[Noelle Winters]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Most social situations, such as business, demand it. Customer-Servor situations and relationships with friends only demand you be made happy. The two are not equal.

I suppose you are correct, probably large part of the reason I hated working in retail. XD

[KeithP]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Most social situations, such as business, demand it. Customer-Servor situations and relationships with friends only demand you be made happy. The two are not equal.

While true, the easiest way to be social is to be happy in your engagements. It makes you more approachable and amiable when being spoken to. Customer service or friends/family.

plotthickens is mostly right in her earlier longer post as well. I was taught these kind of skills in journalism school. Surface, broad questions, can be dissected into deeper personal questions if you plinko the original question and make connections. It's kind of fun. Make it an exercise one day to chat up a stranger. Take any situation, make a surface observation and go with it.

[Arguendo]

Thanks you guys for all the advice. Believe it or not, I’ll actually take notes on what you all say.
I could have just googled “how to small talk” but decided that it was better to hear personal experiences and tips from people who overcame the anxiety of small talk.

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	[*]Smalltalk is not about the words. It's about spending time on someone else: showing that they are worth your time and interest, that you listen, that you like being around them.

Thanks! That line was especially helpful!

	Originally Posted by ummon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	That's not small talk anymore. That's actually useful talk.

That’s something I never understood: small talk vs. useful talk. I read online somewhere that “report talk” is different from “rapport talk.” The purpose of rapport talk is to form connections and build relationships with people.

---------- Post added 04-06-2012 at 11:24 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Noelle Winters To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I do hate to be unhelpful, but is there any real reason you want to master small talk?

INTJs make up 1% of the population. It is nice to be a part of the minority, but a part of me longs to find a way to connect to the other 99% of the world.

	Originally Posted by Noelle Winters To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Ever since I completely stopped engaging in babble, I have found I actually made friends who suit my tastes/personality much better.

That is a very interesting point! There is a question I’d like to ask you ☺
If you are an INTJ, how do you find or approach other INTJs without resorting to small talk? Do you just approach them, bypass the small talk part then jump to a controversial discussion topic?

[pravda]

Questions, questions, questions.

But, you have to be able to make this seem natural. Try to connect every question with the previous topic.

Also, helps at the beginning at the conversation if you talk about their "trivia": what did they do in the last five-three hours? Then you can start talking about something more interesting to you, once you have figured out if you find something about them that makes you interested to know more.

I use these tricks all the time. When people meet me alone, they think I am very sociable. They have no idea I have to mentally force myself to make conversation. In groups though, I am still not engaging in discussion
In one on one conversations I can at least somewhat control the conversation. In groups though, it's too many random minds to handle at one time, so the conversation goes astray.

---------- Post added 04-06-2012 at 01:22 PM ----------

	Do you just approach them, bypass the small talk part then jump to a controversial discussion topic?

it's possible, but you usually need a conversation starter that is just that, a conversation starter

[eli]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	[*]There is no sweeter sound than the sound of one's NAME, like MARTHA. Use it.

Well I'll agree with that, but using it every sentence will make you sound like a creepy telemarketer. I'd generally try to work it into the conversation on three instances; when you first learn, a few minutes into the conversation (or anytime you feel like you're halfway about to loose patience) and when saying goodbye (ex: "Well it was real nice meeting you MARTHA, hope to see you again soon.").

Anytime someone uses my name repeatably I become guarded, because I know they are trying to really get me into their good graces and I figure it's because they want something.

[TheWanderer]

Pass the ball to them, and mine any shared intrests or common points between you. Failing that find out what interests them and talk about that

[BlSH0P]

if you want to be good at small talk, gently severe off your frontal lobes (the parts of the brain respobsible for advanced, "intellectual" thought and reasoning) and put them in a blender. THen, youll be able to talk about "nothing" with ease

[VF1J]

Bite the bullet and copy what they say and do, albeit in a different order.

[jawa]

For INTJs it's often difficult to use small talk instead of skipping to bigger, meaningful topics (mainly those that are controversial but relevant to real life, such as politics).

Small talk in and of itself is pointless, but it takes boldness to get past it. So for the majority of people, those that enjoy in small talk, they do it as an ice breaker. I guess to them it's seen as a way of checking if someone is safe or not. If you pass the polite-mask test of small talk, you have the potential to further get to know them and then start having real conversations.

For me, my greatest stumbling block when it comes to small talk is messing up my lines. If I'm asking someone a question and they say, 'how are you?' I respond with 'fine, thanks, how are you?' and then proceed much to soon to ask the question before they can respond with 'I'm good, thanks.' It's like that meme where someone says 'hi' and I say 'good thanks,' kind of thing.

Of course people don't think about it too much and it'd be rude for others to comment on any messups, so life goes on and you learn another mini-lesson in small talk. I mastered semi-small talk by taking up smoking when I was younger. You might try that, as I've found smokers to be much calmer and easier to go from mild small talk to things somewhat important.

