[ricearoni]

Is this something INTJs do when they're interested in someone? Or is this reserved only for people that annoy them or they just don't like?

I have an INTJ friend that I've been interested in for quite a long time. But he just keeps shooting himself in the foot, when it comes to something romantic developing between us. It's rather frustrating.

[Homini Lupus]

Take whatever I say cum grano salis since every person is different and you didn't explain your case very well; maybe he's taking time? Not knowing how to deal with a situation it would be natural to do so. Was he overly interested in you he would probably have found a way to show it, but there are various shades between white and black.

[ricearoni]

Sorry for not explaining it better, I was trying to avoid being long winded.

Basically, he lives in another state and I went to visit him recently. There was a lot of buildup before the trip and he told me that he was interested in me. After my second day there, he freaks out, saying that it's clear that I'm not having a good time (which wasn't true, i was having fun) and that he doesn't feel any attraction at all.

After the trip he kept writing to me (though more sporadically) and sending me links to things related to the trip. But yet he kept emphasizing how different we are and how little we have in common (which is strange because it never bothered him before).

So I wrote to him, telling him that I think he's just trying to look for something to disagree about and that I still like him, but I don't expect him to feel the same way. Also, if he thinks this is awkward, he's free to end the friendship...just let me know.

I haven't heard a response. So I'm really confused about what's going on. This is the second time he's done something similar to this, so I can't tell if it's for real this time.

[ElstonGunn]

Despite the similarity you have with him in terms of both being INxJs, I still see a Swede talking to a Chinaman. Different languages, you know?

My first impulse, based on what you've said, is that he is interested in you, but he's having a hard time see how things could work out for the two of you. If he can't see that, it doesn't matter how much he likes you.

Also, many INTJs place all but one or two iotas of their allotted amount of confidence in their professional capabilities. In other words, a lot of us have next to no confidence in our relationship abilities. That could be the reason why he assumed that you weren't enjoying yourself when you were with him.

I'm not sure how similar I am to him (INTJs come in several flavors and subtypes), but as for me, I always assume that someone isn't all that interested in me in platonic social situations, and that assumption is magnified ad infinitum in regard to romantic relationships. Clarity and persistence are the keys to being in a relationship with me. But I think it's easier to find someone who's a little more normal about these things, rather than futz around with someone like me.

[PortInStorm]

Hey, I'd be confused too.

It sounds like he's freaking out, that he doesn't have much confidence in himself, and that yes, he doesn't think it would work due to some difference between you two.

[Seppuku Savant]

People can push others away no matter what personality type they are. If an INTJ is doing it, they might possibly need time to assess what they think/feel about the situation. Or as someone stated above, doesn't see how it will work. In which case, it will not be pursued.

I can say from personal experience, there have been people I was interested in romantically that would've dated me, but it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. So, I avoided beginning the relationship in the first place.

[Indubitably]

Well, pushing people away, when you are really interested in them, is nothing exclusive to intjs. I do it all the time without even realizing what I am up to until its too late (although I have gotten a lot better about it over the last few years).

I have noticed however that when intjs get really rattled and can't find their bearings they have a way of convincing themselves that something is just impossible and they should give up. Its as if their usually mailable and open mindset just does a complete 180 and they turn into an ISTJ. From then on they seem to see everything in terms of their defeat simply being irrefutable fact, because "thats just how things are supposed to be", as if there is just no sense in trying to defy the conventional wisdom of their decision. No mater what you say it will be interpreted as if you, and everyone else, has somehow attributed the same sense of futility to their predicament that one would assign to say.. fighting the laws of nature, or time travel. They will reinterpret your words to fit the self defeating reality they have constructed, and until they calm down they just aren't going to see reason.

This is pretty rare though, and definitely not typical of an intj at their best. Just give him some time, and don't make a big deal out of the situation. Even if he seriously freaks out, just play it off like these things happen all the time, wait a while, and then ask him if he feels like hanging out again as if nothing ever happened.

[ricearoni]

Thank for all the responses.

He just called, so I got to experience a little bit of what Indubitably had wrote about. It really is futile to try to convince an INTJ that there's a possibility when they think otherwise. Distance and the fact that I'm rather shy and awkward when first meeting a person (takes me a long time to warm up to someone), have screwed my chances.

He believes that after two dates, you can tell if you're compatible with a person. As a result he believes we will never be comfortable around each other. I totally disagree, but can't present a good enough reason for why.

