually you'll meet someone for whom the feeling is mutual.

Nobody (outliers notwithstanding) starts truly "from scratch". All you need to get started is an interest that is shared by someone else. Cultural things like performance art (music, theatre, dance etc), audio/visual art (be it oil paintings or Grey's Anatomy), politics, science, religion. There are groups of people out there that you can connect with. "random" groups of people don't really happen - you've got something in common with every person who also waits, or gets off, at your bus stop.

[General Bliss]

Well I think people do meet strangers and find ones that fit. Most INTJ's seem to have heightened or particular standards though which makes the search arduous, as first you have to find the right partner and then you need to hope that they are attracted to you, and then you need cultivate the correct circumstances and make the correct decisions to make it happen.

The solution then would be to meet lots of people. Being socially outgoing is something that ITNJ's must develop; it doesn't come naturally. The best way to do this is just meet people who know other people and just try to meet as many people as you can. This will require you at first to perform actions that are outside of your comfort zone.

If you have any hobbies or interests there may be some local social groups.

The best way i have developed being social is to turn off the introverted aspect of my brain. The part of your brain that is asking "should i do this?" or "what will happen next if i do this" or "how will they react if I say this?". To help divert attention from these thoughts you have to learn to focus externally, on whats happening around you and just speaking. It definitely takes practice and even once proficient it can feel like a chore at times.

[thod]

	I don't want to die alone

Could it be that you are as a child seeking the comfort of the mothers arms? Hoping that she will 'kiss it better'. If there is an after life, then you will be able to stand proud before your deity since you died as you lived.

[Bunker Man]

Oh... sex? I mean... I was about to agree when I thought it meant sleeping 24 hours a day, but...

[intjistp]

	Originally Posted by drswitchoff To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Like some others here I flee from rooms full of people. I've been lucky. Unlikely events transpired to connect me with a couple good partners but now I'm thirty something and if I don't want to die alone I need to get out. Has anyone here started from scratch? Not a co-worker or classmate but a stranger? You met a bunch of strangers and found one that fit?

More people you meet better chances you have. With strangers you can afford for bigger risks.
Go.
It will be good exercise anyway.

All die alone. Comfort you need is for waiting for it.

[Autumnleaf]

	Originally Posted by thod To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Could it be that you are as a child seeking the comfort of the mothers arms? Hoping that she will 'kiss it better'. If there is an after life, then you will be able to stand proud before your deity since you died as you lived.

Some say men look for a younger sexier version of their mothers who they look for a woman to be with.

[mieu]

Everyone was a stranger at some point, when friends become mates it just means it took longer for you to realize your chemistry. Just go for it, and don't be afraid to be friendly first (just know the friend-zone if you see it).

	Originally Posted by thesorehead To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Everyone dies alone, mate.

I beg to differ.

[intjistp]

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Some say men look for a younger sexier version of their mothers who they look for a woman to be with.

Men don't look for their mothers like but end up to live with them.

[PurpleGiraffe]

I used to be afraid to die alone. Then I started to realize that it doesn't matter how I die, but whether I am living while experiencing that life that matters.

Which is more tragic: being too scared to be alone that you stay with anyone or being fine with yourself until you find someone you want back?

There are currently 7+ billion people in the world. I can guarantee that 99.9999% of those people are strangers to you, so you're going to find several people you connect with. You've just got to find them.

[drswitchoff]

Dying alone was poorly put. I think sex is important but what I want is what I've had, affection (a source of oxytocin for the non-romantic) , intimacy, a bond. "Mothers arms" is not a bad analogy though I don't think most mothers are that cuddly.

So it's hard and uncomfortable to get out. That's what people will see, a guy being uncomfortable? Don't get me wrong, I'm doing it and I'm not awkward about it but the role I play in public is a bit businesslike.

I don't have any sense of the forum demographics. I'm thirty four and a tentatively successful parent. At the moment, I'm asking for stories of experience. For example, one of my early failures was going to a show by myself. In retrospect, it's obvious that a man showing up solo in public is a red flag. What else?

