[wotsamattaU]

(Nothing like having your browswer lock up on you in the middle of a reply...)

Ironborn - she is telling you the truth. I will attempt to elaborate on it for you.

It sounds to me as if she is entirely overwhelmed with the intensity of her own response and yours. She is stating quite frankly that she requires distance (time) and perhaps even greater perspective (experience other things).

She is a Dr. who is well aware of the need to pull back emotionally and allow rational thought to help her weigh vital decisions.

The strength of this experience you share attempts to push out rational thought. She knows this is dangerous. No decision will be made until the overwhelming feelings subside. In order to achieve this she must pull back from contact with you, as it only stirrs up those feelings once again. (fans the fire)

She states she is attempting to organize her thoughts. This is honesty. What has occurred between you could be summed up as too much too soon. Intensity can be frightening in it's sudden appearance and fire. When you have two intense individuals connecting, it can be scary as hell.

'Other experiences' = is this real? Did she want this experience so much she 'created' it out of nowhere? If so, will another inspire the same reaction in her? Did her yearning for a Soul Mate shape this reaction (in her) out of someone with very similar qualties? With a little time and distance, will her reaction to you be the same? She needs to know this.

If I were you I would relate to her:

• acknowledgement of the suddenness of connection
• you understand her need to make sense of it all
• you will respect her wishes
• you would like to touch base (in a general sense) in one-two weeks
• there is no pressure on any 'decision' re: the future
• you are interested in exploring what the future holds for you both on a day by day basis

(taking things one day at a time)

During this time of no contact, try to remove her from the pedestal. Remind yourself she is only human, there will be disappointments, no one is perfect.

Try very hard to immerse yourself in other projects/activities. Exhaust yourself.

[Strange Moon]

I think, wattsamataU's explanation is spot on and you should follow his advice, Ironborn.

[Shoshana]

Originally Posted by Calica To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

As far as the "hot and cold" otherwise observed, I do admit I`m sometimes guilty of it. :/ Being aware of one`s feelings at all times can get overwhelming. Or suddenly not feeling intensely can be cause for worry. There is however a difference between disregard as in being an oblivious introvert stuck in your head or off doing your own thing and disregard as in "deem unworthy of time or notice". Communication is key.

I do the hot and cold thing too, and not just in intimate relationships. It's more of an "I" thing than an NFP thing. In other words, getting overwhelmed and perhaps drained by intense human energy. I've met a number of INFPs and no two are alike--but one underlying commonality seems to be the hot/cold thing that leaves people puzzled about what you really think of them. It frustrates me that I do this. It's behavioral reflex more than any calculated behavior--and often different from what we REALLY feel. Am I wrong?

---------- Post added 02-03-2012 at 04:41 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Strange Moon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think, wattsamataU's explanation is spot on and you should follow his advice, Ironborn.

WotsamattaU is a she. :-)

[wotsamattaU]

I would agree that in all the introverts I know this has been true to differing extents. There may be a flurry of back and forth communication, followed by a period of silence. It does seem related to the need to regroup one's energies. The social battery is tapped and needs to recharge.

[jenni]

Ironborn, as an INFP in the healthcare field in my 30s, who is also has had intense connection with an INTJ, i feel like i can relate a bit to this girl. i too have been told am intelligent and humane/compassionate, am very idealistic and have a lot of self doubts which doesnt work well for my self worth when you are surrounded by arrogant smarties all day long that only think linearly. yet, i know theres more out there that we are not doing thats part of the reason i keep working harder, esp at humanitarian causes and give off this intelligent/compassionate vibe.

in any case, (this is for muse) i know for myself, i do sometimes APPEAR to run hot/cold but thats only because i feel things and perceive things and predict things that others do not. while it may not be logical or linear to you, it is certainly not without reason that i get hurt or become closed off. i spend a large part of my day taking care of others, being sensitive to their feelings, addressing their concerns, comforting them but who do i go to when i have these intense feelings myself? only very close people i trust at that moment. if you want to be close to me, be my non-judgmental rock. i dont go on about the same things on and on and i do want solutions but thats all secondary to just being there for me so that no matter how many times i face setbacks or hurt feelings, i know that i have you that believes in me and knows truly how am i. those setbacks are far easier to roll off when i know that you are there. are you there for this girl? have you let her express her messy inside feelings to you? or did you feel close to her because she did everything to take care of your needs/wants when you met? at least thats what i do -- i try to make the other person happy when i am with them. its not intentional always, its more a good defense mechanism if i dont want someone in or if i dont know them. its not fake because that is largely what i am about but to the people that i do share my messy crazy inside emotions with, those are the people i feel safe with and treasure. those are the people who can handle me. i only start to share when i feel i am allowed to and when asked.

