[tms1337]

I'm in an unhealthy, recently unhappy relationship that I feel stuck in.

I've been seeing this girl on and off for about a year and a half. I found out pretty quickly, she has low self esteem, very poor self image physically and mentally, and a pretty bad eating disorder.

When she's feeling fine (never good), things are great - we laugh and are fully absorbed in each other, to the point where time becomes blurred. Real storybook kind of stuff. It felt great - this was a person I felt that I could be 100% myself with. I was myself with her. We thought we were our 'ones'.

But I don't feel this way any more.

We had a big falling out almost a year ago. I was tired of her needy and destructive habits - leaving me, cutting off communication when she was stressed, dealing with her problems by herself (which is OK, but as said, she doesn't communicate to me about what's going on, which, I think, is essential in a real relationship), clingy, desperate, and high-maintenance. I told her this, hoping it would be the spark to really get her to change her ways, whether she was with me or not.

So we did that time apart.

In the fall we got back together. It was a long time coming, and she had to convince me into the relationship, after I told her straight up a few times that we could never be together. "I changed," she said. "I'm not scared any more. I love you." She kept at it, and here we are.

She just started a new job a few weeks ago, and she hates it. Ok, that's fine, that happens. But she's going right back into her old ways. Relapses with her eating disorder (which she spend the bulk of last year doing heavy therapy for), and getting more and more distant. Plus, there's this guy at work she talks about all the time; they're getting pretty chummy,. and I just don't trust her.

Looking back on what I just wrote, maybe I'm not as stuck as I think. I feel bad about leaving her, making her sad. But this was her choice. I have to be happy to. I have to fix myself after this mess. I've made a huge mistake.

I feel ashamed that I fell for her tricks above all else. I knew this was coming, and I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved...and I did. Ugh.

So, I guess...has anyone else gone through this? How did your personal healing begin? How did you brace for the ****storm that goes down when you told your SO you weren't happy? She's going to shift blame, she's going to distort and attack me. I know this. But I'm still not prepared, and I'm not looking forward to this...

[sergi0]

You have tried to help her but I gues she needs more than you can give and it is not fair to you. I think that in relationship you should support each other but here it sounds that you are the only one who supports. So as you said yourself it is better to quit. Sad but true. Has she any other people in her life?

[Cooper]

The things people say to us, or about us, are one of two things. They are either true or false. As long as you know what they are, the rest does not matter. Let her say whatever she says.

[satellite opi9]

She may have borderline personality disorder. There's a few BPD threads on here that may offer advice.

[Async]

"she has low self esteem, very poor self image physically and mentally, and a pretty bad eating disorder. "

oh oh, that doesn't sound good.

Clingy? Good bye. The "I" type needs personal space.

[Haumea]

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might be helpful, as well as
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.

"What they have in common is that they suffer, and use their pain to hold on to their men."

"The only way to learn to deal with the waif and neurotic is through experience. It’s hard to teach a man to temper his protective instinct. A waif who connects with a man’s heart and pride enslaves him more than the golddigger who connects through his loins and wallet."

[joliet]

If you are still interested, have you tried verbally expressing your boundaries? She probably has changed, but what craziness you do see from her is because she feels safe to be crazy to you. If you set boundaries, if she cares about you enough, then she'll learn to respect them. The key is to remain supportive and accepting when you do give these boundaries. If you've tried giving boundaries before and failed, it might have been because you didn't seem supportive, so she interpreted your actions as an attempt to push her away or abandon her.

Edit:

Also, don't feel responsible to fix her.

[krisl]

I know someone who constantly went back to a relationship that messed with that person's head. It was a roller coaster, great, terrible, great, terrible, terrible. Eventually it wasn't worth it.

I'm not sure if that's exactly what's happening with you, but be careful.

[mhy]

I am going through something similar...gf was hospitalized and I didn't even know about it...I say give her one last chance if you feel like it (seems you've already given her chances). That's what I'm going to do; if my last chance doesn't change things, I'm done.

[tms1337]

I know I'm definitely done with this. She's had multiple chances, and I should have let her go a long time ago.

I just don't want to say, "I'm done, goodbye," though. I want to tell her all these things, let her know why she does the things she does, why I chose to be with her, all the problems, so that she could begin her search for a fix. Is that a hopeless cause?