[changos]

"Die alone" can have many meanings and diff scenarios, I can't comment on such a wide thing but I can feel the weight of the many possibilities and respect what you mean for that.

	Originally Posted by drswitchoff To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Has anyone here started from scratch? Not a co-worker or classmate but a stranger? You met a bunch of strangers and found one that fit?

Every person and relationship will have a "thing", a problem, a difficulty. Sometimes we love people who just won't "Fit"
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
anyway



Regarding "fit", I knew lost one, she was in such a hurry for a love partner... she got it, and then allowed me to know her regret of not giving us time. You could say she needed a partner desperately, and you could also say I moved too slow for her. Sometimes there is no "fit", many people can fake things because they are in a hurry, the so feared "oh really? me too!!!!, wonderful!!"


Bunch of strangers? fit? I recently came across this wonderful woman and we are getting along amazingly well (not dating, not in love, not magic) just the amazing fit. We are very alike in so many ways... (and compatible, or so it seems) but she has a health problem that would make a very difficult future... for both of us and the children...


There is a woman, many years friend, another fit. But her family is SO FULL OF PROBLEMS, she is very stable (been there for so many years, I've been able of seeing it) but marriage is such a heavy thing, some people just can't cut the problems, sometimes as friends we go out and she gets sad because of the other part of her reality. I was tempted to try something there but I'm too afraid that is just another case of "I just want to leave home and live elsewhere".

[General Bliss]

I am not sure if i have the exact success story of going out solo and meeting someone. I usually meet people through people i already know. However, i do have a few tips that have helped me in social situations.

I am a bit of a lone wolf myself but being a lone wolf doesn't mean you cannot come across as confident. My initial communications with many women right before i meet them is through eye contact. Don't stare, but be sure you are subtly noticing anyone that is noticing you.

I would also reconsider how you are dressing, if you are depending on first impressions, you should look sexy. Consider unbuttoning you top two buttons on all you button up shirts, people literally treat you differently. If that isn't you, find another way, untuck your shirt, find shirts with a collars. I assure you though when you make changes like this it feels unnatural at first, so consider it a social experiment. Upgrade your body language, always spread out and take up space.

Going solo isn't necessarily bad, you just have to appear (note: not necessarily be) confident.

[changos]

	Originally Posted by drswitchoff To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't have any sense of the forum demographics. I'm thirty four and a tentatively successful parent. At the moment, I'm asking for stories of experience. For example, one of my early failures was going to a show by myself. In retrospect, it's obvious that a man showing up solo in public is a red flag. What else?

Many go alone to many places, I'm surprised by that. Anyway, many women told me how important it is for them to see a man by himself, not with the bunch of friends. Not every woman things like this but some see it as a strong personality, independence.

I like being alone and due to that and lack of support I've been alone at so many places... and it allowed me to get to know new people. Sometimes I'm closed (most of times) but some times I'm open to talk some more (some people here just can't accept the fact that life will get you new people without you doing nothing).



Yesterday, a friend of mine (female) told me about her recent trip, she, alone, joined a group of travelers, the group was formed by small groups of friends and families... and many who went there alone. Some enjoy this, some do it because they want to get to know new people, this happens more than often than we would care to admit it.


Besides, don't underestimate the power of mystery... you, alone, seeing by some women... hey, it happens, a lot will feel attracted, trust me, just be open and ready to connect.

[Shoshana]

A man on his own definitely catches my eye. I don't read anything negative into it. How about men seeing women alone in social settings such as movie theaters, or showing up to a party where you're allowed to bring a guest? I tend to be a lone wolf about 80% of the time and I always wonder how this comes across.

[drswitchoff]

That's helpful. Sometimes I'm put off by people being open and forget that other people might not be.

---------- Post added 04-10-2012 at 09:37 AM ----------

	A man on his own definitely catches my eye. I don't read anything negative into it. How about men seeing women alone in social settings such as movie theaters, or showing up to a party where you're allowed to bring a guest? I tend to be a lone wolf about 80% of the time and I always wonder how this comes across.