my first boyfriend (I was younger, just 20..) fell in love with me because i accurately read what he needed and created that space for him. and i went out with him because of the convience of it... and i did fall in love with him but it took time for me to open up to him. by the time that i happened, i realized that the whole relationship was based on him getting his safe space and he couldnt really handle the waves of emotion i felt and talked about. obviously he wanted out as this was fitting his needs nor did it fit the picture of what he thought i was. i was very hurt because it felt like if i was getting dumped because i had problems, wasnt perfect, felt too much. thats the insecure part of the INFP -- we take the blame, we self-criticize. we dont want to feel like that from people we finally let in! im sure by now, this girl, in her 30s, has gone through similar bouts. i love a lot of people but i dont let them in (all the way) because its truly devastating when they cant handle my bizarre self. i want to let them in, but more then anything else, i want to feel safe, at home, comforted.

[wotsamattaU]

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She strongly believes in fate and is very romantic and there are too many coincidences even from my cold scientific point of view!

This is precisely why she is taking time/distance to sort her feelings. Are her beliefs and romanticisim coloring her emotional state? Truely this is your answer as to why she needs a break period.

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But she was unable to give me any clues of how long this should take (I got hints ranging from a day to what seems like many months, even years).

Can you give us more of an idea of these hints relating to time?

	Originally Posted by Strange Moon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My INFP friend also has often doubts about herself, especially when she is an extremely emotional mood. If you communicate with her try to express your confidence in her doing the right thing. INFPs love our calm INTJ confidence because they are often lost in a sea of emotions.

Strange Moon is correct. This will have a positive effect on her.

[jenni]

Originally Posted by Shoshana To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I do the hot and cold thing too, and not just in intimate relationships. It's more of an "I" thing than an NFP thing. In other words, getting overwhelmed and perhaps drained by intense human energy. I've met a number of INFPs and no two are alike--but one underlying commonality seems to be the hot/cold thing that leaves people puzzled about what you really think of them. It frustrates me that I do this. It's behavioral reflex more than any calculated behavior--and often different from what we REALLY feel. Am I wrong?

i agree -- its behavioral reflex that i cannot control even if i dont want to do it. it is however how i am feeling. im feeling overwhelmed, alone, unsupported, something! but it can be taken to a more extreme/serious way then it should. i need is comfort or reassurance or attention or similar. its can be a defense strategy of shutting down when i cannot find a way to do anything else.

[Ironborn]

Thank you so much for your support!

I will try to stick with your advices wotsamattaU and then go into a silent mode for lets say two weeks.

Concerning the time - she mentioned that she simply doesn´t know but when we had our "most intense" moments:" It could be tomorrow but it could be much much longer". She even told me to live my life fully or even mentioned another woman for me once, but my feeling was and is that she said both things out of complete desperation being on the verge of emotional "overload".

I know i´m probably very, very intense, extremely confident in general as well as about who I found in her, extremely educated, ...... but also very gentle, supportive and sensitive to her......

Jenni thank you, thank you!! Your description is a spot on match!

I am and I want to be definitely, unconditionally for her but she didn´t express her feelings openly. I believe I got hundreds clues but she probably feels too vulnerable, weak, scared to state her feelings directly. Isn´t it normal for INFP at this stage? She very briefly mentioned some "past issues".

As I have already said she is extremely intense, we both are. She is also extremely romantic and she apparently believes in fate and her "chosen" one who will cross her way and find her which in a way I did.

She also uses the following phrase from the very beginning: What is meant to be, will be.

[Litchee]

	Originally Posted by Strange Moon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm an INTJ but an INFP woman has been my closest friend for 8 years. I agree, they are the most wonderful creatures walking this earth ;-).

Now now. Let's not forget red pandas.
Aside from this precision, you are correct.
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————
Dear OP,

OK, so the last thing I want to do is give you false hope. I do not know this woman and I lack a lot of information to give any advice. For all I know, your feelings could be completely one-sided.

BUT.

When I met my soulmate, it took me a long time to fully admit, understand and accept it. In fact, I reacted pretty much like your friend did. I said I that needed time, that I didn't know. I was scared as hell and I didn't want to commit to such an intense relationship.
The guy was my best male friend, so we saw each other anyway. At first we said we'd stay friends for now (but he made it clear it would probably not be enough for him), then we decided we'd be friends who see each other naked
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then after a while I finally admitted that I was in love with him and that he was the one for me.

