[kangaji]

Okay here's the deal. Ive been dating a INTJ for close to 2 years. and it has been full of ups and downs. We broke up several times. probably due to his inability to understand his feelings and me being quite an immature ENFP (struggling with emotions but i think this rlshp helps me mature). I managed to soften him up and make him face his feelings and he was trying so hard at the relationship but then i crushed him by breaking up with him and starting to date right after (yes, i was an ass. it eats me from inside everyday... ): ) but i realised i really do want him but then problems start again cause of the INTJ AND ENFP frustrations of miscomm. but i think now its the worst.
Now, im lost and frustrated. Im trying real hard to understand him and thinking along the same lines of his mind. He says he has no intention to engage in a relationship now. but he is still with me. albeit he's not trying or giving much or at all to the relationship in all regards (time, physical touch, communication etc) So what does this mean??? and what can i do to soften him up (again) or stay sane while trying to reach there. Please help, everyday im struggling T_T

[Cooper]

You hurt the guy. Chances of getting him to "soften up" again? Slim to none.

[JC22]

Ouch!

Having a girl break up with me is one thing, but having her date another guy right after? I would move on after that.

[kangaji]

then why is he still with me...?

[JC22]

	Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	then why is he still with me...?

He may respect you(what you ment to him) enough to stay, but not want to do it all again because he doesn't want to risk getting hurt again. Most likely trying picking up his shattered pieces and planning his next move.

[kangaji]

okay i should probably explain why i did it. i was quite shaken from the first break up (by him) where he broke up w me and told me he was thinking of getting tgthr with the other girl that liked him. thus born trust issues. and the constant question of is he what i really want?? so yea i was kinda emotionally damaged when i did all that. im really not that kind of girl ): so yes i deeply regret... and am sticking to him and giving my all (although it hurts and everyone says why are u staying if u hurt =/) partly doing this cause it happened before where he closed up (cause he was confused of his feelings) and i just stuck till he softened...

[Cooper]

If he is not giving anything to the relationship....time, physical touch, communication....how is that a relationship? How is he "with you"?

[kangaji]

	Originally Posted by JC22 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He may respect you(what you ment to him) enough to stay, but not want to do it all again because he doesn't want to risk getting hurt again. Most likely trying picking up his shattered pieces and planning his next move.

Its been 1/2 a year since that foolish decision... right after he was still giving to the relationship. but because of the miscomm, we still struggled with the relationship... but im realising the errs in my ways and trying to change cept its difficult when youre not getting your type of assurances...

btw what would his next move be? would it be wise to say that my steps and actions now would be determining factor to his next move? if so what should i do to get back into his good books and let this relationship mature...?

---------- Post added 10-03-2011 at 03:51 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he is not giving anything to the relationship....time, physical touch, communication....how is that a relationship? How is he "with you"?

yea thats why its messing me up... but okay maybe he is giving it to be just that compared to before its really minimal. and he's not broken up with me so its a relationship in name?

[CaelestisPeste]

Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

okay i should probably explain why i did it. i was quite shaken from the first break up (by him) where he broke up w me and told me he was thinking of getting tgthr with the other girl that liked him. thus born trust issues. and the constant question of is he what i really want?? so yea i was kinda emotionally damaged when i did all that. im really not that kind of girl ): so yes i deeply regret... and am sticking to him and giving my all (although it hurts and everyone says why are u staying if u hurt =/) partly doing this cause it happened before where he closed up (cause he was confused of his feelings) and i just stuck till he softened...

There's already this much tension and drama. In terms of a long term relationship, do you really think it's going to work out? Do you really like the guy or are you just trying to repair a broken relationship (some people enjoy fixing things)?

[kangaji]

	Originally Posted by CaelestisPeste To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	There's already this much tension and drama. In terms of a long term relationship, do you really think it's going to work out? Do you really like the guy or are you just trying to repair a broken relationship (some people enjoy fixing things)?

yea perhaps the ENFP in me finding it hard to walk away from a bad relationship and the need to work at it if not itll make me feel that i have not tried... but i mean if i dont try i wont know right?? =/ but after learning more abt INTJs recently, ive slowly grasped my feelings of why i want to be with him. It is indeed a joy to be with him (idiosyncrasies and all) and i do believe this relationship can be enjoyable and beneficial to us and is probably the best (and longest) ive ever been in...