[Litchee]

If you think that you will be unable to say these things orally (I have this problem with heavy stuff and drama) you could write it to her. Letter, email. If you want to break up in person, do it and then give her your letter or send your email.

It's not a hopeless cause. Not very long ago, I got involved too fast in a friendship with a guy that had serious psychological issues (depression, lack of anger management...). That relationship was destructive for both of us, notably because the guy wanted more. More than just friendship, and more that I could provide : I already have a boyfriend and close friends and their problems are my top priority.
Anyway, after a serious fight and a lot of drama, we decided to part ways while it was still time. Before and during that drama phase, I had listened to him and tried to give him advice and hope for the future.
Since them, I have heard from him a few times (we had decided not to be really friends anymore but that we could still talk to each other once in a while) and he told me he was a lot better.

[seekingclarity]

Stop focusing on all of her faults and take a moment to figure out your dysfunctional role in this relationship. That is the only way you will figure out what to do and how to do it. The more you pick her apart, the less attention and responsibility your are placing upon yourself in this dynamic. Believe it or not, everything she does that torments you is touching upon something you need to resolve within yourself.

[storm eyes]

Originally Posted by seekingclarity To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Stop focusing on all of her faults and take a moment to figure out your dysfunctional role in this relationship. That is the only way you will figure out what to do and how to do it. The more you pick her apart, the less attention and responsibility your are placing upon yourself in this dynamic. Believe it or not, everything she does that torments you is touching upon something you need to resolve within yourself.

I very much agree with this, A-frame relationships are only possible if both parties partake. Focusing on her is denying yourself the opportunity for personal growth. A bit of introspection perhaps?

[PurpleGiraffe]

	Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But this was her choice. I have to be happy to. I have to fix myself after this mess. I've made a huge mistake. I feel ashamed that I fell for her tricks above all else. I knew this was coming, and I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved...and I did. Ugh.

Nothing is really a mistake as long as you learn from it. She had a choice to get back together same as you did. Now end it if you aren't happy. You have the right and, daresay, responsibly to make sure you are living your life in a way that suits you - whether that is with her, alone, or with someone else. I realize that is sometimes easier said than done but not much in life worth having comes easy.

[Vulture]

	Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I know I'm definitely done with this. She's had multiple chances, and I should have let her go a long time ago. I just don't want to say, "I'm done, goodbye," though. I want to tell her all these things, let her know why she does the things she does, why I chose to be with her, all the problems, so that she could begin her search for a fix. Is that a hopeless cause?

this is not something to be done lightly. to the wrong person, laying it out there can be terribly destructive. she sounds like she might be that exact wrong person.

it's not worth it. she may simply not be ready for such knowledge. it would be equivalent to driving a monster truck into an ancient aztec village... they have no knowledge of internal combustion engines or sunday sunday madness... they will simply fear, or hate the unknowable mass invading their village.

baby steps are important to self-analysis. dropping a knowledge bomb onto her village of ignorance will be interpreted as you blaming her, ONLY.

just let it go... unless she insists on a reason and is GENUINELY wanting to know exactly why what is what, and you think she is ready for such insights.

give her the general synopsis of the story of your relationship to start. keep it to no more than 2 sentences. measure her reply from there.

[NicholasIv]

Neither of you are wrong, just right now isn't right, things aren't always so black and white. Clearly the relationship in it's current state isn't what is best for you and if she loved you she could understand this, may be what drives her to be distant to begin with. She needs to take a look at what she needs as well. Right now it would be hypocritical for you not to be honest with her about the current situation, wouldn't it? You did say how important communication is for you. It seems you two have a connection and that connection isn't valueless, maybe you two are each others 'ones' who knows, but in order for you two to ever be happy together, you shouldn't be together right now.

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm in an unhealthy, recently unhappy relationship that I feel stuck in.

So leave it.