An INFP's biggest fear is definitive choices. We hate choosing. It makes us feel like we're giving up on what life may have to throw at us.
We'd like to think that anything is possible. And choosing someone for the long haul, committing to this kind of companionship, pretty much guarantees that "anything" won't be possible. We'll always have someone to think of beside ourselves. We won't go live abroad on a whim. We won't meet a tall dark stranger or have bilingual kids with a foreigner, or go live alone in the woods like Thoreau.
I'm blabbering, but you see what I mean. Choosing is our biggest fear. And you're asking her to make a pretty big choice.

Her hesitations don't necessarily mean that she is unhealthy and manipulative, or that she doesn't feel the same way you do. It may just be that she's scared.
My soulmate didn't give up on me. And it's been almost 7 years since I agreed to choose.
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[Ironborn]

Thank you Litchee and all of you!

I followed your advices and gave her breathing space to think about everything. She knows my position very clearly and she also knows that I don´t want to hurry anything and that I am willing to "go with the flow" and be there for her.

I would like to ask you one more question: How long do you think that it will take before some reply? How much time would you need? How long would you be able to wait?

[Strange Moon]

The longest time my INFP friend ever needed for herself (she calls it a "walkabout") was something between one or two weeks.
As for how long I would be able to wait....I know that every minute of waiting hurts. So, knowing myself, I would probably contact her after about a week, NOT asking for a decision but writing about what is going on in my life and showing indirectly that I still care for her and feel close to her. Maybe I would also HINT that I'm looking forward to meet her again. I think it is important that you DON'T stir up her emotions but instead show her a "positive calmness", show her that you have emotional reactions to other events and people in your life too. That way she will feel that you are a nice and sensitive guy AND she won't feel cornered and crowded by you. If she gets the impression that your happiness solely depends on her decision she will feel very stressed.

[Shoshana]

The way I would handle it? If you don't get a reply in two weeks. Ask her out to lunch or dinner--and don't bring up the subject of soulmates, relationships, etc again. Just treat it as a date with no pressure. In other words, just let it happen without having some major discussion about it.

It will either turn into a relationship on its own--because the two of you want that. Or it won't. Just don't discuss it. You can maybe discuss it after a few months if things are still going well.

That's my two cents.

[Ironborn]

Thank you. I´m going to do that.

It´s definitely not easy at all. I´m acting not waiting type.......meeting challenges prepared, with a plan but head on if possible......

I haven´t felt such feelings in my life so far....... maybe with one exception but it was much much more sexual then, this is very different, this is a real deep honest care for her well being and needs from the very beginning, very first hour.... like our minds melted and merged in a way.......and also strange calmness in the storm......

I have to admit that I was thinking about an ENTP (tough, open, well read, freethinking, sexy, smart and wild like hell....) before I met HER (INFP) but in my heart I knew that this ENTP is not really for me that it could be a very interesting experience but most probably nothing else.

...............and then I met HER (out of the blue) and everything changed and so many things are out of question now........

I won´t hurry it anymore, I will calm down myself completely in a few days and we will let it flow and we will see where it goes, I believe that she is as much aware as me that this is too serious an opportunity that we cannot allow us to fail because this happens once or twice in a lifetime if we are lucky..........

[Vermillion]

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She strongly believes in fate and is very romantic and there are too many coincidences even from my cold scientific point of view!

Even if something with a 1/1 trillion probability happens it is still a coincidence. The only alternative to the concept of coincidence is something occurring because of willful intent. Or do you view fate as the "will of the universe" or something like that?

Also of note is the level of emotion that both of you experienced. Not to piss on your parade but do you really think there is anywhere to go but down from that? When a person initially falls in love they experience a very strong dopamine reaction in their brain. Neuroscience reveals that this has the same effect on the brain as cocaine, one of the most psychologically addictive substances known to man.

In addition to that when you first fall in love you have serotonin levels in your brain comparable to people who are OCD.

I wouldn't go so far as to agree with Muse's assessment 100% but it is something to take into consideration. Some people do get addicted to that initial dopamine rush and move from person to person to achieve it without even knowing what they're doing.

It's only been two weeks. Don't make any hasty judgments about this chick good or bad.
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[Haumea]

	ok---every INFP is different but--I REALLY need my emotional space and I start to quietly panic when someone comes on strong with the love feelings before I've gotten to know them. It makes me wonder if they just want a warm body and anyone will do. In other words, desperation.

Shoshana gives a typically honest answer.

