No Attraction?

**Empath** · 10-02-2011, 06:04 PM

I find I like posting questions here because I get interesting (and often satisfying) answers from the people here. I think its that INTJ way of putting things...?

Anyway, My question is this: Is it a bad thing that I find no one I've met attractive in anyway? Personality, nor looks, nor anything else about any of them has sparked an interest in me. I don't mind being single, so I know that its not that I just wished for a boyfriend... More that I just kind of feel out of place because I truly don't find anyone attractive.

I guess I also have to say that I don't find myself attractive either, since my own self-esteem level tends to fall below the norm. I feel uncomfortable when people call me 'pretty' or something because I don't see it.

Disclaimer: For those who read my other thread "INFJ/INTJ Hiccups". My summer relationship was the only person I've found myself attracted to in my entire life. Now that he's pushed me solidly out of his life and is running after another girl... I just don't feel attraction to anyone. There may be one little trait here or there in people that sparks a little interest. But nothing that really catches me...

So again: I feel out of place because of it. It there something wrong with me?

**Hewholistens** · 10-02-2011, 06:06 PM

i feel like that too. Like no one i've ever met interests me. I'm beginning to think I'm asexual.

**Silverity** · 10-02-2011, 06:08 PM

I debated long and hard about whether I might be asexual as well.. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not but that I'm simply disinterested in everyone around me. (After 6 years of literally no attraction I did finally meet a guy who stimulated a spark, we're not together or anything but because I felt chemistry I figure I'm not asexual).

Have you considered what you want in someone else? You might just not be finding the type you're looking for. Or, maybe you are asexual, nothing wrong with that either.

**Empath** · 10-02-2011, 06:18 PM

I used to joke I was asexual because I don't need sexual anything to function. I still feel that way. Even when I was out of my mind in love with my most resent relationship, and sexually attracted for the first time in my life, I still felt I didn't need sex. And I only kind of wanted it.

I do try to think of things I would want in someone. But its hard for me to put into words. I'd have to think about it, I guess.

**AnaK** · 10-02-2011, 06:30 PM

Originally Posted by Empath
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I used to joke I was asexual because I don't need sexual anything to function. I still feel that way. Even when I was out of my mind in love with my most resent relationship, and sexually attracted for the first time in my life, I still felt I didn't need sex. And I only kind of wanted it.

I do try to think of things I would want in someone. But its hard for me to put into words. I'd have to think about it, I guess.

I work in IT and it is a common complaint that when you are designing a system and talking to users, they never know what they want. I had one user say to me: "just show me something and I'll tell you if I like it or not." It drives IT people crazy, but it is common behavior. I'm like that with men. I could dream someone up out of thin air, but what's the point? They don't exist. Why bother? So, I'm of the "just show me something and I'll tell you if I like it or not."

I also re-read your hiccups thread. I think after you get hung up on someone to that extent, and it doesn't work out, it might be natural to be a little gun shy and guarded of your feelings. Even if you take it well, it is bound to be somewhat of a disappointment, and you may not want to open yourself up to more disappointment. I think that's natural.

**Velocitii** · 10-03-2011, 01:27 PM

Living in a city with 12 million people, I only get attracted to someone maybe once a year at most. Nothing ever happens though.

**irini** · 10-03-2011, 01:40 PM

Attraction is peculiar...We feel attracted to some people for no obvious reason sometimes. It doesn't have the person to be good looking necessarily...Attraction I believe, has to do more with the way we move, the way we talk, even the way we look at each other. Self esteem, helps for sure to attraction. If we feel good with ourselves, if we see ourselves in the mirror and we are satisfied with our picture in it- then others can see that too... Self esteem makes us more attractive to others... I guess, what we really miss in our days is ...care. We are used not to care for people around us, we do not pay attention to them so much anymore...and we miss all the fun of interaction, of attraction, of flirting.
What we should do so that we can start feeling attraction is...
1. Try to improve ourselves so that we like it more
2. Start looking around us, observing people around us, so that we can see somebody that can attracts us among them.

**plotthickens** · 10-03-2011, 02:06 PM

Have you had any problems with depression in the past?

**CaelestisPeste** · 10-03-2011, 04:20 PM

Perhaps you're still not over your current love interest and you're in a depressive state.
Maybe you don't find others attractive is because they don't look or act like the person you met over the summer and you view yourself negatively because he left you for someone else.
Many people have bad days or broken relationships, where they don't find anything appealing.
Self esteem is a major factor in the way a person views the world, so take some time and heal/rest.
Do something you enjoy for the time being.
If you don't feel any better by the end of fall, then you should be a bit worried.

I can't tell if people are attracted to me or just intimidated by me (irl).

Dancingqueen · 10-03-2011, 05:30 PM

I find that for me, attraction is a direct result of deep emotional and intellectual connection. Perhaps you've got it backwards and should look for a strong connection first with attraction to follow later.

