[Lostfate]

Hey everyone

My names Alex, I'm 21 from England, I've always been kind of shy and reserved, I like to spend a lot of time on my own to gather my thoughts, and I'm constantly debating with the countless different voices inside my head until recently i thought i was kind of weird but then i did the test and found out theres a lot of other people like me INTJ's so I've come here to ask advice from others who are somewhat like me.

When i was in school i was a shy little emo kid, when i left school i ended up joining the British Army and i served for four years, the army made me come out of my shell and turned me into a confident lad and i felt like i could do anything, I traveled the world, did two tours of duty in Iraq and i felt like i was doing something with my life, anyway once i left i had to come back home to a life I'd long since forgotten, i had to adapt to civilian life, to say i found it hard would be an understatement, i hated it, i would always get angry and depressed and i turned to drugs and alcohol to help me cope.

Then i met a girl her name was kirsty, She turned my life around, made me happy again, when we first started seeing each other we both said it was just sex, no strings and for a while thats all it was, but then she started telling me that she really loved me and really cared about me and after a while i stared to feel the same, we were going great, i started to fall in love with her...then out of the blue one day she just seemed distant and eventually i found out she had cheated on me and had been for a while, I asked her about it then she just blanked me, blocked me on facebook, wouldn't answer my calls, Just cut me off .

Ever since then I've just felt so angry and depressed, I feel so much hatred towards her that its chipping away at my soul, I cant forget her, i try every night then next morning all i can think about is her and why she did this to me....or what i did wrong or what i said wrong, I don't have the strength to carry on and i just want to know if any of you INTJs have been in my position and if you have could you tell me if theres light at the end of the tunnel because at the minute i just can't see it.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my shitty problems as I'm sure you all have your own shit to deal with, but i need to talk to someone as I'm not very good at expressing my true feelings and emotions and maybe this is the place where you understand what i mean.

Thanks.

[blm9161]

Ok start with confronting her and remember what ever she says you did the best you could and you treated her with respect. You can not give another person that much power over your existence.

[garpo]

As blm said you gave your power away. The 'just sex' sets up naturally for attraction for someone who is reserved like yourself. Creates the mystery and hard to tame dynamic.Then when intimacy occurs that evaporates, the anticipation is better then the event. Live and learn. Check out some David Deangelo for guidance, he can be found on TPB.

[Fujimoto]

Sorry to hear about what happened. While it may not be much consolation, just know that what she did probably had nothing to do with you being INTJ, or even anything to do with you at all. Women and men have been cheating around on their partners since relationships were invented.

It's not going to be easy to do, but I suggest you just try to move on past what happened. She obviously doesn't want to talk to you or explain herself. I'm guessing that perhaps what happened in your case is that she did indeed start developing feelings for you, but once the rose-colored glasses came off, she had a WTF moment and started looking around for someone else behind your back. It sucks, I know. I've had that happen to me. One and a half years of my life gone. There's really not much you can do but shrug your shoulders and move on.

[Ater Dominus]

You should really make your writing less heavy.

You, friend should be thankful for your pain. Embrace your feelings and analyze the hell of them. See that one thing at the end? Oh, yes, fear. Don't try to take it away or it'll just win after all.

Once you have learnt enough from the process -which can take long if you are that desperate- proceed to close that chapter of your life forever. Move on and keep ensuring your survival through your knowledge of yourself and shit that happens around.

[submain]

Forget her. She cheated on you because she has no sense of morals or values other people's feelings. You seem to be a nice guy truly trying to seek your place in the world; she seems to only want to have fun.

Just think the opposite of what you are thinking now: you didn't do anything wrong for her to leave you. Instead, she is doing something wrong with her life and doesn't deserve a guy like you.

[Haumea]

	but then she started telling me that she really loved me and really cared about me and after a while i stared to feel the same, we were going great, i started to fall in love with her...then out of the blue one day she just seemed distant

You may want to elaborate a bit on your behavior once you started "falling in love."

You may have gotten too mushy and uxorious and basically killed whatever attraction she had for you in the first place. That would be my first guess.

I mean, Iraq made you into a man; it probably gave you a rugged attractiveness that you took home... and possibly allowed to deteriorate. You have got to reconnect with that and find a way to maintain it.

[titi monkey]

Something like what Ate Dominos said. This is less about her and more about you. She had her reasons, but I doubt any of them were to purposely hurt you. You'll be better off later if you're able to endure now.

I know the pain of which you speak. I was a hurt little puppy for a long time, but I eventually recovered -- and so will you.

Focus on what you're feeling: how it affects you, how it drags you down, how it makes you feel small or used or unworthy in some way. They're just feelings (emotions) and that's what they do -- it's natural! Don't feel like you have to change because of it, or that you have to harden yourself so that it doesn't happen again, because then you will have squandered an opportunity for some growth and maturity in the area of relationships. The truth is, everyone gets hurt at some time; it's how we deal with it that is our measure.