That's one reason why I brought this up here. It 's seems like people here have experience doing things alone. Now that you mention it, I can't think of one social setting where I've seen a woman on her own. If I did, I would be curious. I guess I mean parties. I don't think I'm going to go to many parties this year.

[Velocitii]

Originally Posted by changos To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Many go alone to many places, I'm surprised by that. Anyway, many women told me how important it is for them to see a man by himself, not with the bunch of friends. Not every woman things like this but some see it as a strong personality, independence. Besides, don't underestimate the power of mystery... you, alone, seeing by some women... hey, it happens, a lot will feel attracted, trust me, just be open and ready to connect.

While I can't say women feel attracted to me, I've had a good amount of females approach me when I'm alone in public.

It happens at various places, shopping, museums, at the park, etc.
The most recent one was about a week ago at the museum where I was just checking out paintings, and a girl whom I assume is around my age (20's) approached me and started talking. We ended up having lunch down the block, and never saw her again.

The most memorable was when I was 19 and went to Paris alone (I saved up and paid for everything myself), and this attractive woman (looked to be about late 20's) approached me and started talking as well. We hung out for a few hours visiting museums and parted ways by sundown. Granted, I should've been more careful overseas alone, but it was a good experience.

I usually have my headphones on when I'm out alone, so I wonder if my chances of meeting someone compatable would increase if I didn't bring it out.

	Originally Posted by Shoshana To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A man on his own definitely catches my eye. I don't read anything negative into it. How about men seeing women alone in social settings such as movie theaters, or showing up to a party where you're allowed to bring a guest? I tend to be a lone wolf about 80% of the time and I always wonder how this comes across.

I think it depends on the guy.
I for one don't care.

[Distance]

Fear of dying or being alone doesn't sound like a great reason to look for or enter a relationship.

[drswitchoff]

That's another point. Don't enter a relationship because you're lonely. Don't fix the roof because it's not raining. I suppose looking for a partner counts as avoidance or comfort seeking and a relationship would be healthier if both partners were self sufficient but it's not going to happen. I've embraced the horror, so to speak, taken the red pill, done all I can as an island. Emerson would be proud. That which has not killed me might as well have. An imperfect partnership will have to due.

[holdyourhead]

When people don't want to die alone, I think what they actually mean is they don't want to die having lived most of or their whole life alone. I get this. The dying bit doesn't bother me though. It's the many decades of life that bring you closer to it.

I feel it would be harder being old and alone though. The older someone is the harder it becomes to change their life or do anything different with their life. It's tough for those who have been with someone and extremely close for most of their life, grown old, and to then live on after their partner dies.

[BuShinJu]

	Originally Posted by drswitchoff To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Like some others here I flee from rooms full of people. I've been lucky. Unlikely events transpired to connect me with a couple good partners but now I'm thirty something and if I don't want to die alone I need to get out. Has anyone here started from scratch? Not a co-worker or classmate but a stranger? You met a bunch of strangers and found one that fit?

Yep, I'm starting from scratch.

At least that's what it feels like, I'm making all the rookie mistakes after years of not trying anything. Basically the only reason I am doing it now is because I realise that I can do it. I can do it, systemise it, iterate and refine it until it works and it is mastered, just like every single other topic I have ever applied myself to.

The funny thing is that all these 'hard' things, that people find so difficult can be reduced down and then achieved. It helps to get some form of coaching, and coaching can be found so easily on the internet for this topic and any other topic you could ever think of.

[Claudus]

Something I've learned and come to appreciate, women don't control how attracted to you they are, you do.

When a woman styles her hair, and does whatever else to make her more attractive, she's in control of making herself more attractive, you have to do the same thing... make yourself more attractive, for most people it takes effort.

Power, status, and kindness are some of the big things women find attractive... from those you can derive height, money, dominance, style of dress, physique, sense of humor, intelligence, etc.

Work on mastering those things, and put yourself out there.

[eagleseven]

Yeah, I recognize the need to develop a serious relationship before I become physically incapacitated.

[intjistp]

I have never understood what "dying alone" means.

[Dung]

Pick a stranger randomly and chances are that it will be a fantastic match.