[Booko]

	Originally Posted by Arguendo To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So something along the lines of being vague, obvious and mundane? Avoid hate, sex and politics?

Sex, religion and politics are the usual taboo topics. And there's some wisdom in that.

	But why avoid controversial topics? I would find it much easier to talk about Obama Care than the "weather." lol

True, and odds are good the other person will only end up being offended by something you say or their eyes will glaze over at the details you throw at them.

There's a certain pattern to small talk. Use your INTJ observational skills to watch how others engage in it and treat it like you're learning lines for a play. Then play your part.

You might be bored by it, but there are good reasons to engage because it will be to your personal benefit in the long run.

Mostly I try to ask some leading questions so the other person can do the talking.

The weather is easy for me to field, as I can always make a comment about gardening in some way. Sports is hell for a topic for me, but as I'm a woman no one really expects me to say anything about that anyway.

If someone asks me if I saw some tv show (usually that I think is a crashing BORE and would not waste a moment watching) I don't say "No, I don't watch that show" but "No, I missed that last night".

Because God knows, we all just have to watch the popular shows or it's insulting to those who do. It's better to hedge.

---------- Post added 04-18-2012 at 04:30 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Arguendo To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you are an INTJ, how do you find or approach other INTJs without resorting to small talk? Do you just approach them, bypass the small talk part then jump to a controversial discussion topic?

Yes. If I started with small talk they would think I was ill.

My immediate family is all INTx and not interested in small talk.

I've worked with a few NTs and we learned eventually we could just skip the small talk. Huzzah.

I've run a forum with another INTJ and we still IM all the time and don't bother with small talk. If either of us wants to broach a subject that might be controversial we might start with "Hm, do you mind if I ask something?" But we also know enough to agree to disagree.

[Corvusalba]

I really struggled with this for quite a long time.

Find someone who is good at small talk, observe them , analyse what they do, and use them as a model.
Its all about being in rapport, take an interest , match pace and their physiology without being a copy cat.

Be interested in them, and be prepared to share something about yourself. As INTJ's, we can be distant and this doesn't always help.

[BostonIan]

	Originally Posted by Arguendo To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Please teach me how? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Reps, banalities, hooks = Keep at it. Default to weather, sports, and clothing. Reach back for some earlier alluded-to thread when the present one stalls.

S'all tone and body language anyway. Amuse yourself and savvy listeners. Talk to interesting ones.

[bluestockings]

Small talk is easy. Just remember that the "small" in small talk stands for:
Stupid
Mundane
Annoying
Lame and
Loquacious.
Have you ever heard someone sound intelligent when they are engaging in small talk? To succeed at small talk, you must sound like a moron without a mind of their own. This is important. If you care about sounding intelligent, you will fail at small talk. The dumber you sound, the better. And keep the stupid comments and questions flowing. Remember: small talk is not about quality, it's about quantity. You must act as if every idiotic thing the other person says is the most interesting thing you've ever heard and you must do this convincingly. To do this convincingly, you must be a good actor and to be a good actor, you must actually believe what you are saying in that moment. Eventually if you do too much small talk, you will feel like you are betraying a part of yourself and you will wonder why you are making such an effort to converse with the type of people who enjoy small talk.

I'm not being facetious. I'm very good at small talk and these are the "secrets."

[Apex]

Sorry, I cant help you here, but I have mastered the art of avoiding small talk.

[AnotherMatt]

Working in sales in retail helped me develop my small talk skills. Basically you have to be able to relate to people in order to sell more so I worked hard to develop said skills. Usually breaking the ice with a joke or making a comment about what they're wearing works best as a start. Try to find common experiences to talk about and go from there.

[Zsych]

Small talk is more about attitude than content. Considering you don't initially know someone's interests, and they don't yet have reason to like you or share their deeper thoughts with you - you talk about simple things... with a good attitude / mood. Show some interest in the other person and their opinions or how they feel. Don't tear them down for being wrong... maybe share something about something common that you like that the person can relate to... and they will begin to open up.

But mostly, I'd say that you focus on the emotions of being happy or confident yourself and having positive feelings towards the other person.

Beyond that, your small talk skills improve with more random conversations. For example, say Hi to people in the elevator. Ask them about their work. If its hot, say its hot (just something that you share with them - maybe let them express their frustration)... mostly just start conversations, and your mind will figure out how to keep them interesting and get to the good stuff, over time.