[CaelestisPeste]

	Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	yea perhaps the ENFP in me finding it hard to walk away from a bad relationship and the need to work at it if not itll make me feel that i have not tried... but i mean if i dont try i wont know right?? =/

Well, if the relationship problems does become resolved and there's nothing to fix, will you still want to be with him?

Nvm, I'll just leave it here. Too lazy to edit.

[kangaji]

	Originally Posted by CaelestisPeste To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well, if the relationship problems does become resolved and there's nothing to fix, will you still want to be with him? Ok I need to edit this.

yeaps definitely.

[Cooper]

INTJ and ENFP relationships can be very good......they are an excellent match. But keep in mind that INTJs are cave dewellers, once we go into our cave because we have been hurt, its very difficult to get us to come back out. We may not show our feelings, but we can be hurt very deeply, and that pain will make us distant.

[kangaji]

	Originally Posted by Cooper To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	INTJ and ENFP relationships can be very good......they are an excellent match. But keep in mind that INTJs are cave dewellers, once we go into our cave because we have been hurt, its very difficult to get us to come back out. We may not show our feelings, but we can be hurt very deeply, and that pain will make us distant.

i understand ): and i learnt it the hard way...

[Cooper]

Sometimes we never come back to that close again.....

[CaelestisPeste]

Horrible writing aside, did you tell him how you felt about what happened (a heart to heart talk about the break-ups and reasons) and how much you like him? This will definitely take time, so you probably shouldn't hurry it. If anything, he's probably thinking about how to deal with this situation as well. Was there anything both of you were fond of doing together? Maybe you can try to help him recollect the good experience from the past. Might work.

[kangaji]

Originally Posted by CaelestisPeste To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Horrible writing aside, did you tell him how you felt about what happened (a heart to heart talk about the break-ups and reasons) and how much you like him? This will definitely take time, so you probably shouldn't hurry it. If anything, he's probably thinking about how to deal with this situation as well. Was there anything both of you were fond of doing together? Maybe you can try to help him recollect the good experience from the past. Might work.

anw, thankyou, this advice is helpful (: im trying to. but he doesnt like to talk abt it often at this point of time. so yes time... Recollecting good experience sounds good! but im afraid that if i try to remind him of the past, he might remember the negative too? and it might backfire?

[CaelestisPeste]

	Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	anw, thankyou, this advice is helpful (: im trying to. but he doesnt like to talk abt it often at this point of time. so yes time... Recollecting good experience sounds good! but im afraid that if i try to remind him of the past, he might remember the negative too? and it might backfire?

I'm assuming both of you are ignoring each other?
Even if he does remember the negative, which he probably will, at least both of you can talk it out (you both might even get emotional); it's going to be a risk, but it's better than letting him sulk alone. Besides, you're going to talk to him sooner or later. It's better if you initiate to show you want to resolve this issue than to wait and have him make his own decision, alone and depressed.

[kangaji]

Originally Posted by CaelestisPeste To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'm assuming both of you are ignoring each other? Even if he does remember the negative, which he probably will, at least both of you can talk it out (you both might even get emotional); it's going to be a risk, but it's better than letting him sulk alone. Besides, you're going to talk to him sooner or later. It's better if you initiate to show you want to resolve this issue than to wait and have him make his own decision, alone and depressed.

nopes, not ignoring. we're talking but i feel is on a very surface level. Thing is, after getting back together, it was actually quite okay. and it was normal just struggling with the ENFP and INTJ miscomms. but other life issues arose for him (financial and such) and thus he decided to make life decisions regarding human relationships in general (friendships etc) and i guess i felt like im being in the direct line of fire... so i put the relationship under scrutiny... but i do have a problem of trying to talk to him proper about the issues without pulling too many emotions into it.