So soldier up. Remove her power over you by taking it back into yourself, and I believe you will be a better person because of it. Hope that helps.

[Torka]

Give drugs and alcohol another try. God hates quiters...
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[XFire35]

(This may sound a bit silly, but it works for people)

Try writing what you would say to her in a long letter; if it gets delivered or not, it doesn't matter, it might give you enough closure to be able to move forward.

Why didn't you extend you time in the army if you enjoyed it so much?

If you're finding it difficult, then you can have counselling sessions provided on the NHS and surely the army or some other charity/organisation provides support in various ways for servicemen and women leaving; you could see if they could help you -- it's related to you leaving.

Have you tried working with a charity that's orientated abroad? Depending on what you did in the army, your skills could be invaluable to the UN or Red Cross and there are many others like the VSO for example; all of these may be able to get you abroad and doing stuff which may give you meaning back.

Do you have any friends around you or even a support network? Do you keep in contact with the people back in the army? Perhaps if you tried reaching out to people it might make you feel better; if not, try joining something - volunteer or not (what about Cadets - is that volunteer or is it run by active service people?)

It'd probably be best if you moved away from alcohol and drugs; if you're feeling down or depressed, a better diet coupled with a lot of exercise (perhaps you could channel your anger through into hard exercise) could improve things.

I think one of the best things for you to do is to find 'you' or your 'inner strength' - what makes you, you. You may have seen some horrible things in Iraq, but you got through it - how did you do that, try and tap into that again. You need to find that source of confidence that the army gave you - you maybe able to find it through introspection, or by doing something else which helps you realise it.

[Popsimath]

Lot of good advise here.
I remember getting dumped a couple of times. Pure HELL!
The Army developed you for their purposes and maybe didn't prepare you well enough for civilian life. One thing I am certain of my friend, Drugs and Alcohol will just make things worse. The army probably taught you some self respect. I think you deserve it and should try to remember that. People make mistakes. She may very well regret what she did at some point but you need to move on. If you can, I'm sure you will find someone even greater and the times you think of her will get further and further apart.

[Terennnash]

For INTJ's, in the rare instance's you're willing to open up to a person, to let them into your world, losing them can be all the more painful.

Do not feel bad for this. It is only a remind of how not alone you truly are.
It's as much a part, and will continue to be a part for the rest of your life, you as breathing.

Only one person ever pierced my armor, and it was from the start. We had our ups and downs.
And a year off from each other where we were never going to talk again. We always come back to each other, one way or another.

She's my best friend. To others, our relationship makes little sense, and so does the rest of my life.

And it is my growing hypothesis that INTJ's have feelings, more complex, more powerful, than the norm. It is because of this we turn to logic, it offers us some form of serenity, peace.

and i did steal that last bit from star trek(2011) when Spock's father is speaking to him after he lost control as a child. It doesnt make it any less true for us.

[Heathen]

I'll give you the straight answer to be blunt with you, Sir.

Based on my experiences, which are plentiful..
There is light at the end of the tunnel. But this is a very long agonizing tunnel.

Might want to take into consideration that turning to drugs and alcohol only makes the tunnel longer. Better to know, than not to.

Another consideration that should be had..
Who signs themselves up for impulsive behavior? (sex in your case)

I can answer that. People who aren't assuming well control of themselfs.

Are people who cannot control themselves truely suited for a committment?

I think you can answer that one, my friend. The outcome was highly predictable.

[Silent Bob]

Hey dude. Sorry that happened to you. I've had a similar situation, except in my case, she was cheating on her boyfriend with me while I was unaware of her having a boyfriend. Of course, looking back on it, I should have seen a few of the signs, but we're all human and sometimes emotions block our logic. At least you didn't get an awkward drunk phone call from her "boyfriend". Besides, as mentioned above in multiple posts, if she can't appreciate you, she doesn't deserve you.

Anyway, while the pain of the situation is great, that will dissipate with time. I give this advice to all my male friends..."When you feel depressed over a relationship, get drunk, yell, punch a wall (preferably one that won't break your fist), and move on with your life." Don't runaway from your emotions, you have to deal with them. However, don't beat yourself up for feeling sad.

Try to focus on the things that changed in "you" for the better during the time and keep those things going. Don't spend so much time on what she "added" to your life. You said yourself that "she turned your life around." While I'm sure it feels like that, at the end of the day it was "your choices" and "your decision" to turn your life around. Don't forget that and keep it in mind as you move into the future. You'll get through the pain and you'll be a better person for it if you can glean a few life lessons in the process. Keep your head up.

Peace Out.