**Empath** · 10-04-2011, 07:34 AM

	Originally Posted by irini
	I guess, what we really miss in our days is ...care. We are used not to care for people around us, we do not pay attention to them so much anymore...and we miss all the fun of interaction, of attraction, of flirting

Yes, and this is why I don't watch the news or pay attention to politics. The people backstabbing each other and not caring if people are hurt or killed or anything... So I guess there's one point I want from someone: To care. Someone who likes to help people and who in general cares for others in some small way; instead of the indifferent sloth and hatred that I tend to see daily.

	Originally Posted by plotthickens
	Have you had any problems with depression in the past?

Yes, and I do need to look into some counseling or something in the near future, see if I can't clear out the cobwebs, if you know what I mean?

@CaelestisPeste - Yeah, I think I kinda figured that to begin with...

@ Dancingqueen - Yes, this makes sense to me. But sadly, I have few people around me at all as of late, and none of them have 'strong connections' to me or me to them. Making friends is hard for me, because I am so guarded in letting people in, and because I'm suspicious of people being truthful with me or not.

**Yvoire** · 10-04-2011, 07:46 AM

A full peaceful year since my last powerful crush, and I'm not looking forward to change that. Besides let's face it. It's just a source of problems.
I don't know if it's an issue with caring. I care for my friends of the opposite sex very much and they care for me. I don't know.

But is it really that wrong? I mean, in general. In my case, I know that my choice not to get involved can be traced back to a traumatic experience but I often find myself wondering, since so many people around me ask me why I don't find myself someone to love. As if it was wrong not to. It's not an assumption I feel like taking without a good reason.

**Haumea** · 10-04-2011, 07:48 AM

It sounds like a defense mechanism ("If I'm not attracted to anyone, I won't get hurt again.")

You've probably not fully dealt with the pain and disappointment of the previous situation - merely shoved it down as far as possible.

**TenochAcampicht** · 10-04-2011, 08:09 AM

Have you considered you might be demisexual?
If you are not familiar with this term, it means:

Demisexuality is the lack of sexual attraction outside of strong emotional connection. It is distinct from, but related to,
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, the complete lack of
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
. The term comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Demisexuals do not experience casual sexual attraction to others; however, when emotionally connected to someone they may experience attraction and desire for that individual.

**Yvoire** · 10-04-2011, 08:33 AM

	Originally Posted by Haumea To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It sounds like a defense mechanism ("If I'm not attracted to anyone, I won't get hurt again.") You've probably not fully dealt with the pain and disappointment of the previous situation - merely shoved it down as far as possible.

Oh I'm quite persuaded that's my situation. I just meant to say that I don't see how that could change. Peace is good.

**Empath** · 10-04-2011, 11:51 AM

Demisexuality. That's sound so odd and interesting. But I won't assume it's that until further poking about with the subject...

**matty** · 10-04-2011, 12:00 PM

From just being around this forum for a while, I've noticed this is more of a female thing. It seems women need emotional attraction or do not feel attracted to many people. Just my observation. As a guy, I see girls as I walk around and feel attracted to them just from seeing them. It happens all the time, actually probably like 6 times already today.

**CyanideSoda** · 10-05-2011, 12:52 AM

	Originally Posted by matty To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	From just being around this forum for a while, I've noticed this is more of a female thing. It seems women need emotional attraction or do not feel attracted to many people. Just my observation. As a guy, I see girls as I walk around and feel attracted to them just from seeing them. It happens all the time, actually probably like 6 times already today.

Probabaly intj women...the exfx women I know are all over strange guys in the blink of an eye. Still, there is a difference between attraction in an aesthetic way and attraction of the more "I want to be with you" kind. I definitely identify as a demisexual but I often check out guys in the subway and find them attractive. Doesn't mean I'd want to start something.

**shadrag** · 10-05-2011, 01:00 PM

	Originally Posted by CyanideSoda To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Still, there is a difference between attraction in an aesthetic way and attraction of the more "I want to be with you" kind. I definitely identify as a demisexual but I often check out guys in the subway and find them attractive. Doesn't mean I'd want to start something.

Agreed, same here. I can observe women, find them attractive, and still not actually want to have sex with them. Not that I couldn't, it's just that the emotional connection means so much more.

