Friendship: What Should I Do?

**Aleph** · 11-20-2011, 12:04 PM

Not a question about love, but about friendship.

A good and close friend of mine quit her company three weeks ago, and she decided to go freelance. Having been a freelance myself for some years now, she contacted me to know if I could recommend her to one of my clients, what I did. This client is at a high level in a prestigious company, so there are really good chances that I can get her something interesting. I follow it up regularly with my client, to see if there could be opportunities for her in the short term.

Now, she also contacted an employee of my client, employee she happen to know professionally with the same request she presented to me. I found this a bit disappointing, but after all, why not?

What bothers me is that, asking her if she would enjoy going to lunch with me one of these days, she was a bit elusive, telling me that her agenda of lunches was booked - when she first contacted me, she couldn't even give me a date, and a few days ago, she proposed me a lunch in three weeks, which is kind of far way, telling me she had a lot of people to see and lunch with. She even proposed me to have a coffee instead.

I must admit I don't know how to feel. I should add that once, I asked her to recommend me professionally, being at that time in an uneasy situation, which she promised me she would do, but actually, I don't think she did it.

At the same time, she always seemed to me a reliable person, with principles and values - and she makes a point of honor of these qualities.

My first movement would be to cool down all links with her, because I'm feeling that she's using me but that, in contrast to what she says, she doesn't really care for me, or that she considers me as being someone of secondary importance compared to other people, whom she gives the priority. But I must be careful with my reactions, as I tend to easily feel rejected or disparaged by the behaviors of others.

What would you do in the same situation?

**PlungingHornets** · 11-20-2011, 12:16 PM

Give her space while she sorts her new life out?

**Kristeen** · 11-20-2011, 12:33 PM

I believe in the same situation, I would try to look at things from her point of view, which is that she probably really needs to hustle right now, to make ends meet.

She is offering you some time, albeit 3 weeks away, she could have said "You know what, I don't think I can really commit to anything, right now."

If your general impression of her is positive, I wouldn't place too much weight on what she is doing right now, amidst this period of transition.

Be careful that you are not taking things too personally, when it is likely she is filled with anxiety about making this choice of hers work out.

I think you know what I'm getting at, and can stand back a while and observe, while she gets settled and in the meantime, concentrate on your other friendships.

**MrFox** · 11-21-2011, 07:19 AM

Not so quick, young man. I don't like this lady. If you're doing her a genuine service by generating business for her, then she makes time for you - simple as that. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to be trying to avoid you - she offered to meet but you refused because it wasn't lunch. Do I have that right?

What's magic about lunch? Is it plausible that she needs lunch meetings to generate business for herself? What have you got against coffee?

**Warrior** · 11-21-2011, 07:36 AM

My lunch schedule is fairly open. How about you buy me lunch and we'll talk about this!
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I wouldn't be immediately alarmed that she can't fit you in for lunch. Maybe her schedule is full. It is a time of year where people are rushing to get in those kinds of things before holiday vacations start to kick in. She did offer to meet with you, just not over lunch, so it doesn't sound like she is trying to avoid you. Is there something special about lunch that you need to meet then instead of over coffee as she suggested?

**MrFox** · 11-21-2011, 08:28 AM

	Originally Posted by Warrior To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My lunch schedule is fairly open. How about you buy me lunch and we'll talk about this! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

No, after much bloodshed on another thread we already established that whoever issues the invitation has to pay.

**JTG** · 11-22-2011, 04:51 AM

Coffee dates are cozy and intimate. I don't see the problem with doing that instead

**sunlover** · 11-22-2011, 11:13 AM

Originally Posted by Aleph
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Not a question about love, but about friendship.

A good and close friend of mine quit her company three weeks ago, and she decided to go freelance. Having been a freelance myself for some years now, she contacted me to know if I could recommend her to one of my clients, what I did. This client is at a high level in a prestigious company, so there are really good chances that I can get her something interesting. I follow it up regularly with my client, to see if there could be opportunities for her in the short term.

Now, she also contacted an employee of my client, employee she happen to know professionally with the same request she presented to me. I found this a bit disappointing, but after all, why not?

What bothers me is that, asking her if she would enjoy going to lunch with me one of these days, she was a bit elusive, telling me that her agenda of lunches was booked - when she first contacted me, she couldn't even give me a date, and a few days ago, she proposed me a lunch in three weeks, which is kind of far way, telling me she had a lot of people to see and lunch with. She even proposed me to have a coffee instead.

I must admit I don't know how to feel. I should add that once, I asked her to recommend me professionally, being at that time in an uneasy situation, which she promised me she would do, but actually, I don't think she did it.

At the same time, she always seemed to me a reliable person, with principles and values - and she makes a point of honor of these qualities.

My first movement would be to cool down all links with her, because I'm feeling that she's using me but that, in contrast to what she says, she doesn't really care for me, or that she considers me as being someone of secondary importance compared to other people, whom she gives the priority. But I must be careful with my reactions, as I tend to easily feel rejected or disparaged by the behaviors of others.

