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Would you date an INTJ? compatibility, dating
Old 01-13-2012, 09:47 AM   #1
GSOgymrat
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Based on the MBTI profile would you want to date an INTJ? They are not suppose to be very adept at relationships and are described as cold and reserved. When I read the profile it doesn't sound fun or sexy. Being "the most independent of all personality types" implies they are not going to be attentive to my needs or nurturing. Plus who want to look at the fabled "INTJ death stare" all the time?

If I was presented with a selection of people to date based solely on MBTI profiles I would not choose an INTJ.
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Old 01-13-2012, 09:59 AM   #2
Seablue
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Based on the MBTI profile, I don't know, it would be pretty much saying I want to date myself wouldn't it ?

Based on real people, I've met two self-typed INTJs and while I'm not going to date them (older, one is married, the other is a straight female, etc), I do think they have attractive personalities and would consider dating them if the circumstances were different. There's also been a girl I was in love with whom I think was possibly INTJ.

Independent doesn't mean they are not going to be caring. To me it means that they need to feel they could live without you, and you could live without them, but that you mutually decided that life is better together.

Reserved can be a problem but it doesn't necessarily go as far as "coldness" when you are intimate with them. And it can also be a problem to date people who are not reserved enough.
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:01 AM   #3
changos
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I would.

We Intjs are very intense. We seek understanding and the possibilities are inmense once you share your life with someone who really wants to understand you. Per example, there are many types who are nurturing, caring, etc, but mostly as a reflex, or because "what they feel", not because what YOU are feeling. If you are having a problem or need support, does that count? (from them) a reflex? a learned response? an attitude that seems nice but has no foundations because they just don't get what you are feeling???

I guess it depends on the kind of intjs we are or the ones we get to know. INTJS grow and seek to better ourselves, but there are many who believe are intj (but are not) or have similar traits and feel the intj letters to be an answer to their questions. That's something else.

See, a classic trait of an intj would be to ask, research (in many ways) and IF you don't get it right the first time, the second one you would have work in advance. On a relationship per example, if doing A goes wrong, next time you will try B, and so on, and if nothing works you will ask "what's happening, I can't seem to find out what's the best approach", we adapt (reaaaaaally). Any wife with a healthy intj will tell you that, even about gifts, we learn, and sometimes we give crappy gifts just to remind the other one "is not about the gifts" or as an indicator of something gone wrong.

I've been able to win the heart of many friends and Gfs because I seek and achieve understanding of what they are, feel and want. But it hurts that I don't find someone able to do this, even when explained.

Perhaps some of us have it easier to read our SO's, perhaps you develop that ability as you get older, I don't know. But really (here at the forum I doubt it, I've read enough) but I've come across other intjs on other forums and real life... once someone has a love relationship with an intj, their world changes, it also changes the references on how they measure other people.

Complicated.


Remember, many descriptions say: you love them or hate them, there is no other option.
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:03 AM   #4
Tentaki
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I not only dated but married an INTJ.

It all depends on the person though. Some INTJ's - just like other types - can be insufferable assholes. Others are remarkably balanced, caring and wonderful companions. I don't let things like personality type hang me up when I'm choosing my friends.
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:14 AM   #5
Fishism
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I would totally date the female version of myself. Honesty, loyalty, intensity, passion, independence, commitment, an ability to detach and see a bigger picture, are all qualities of the INTJ that I would find appealing in a mate. I would prefer a little "coldness" over exaggerated emotion and overanalysis is much better than underanalysis and haste.

Even here on the INTJ forum, I can see (or maybe it's confirmation bias *shrug*) a difference in the posts from the INTJ females and......the others. I simply find that the ExFx types just can't help but make everything about them and lack objectivity.
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Old 01-13-2012, 10:30 AM   #6
changos
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  Originally Posted by Fishism
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[...]...types just can't help but make everything about them and lack objectivity.

It happens... twisting around the conversation, or putting words in your mouth "you said black right?, -NO-, ok you said white but you mean black right?" Mmmmm.... A comes to B with a problem, "you know I suffer"... and B comes with a story of how she-he suffers more... that's not understanding. I call this "hijacking attention" (and sure, it happens a lot around here), the thing is, when A has a problem, you should hear, understand and talk about A, not B... I don't think someone can come with the best attitude just as a reflex most of times. First you have to listen, understand, then talk, if not, just ask.

INTJ (healthy of course), diff matter, will ask: but how? why? what happened then? and before???


I value and seek mutual understanding. It made miracles on every relationship I've been. Independence? sometimes people suffer because they can't feel they mean so much to you as you for them, but that's something with many solutions, specially good communication.



Mutual understanding....
What happens when someone dates X person for a long time, even gets married, and then after several years finds out many things he-she never thought possible about this person? (things that always been there) that's a total lack of mutual understanding. Many will reach the end of their marriage WITH A STRANGER. That's sad. There are little things as painful as crying the death of your loved one, but crying the death of a stranger???... wow... that's triple sad. I've talk about this with many friends older than me, some smile, some freak out.

You know like someone asking you to dance and your partner saying "ha, he doesn't likes to dance" and you stand up and dance.... ha. Don't know? or don't want to see? I found a movie years ago describing exactly this scenario, if anyone cares to see it, here it is:
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Old 01-13-2012, 11:31 AM   #7
sevans
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Yes, a million times yes, I would date an INTJ
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:08 PM   #8
GSOgymrat
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I've never known anyone in person who tested INTJ. As far as dating myself, I would probably go out with myself and then realize it wasn't going anywhere. That is what has happened when I have dated other introverted people. When I look back at all the people with whom I have had a serious relationship they have all been extroverted people who are very social, dynamic, wear their heart on their sleeve and love to be the center of the conversation.

