family defiance

**ischuldt** · 01-12-2012, 08:14 AM

A good friend of mine and his wife live down in North Carolina. Her little sister though still goes to college back where they're from and were I'm from and currently reside. A few months back her and I fooled around a little bit. I called her back, but nothing really came of it. I guess she started seeing this complete shit bag shortly after that. Last week she randomly drunk dialed me after her and that asshole got in a fight. She came over to my place, but she pretty much passed right out nothing happened. I called her again a few days later and again nothing.

I was talking to her older sister about it and she's really worried about her. I guess everyone she's talked to about this guy she's seeing says he's nothing but bad news. Already divorced with a kid once. Allegedly has a history of abuse. He's like 33 she's like 23. Her whole family has basically tried to convince her to stay away from him, but that per standard issue only seems to make her want to rebel against them and drives her further into his arms.

Since her older sister lives in NC though she can't really do much about it though, and she seems to want me to kind of try and get her away from him by talking to her. To be honest I think she really wants me to hit on her and try and get her away from this guy.

I like the girl. Obviously she has some issues that I probably could help her with. I guess I'm really not sure where to go with this. Or how to go about it. Obviously trying to explain to her she's dating a shit bag doesn't work. Maybe I could out shit bag him and be even more of an arrogant prick.

I tend to think if you just leave it alone completely eventually she'll tire of him and move on, but given the guys history you fear her getting knocked up or him abusing her.

I'm just not sure how you get it through to a woman like this that she's being stupid without insulting her intelligence and making matters worse.

Yeah I'm rambling at this point, but.... thoughts?

**Polymath20** · 01-12-2012, 08:20 AM


	Obviously she has some issues that I probably could help her with.

No, she's got issues that she can lean on you when she needs. Issues that she needs to learn from. Issues that she has to address.


	Maybe I could out shit bag him and be even more of an arrogant prick.

Plant drugs on his house/car and call in an anonymous tip!

I have found that women who do this tend to continue doing it without understanding why or seeking a better man. That's just "their type" - the kind of dickhead that turns their crank. Your best bet is move on. You're far more concerned about her than she is for herself and that's not fair.

**ischuldt** · 01-12-2012, 08:28 AM

	Originally Posted by Polymath20 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No, she's got issues that she can lean on you when she needs. Issues that she needs to learn from. Issues that she has to address.

Yeah, in the times when I've gotten over some of my own issues it generally involves me hitting what I thought to be rock bottom before I learn. Unfortunately rock bottom for her could be something rather devastating.

I feel like at the very least there has to be a way to help her hit the bottom without it causing permanent damage some how.

	Originally Posted by Polymath20 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Plant drugs on his house/car and call in an anonymous tip!

something tells me I wouldn't need to plant them.

	Originally Posted by Polymath20 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have found that women who do this tend to continue doing it without understanding why or seeking a better man. That's just "their type" - the kind of dickhead that turns their crank. Your best bet is move on. You're far more concerned about her than she is for herself and that's not fair.

Yeah, all more than likely true statements. Although her last boyfriend wasn't too bad. They had a rough break up and I think that's partially what's leading to this behavior so I feel like maybe it's something she can actually be helped to get through.

**Polymath20** · 01-12-2012, 08:35 AM

23 is a little old for staying in this pattern. I think this may have to do with something like "I can't find a better man" or something like that. Her accepting this sort of treatment must have something to do with her self esteem.

Even if a nice guy were to woo her, the internal belief of "I'm not worthy" would make her shun him. Maybe even resent him. It's a self-fulfilling cycle.

**Asocialkat** · 01-13-2012, 03:08 PM

If she wasn't seeing this guy, would you actually want to date her? If the answer is no, then it's not your problem. It's a personal and family matter.

If you WOULD want to see her, then getting involved won't really help your case any. You'll just be another person standing in the way of her undying lurve
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
, and you'll be a casualty.

I'd just stay out of it if I were you.

**seekingclarity** · 01-16-2012, 08:18 PM

I think you should turn inward and try to figure out why it is that you are attracted to this woman and that you feel you can somehow save her from herself? That is the more important issue for you to focus on, as opposed to focusing on her issues...