[Shadizar]

Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Okay here's the deal. Ive been dating a INTJ for close to 2 years. and it has been full of ups and downs. We broke up several times. probably due to his inability to understand his feelings and me being quite an immature ENFP (struggling with emotions but i think this rlshp helps me mature). I managed to soften him up and make him face his feelings and he was trying so hard at the relationship but then i crushed him by breaking up with him and starting to date right after (yes, i was an ass. it eats me from inside everyday... ): ) but i realised i really do want him but then problems start again cause of the INTJ AND ENFP frustrations of miscomm. but i think now its the worst. Now, im lost and frustrated. Im trying real hard to understand him and thinking along the same lines of his mind. He says he has no intention to engage in a relationship now. but he is still with me. albeit he's not trying or giving much or at all to the relationship in all regards (time, physical touch, communication etc) So what does this mean??? and what can i do to soften him up (again) or stay sane while trying to reach there. Please help, everyday im struggling T_T

If he's heartless, you hang around; if he becomes feely, you fuck off. It's simple really, how you missed it is beyond me; but you really fucked yourself on this one.

[CaelestisPeste]

Originally Posted by kangaji To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

nopes, not ignoring. we're talking but i feel is on a very surface level. Thing is, after getting back together, it was actually quite okay. and it was normal just struggling with the ENFP and INTJ miscomms. but other life issues arose for him (financial and such) and thus he decided to make life decisions regarding human relationships in general (friendships etc) and i guess i felt like im being in the direct line of fire... so i put the relationship under scrutiny... but i do have a problem of trying to talk to him proper about the issues without pulling too many emotions into it.

Comforting him during his time of need would bring some trust back into the relationship. He might be frigid right now, not just because he's an INTJ, but also because he's a man, and he doesn't want to show that he has issues or problem: financial or emotional. I would think having an INTJ being emotional is going let you have an honest conversation.

Maybe you should check out this thread (it's a lot to read, but it should help (your grammar)):
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

	Originally Posted by Shadizar To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he's heartless, you hang around; if he becomes feely, you fuck off. It's simple really, how you missed it is beyond me; but you really fucked yourself on this one. Suffer.

That does bring up a good point. I hope you're not a masochist.

[kangaji]

	Originally Posted by Shadizar To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If he's heartless, you hang around; if he becomes feely, you fuck off. It's simple really, how you missed it is beyond me; but you really fucked yourself on this one.

somehow i agree with this. i made a huge mistake. but i guess suffering is an option.

---------- Post added 10-03-2011 at 06:00 PM ----------

Originally Posted by CaelestisPeste To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Comforting him during his time of need would bring some trust back into the relationship. He might be frigid right now, not just because he's an INTJ, but also because he's a man, and he doesn't want to show that he has issues or problem: financial or emotional. I would think having an INTJ being emotional is going let you have an honest conversation. Maybe you should check out this thread (it's a lot to read, but it should help (your grammar)): To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. That does bring up a good point. I hope you're not a masochist.

comforting him and just being there for him and stop complaining and pointing out faults right? haha thankyou again. nopes not a masochist, an optimist gone wrong.

[catzmeow]

What is there to save? You were given the gift of his emotions (what you begged for), and then you threw them on the floor and stomped on them. You are not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Grow up, and leave this poor guy alone. Haven't you hurt him enough?

Even now, you're less concerned about the fact that you crushed his heart like a bug than you are about looking for tricks and angles you can use to trick him into being vulnerable to you. I don't see you expressing any real remorse. You are behaving like a narcissist who broke her toy and now wants to figure out how to fix it so she can play with it again.

This guy is a human being and your behavior was cruel and despicable. You do not deserve a relationship with him.

[Lucrezia Borgia]

Originally Posted by catzmeow To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

What is there to save? You were given the gift of his emotions (what you begged for), and then you threw them on the floor and stomped on them. You are not emotionally ready for a serious relationship. Grow up, and leave this poor guy alone. Haven't you hurt him enough? Even now, you're less concerned about the fact that you crushed his heart like a bug than you are about looking for tricks and angles you can use to trick him into being vulnerable to you. I don't see you expressing any real remorse. You are behaving like a narcissist who broke her toy and now wants to figure out how to fix it so she can play with it again. This guy is a human being and your behavior was cruel and despicable. You do not deserve a relationship with him.

Catz is right. If I were in his position, I would have cut you out of my life forever. I think the challenge of winning him back is your whole motivation. Very immature.

[Grimace]

I still hang out with people I've blacklisted in terms of affection and trust. You may have permanently burned that bridge, at least deep down. The casual way that immature ENFP's can hurt people (having ENFP friends etc), I can tell you, is something an INTJ pretty much never forgets.