---

As for disliking smalltalk. I'd say its more a matter of not accepting the purpose of smalltalk. As a general rule, INTJ should also be result oriented. As nice as it would be for people to open up to you in a second, or completely trust you without you giving them reason to - in reality they won't, and you have to ease them into it. Most things in life can't be done alone, so you have to develop the skills to create relationships in a way that people think positively of you, and are inclined to help you where you need it.
(and if you think you can do everything yourself - even if you could, why would you want the accomplishing of your objectives to take longer than it has to? Move things along so you can get to the next thing you want)

[Tactical Panda]

	Originally Posted by Arguendo To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Please teach me how? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hmm. Although I probably am no "master".

• Ask questions about things in the discussions you are genuinely interested in. Be able to listen and also able to speak up.
• Practice the art of conversation - engage with one another instead of using alternating monologues.
• Body language that matches theirs, some eye contact and a bit of warm facial expressions tend to assist communication of things such as your emotional response to what they are saying.

[ModernLit]

i usually bring up things that if they don't like, there's something wrong with them: chocolate, ice cream, the Beatles. if there's good music playing in a bar, i'll talk to the bartender about music.

then again i'm not good at small talk. if someone tries to talk to me i'll just say inappropriate things like "do you always get this drunk? are you gay? how many people have you slept with?" yeahhh, usually they leave me alone after that
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which was kind of the goal anyway. actual advice: first sentence. i've had small chats with people in grocery stories, usually because i'm wearing an interesting t-shirt that they ask about. i answer what they ask, add a new detail or two, smile, and awkwardly walk away.

[SeverusSin]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	...You could be saying gaga googoo and if your body language was good, they'd think you were odd but generally a great person to be around....

So true, I must say I tend to automatically fall into this formula for dealing with smalltalk. I tend to follow up their self-musings with silence though, unless they in turn begin to ask me questions.

[zibber]

Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Kindly generalize about the INTJs you know only thanks. I did it professionally for most of my life. I reccommend: Do it like the pros I have observed England's royal family do the smalltalk thing. They are experts. What they do is ask the other person about themselves. Go check out a couple of those "day in the life" things, you can see the same formula again and again. Sounds like Good morning, NAME. Good morning, Royal Personage. How are you this morning? I am well thank you, and you? I'm great. That's excellent. So this is your Pub, NAME? Yes, it was my father's before me. Ah, a family heritage? Yes, he started running it before The Great War. That's excellent. Did he serve soldiers here when it was over? Oh, yes (tells story) That was a lovely story, thank you. I'm afraid we have to go, but I have really enjoyed my stay with you, NAME. Formula is Opening pleasantries with NAME cementing interrelationship Ask questions until find an area NAME is comfortable talking with Listen patiently Thank NAME for story Do it like an expert Learn the shit out of your weather. For instance, make your local weather your Home page ( US: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ) so you know what's going on. Perfect in all cases of smalltalk. Here's how I did it this morning: Good morning! Good morning. What's your name? I'm MARTHA. Yours? I'm PT. Isn't the weather delicious lately? Oh yes it's been so clear! A little cold though, don't you think, MARTHA? Yes, it was a bit rough getting to work this morning. Then are you looking forward to the nice warm Saturday, MARTHA? Oh, it's going to be warm? That's great! Yes, so warm that I think we might go to the park. Do you have plans for this Saturday, MARTHA? Hm, we were thinking about staying home and getting some chores done. Easier to get them done when it's not raining, right MARTHA? *laughs* There is no sweeter sound than the sound of one's NAME, like MARTHA. Use it. Stay away from smalltalk about God, Guns, Gays, nor Gold (money). Basically what's safe is weather and maayyyybe family and cute pets. Let me clarify: THEIR family, THEIR plans in this weather, and THEIR cute pets. Stick to those and you're golden. Smalltalk is not about the words. It's about spending time on someone else: showing that they are worth your time and interest, that you listen, that you like being around them. You could be saying gaga googoo and if your body language was good, they'd think you were odd but generally a great person to be around. Smile!

Damn. School's out.

[dah]

Half of you peeps couldn't pass a Turing test
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[Samoan Corleone]

"How are the kids?"

Even people who don't have kids enjoy being asked that.

[Bailalobos]

My career forced me to master "small talk." I've found that the more you inform yourself of any/everything, the greater your chances of making a link w/conversation partners. Luckily we INTJs are such voracious knowledge sponges; this works to our advantage.

[Still Standing]

Fast Company just put out an interesting article on the topic. Their 5 questions to work a room at an event (business-related):

- What's your connection to the event?
- What's keeping your busy when you're not at events like this or at work?
- Are you getting away this summer?
- Are you working on any charity initiatives?
- How did you come to be in your line of work?

And a whole lot more
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with the focus on establishing enough common ground to determine a reason to connect again.

[Slawler]

Just remember this:

Extroverts love to talk about themselves. Let them, encourage them, pretend or actually care and listen to them based on your own preference.

Introverts are probably comfortable standing in silence. If you want to make small talk with them, you'll have to be a bit more probing, and you will also have to share a bit more about yourself.