Poll: Men are/are not just friends with women.

**AnaK** · 10-02-2011, 05:25 AM

Okay, I see both sides of this statement frequently on this sub-forum.

For example:

Originally Posted by Nicole1975
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Most guys aren't friendly AT ALL, unless they are interested. Sometimes, co-workers might be friendly to women co-workers but ask yourself if it makes sense for this guy to be that friendly. Is he more friendly to you than other women? Do you have dealings with him? Because if you don't then he has no reason to be friendly. Women, faaaaaaaaaar too often, do not realize how men just do not want to be just friends with women. Those of us that do, are called a "b" for trying to communicate our lack of interest.

But then there is also this:

Originally Posted by Sparko
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Here is the short form of the story:

1) We met in person in a group, there was great chemistry. We stayed in-touch long-distance via FB and text (which he mostly initiated).

2) After nearly many months of just phone and text, I tell him I like him via e-mail and he proceeded to ignore me for a month. After I corner him for an answer of how he feels about me, he tells me he'd rather keep it platonic.

So, which one is it? I personally think men enjoy the company of women they are not attracted to.

**Pandemonium** · 10-02-2011, 05:27 AM

Well if my good hot female friend, whom I have no romantic feelings for, came up to me and said she wanted to have a wild night of sex, I would have no problems.

Further more, I don't have any female friends I would deem unattractive.

**house cat** · 10-02-2011, 05:46 AM

If a man and woman are very close friends and enjoy spending time together, you can bet he's at least thought about it (and she probably has too), whether or not he would ever act on it. There's just no escaping the man/woman vibes, unless maybe they've grown up together their whole lives or something.

I've felt attraction to all of the close male friends I've had (probably because of the mental and personality compatibility + the fact that they are men). In some cases it's developed into a relationship and in other cases, not, due to external factors (they are already in a relationship, etc.). If it were the latter I would never be open about my attraction so as not to make things awkward going forward.

**Tacitus** · 10-02-2011, 05:48 AM

Deciding he'd rather keep it platonic does not mean he feels no attraction.
He could have someone else in his life or he might feel this isn't a good time in his life to be getting romantically involved with a woman.

That said, I think its entirely possible (not sure on the frequency), for a man to be enjoy a woman's company and not be sexually attracted.

Claiming a man only has reason to be friendly to a woman if he is attracted is the equivalent of saying a man only has reason to be friendly to other men if he is attracted.

**zibber** · 10-02-2011, 05:53 AM

I'm not going to engage in a dating dance with any person I find attractive.

**Doomination** · 10-02-2011, 06:12 AM

my girlfriend is good friends with a gay male.. I don't think there's any attraction between the two.

**zibber** · 10-02-2011, 06:13 AM

Well, but homos don't count.

**AnaK** · 10-02-2011, 06:17 AM

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well, but homos don't count.

Hahaha That's true. I should have specified that. In fact, I've known women who assume a guy is gay if he doesn't make a pass after a certain amount of time. (I'm not that conceited to think it's impossible for a straight man to be around me and not be attracted.)

Dancingqueen · 10-02-2011, 06:25 AM

When I met my husband, he showed me that all my male "friends" were actually trying to get into my pants. Naively I hadn't a clue beforehand. I'm still friends with a precious few of them now that they're married (two to be precise). It's hard for me to reconcile the question of why they are still friends with me when they KNOW there is no chance of getting into my pants. I suppose the relationship has developed over the last 20 years so attraction (on their part) has long faded from the friendship. I suppose the ones who only wanted to get into my pants are no longer my friends, though still naively, I miss their friendship. In a roundabout way, it is possible to be "just friends" with the opposite sex, even if there is attraction as long as both parties accept the fact that the attraction will stay only in their minds.
I appreciate opposite sex friendships because I feel that the friend has my back (loyalty) and they don't try to compete with me on any level.

**John01** · 10-02-2011, 06:29 AM

I have many women friends to whom I'm not at all romantically or physically attracted.

**Sethis** · 10-02-2011, 06:35 AM

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I personally think men enjoy the company of women they are not attracted to.

Correct. But it gets more complicated with women they are attracted to. If you meet a beautiful woman attraction is there to some degree whether you like it or not. It's natural.

That doesn't mean I'm gonna drag every attractive woman I see to my cave. There are consequences and therefore one has to sometimes follow the social rules.

