[elsdfr]

So, like others no doubt, I spent most of my 20's in a blissful world of not really caring or knowing what others thought of me. But over the last few years that has changed (unfortunately), but there are a few issues. Perhaps I grew up but I think it's more to do with me getting out of my old ways and expanding my horizons a bit. Here is my story.

So yes. It's almost glaringly obvious that some of those I knew and still know from all those years ago are still very defensive, almost hostile sometimes when they know I'm going to open my mouth. I could (in the past) be very harsh in some respects but I have changed and I don't think some people are willing to see that. I know it takes time but I have been nicer over the past three years or so.

Problem is I have known the people I still call good friends for a long time. One or two of them will go out of their way to talk over me or attempt to ignore and discredit me in anyway. Problem is I have lost the will to 'fight' and I'm not sure how to tell them this. In a vain attempt I tried to distance myself for most of them but I still see them and while most of them are fairly comfortable with me some of them still harbor resentment. Sometimes I feel like asking them to air it out. In fact one night I did, I'd actually left a friends place because this one person was being so rude and abrasive towards me. I said to him we hadn't spoken for ages and out and out told him I thought he was being rude and asked him to tell me what his issue with me was. He said he had none so I told him what I really thought. I think I was right but he was taken back because i guess that's how we've always been towards each other or perhaps just the way he is. Anyway just small example there but in other situations I can almost sense situations like I never could before, like I know when someone doesn't like me. Understanding someones motives or feelings and being able to back off etc. when before I rarely would. Even people I meet through work I think I can tell those who don't. Not that its a major issue but is this kind of what its like for Sensors?

So yeah, long winded and all but how long can I expect the people that have known me for more that 13 years to realise they can back off a bit and that I'm perhaps not the way I once was. I'm quite confused also as my mode of 'understanding' can be hot and cold which no doubt confuses others as well. Should I just tell the people who seem to have an issue to tell me what the hell I can do or change that or do I just have to weather it out a bit. After writing this I'm thinking it's the latter. It's rather frustrating though as it seem a childish drama but its so difficult to change their underlying idea of me... maybe never.

/whinge.

Any tips? I am being nice towards them (one or two people that still seem to have an issue) but they are not being the same way back. Its also more annoying because why the hell do I have to start being this way, caring etc . meh. Avoidance has so far not worked!

[ctiquila]

Definitely the latter. It took about 3 years of letting the verbal abuse roll over me and not getting angry to get some of my family to see that I've changed. I still have to deal with the pre-emptive insults, but when you say nothing in return, the other person begins to feel foolish. There have been instances when that person keeps trying to get a rise out if me, but I take the opportunity to walk away, and talk to someone else.

Depending on the relationship, you can ask them wtf, and hopefully they'll be willing to talk. Apology always helps. You could go that route.

[elsdfr]

Yes well they are my old drinking buddies and I rarely drink like that anymore so it might be half the issue.

It can be quite rewarding when you are nice!

[Sumwun]

I'm in the exact opposite situation as you.

Everyone around me loves me, including my family, but there are certain people I absolutely despise, especially in my family. I would love nothing more than to move far away and write them off as no longer existing.

However, I realized very young that in order to get anywhere in life, you have to make people like you, so I pretend to be a typical ESFP type of guy in groups, but secretly it kills me on the inside. Still, I've gained a lot from my relationships. I think the main part of making people like you is how honest you are.

If you constantly lie to flatter others, people adore you.
If you give advice in an effort to get them to change (and improve themselves), they hate you.

Even if it's out of genuine love for the person, even if you're just looking out for them. Go to your buddy and say "I don't think your abusive girlfriend is right for you", you'll be met with "You can't tell me how to live my life!" and you just lost one "friend", as well as any connections you had through him. But go to him and say "You've got a great girlfriend; good luck to the both of you" and he recommends you for a job next week. It's funny the way people work.

I think you've realized that people hate you because you've been too honest, and frankly, because you care about them too much. The key is to pretend you support everyone's decisions. Be the spotlight man. Politicians figured this out a long time ago. You don't help people to make them like you. You just tell them they're perfect. Then you can use them any way you want.

If I could give you some advice, it'd be to not get too attached to people. It's just as important that people love you as it is that you don't love them.

