[ENIT]

I'm now 24 and I'm no more inclined to be in a relationship now than when I was 17.

I started dating a girl in the last few weeks (for the first time in a long time) and was trying to see myself doing the "standard" relationship stuff, but I've concluded that it just doesn't interest me.

I like doing stuff with her, but after we do something together, I just want her to go away for a few days. She's fun, but I'm not enamored with her. I've never been enamored with anyone, honestly. Regular sex would be nice, but (sacrilege!) it's not a good enough incentive to be obligated to someone in that way.

I like having friends, both male and female. I like spending time with them, I like talking to them, I like doing things together. But most of all, I like being able to NOT do those things when I don't want to without any hurt feelings.

Is this bad of me? Does it demonstrate a lack of wisdom or maturity on my part?

[Selene]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is this bad of me? Does it demonstrate a lack of wisdom or maturity on my part?

No it isn't.

You just happen to be someone who is not driven by the need for romantic relationships in order to be self-fulfilled. This attitude in itself, is not an indicator of wisdom or maturity right now. But, IMO it may have some bearing on your wisdom or maturity in terms of emotional growth, because you'll be missing out on the human dimension of intimacy with a partner, and the experience of consummate love in general.

[Anemoi]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	but after we do something together, I just want her to go away for a few days. (...) I like having friends, both male and female. I like spending time with them, I like talking to them, I like doing things together. But most of all, I like being able to NOT do those things when I don't want to without any hurt feelings.

Most accurate
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I don't see anything wrong if you are not interested in a relationship now. In case of being in one, I think it's important to negotiate independence in certain things and also the possibility of having plenty of time alone right from the beginning.

[Distance]

Actually, it does demonstrate a lack of maturity and wisdom but not because of what you might think. If you're not that into her, it's no surprise that she's fine for a good time and a roll but nothing more. But don't fool yourself. You are using her and if it's mutual use, then it's fine. But if she's got a lot of feelings for you, then you're being a jerk which points to a lack of maturity and wisdom.

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by Selene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But, IMO it may have some bearing on your wisdom or maturity in terms of emotional growth, because you'll be missing out on the human dimension of intimacy with a partner, and the experience of consummate love in general.

I don't mind talking about personal stuff, but I have no urge to be the default "emotional support" for someone else (or vice versa) and that seems to be a defining characteristic of a serious relationship.

---------- Post added 02-07-2012 at 07:27 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Distance To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Actually, it does demonstrate a lack of maturity and wisdom but not because of what you might think. If you're not that into her, it's no surprise that she's fine for a good time and a roll but nothing more. But don't fool yourself. You are using her and if it's mutual use, then it's fine. But if she's got a lot of feelings for you, then you're being a jerk which points to a lack of maturity and wisdom.

No worries, I've only recently come to this conclusion and I have every intention of making her aware of it.

I don't like using people.

[Selene]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't mind talking about personal stuff, but I have no urge to be the default "emotional support" for someone else (or vice versa) and that seems to be a defining characteristic of a serious relationship.

This is the first time you've dated after a long hiatus.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the lowest), how confident are you in agreeing that this lack of urge will apply to almost all women?

[ENIT]

Probably an eight.

I've tried to imagine dating female friends who I really like and it's essentially the same issue, regardless of how much I enjoy their personalities.

[Distance]

From the sounds of it, you've never been in love.

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by Distance To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	From the sounds of it, you've never been in love.

Absolute right.

But without making any definitive claims, 24 is pretty late in the game for no one to have ever even been in the ballpark.

I'm sure older people will smile patronizingly at me for that, but I think there's some truth to it.

[Selene]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Probably an eight. I've tried to imagine dating female friends who I really like and it's essentially the same issue, regardless of how much I enjoy their personalities.

Distance has made a good point.

IMO if you've (1) experienced romantic love, and with (2) a larger sample size behind your experience with women, and (3) your conclusion remains constant, then I would agree that you simply don't need serious relationships with women in-order to attain "successful living".