Guys should really be very very careful with the whole "soulmate" business -- regardless of its validity. That type of intense focus on one person can backfire if they take your feelings the wrong way (which is rather frequent in real life.)

There's a golden mean between being that intense and never developing a serious attachment to anyone. Too much in either direction and something is lost.

[Litchee]

I don't really believe in romantic clichés either.

Now I may have interpreted stuff the wrong way, but what I think I see in Ironborn's posts is something I know is real, because I lived it.
It's not a rush of dopamine. It's not a fleeting crush. It has very little to do with the classic butterflies that come with meeting a potential partner, and being attracted to them without knowing anything about them... It's not an ineffable, intangible feeling that falls upon you like lightning (and may go away as quickly as it came).

It's meeting someone who understands you from the very beginning. It's two minds that resonate with each other in a way you've never experienced before. It's nothing more than a very sudden, very deep and very real friendship.
That's what I call meeting your soulmate.

I admit I took for granted that this was what Ironborn meant. I hope I was right
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[wotsamattaU]

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I will try to stick with your advices wotsamattaU and then go into a silent mode for lets say two weeks.

I meant for you to suggest touching base with each other in one-two week's time. Since you have already communicated with her, it may be too late to suggest this. Unfortunately that puts you squarely in a waiting zone of undetermined length = highly stresful on you.

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Concerning the time - she mentioned that she simply doesn´t know but when we had our "most intense" moments:" It could be tomorrow but it could be much much longer". She even told me to live my life fully or even mentioned another woman for me once, but my feeling was and is that she said both things out of complete desperation being on the verge of emotional "overload".

She doesn't want you to hold up your life's plans for her. She suggests you continue seeing other women. This sounds to me as if she wants you to be certain without a shadow of a doubt. The passing mention of "past issues" may play in to that. Has she mentioned other significant long term relationships? It is possible she is having to work through the fear of getting hurt once again...or being the one who does the hurting.

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am and I want to be definitely, unconditionally for her but she didn´t express her feelings openly. I believe I got hundreds clues but she probably feels too vulnerable, weak, scared to state her feelings directly. Isn´t it normal for INFP at this stage? She very briefly mentioned some "past issues".

Yes, very normal.

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	As I have already said she is extremely intense, we both are. She is also extremely romantic and she apparently believes in fate and her "chosen" one who will cross her way and find her which in a way I did. She also uses the following phrase from the very beginning: What is meant to be, will be.

I think the one phrase which may be useful here is 'allowing it all to unfold'.

	Originally Posted by Ironborn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I would like to ask you one more question: How long do you think that it will take before some reply? How much time would you need? How long would you be able to wait?

Both Strange Moon and Shoshana have excellent approaches. I would choose which seems most appropriate to your situation. I agree very strongly with this last line:

	Originally Posted by Strange Moon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If she gets the impression that your happiness solely depends on her decision she will feel very stressed.

Litchee's account I relate to strongly as well, having been there...and still there half a dozen years later.

For me it was experienced as the strongest sense of instant familiarity of my lifetime. Same energy, same wave length. A commonality experienced without even knowing the person. It strikes at the very core of your being. This person is exceptional. This person is granted instant access to your thoughts. There is safety there. Synchronicities. Instant bonding. Instant friendship. Deep familiarity. A knowing between you. Some familiar chord in them striking the exact same resonance in you. A sense of timelessness. A sense of coming home.

[jenni]

i would like to add to all the wonderful comments by the INFPs (my homies!) that i agree AND that checking in with her to do something fun after 1.5 - 2 weeks, if you havent heard back yet by then, that would be a very nice touch (if it were me). it would help me see that you havent forgotten me, that you think of me, that i am not a fallback plan or a whim/chance girl that has past now. it will also show that dont need me for everything - that you have your life and are confident in what you do and that our lives will only be enhanced by each other. that your feelings, though intense, are sincere and longterm and not found everywhere. it will reassure me that you are not passing this up easily and that what you feel and sense is rare and special and worth making happen with me.

i know that this may seem a bit contradictory to the people who explained that the INFP ran away because of the intensity. for myself, im always a little less secure and run away not only because of the intensity but because i dont trust that it will last or that its just with me or that you are a stable mature person i can trust.... if all the above are true, i welcome the intensity -- it just takes time and reassurance that everything is checked off the list.

[Ironborn]

So Litchee and you knew that HE was the one from the very beginning or how long did it take?