	Originally Posted by Athalie
	One lesson I learnt was controlling my own emotions. Never getting angry or worked up just staying calm. Responding to hostility in a calm, amicable,reasoned manner will immediately make the other person feel immature (and you look more mature in their eyes).

I agree with the first part of this completely. Controlling your own emotions is absolutely vital when it comes to interpersonal relationship skills.

However, never talk to people too reasonably (unless they're a fellow knowledge seeker and can handle criticism). Remember, if you make a person feel like you tried to dominate them intellectually, they won't be likely to recommend you for a job interview next month.

Never make enemies or alienate people. Try to make people think they have everything in common with you. You don't want to be known as the genius. That carries a lot of problems with it, and a lot of hate. I think it's human nature to hate the smart group of people, judging from what I've seen in daily life. Be "average". Don't be the dumb guy, but absolutely don't be the smart guy, except in a group of other smart people. My advice applies only to most average people. There are different rules for different groups of people. Adjust your interactions accordingly.

[Athalie]

Have you tried 'typing' your friends? If you consider each one and recall some of your previous conversations with each, can you identify how they've reacted to your comments towards them and why? I'd say the key is first understanding each one, and working out how they may feel towards you - some are going to be more forgiving than others.

I noticed your attitude seems quite confrontational - you talk about 'fighting' them in conversations. have you tried asking them questions about their lives, getting to know them - however unnatural it may feel to you? This should convey that you care to know them and take an interest which would hopefully make them warm to you.

One lesson I learnt was controlling my own emotions. Never getting angry or worked up just staying calm. Responding to hostility in a calm, amicable,reasoned manner will immediately make the other person feel immature (and you look more mature in their eyes).

If all that fails, I'd speak to them one to one. Be prepared to apologise (maybe pick a time when you know you wound them up - just one e.g. will do to get them to warm to you). If they deny any tension between the two of you, try letting the conversation go - change the topic - and see how things pan out. They may feel too awkward to talk about it but will appreciate you noticing - which would hopefully be enough to give you another chance.

Good luck!

[elsdfr]

Well the two I have issues with are ENTJs. They are not major issues and we are not fighting as such its just things between us have changed and while we are 'friends' I think there is some sort of social hierarchy thing they think is still worth playing and they like to push it where they can. Their life has changed a lot too and due to work and their families I guess they are a lot more stressed these days. But they are just an example of some thing I've noticed I'm able to see in people a lot more clearly these last few years. Perhaps I was mildly autistic ? who knows.

I have tried being nice in a way that I think I am being civil and social towards them but the questions only seem to provoke them. Like I say they both have family issues and stressful jobs so perhaps they resent me for it as it probably seems to them like I don't have major life issues..

Oh I don't get angry and I'm fairly passive and calm generally.

To be honest I wouldn't care if the two of them dropped off the planet tomorrow. Thats about as much respect I have for both of them. Perhaps they can sense this? I don't think I show that but unfortunately they are around others I know well so maybe I'll just have to put up with it.

Cheers for the advice.

[Doggzilla]

This sounds so much like my life. I act just like this.

It just popped into my head that it must be awfully confusing to people who usually see us being very know-it-all. What are they to think about someone who knows everything asking them to clarify? If someone did that to me, the last thing I would think was they were honestly trying to ask me for advice.

[ctiquila]

Being more approachable is far better than just being a know-it-all.

I used to cut people off before they finished speaking b/c I already knew the answer to their problem. But instead of them being grateful that I could help, they were turned off by what they considered a superiority complex and my abrupt answers made them feel like I was patronizing them.
Now I ask questions to get clarification (puts them at ease) so they feel like I'm listening intently even tho I've already reached my conclusion. Makes my advice easier to swallow. It also helps to phrase your sentences in such a way that they feel like you care.

None of my friends really know what my type is cuz I don't act it. I've learned to look and act like I'm like everyone else. I know who i really am: an INTJ. Who else could pull this off?

[TheStranger]

	I agree with the first part of this completely. Controlling your own emotions is absolutely vital when it comes to interpersonal relationship skills.