Oh well. I think it's kind of funny that we talked for almost two hours and if I hadn't ended the conversation, it could've probably gone on longer. Got to admire the fact that he wanted to resolve this situation, especially when it would've been easier to just disappear.

[SimplyOtter]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Got to admire the fact that he wanted to resolve this situation, especially when it would've been easier to just disappear.

I had exactly the same experience with the INTJ I liked. I really admired that, it was the first time in my life that a man wanted to talk spontaneously about awkward F issues and thought it meant he really wanted to keep the friendship with me, and he specifically said that staying friends was very important to him. So I made a huge effort for thinking of him just as a friend. But then I felt he kind of messed up things and started being romantic with me again, and then eventually disappeared, which utterly confused me.

I'm not in the best position to give advice here, but being an NF I can relate to what you are experiencing pretty well, I felt pushed away many times by him, and it's not easy. Looking back, now, after all INTJs precious suggestions and analyses
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, I wish I could have been much more direct and to the point on what I wanted from him, not expecting he would do that with me.

good luck, and be strong!

[Antares]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is this something INTJs do when they're interested in someone? Or is this reserved only for people that annoy them or they just don't like? I have an INTJ friend that I've been interested in for quite a long time. But he just keeps shooting himself in the foot, when it comes to something romantic developing between us. It's rather frustrating.

Well, that IS what I do. When I was head over heels for an ENTP, he showed interest but I just shied away. It was a stupid thing to do; I ignored him and even acted contemptuous towards him. We're friends now and we never mentioned it. While I'm pretty sure he reciprocated at least for a while, I never found out for sure (I.E. heard this from his close friends. He was just being quite obvious). My intuition was screaming at me to take a chance; because it looked so promising, but like others said before, my S side just downplays everything and made my rejection look inevitable. In the end I did nothing about it.

[ssrprotege]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is this something INTJs do when they're interested in someone? Or is this reserved only for people that annoy them or they just don't like? I have an INTJ friend that I've been interested in for quite a long time. But he just keeps shooting himself in the foot, when it comes to something romantic developing between us. It's rather frustrating.

I am less than confident in any kind of relationship (for now) involving love or possible romance. It's pretty rare that I will be actively interested in someone. If someone shows interest in me, and if I am not interested, I either indirectly or directly shy or push them away. If I do, my T hides and my F is activated (but not in the way inferior Fe works - even when I am passionate I keep my feeling inside in relationships). One time my N said it won't work but I overrode it with F. (Well, every time I encounter her it was an abyss of incomprehension) But I wouldn't know how to show my feeling, so I end up just giving her terse remarks. It appears to other people that I push people away, but I do not mean that; oh well many people say I keep pushing people away... It's like my feeling and my action are not in sync. I guess that's what's happening in your INTJ.

[SmartOne]

I used to do that in my younger days. I think it was because after I had more or less let a girl know I was interested in her I would go away think to much about it and then decide that she was not interested. Next time we meet because I know she is not interested in me (due to my superb thinking skills) I would sabotage any chance I had!! Leaving a very confused girl in my wake. Went on for about five years, and then I just gave up! In my case the only thing that would have worked was a quick thinking girl who spoke her mind and persevered with me and possibly used a damn big stick.

[SiMey]

We are a funny lot when it comes to romance, eh?

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	After my second day there, he freaks out, saying that it's clear that I'm not having a good time (which wasn't true, i was having fun) and that he doesn't feel any attraction at all.

I often assume that people hanging out with me are hardly entertained by my presence but in this case at least he was thinking about whether you were enjoying yourself, which I would not do unless I actually liked the other person. He may just like you platonically though.

	Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Also, many INTJs place all but one or two iotas of their allotted amount of confidence in their professional capabilities. In other words, a lot of us have next to no confidence in our relationship abilities.

Yep and highly sensitive to any possible minute signs of rejection to confirm my view of the situation. I switch my rejection radar on. Self fulfilling prophecy. (Aha! Rejected spotted, just as I expected!)

	Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I always assume that someone isn't all that interested in me in platonic social situations, and that assumption is magnified ad infinitum in regard to romantic relationships.

I'd stand in a bar and look around at the other guys and could come up with no logical rational reason why any girl would be interested in me at all, what with my amazing social skills, ability for small talk, packaged with a charming smile and warm open personality.

	Originally Posted by Indubitably To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have noticed however that when intjs get really rattled and can't find their bearings they have a way of convincing themselves that something is just impossible and they should give up. They will reinterpret your words to fit the self defeating reality they have constructed.

For social relationship stuff I can see that.