The one thing I do like about the INTJ profile is self-confidence. Self-confidence (not arrogance) is a turn on. Also independence implies they are not needy, which is a big plus. Needy and insecure is a bad combination for me.
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:36 PM   #9
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I would prefer to date an INTJ!
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:38 PM   #10
Dancingqueen
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I would date an INTJ (if I wasn't already happily married). Once they let you into their hearts, the loyalty and depth of feeling is astonishing. They would be able to understand my need to connect the threads and find meaning in everything. My only concern would be the two J's conflicting/who'd get to make the decisions?
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:51 PM   #11
MyotisLucifugus
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I have before, and I'd happily do it again.
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:54 PM   #12
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Likely not. I've had the chance before, but we were too similar. It felt like I was around my sister or something, and as much as ENFs can drive me crazy at times, I somehow can't resist them.

If I could somehow step out of the realm of possibility, though, and examine the scenario as if I weren't an INTJ, then I might or might not still. It would very much depend upon the individual. Some INTJs are positive examples of INTJs and some, well, suck.
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:04 PM   #13
Shahira
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Yeaaah, never have I would LOVE to. I just find most FASCINATING! I have one INTJ friend but she's a woman and I'm straight...
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Old 01-13-2012, 01:51 PM   #14
jmiz06
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ehhh.... i COULD do it, but it's not my first choice.

I actually know a few real life female INTJ's, i think we naturally gravitate towards each other. However, I'm only somewhat attracted to them (whereas the ExFxs bring out the generally dormant side of me), and I think it'd become more like a efficient business arrangement than a fulfilling and loving relationship. I agree with whoever said the J's would clash, that's how I think it would play.

But then again, I've never dated one, so I'm open-minded to the subject
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:01 PM   #15
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Just found out that my boyfriend of quite a few years is an INTJ, I thought ENTJ or maybe ENTP. Interesting. So, yes I would date an INTJ! I found that getting things started was really difficult, but after lots of hard work, we've got a pretty fabulous relationship.
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Old 01-13-2012, 02:49 PM   #16
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I would date an INTJ if I was attracted to her (because I am straight), she was attracted to me, there was compatibility, and we wanted to date.

I don't know of any other train of thought that makes sense. If I were to take a random sample of INTJs there are likely a portion that would make me melt, some wouldn't get a reaction, and some would repulse/be quite unfit. So, simply, it depends.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:03 PM   #17
spect
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have, but i think intp's are better sex... maybe its that detail or perfectionist thing.. or maybe intj's tend to critically judge your performance, like i need that kinda pressure... or maybe i havent a good enough sample size to make a quantitative judgment. yeah thats it, i need more test subjects
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:23 PM   #18
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I think - yes, if I were not already married, I would date an INTJ. It really depends upon how mature he is. If he is a navel staring self defeatist...like many younger INTJ males are - hell no. But if he is truly capable of understanding and adopting to systems...there is nothing we couldn't accomplish.
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:31 PM   #19
ischuldt
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I personally wouldn't because I would like some variety. I wouldn't want to date someone who was too much like myself. I've often said that I'm a problem solver which is why I seem to hang around with so many people that create them. It gives me something to do. If we were both in our heads too much it would probably get boring after awhile.

I think if I wasn't an intj myself though(depending on what I was) I would like to date one though. We're dependable, honest, willing to work towards making a better relationship. When we do talk we usually have interesting things to say, and interesting perspectives as well as a good sense of humor. We're extremely low maintenance. Usually fairly successful and confident....
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:45 PM   #20
castalia
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I seem to only be attracted to introverted, usually NT males, so INTJs and INTPs would be my best match. I have two close male INTJ friends. Alas, I do not find them physically attractive and they are both younger than me. We get along great otherwise though.
What I need is an older INTJ male who turns me on physically (doesn't have to be conventionally attractive).
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Old 01-13-2012, 06:59 PM   #21
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I would give it a try.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:32 PM   #22
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Yes, if I met one. The problem lies with statistics. Given the widely varying personalities of the sexes, I wouldn't be surprised if the ratio of male INTJs to female counterparts was 10:1. Or somewhere in that extreme.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:50 PM   #23
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Assuming all other things are equal and a djinn offered to play matchmaker for me, my preference would be 1-INFP, 2-INTP, 3-INFJ, 4-INTJ.

I put INTJ last because I'm concerned that our strengths would be redundant and our weakness would reinforce.

But no, I wouldn't decline to date a woman solely because she's INTJ.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:51 PM   #24
Causa Mortis
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I would not. This engine tends to overheat if I don't get a little nurturing energy at least a few times per week, so don't think I'll be dating any intjs anytime soon. All the disappointed forum users may blame my mother.
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Old 01-13-2012, 07:53 PM   #25
MichaelEmouse
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Taking myself as an example, once I get to know someone, become comfortable with them and see that we are emotionally and intellectually compatible*, I become more expressive and less INTJ-ish with them. I presume a lot of INTJs are the same. The early part of dating would be rough and awkward though.





* I said specifically said "compatible" which need not mean "the same".
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