What do you think?

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by Selene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Distance has made a good point. IMO if you've (1) experienced romantic love, and with (2) a larger sample size behind your experience with women, and (3) your conclusion remains constant, then I would agree that you simply don't need serious relationships with women in-order to attain "successful living". What do you think?

I've never "experienced romantic love". But I think that's part and parcel of the same deal.

[idoj]

Everyone has individual needs... If you have to ask... You probably still need someone...

Everyone needs someone... but not everyone needs it the same way... If it makes you happy... do it...

"Do what You like unless you like gang bangin'..." ~ICE CUBE? or ICE T? can't remember
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[Distance]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Absolute right. But without making any definitive claims, 24 is pretty late in the game for no one to have ever even been in the ballpark.

It is late in the game but doesn't mean that this will last forever. But it also doesn't mean it won't.

Right now, I wouldn't worry too much about it until you hit your thirties and still display the same lack of attachment style. If so and it still concerns you, research the Attachment Theory.

[Selene]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I've never "experienced romantic love". But I think that's part and parcel of the same deal.

Hmmm... two pieces of material you may find interesting to muse over.

They are basically time worn theories and philosophies that you may find useful before making a final decision about where you stand, in terms of relationships.


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[ENIT]

I never really bought the hierarchy of needs stuff.

[justmee]

OP, I'm the same age and feel exactly the same way about dating and relationships. I feel like I'd have to sacrifice too much of who I am, just to make things work. At this point I'm just not willing to do that.

Honestly these feelings do concern me sometimes, but I've never considered it immature (selfish maybe?).

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by justmee To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	OP, I'm the same age and feel exactly the same way about dating and relationships. I feel like I'd have to sacrifice too much of who I am, just to make things work. At this point I'm just not willing to do that. Honestly these feelings do concern me sometimes, but I've never considered it immature (selfish maybe?).

Now, you say you're not willing to do it "at this point". Is there something that could make you change your mind in the future?

What could tip the scales?

[justmee]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Now, you say you're not willing to do it "at this point". Is there something that could make you change your mind in the future? What could tip the scales?

If I ever met someone I cared for strongly enough, I might be willing to make some sacrifices.

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by justmee To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If I ever met someone I cared for strongly enough, I might be willing to make some sacrifices.

That's interesting. In my case, no matter how much I like somebody, I don't think it would be enough to have a serious relationship, because being friends would always be a more appealing scenario.

That way I get all of the benefits of the company and I steer clear of all but the entanglements I volunteer for.

[Selene]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I never really bought the hierarchy of needs stuff.

Who have you turned to for emotional support?

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by Selene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Who have you turned to for emotional support?

Friends and family, mostly.

[justmee]

	Originally Posted by ENIT To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	That's interesting. In my case, no matter how much I like somebody, I don't think it would be enough to have a serious relationship, because being friends would always be a more appealing scenario. That way I get all of the benefits of the company and I steer clear of all but the entanglements I volunteer for.

Would you consider a romantic relationship with someone you liked if they completely accepted your independence, and you didn't have to change?

[Merak]

Perhaps you have not met the right person yet. I know that seems like a bullshit answer, but it was the truth for me. It wasn't until my mid-20's until I met someone who redefined my entire view on relationships.

[ENIT]

	Originally Posted by justmee To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Would you consider a romantic relationship with someone you liked if they completely accepted your independence, and you didn't have to change?

If I met somebody who basically wanted to be good friends and have sex, without any sort of responsibility to the other party? Sure, but few people would consider that a "romantic relationship".

	Originally Posted by Merak To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Perhaps you have not met the right person yet. I know that seems like a bullshit answer, but it was the truth for me. It wasn't until my mid-20's until I met someone who redefined my entire view on relationships.

I'm open to that possibility, but I'm not optimistic about the likelihood. And I'm not terribly upset about that or anything.

[krisl]

I also think you might not have met the right person yet.