[thesorehead]

Hey OP, sorry to hear about all that. I know it takes a while to get over something like that, so best of luck with it.

I've had my fair share of hating the world, or being angry with myself or a given person. For a long time I struggled with emotions I did not want to have, and occasionally I feel myself sliding into those patterns.

Whenever I feel that I have in my mind a stock of moments from the things I've done, seen, read and heard, which I use to give myself some perspective. They are personal emotional hooks that I can use to cleanse my emotional palate, ranging from euphoria to tragedy. I let them wash over me and they remind me that emotions are useful and they can be beautiful.

Welcome to the INTJf, Lostfate. You're in good company!

[Abzlute]

From what little I know about your situation, I wouldn't have left the army...or at least I would go back. The army was the high point of your life apparently, why leave it and be left stranded? Iraq is over (for the U.S. at least, I would think the British probably already left as it was mainly our war) and the state of war in the world is relatively stagnant...so you will be at various world bases but probably not putting your life on the line so much. If you simply enjoy your new career much more, then concentrate on that and the issue with relationships can take the back burner. Don't let some unfaithful coward of a girl get to you.

[Samoan Corleone]

	Originally Posted by XFire35 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	(This may sound a bit silly, but it works for people) Try writing what you would say to her in a long letter; if it gets delivered or not, it doesn't matter, it might give you enough closure to be able to move forward.

I agree. Writing a letter can be very cathartic. It'll allow you to articulate everything you're feeling. If you leave it in her letterbox blank, or if you send her an email through another account (one she hasn't blocked), she'd probably be more likely to read it. Whether or not she replies, you'll know she knows how you feel.

And do what you can to get off the drugs and excessive alcohol.

[titi monkey]

I think Lostfate is gone.

[Lostfate]

I've been lost in my own head as i'm sure most of you understand, thanks for all you're advice it's been very helpful.
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[titi monkey]

Have you made your peace with Kirsty?

[Nikonman]

Sorry for what you are experiencing. You need to try to change how you look at the situation. View it as your gain, that she was not the person you thought you were falling for, and she eventually showed her true colors. Anytime you start to think of it was what "she did to me" you need to pinch yourself and stop those thoughts. And take back a bit of power by blocking her, deleting her phone number, throwing away stuff that reminds you of her. As part of taking back some power, I'd consider sending her a box of anything she gave to you and include a note that says she can keep it or throw it away, her choice, but you want nothing to do with the stuff.

Your perspective is key. If you view this as saving you from years of investment in a relationship with someone who wasn't the person she pretended to be, then it can be a positive. If you view it as "what she did to me" then you'll struggle to get over it.

[Zsych]

She probably blocked you to avoid being hurt by whatever you would've said to her. Sometimes this isn't out of ill intent. You find something new you want and go after it (not thinking it through), and then you're in an unexpected position... and if you think someone you care about is going to be hurt and hurt you back, you emotionally pull away first so as not to be affected as much.

Anyway, I suggest imagining all that you would like to say or do to her in your mind, in detail. Maybe write it down, and then let it go.

Practically, if you want to get back at her... a better revenge is to find a new relationship and come to be happier and more fulfilled than she is. And that will require becoming more positive yourself, so you can work towards that state where you are definitely the person that is happier with their life and choices.

[BuShinJu]

For the recurring annoying thoughts you can look into ACT which stands for acceptance and commitment therapy and the sports offshoot which is MAP, mindfullness and acceptance practice.

They both suggest that you pick out some things that you value, say talking to friends, engaging in your hobby, eating well and exercising. When the unwanted thoughts arise you become mindfull of the thoughts, "here is that thought again, hello, fine", and you try to accept them without getting involved with them. Then you remember your values, "right, there is nothing I can do about that thought right now, I will just accept it for the moment, this is what I think is worthwhile doing, I will do that regardless of how I feel".

You may immediatly feel that the thoughts have less control over you, that they are weaker and more transient. Just watch out for further down the track because they will most likely pop back up again stronger, but just say hello to them again and get on with what you value most.

[pnxth]

When getting over a relationship, there are some things to remember. First if you focus on the things you hated about her, you will only be individualizing her. The same goes for the things you loved about her. Individualizing an ex is bad, because you're telling yourself that that person is one of a kind and you will never find someone like them.

Instead of focusing on individualistic traits, think of all the women out there that have the same traits she had. She have a banging bod? Lots of women have banging bods... She have an amazing laugh? So do lots of other women. She have blonde hair? So do lots of other women. She able to talk about deep and abstract things with you? So can a lot of other women.

You are only 21, life has it's ups and downs for everyone. Just like a stock goes up and down, so does life. You are on a downwards spiral, so figure out how to get your stock back up. If you do nothing, your stock will stay tanked, adapt to market conditions.