The idea of soulmate is at the core of her beliefs and honestly I didn´t believe in such things at all two weeks ago but now it´s quite the opposite! I am completely, absurdly certain and it´s not dopamine rush at all. I´m well familiar with it and evolutionary perspective of relationships and mating in general.

In fact if somebody told me anything like this a month ago, I would laugh at his face.......

I think that I understand her "retreat" now because there is absolutely no point in hurrying things because if it´s what I (and she) think(s) it is then it is inevitable one way or the other, sooner or later.

So once I am completely settled with it - should be a week, two or three I just ask her to talk (if there is no reply from her). She will be hopefully equally ready and certain at that time...... and if not then I have other things to do for the time being.......my happiness definitely not solely depends on her decision but we can definitely have more of it together than alone...... that´s my feeling.

[Litchee]

Well, it took me a long time to understand and admit it.
When I met him we became close friends extremely fast, but I was with another guy at the time. Then the guy and I broke up and from then it took my friend and I about one or two months to go through the whole process I've described before.
You're right when you say there is no point in hurrying things. A few weeks is nothing compared to a lifetime
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Jenni, I don't think your post contradicts anything we said ; it's adding depth. You're right to say the INFP also needs to be sure that Ironborn's feelings are solid and will last.

[salsabrosa]

I am going through a similar struggle with an INFP man :'( HELP.

I pulled away because he said he was confused. I didn't want his confusion to be at my emotional expense. (He's still healing from a relationship that ended a year ago, and the fact that we had been friends for a long while seems like the source of his confusion.)

While I don't believe in ONE soulmate, if he decides to be in a relationship with me, I'm pretty much positive he's the man I will marry someday. It's so clear to me. I can relate to the sense of certainty from the OP.

My INFP told me it took him months to decide to love and commit to his ex. I think he's going through the same with me...

[Litchee]

Salsabrosa, if you think it's worth the wait and the uncertainty, don't let go. Of course I don't mean smothering him. But for instance, ask him out to dinner or something and when the moment's right, state your feelings one more time. Tell him why you think you're made for each other.

Of course you would know best and I don't mean to be inappropriate, but I think "acting on" these feelings, if the circumstances are right, may be a good idea, too. We all know that our bodies can sometimes communicate things that words are unable to convey...

Once again, I know it might seem unreasonable to pursue someone in this way. But I have been pursued, a little, and I couldn't regret it less, and I want people to find the same happiness I've found.
But of course if these INFP really don't want a relationship with you, not because they're scared of committing to you but because they just don't, I trust you will understand it and eventually drop it !

[Beric]

I'm in love in with the INFP personality, and yet I have minimal experience with any personally, other than one girl who's taken (though we seem to get along better than even my INTJ friends). I watch INFP anime, etc. It's an ideal for me. I can only hope to find an INFP soulmate someday.

[salsabrosa]

Originally Posted by Litchee To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Salsabrosa, if you think it's worth the wait and the uncertainty, don't let go. Of course I don't mean smothering him. But for instance, ask him out to dinner or something and when the moment's right, state your feelings one more time. Tell him why you think you're made for each other. Of course you would know best and I don't mean to be inappropriate, but I think "acting on" these feelings, if the circumstances are right, may be a good idea, too. We all know that our bodies can sometimes communicate things that words are unable to convey... Once again, I know it might seem unreasonable to pursue someone in this way. But I have been pursued, a little, and I couldn't regret it less, and I want people to find the same happiness I've found. But of course if these INFP really don't want a relationship with you, not because they're scared of committing to you but because they just don't, I trust you will understand it and eventually drop it !

I'll probably open up a thread about it...Don't want to clutter OP's thread with my own INFP dilemmas, but he can read me well. He knows I feel intensely for him w/o me being explicit. I'm trying hard not to pressure him, because I know it takes him longer to decide. I left it open for him to pursue me...I'll probably ask him out casually at some point. We've both expressed being terrified by it all because it feels so different.

[wotsamattaU]

I think it is important in such situations to do two things after stating your case:

• back off (give space for the INFP to process)
  
• repeated exposure (do not disappear - stay in the game)

That sounds quite contradictory, but it is key to moving things along.

If you have already had 'the talk' about where you stand, allow them the requested time off.

It is equally important to touch base from time to time. These interactions help 'gel' all these various facets about you into one cohesive. Those who have a resistance up will find it slipping as time goes by. One day they will not be able to escape the truth of the matter. It will be time for them to accept the risk of getting hurt or not.

In their mind this risk is exceedingly high due to the connection. They have to get to the point of realizing the risk is nothing when compaired to what can be gained. Your task will be in helping them come to that conclusion.