What would you do in the same situation?

Hmmm.....not sure if it'll help but you may be dealing with an entp..........If correct, I'd need to figure out if I'm just one of faceless many they can "utilize" to their advantage, or is she truly a friend? If she's kept contact (they do the contacting) for an extended time period, then she probably does consider you a friend in which case they have good intentions and don't concern yourself with getting a firm "commitment". She'll eventually reciprocate.

**Dru** · 11-22-2011, 11:19 AM

i'd give her space and get on with my own life. either she's busy with her new life, or she has grown out of your friendship. either way, throwing a shit fit and/or going into emotional meltdown over it is going to have nothing but a negative effect on the situation.

she's an adult. you're an adult. it doesn't matter what you want her to do; she will, ultimately, even if she cares about you, do what she wants or feels she needs to do.

it seems to me, though, that you're blowing this out of proportion and feeling hurt because your relationship is not as it used to be and you don't know why. you could, you know, try asking.

11-20-2011, 12:04 PM	#1
Aleph New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 27	Not a question about love, but about friendship. A good and close friend of mine quit her company three weeks ago, and she decided to go freelance. Having been a freelance myself for some years now, she contacted me to know if I could recommend her to one of my clients, what I did. This client is at a high level in a prestigious company, so there are really good chances that I can get her something interesting. I follow it up regularly with my client, to see if there could be opportunities for her in the short term. Now, she also contacted an employee of my client, employee she happen to know professionally with the same request she presented to me. I found this a bit disappointing, but after all, why not? What bothers me is that, asking her if she would enjoy going to lunch with me one of these days, she was a bit elusive, telling me that her agenda of lunches was booked - when she first contacted me, she couldn't even give me a date, and a few days ago, she proposed me a lunch in three weeks, which is kind of far way, telling me she had a lot of people to see and lunch with. She even proposed me to have a coffee instead. I must admit I don't know how to feel. I should add that once, I asked her to recommend me professionally, being at that time in an uneasy situation, which she promised me she would do, but actually, I don't think she did it. At the same time, she always seemed to me a reliable person, with principles and values - and she makes a point of honor of these qualities. My first movement would be to cool down all links with her, because I'm feeling that she's using me but that, in contrast to what she says, she doesn't really care for me, or that she considers me as being someone of secondary importance compared to other people, whom she gives the priority. But I must be careful with my reactions, as I tend to easily feel rejected or disparaged by the behaviors of others. What would you do in the same situation?
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11-20-2011, 12:16 PM	#2
PlungingHornets Member [13%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 536	Give her space while she sorts her new life out?
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11-20-2011, 12:33 PM	#3
Kristeen New Member [01%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 47	I believe in the same situation, I would try to look at things from her point of view, which is that she probably really needs to hustle right now, to make ends meet. She is offering you some time, albeit 3 weeks away, she could have said "You know what, I don't think I can really commit to anything, right now." If your general impression of her is positive, I wouldn't place too much weight on what she is doing right now, amidst this period of transition. Be careful that you are not taking things too personally, when it is likely she is filled with anxiety about making this choice of hers work out. I think you know what I'm getting at, and can stand back a while and observe, while she gets settled and in the meantime, concentrate on your other friendships.
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11-21-2011, 07:19 AM	#4
MrFox Banned MBTI: InTJ Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 1,390	Not so quick, young man. I don't like this lady. If you're doing her a genuine service by generating business for her, then she makes time for you - simple as that. On the other hand, she doesn't seem to be trying to avoid you - she offered to meet but you refused because it wasn't lunch. Do I have that right? What's magic about lunch? Is it plausible that she needs lunch meetings to generate business for herself? What have you got against coffee? Last edited by JTG; 11-22-2011 at 04:48 AM. Reason: removed deleted content
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11-21-2011, 07:36 AM	#5
Warrior Core Member [228%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 9,154	My lunch schedule is fairly open. How about you buy me lunch and we'll talk about this! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I wouldn't be immediately alarmed that she can't fit you in for lunch. Maybe her schedule is full. It is a time of year where people are rushing to get in those kinds of things before holiday vacations start to kick in. She did offer to meet with you, just not over lunch, so it doesn't sound like she is trying to avoid you. Is there something special about lunch that you need to meet then instead of over coffee as she suggested?
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11-22-2011, 04:51 AM	#7
JTG Core Member [246%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 9,844	Coffee dates are cozy and intimate. I don't see the problem with doing that instead
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11-22-2011, 11:19 AM	#9
Dru Core Member [250%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 10,016	i'd give her space and get on with my own life. either she's busy with her new life, or she has grown out of your friendship. either way, throwing a shit fit and/or going into emotional meltdown over it is going to have nothing but a negative effect on the situation. she's an adult. you're an adult. it doesn't matter what you want her to do; she will, ultimately, even if she cares about you, do what she wants or feels she needs to do. it seems to me, though, that you're blowing this out of proportion and feeling hurt because your relationship is not as it used to be and you don't know why. you could, you know, try asking.
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