10-02-2011, 06:04 PM	#1
Empath New Member [01%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 18	I find I like posting questions here because I get interesting (and often satisfying) answers from the people here. I think its that INTJ way of putting things...? Anyway, My question is this: Is it a bad thing that I find no one I've met attractive in anyway? Personality, nor looks, nor anything else about any of them has sparked an interest in me. I don't mind being single, so I know that its not that I just wished for a boyfriend... More that I just kind of feel out of place because I truly don't find anyone attractive. I guess I also have to say that I don't find myself attractive either, since my own self-esteem level tends to fall below the norm. I feel uncomfortable when people call me 'pretty' or something because I don't see it. Disclaimer: For those who read my other thread "INFJ/INTJ Hiccups". My summer relationship was the only person I've found myself attracted to in my entire life. Now that he's pushed me solidly out of his life and is running after another girl... I just don't feel attraction to anyone. There may be one little trait here or there in people that sparks a little interest. But nothing that really catches me... So again: I feel out of place because of it. It there something wrong with me?
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10-02-2011, 06:06 PM	#2
Hewholistens Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 92	i feel like that too. Like no one i've ever met interests me. I'm beginning to think I'm asexual.
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10-02-2011, 06:08 PM	#3
Silverity Core Member [274%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 10,995	I debated long and hard about whether I might be asexual as well.. I've come to the conclusion that I'm not but that I'm simply disinterested in everyone around me. (After 6 years of literally no attraction I did finally meet a guy who stimulated a spark, we're not together or anything but because I felt chemistry I figure I'm not asexual). Have you considered what you want in someone else? You might just not be finding the type you're looking for. Or, maybe you are asexual, nothing wrong with that either.
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10-02-2011, 06:18 PM	#4
Empath New Member [01%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 18	I used to joke I was asexual because I don't need sexual anything to function. I still feel that way. Even when I was out of my mind in love with my most resent relationship, and sexually attracted for the first time in my life, I still felt I didn't need sex. And I only kind of wanted it. I do try to think of things I would want in someone. But its hard for me to put into words. I'd have to think about it, I guess.
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10-03-2011, 01:27 PM	#6
Velocitii Member [11%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 459	Living in a city with 12 million people, I only get attracted to someone maybe once a year at most. Nothing ever happens though.
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10-03-2011, 01:40 PM	#7
irini Core Member [183%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 7,327	Attraction is peculiar...We feel attracted to some people for no obvious reason sometimes. It doesn't have the person to be good looking necessarily...Attraction I believe, has to do more with the way we move, the way we talk, even the way we look at each other. Self esteem, helps for sure to attraction. If we feel good with ourselves, if we see ourselves in the mirror and we are satisfied with our picture in it- then others can see that too... Self esteem makes us more attractive to others... I guess, what we really miss in our days is ...care. We are used not to care for people around us, we do not pay attention to them so much anymore...and we miss all the fun of interaction, of attraction, of flirting. What we should do so that we can start feeling attraction is... 1. Try to improve ourselves so that we like it more 2. Start looking around us, observing people around us, so that we can see somebody that can attracts us among them.
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10-03-2011, 02:06 PM	#8
plotthickens Core Member [662%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,483	Have you had any problems with depression in the past?
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10-03-2011, 04:20 PM	#9
CaelestisPeste Core Member [143%] MBTI: INXP Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 5,735	Perhaps you're still not over your current love interest and you're in a depressive state. Maybe you don't find others attractive is because they don't look or act like the person you met over the summer and you view yourself negatively because he left you for someone else. Many people have bad days or broken relationships, where they don't find anything appealing. Self esteem is a major factor in the way a person views the world, so take some time and heal/rest. Do something you enjoy for the time being. If you don't feel any better by the end of fall, then you should be a bit worried. I can't tell if people are attracted to me or just intimidated by me (irl).
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10-03-2011, 05:30 PM	#10
Dancingqueen Core Member [126%] MBTI: iNTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 5,067	I find that for me, attraction is a direct result of deep emotional and intellectual connection. Perhaps you've got it backwards and should look for a strong connection first with attraction to follow later.
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10-04-2011, 07:46 AM	#12
Yvoire New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 70	A full peaceful year since my last powerful crush, and I'm not looking forward to change that. Besides let's face it. It's just a source of problems. I don't know if it's an issue with caring. I care for my friends of the opposite sex very much and they care for me. I don't know. But is it really that wrong? I mean, in general. In my case, I know that my choice not to get involved can be traced back to a traumatic experience but I often find myself wondering, since so many people around me ask me why I don't find myself someone to love. As if it was wrong not to. It's not an assumption I feel like taking without a good reason.
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10-04-2011, 07:48 AM	#13
Haumea Veteran Member [85%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 3,414	It sounds like a defense mechanism ("If I'm not attracted to anyone, I won't get hurt again.") You've probably not fully dealt with the pain and disappointment of the previous situation - merely shoved it down as far as possible.
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10-04-2011, 08:09 AM	#14
TenochAcampicht Member [29%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,169	Have you considered you might be demisexual? If you are not familiar with this term, it means: Demisexuality is the lack of sexual attraction outside of strong emotional connection. It is distinct from, but related to, To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , the complete lack of To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. . The term comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Demisexuals do not experience casual sexual attraction to others; however, when emotionally connected to someone they may experience attraction and desire for that individual.
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10-04-2011, 11:51 AM	#16
Empath New Member [01%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 18	Demisexuality. That's sound so odd and interesting. But I won't assume it's that until further poking about with the subject...
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10-04-2011, 12:00 PM	#17
matty Member [02%] MBTI: INTX Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 88	From just being around this forum for a while, I've noticed this is more of a female thing. It seems women need emotional attraction or do not feel attracted to many people. Just my observation. As a guy, I see girls as I walk around and feel attracted to them just from seeing them. It happens all the time, actually probably like 6 times already today.
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