This might seem like basic knowledge, but this can't be over-stated. Especially for the socially weak. Being highly favored in social situations depends upon a person's ability to avoid being offensive (at least to the person they are attempting to befriend), skirt around potentially sensitive conversational topics, not letting your emotional sensitivities show (if you have them), and at the very least having a veneer of confidence.

[elsdfr]

My emotions and a lack of confidence? It's neither I would think.

Besides this topic is dead, the two people involved have in fact dropped off the planet for all I'm concerned. Hopefully they manage to grow up before it's too late. Can't make everyone happy, carry on.

[Dryer]

I used to go through friends like crazy, I also push people away with my need to encourage people to change themselves for the better. I pushed my last girlfriend away because she ate nothing but sugar, dairy, and meat (in that order) and I couldn't watch her do that to herself. One day she told me something like "I don't want your stupid advice I just want my headache to go away." Honestly I don't think I've missed her more than once since we broke up.

Anyway, I've settled on a close group of 3 friends who are all intj/infp types, and I'd say that it's better to keep cycling through acquaintances until you find people who you actually like and who like you back, rather than forcing yourself to act like someone you're not.

[MJ4LYFE]

Originally Posted by elsdfr To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

So, like others no doubt, I spent most of my 20's in a blissful world of not really caring or knowing what others thought of me. But over the last few years that has changed (unfortunately), but there are a few issues. Perhaps I grew up but I think it's more to do with me getting out of my old ways and expanding my horizons a bit. Here is my story. So yes. It's almost glaringly obvious that some of those I knew and still know from all those years ago are still very defensive, almost hostile sometimes when they know I'm going to open my mouth. I could (in the past) be very harsh in some respects but I have changed and I don't think some people are willing to see that. I know it takes time but I have been nicer over the past three years or so. Problem is I have known the people I still call good friends for a long time. One or two of them will go out of their way to talk over me or attempt to ignore and discredit me in anyway. Problem is I have lost the will to 'fight' and I'm not sure how to tell them this. In a vain attempt I tried to distance myself for most of them but I still see them and while most of them are fairly comfortable with me some of them still harbor resentment. Sometimes I feel like asking them to air it out. In fact one night I did, I'd actually left a friends place because this one person was being so rude and abrasive towards me. I said to him we hadn't spoken for ages and out and out told him I thought he was being rude and asked him to tell me what his issue with me was. He said he had none so I told him what I really thought. I think I was right but he was taken back because i guess that's how we've always been towards each other or perhaps just the way he is. Anyway just small example there but in other situations I can almost sense situations like I never could before, like I know when someone doesn't like me. Understanding someones motives or feelings and being able to back off etc. when before I rarely would. Even people I meet through work I think I can tell those who don't. Not that its a major issue but is this kind of what its like for Sensors? So yeah, long winded and all but how long can I expect the people that have known me for more that 13 years to realise they can back off a bit and that I'm perhaps not the way I once was. I'm quite confused also as my mode of 'understanding' can be hot and cold which no doubt confuses others as well. Should I just tell the people who seem to have an issue to tell me what the hell I can do or change that or do I just have to weather it out a bit. After writing this I'm thinking it's the latter. It's rather frustrating though as it seem a childish drama but its so difficult to change their underlying idea of me... maybe never. /whinge. Any tips? I am being nice towards them (one or two people that still seem to have an issue) but they are not being the same way back. Its also more annoying because why the hell do I have to start being this way, caring etc . meh. Avoidance has so far not worked!

I have experience the same thing, and that plays a role in the reason why I have very few friends...people like that are not friends so why do you refer to them as such?

Also, I receive behavior similar to this I have never talked to, no interaction whatsoever, so whatever issues they have with me are actually issues within themselves that they need to work out. I see no reason to alter and change myself to benefit them and have to deal with being treated like shit by people I don't give a fuck about. Carry on please!

[NonNT9]

I'm okay with a minority of people disliking me, so long as they keep their mouths shut. When they start criticising me openly, I would tear their face apart with my words. No-one on Earth could win an angry verbal contest with me, which is probably the main reason for it never happening outside my own family. I am not a manipulator, and I am not a nasty person, but once I believe I'm right, I will defend myself until the end of the 21st century.

It's okay if some people don't like you -- even the most popular people in society, like my sister, have people that don't like them. 'A friend of everyone is a true friend of nobody'.