	Originally Posted by SmartOne To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I used to do that in my younger days. I think it was because after I had more or less let a girl know I was interested in her I would go away think to much about it and then decide that she was not interested. Next time we meet because I know she is not interested in me (due to my superb thinking skills) I would sabotage any chance I had!!

Once I've figured out in my own mind that its not gonna work, or the person is going to reject me, I make sure there is enough distance between us so they can't reject me. As a younger fella, even if I liked someone, I'd make sure they didn't know coz there was no point in going through the hassle of being rejected. (Really smart eh?)

[peppermint13]

	Originally Posted by SiMey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We are a funny lot when it comes to romance, eh?

sigh. yes, yes you are. just curious simey, or anyone else who cares to respond, would you continue to keep your rejection radar tuned in to someone who had told you directly they were interested (if you were interested romantically or even just interested in friendship)? i mean, if you knew for sure they were interested in dating or wanting to be friends with you, wouldn't that clear things up re: rejection?

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by SiMey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yep and highly sensitive to any possible minute signs of rejection to confirm my view of the situation. I switch my rejection radar on. Self fulfilling prophecy. (Aha! Rejected spotted, just as I expected!)

Exactly. I read in one of the INTJ descriptions out there that we can be "hypersensitive to signs of rejection." At first, I thought that was outrageous. I don't care all that much if someone rejects me. It's better than wasting a bunch of time on some kind of unrequited thing.

But then I thought about the word "hypersensitive" a little more, and then realized that I agree completely with that description insofar as it applies to myself. It's not a question of emotional sensitivity so much as the way that I'm "calibrated," so to speak. I can find a signal of rejection in almost any response, whether it's actually there or not. I could probably even take it as a rejection if someone said "Yes, absolutely" with the wrong tone of voice or posture or eye movement (very minor hyperbole there. very, very minor).

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I can find a signal of rejection in almost any response, whether it's actually there or not.

So how does one convince you that they weren't trying to reject you or even get you to reconsider them? (anyone can answer this too.)

I know that some of my actions may have made him think that I would never move to his state and that I was trying to reject him. But actually, I would move right now if I could afford it and I wasn't trying to reject him. I just misunderstood some of his actions and withdrew because I was hurt, but he interrupted/rejected me before I could explain that.

Also, I feel like a madwoman for writing this, but despite all the reasons he says we wouldn't work, I still think he likes me. He's given good though somewhat superficial reasons for why we'd never work. He's even said that I shouldn't keep writing to him if I'm hoping that we'll get together again. :embarassed:

But it's like his actions don't match his words!!! Am I really supposed to believe that my friendship is that freaking awesome, that'd he'd go through all this for friendship only?

[SiMey]

	Originally Posted by peppermint13 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	sigh. yes, yes you are. just curious simey, or anyone else who cares to respond, would you continue to keep your rejection radar tuned in to someone who had told you directly they were interested, wouldn't that clear things up re: rejection?

If I was told directly that another was interested and I liked that person, I might have the radar on standby, but still be concerned or on the look out for signals that the person was not enjoying herself.

In some cases it'd freak me out and I'd try to figure out why the person was interested, when of course the answer may not be a rational one.

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So how does one convince you that they weren't trying to reject you or even get you to reconsider them?

Aside from marrying me? My guess would be patience, persistence and no pressure.

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Also, despite all the reasons he says we wouldn't work, I still think he likes me. He's given good though somewhat superficial reasons for why we'd never work. He's even said that I shouldn't keep writing to him if I'm hoping that we'll get together again.

Is it really worth the effort when he has said what he has said?

If that were me I've told you how it is. I'm not sure you can convince someone to be romantically interested in you.

What are the reasons and why are they superficial, in your view?

What prevents you from moving on? Has he not suggested that you do so unless you can accept friendship only?

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But it's like his actions don't match his words!!! Am I really supposed to believe that my friendship is that freaking awesome, that'd he'd go through all this for friendship only?

What actions?

Should you listen to his words or interpret his actions?

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by SiMey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is it really worth the effort when he has said what he has said? If that were me I've told you how it is. I'm not sure you can convince someone to be romantically interested in you.

That's a great question. Common sense tells me that it's not worth the effort. Though, if I had listened to common sense a year ago, I would've stopped talking to him and missed out on all the good experiences that we shared before the recent trip. Back then he had also told me that it was best to only be friends...

I guess I'm not trying to convince him to like me, I'm trying to figure out why he doesn't like me. Is it because he truly feels nothing or is it because he doesn't see how it could work? If it's the former, then I would give up, but if it's the latter, I'm willing to find solutions.