**thesorehead** · 01-16-2012, 09:15 PM

I'm with Asocialkat and seekingclarity - it's practically impossible to save a person from themselves without physical restraints and/or drugs. By the look of things getting involved will not produce a positive outcome for anybody.

Introspect a bit - discovering your own motives is about the best you can hope for here. Use what you learn about yourself to better approach yourself and others in the future.

The world is chock-full of tragic situations like this. People have been doing nasty shit to themselves and each other since time immemorial.

**ischuldt** · 01-17-2012, 12:11 PM

I think it's false to say that people can't be saved from their own mistakes. Especially with someone like this. I really think she simply has a lot of self-esteem issues. Like if someone talks down to her she believes it and lets it manipulate her, but if someone tries to help her it makes her feel like that person is trying to manipulate her and it's really the other way around.

01-12-2012, 08:14 AM	#1
ischuldt Veteran Member [70%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 2,835	A good friend of mine and his wife live down in North Carolina. Her little sister though still goes to college back where they're from and were I'm from and currently reside. A few months back her and I fooled around a little bit. I called her back, but nothing really came of it. I guess she started seeing this complete shit bag shortly after that. Last week she randomly drunk dialed me after her and that asshole got in a fight. She came over to my place, but she pretty much passed right out nothing happened. I called her again a few days later and again nothing. I was talking to her older sister about it and she's really worried about her. I guess everyone she's talked to about this guy she's seeing says he's nothing but bad news. Already divorced with a kid once. Allegedly has a history of abuse. He's like 33 she's like 23. Her whole family has basically tried to convince her to stay away from him, but that per standard issue only seems to make her want to rebel against them and drives her further into his arms. Since her older sister lives in NC though she can't really do much about it though, and she seems to want me to kind of try and get her away from him by talking to her. To be honest I think she really wants me to hit on her and try and get her away from this guy. I like the girl. Obviously she has some issues that I probably could help her with. I guess I'm really not sure where to go with this. Or how to go about it. Obviously trying to explain to her she's dating a shit bag doesn't work. Maybe I could out shit bag him and be even more of an arrogant prick. I tend to think if you just leave it alone completely eventually she'll tire of him and move on, but given the guys history you fear her getting knocked up or him abusing her. I'm just not sure how you get it through to a woman like this that she's being stupid without insulting her intelligence and making matters worse. Yeah I'm rambling at this point, but.... thoughts?
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01-12-2012, 08:35 AM	#4
Polymath20 Core Member [412%] MBTI: ENTP Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 16,488	23 is a little old for staying in this pattern. I think this may have to do with something like "I can't find a better man" or something like that. Her accepting this sort of treatment must have something to do with her self esteem. Even if a nice guy were to woo her, the internal belief of "I'm not worthy" would make her shun him. Maybe even resent him. It's a self-fulfilling cycle.
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01-13-2012, 03:08 PM	#5
Asocialkat Member [16%] MBTI: INTx Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 647	If she wasn't seeing this guy, would you actually want to date her? If the answer is no, then it's not your problem. It's a personal and family matter. If you WOULD want to see her, then getting involved won't really help your case any. You'll just be another person standing in the way of her undying lurve To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , and you'll be a casualty. I'd just stay out of it if I were you.
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01-16-2012, 08:18 PM	#6
seekingclarity Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 132	I think you should turn inward and try to figure out why it is that you are attracted to this woman and that you feel you can somehow save her from herself? That is the more important issue for you to focus on, as opposed to focusing on her issues...
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01-16-2012, 09:15 PM	#7
thesorehead Member [20%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 835	I'm with Asocialkat and seekingclarity - it's practically impossible to save a person from themselves without physical restraints and/or drugs. By the look of things getting involved will not produce a positive outcome for anybody. Introspect a bit - discovering your own motives is about the best you can hope for here. Use what you learn about yourself to better approach yourself and others in the future. The world is chock-full of tragic situations like this. People have been doing nasty shit to themselves and each other since time immemorial.
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01-17-2012, 12:11 PM	#8
ischuldt Veteran Member [70%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 2,835	I think it's false to say that people can't be saved from their own mistakes. Especially with someone like this. I really think she simply has a lot of self-esteem issues. Like if someone talks down to her she believes it and lets it manipulate her, but if someone tries to help her it makes her feel like that person is trying to manipulate her and it's really the other way around.
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