[JulietCapulet]

Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'm in an unhealthy, recently unhappy relationship that I feel stuck in. I've been seeing this girl on and off for about a year and a half. I found out pretty quickly, she has low self esteem, very poor self image physically and mentally, and a pretty bad eating disorder. When she's feeling fine (never good), things are great - we laugh and are fully absorbed in each other, to the point where time becomes blurred. Real storybook kind of stuff. It felt great - this was a person I felt that I could be 100% myself with. I was myself with her. We thought we were our 'ones'. But I don't feel this way any more. We had a big falling out almost a year ago. I was tired of her needy and destructive habits - leaving me, cutting off communication when she was stressed, dealing with her problems by herself (which is OK, but as said, she doesn't communicate to me about what's going on, which, I think, is essential in a real relationship), clingy, desperate, and high-maintenance. I told her this, hoping it would be the spark to really get her to change her ways, whether she was with me or not. So we did that time apart. In the fall we got back together. It was a long time coming, and she had to convince me into the relationship, after I told her straight up a few times that we could never be together. "I changed," she said. "I'm not scared any more. I love you." She kept at it, and here we are. She just started a new job a few weeks ago, and she hates it. Ok, that's fine, that happens. But she's going right back into her old ways. Relapses with her eating disorder (which she spend the bulk of last year doing heavy therapy for), and getting more and more distant. Plus, there's this guy at work she talks about all the time; they're getting pretty chummy,. and I just don't trust her. Looking back on what I just wrote, maybe I'm not as stuck as I think. I feel bad about leaving her, making her sad. But this was her choice. I have to be happy to. I have to fix myself after this mess. I've made a huge mistake. I feel ashamed that I fell for her tricks above all else. I knew this was coming, and I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved...and I did. Ugh. So, I guess...has anyone else gone through this? How did your personal healing begin? How did you brace for the ****storm that goes down when you told your SO you weren't happy? She's going to shift blame, she's going to distort and attack me. I know this. But I'm still not prepared, and I'm not looking forward to this...

When a girl starts talking about another guy romantically to you...this is a bad sign in my opinion (and vice versa the guy toward the girl). I feel it is disrespectful of her, and I support the idea of finding a more healthy situation for you. I really wish you happiness and I'm sorry you are in such an uncomfortable and difficult situation. Best wishes.

[PetarI]

You only have one life and relationships like this are a waste of time. There are some people you can't help and if you decide to leave there is nothing to feel guilty about. If all of what you said is true you deserve much better...

[Noelle]

I would say just cut her loose. You can't fix her, it seems like you've tried. You'll only feed each other's weaknesses. Honestly, if she's talking about a guy at work that she's getting 'chummy' with, there's a good chance she already knows the relationship is pretty much dead and she's either cluing you in that she might leave, or she's trying to get a jealous reaction from you which isn't worth sticking around for either.

I'd say just keep it simple. If she can't be trusted with behaving publicly when you tell her it's over, tell it in an email or text. It would probably be best if you keep it short and to the point.

[Booko]

You can withstand the temporary misery after exiting this relationship or you can remain in it and extend the misery even longer.

Which option seems most logical to you?

Just be as kind as you can on the way out. You can't control how she'll react, but at least you can sleep well nights if you know you did everything you could to not be a jerk while breaking up.

[SwedenF]

	Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I feel ashamed that I fell for her tricks above all else. I knew this was coming, and I knew I shouldn't have gotten involved...and I did. Ugh.

I know that feeling. But the way I see, sometimes we just need to not do "the right thing", and be logical and follow that voice in our head. Sometimes we need to do something we know will crash and burn.

No experience is a total waste of time. You learned something new, about yourself and about people. Put it to good use, and there is no reason to feel ashamed that you fell for anything =)

[Autumnleaf]

Walk away. Cut off all contact and don't look back. Sticking around this is bad for your health.

[LifesEcstasy]

	Originally Posted by tms1337 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I feel ashamed that I fell for her tricks above all else. She's going to shift blame, she's going to distort and attack me. I know this. But I'm still not prepared, and I'm not looking forward to this...

What tricks exactly? You both spent time apart, and she apparently engaged in therapy for her eating disorder. You didn't really expect that someone with a chronic habit of self hate (that's what an eating disorder is) could cure that in a short period of time did you? She will struggle with that for years to come both in and out of therapy. Oh! You meant she met your requirement and convinced you to give it another go. Yeah that was obviously a trick.
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Nothing like expectations to set the tone.
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How you do it? Quickly, cleanly and without dumping it all on her as being 'her failure to change to fit your expectations'. She will come to understand the reason's for the breakup in time, you dumping emotions is only going to incite anger. Keep the conversation neutral, talk about the relationship, not about her. Be honest and tell her it's not working out the way you had hoped. It's time to let it go for good.

[FruitLoop]

Never do this. Get the hell out. It's not your problem, but its your fucked life. There's plenty more nice partners.