	What are the reasons and why are they superficial, in your view?

Well there's the nothing in common thing. No friends in common, no shared interests, etc. I feel that's superficial because, of course we don't have friends in common. We live in two different states and that's never affected things before! And we do have shared interests...travel, photography, design and other stuff. And while I might not participate in his favorite hobbies, I do have a genuine interest in them.

He also said that we don't communicate well. During the trip, I got hurt by something he did and instead of talking about it, I froze him out. Which sort of proves his point, except I tried to talk to him about it later that night, when I realized how stupid I was being. But he interrupted me to say that there wasn't an emotional connection and that I wasn't having fun. I took that as a rejection and for the rest of the trip, I was too heartbroken to realize that I should've tried talking about things instead of pretending (unsuccessfully) that everything was ok.

Anyway, what was the point of that story? Um...basically I think communication can be worked on and improved. We spent almost two hours the other night, talking about the situation with each other and I think that's a great example of us working on the whole communication thing.

	What prevents you from moving on? Has he not suggested that you do so unless you can accept friendship only?

I can't move on because somewhere in the back of my mind, I think this is just the result of a misunderstanding. And he hasn't directly said that I need to move on. He just said that it might not be good for me to keep writing if I'm hoping for more.

	What actions? Should you listen to his words or interpret his actions?

I've always been told that a man's actions mean more than his words. I'm not sure if that's always true.

As for his actions, well the most recent example I can think of...

A couple weeks ago, I called him when I was freaking out about things. We talked, I calmed down and he had to leave because he was going out. While he was out he sent me a text message about how he hated the event he was at (it's something we used to do before the trip). Then he called me the next day to continue the conversation even though most people would've waited for me to make the call.

I've also noticed that sometimes he tries to make me jealous, like mentioning how an overly helpful salesgirl gave him her cell phone number. But if I mention something similar, he withdraws.

And I guess, the fact that he's still around means he still cares about me in some way. It's possible that it's just platonic, but I don't know many guys who would say the things he's said and still stick around.

[Synamon]

If he's said there is no connection then HE doesn't feel one. Sounds to me like the chemistry just isn't there for him. Let it go and just be friends, or you will make yourself crazy. He's still around because he likes you as a friend. His actions all say friendship to me, nothing more.

I am of the opinion that INTJ's are one of the types which can have platonic friendships (some people would argue that there is no such thing, but I disagree strongly) and I think that muddies the waters where relationships are concerned. Interest does not always have to result in romance. My two cents.

[ricearoni]

Originally Posted by Synamon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

If he's said there is no connection then HE doesn't feel one. Sounds to me like the chemistry just isn't there for him. Let it go and just be friends, or you will make yourself crazy. He's still around because he likes you as a friend. His actions all say friendship to me, nothing more. I am of the opinion that INTJ's are one of the types which can have platonic friendships (some people would argue that there is no such thing, but I disagree strongly) and I think that muddies the waters where relationships are concerned. Interest does not always have to result in romance. My two cents.

Your two cents are much appreciated.
I also agree that platonic friendships are possible, though I think they can occur no matter what a person's type is. It just requires people to be honest with themselves and have strong boundaries.

I have a question though, how quick are you to change your mind about a person? Is one bad day with someone who's held your romantic interest for over a year, enough to convince you that friendship is all that's possible?

[Synamon]

No, my mind doesn't change that quickly, and I tend to give second and third and forth chances to anyone I've let into my little world, but that's just me.

But romantic interest and a full blown romance are two different things, I can be interested in someone for a long while and spend the time to get to know them and discover that friendship is all there is.

[ricearoni]

Interesting. So a full blown romance would probably get more chances than a romantic interest and even then, it still depends on the person. It's very possible then, that after one bad day, all he had been pursuing, didn't seem worth it anymore because it was only an interest and not a romance.

sigh.

How disappointing. I don't know if it's an NF thing, but I'd want to spend more time with a person before deciding it's a friend's only thing.

[SiMey]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Back then he had also told me that it was best to only be friends... I guess I'm not trying to convince him to like me, I'm trying to figure out why he doesn't like me. Is it because he truly feels nothing or is it because he doesn't see how it could work? If it's the former, then I would give up, but if it's the latter, I'm willing to find solutions.

I wouldn't waste time trying to figure out why someone isn't romantically interested in you. I'm reading he has twice said he sees you as a friend.

Wait for someone likes you and you can't figure out why they do.

Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

During the trip, I got hurt by something he did and instead of talking about it, I froze him out. Which sort of proves his point, except I tried to talk to him about it later that night, when I realized how stupid I was being. But he interrupted me to say that there wasn't an emotional connection and that I wasn't having fun. I took that as a rejection and for the rest of the trip, I was too heartbroken to realize that I should've tried talking about things instead of pretending (unsuccessfully) that everything was ok.

Yeah, if you froze him out I think he would feel rejected and hence he'd think it was not working. I think you gave him that message. (sorry)

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Anyway, what was the point of that story? Um...basically I think communication can be worked on and improved. We spent almost two hours the other night, talking about the situation with each other and I think that's a great example of us working on the whole communication thing.

I assume that is on the phone? I find that interesting. I can't remember when I last talked for two hours on the phone. People on the phone are generally annoying to me, even if they are my friends.

I have an E friend who I keep trying to train to email me, yet he likes to call me as well. He's very annoying and I enjoy his company in small doses but this just seems to encourage him. I don't like letting him know he is my friend, coz then he'll think that I like him and want to talk to me. (I could ramble off track now).

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I can't move on because somewhere in the back of my mind, I think this is just the result of a misunderstanding. And he hasn't directly said that I need to move on. He just said that it might not be good for me to keep writing if I'm hoping for more.

So to me he's saying it may be better for you to move on if you can't handle being "just friends"?

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A couple weeks ago, I called him when I was freaking out about things. We talked, I calmed down and he had to leave because he was going out. While he was out he sent me a text message about how he hated the event he was at (it's something we used to do before the trip). Then he called me the next day to continue the conversation even though most people would've waited for me to make the call.

I'm pretty good at remembering where my last conversation with a person left off, whereas I found others don't tend to be the same. I assume this is because I have less conversations with people so its easier to remember what was discussed. I possibly wouldn't have called you however I have soft hidden inner centre that is very concerned about others. I think he cares.

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I've also noticed that sometimes he tries to make me jealous, like mentioning how an overly helpful salesgirl gave him her cell phone number. But if I mention something similar, he withdraws.

I think you are creating an emotional meaning/interpretation to his behaviour. Why was this not a factual statement about something that happened to him? When you do this to him, you seem to expect some kind of emotional response?

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And I guess, the fact that he's still around means he still cares about me in some way. It's possible that it's just platonic, but I don't know many guys who would say the things he's said and still stick around.

If I've bonded to a person, that bond is usually strong and not affected by time, distance or frequency of contact. I like low maintenance relationships.

	Originally Posted by Synamon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he's said there is no connection then HE doesn't feel one. Sounds to me like the chemistry just isn't there for him. Let it go and just be friends, or you will make yourself crazy. He's still around because he likes you as a friend. His actions all say friendship to me, nothing more.

Agreed.

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have a question though, how quick are you to change your mind about a person? Is one bad day with someone who's held your romantic interest for over a year, enough to convince you that friendship is all that's possible?

Hmm, analyse, hide from people, think, analyse, process, contemplate, consider all sides, get more info, replay events in mind, think, contemplate, have internal conversation with self, process some more, um get the point?

Snap emotional decision, unlikely.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by SiMey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I wouldn't waste time trying to figure out why someone isn't romantically interested in you. I'm reading he has twice said he sees you as a friend. Wait for someone likes you and you can't figure out why they do.

SiMey, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my mess of a thread. I'm realizing that I'm not presenting the details so well. When he first told me that he wanted to be friends, months later he changed his mind and said that he also liked me, but sabotaged things because he was afraid of the distance. So while he's said it twice, he's also taken it back once.

	Yeah, if you froze him out I think he would feel rejected and hence he'd think it was not working. I think you gave him that message. (sorry)

Don't apologize for stating the truth no matter how sucky it is. I think you're right and it's my fault for behaving so passive aggressively towards him.

I assume that is on the phone? I find that interesting. I can't remember when I last talked for two hours on the phone. People on the phone are generally annoying to me, even if they are my friends. I have an E friend who I keep trying to train to email me, yet he likes to call me as well. He's very annoying and I enjoy his company in small doses but this just seems to encourage him. I don't like letting him know he is my friend, coz then he'll think that I like him and want to talk to me. (I could ramble off track now).

He hates talking on the phone also and so do I. It's so much easier to talk in person or just send a text. And I think it's kind of ridiculous that we talked for that long. It's also kind of ridiculous that after serious conversations, he'll always encourage me to call him if I have anymore concerns. Sometimes I get the feeling that he sort of enjoys it and wants to hear from me again.

	So to me he's saying it may be better for you to move on if you can't handle being "just friends"?

Ok, he could be saying that.

	I'm pretty good at remembering where my last conversation with a person left off, whereas I found others don't tend to be the same. I assume this is because I have less conversations with people so its easier to remember what was discussed. I possibly wouldn't have called you however I have soft hidden inner centre that is very concerned about others. I think he cares.

Hmm...very interesting.

	I think you are creating an emotional meaning/interpretation to his behaviour. Why was this not a factual statement about something that happened to him? When you do this to him, you seem to expect some kind of emotional response?

I'm confused. What do you mean by factual statement?

If I write to him and mention that I was talking to some guy (even using the words old and weird to describe them), he won't write back to me for a few days, which is odd because he writes regularly. It's a coincidence I've noticed about four times in the past month. I can only explain it as jealousy or that he enjoys the fact that when he doesn't write back, I will worry about him and contact him in a way that shows that I still care about him. And I'm not doing this to get an emotional response. If I was, I would tell him about the guys that hit on me.

	If I've bonded to a person, that bond is usually strong and not affected by time, distance or frequency of contact. I like low maintenance relationships.

So basically, once you've chosen to be friends with someone, even if it's platonic, that person will always be considered a friend and will always have a place in your thoughts?

	Hmm, analyse, hide from people, think, analyse, process, contemplate, consider all sides, get more info, replay events in mind, think, contemplate, have internal conversation with self, process some more, um get the point? Snap emotional decision, unlikely.

Got it.
I asked that question because he went from being overly affectionate to not feeling an emotional attraction in less than a day. That doesn't seem to follow the analyzing/reevaluating process.

And if INTJs are hypersensitive to rejection, it seems likely that they would make a snap emotional decision when they believe they've been rejected. So it's possible that there was a misunderstanding. How to deal with that...I have no clue.

[Icristhus]

	Got it. I asked that question because he went from being overly affectionate to not feeling an emotional attraction in less than a day. That doesn't seem to follow the analyzing/reevaluating process.

That's a funny thing about me, when I decide to analyze a relationship because I'm feeling rejected. I make an immediate snap judgement, then retreat for anywhere from minutes to months (on one very, very hard occasion) and re-evaluate the entire thing a few hundred times before deciding if I'm actually going to stick to that snap judgement or not.

As far as the 'Some old, weird guy talked to me today' bit goes.. That is kind of strange, but one very, very had thing about long-distance relationships of any sort (on me), even if it's just a friendship.. Is that it's sooo much easier to delude myself into thinking the other person is going to lose all interest, or already has and is just humoring me, or whatever else.

Maybe, since you mentioned he's admitted to being afraid of the distance, he's simply in the hyper-sensitive freak-out mode in that he thinks everything and anything is going to happen to ruin his chances, and so he's retreating at every oppurtunity?

I've definitely done that in the past, even with all my feelings and emotions /screaming/ for me to stick to it and try again and have some faith, I'd just be too damned logical for my own good, and too intent on looking out for the worst that could happen.

In short.. It doesn't sound to me like he's made any real decision whatsoever, no matter what he might have snapped on any occasion, except that he's extremely interested in you (whether it be platonically, romantically, or both).

Other than that, it sounds a lot to me like he's just very insecure over the distance becoming too much of an obstacle for anything to be possible.

Reason why I think all of that? Simple, I'm in a similar situation at the moment with a very dear friend of my own that's seperated by a huge distance. It's never a very far thought from my mind that they might be feeling strained by it; especially if I miss contact for a few days, or if they're not interested in socializing when I manage to get 'hold of them (or even just -seem- like they're not).

So eh, to sum up.. INTJs aren't anywhere near as purely honest and logical as we'd love to claim to be, if we're stressed over something extremely dear to us. We tend to have a lot of buried passions, and when they go haywire.. Believe me, they go /haywire/.

My advice would be to just keep persistent if it's truly important to you. No pressure, just stay in contact, explain yourself rationally and gently explain to him why his reasons that it could all fall apart aren't sound ones. And, if he decides he wants to ramble or be honest or something similar, just hear him out and be supportive.

Eventually, that approach has a decent chance of getting him to decide on exactly what he wants and what he's going to do about it, as well as reinforcing that the distance isn't such an all-encompassing, world-shattering barrier as it might seem.

...Hope all of that helps. S'just some of my own experiences with fear over long-distance relationships, as an INTJ.