**OwnyTony** · 10-02-2011, 06:39 AM

this is a generalization but i think guys who are more "honest" or considerate fill category 1. I say that this is the majority of men as there are more betas. Guys who favor more options and have gotten more "sophisticated" in the realm of social thought may reason its better to think of self interest

**Shoshana** · 10-02-2011, 06:56 AM

I'm going to acknowledge there are exceptions. In my experience, however, a man befriends women because of attraction. The two indivdiuals might not see the attraction going anywhere but I think it's a way for a guy to keep his options open.

**zibber** · 10-02-2011, 07:06 AM

	Originally Posted by Dancingqueen To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's hard for me to reconcile the question of why they are still friends with me when they KNOW there is no chance of getting into my pants.

Weird.

It's almost as if all human interaction wasn't based on sexual predation.

**mieu** · 10-02-2011, 07:09 AM

What if he's GAY!?

**Zebu Fellenz** · 10-02-2011, 07:11 AM

I enjoy the company of some women who I am not attracted to in a physical way. However in those cases it's almost always because I'm attracted to her in other ways (personality, intelligence, ethics...)

However I am physically attracted to most of the women who I'm friends with.

I fit well into the first category, I'm only friendly if I'm interested, but my interest isn't always a physical/sexual interest.

**Purgatid** · 10-02-2011, 07:17 AM

	Originally Posted by John01 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have many women friends to whom I'm not at all romantically or physically attracted.

Same. There's no interest, never was. Can't speak for them, but I've never seen anything suggesting they'd be interested in me. And I sure as hell haven't had any interest in them. Are they attractive? Some of them. I just don't... Dunno. Never thought about it, they're not the sort, or something. They're all bright people, I just... Don't think of them like that.

I wonder if there's a correlation between age and the assumption that there has to be sexual tension.

**ZincLysine** · 10-02-2011, 07:39 AM

	Originally Posted by Purgatid To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I wonder if there's a correlation between age and the assumption that there has to be sexual tension.

This. I would like to have more female friends. However, there is an air of vanity about some of them that they believe you are after them. I only have one female friend and she's no where near the level of friendship as my guy friends because she enjoys being chased by two other guys. I noticed we got on better when she had a boyfriend and thus was 'not available.'

However, she talks at me as if I was chasing her. She's very attractive, however I'm married so I would never make the effort in that way. Even if she said "come fuck me silly," I'd say no. Unless I could get my wife involved!

I'd rather we were friends and just chilled out. I'm straight, and I have no trouble acknowledging some my guy friends are more handsome than me. Maybe they should be concerned I'm trying to get in their pants?

I've also noticed, if a girl knows I only ever thought of her as a potential friend, she actually has little interest in the friendship back. The women I've known like to be chased or they won't be around at all for you to even talk to.

Having a female friend who can help me figure my lady out once in a while is great. And it lets you think in a different way from round your guy friends or your lover. When you're single and going out, they're a cool wingman and they appreciate having a guy pal around to fall back on from weird dudes.

You work with guys/gals, yet outside of there, suddenly you're trying it on with every growler, bat cave and crawl space out there.

In answer to your Q:
Is a man ever just friends with a woman, without any attraction?
Yes they can be, if the girl isn't immature and wants constant sexual attention from guys.

**Nicole1975** · 10-02-2011, 07:41 AM

	Originally Posted by Shoshana To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm going to acknowledge there are exceptions. In my experience, however, a man befriends women because of attraction. The two indivdiuals might not see the attraction going anywhere but I think it's a way for a guy to keep his options open.

This.

Men like to keep "options lined up" in case they get dumped or their girl gets too fat or whatever. I think, as someone said, the guy in the first post wasn't looking to redeem that "option" at that time. Perhaps, he was redeeming someone thinner, younger, or richer....

**AnaK** · 10-02-2011, 07:48 AM

At work, guys come by to talk to me a lot. On most jobs this is the case. There is no way they are all interested in me, or even most. Not even the single guys are interested in me. I think they just like talking to someone and I think maybe I'm better at conversation than a lot of people. And the job is boring and they want to kill time.

**Nicole1975** · 10-02-2011, 07:53 AM

I won't say that *ALL* men have ulterior motives. However, I think that far more do than 95% of all women realize do. One of the strange things about the Orthodox Jewish community is that men and women aren't really supposed to be friends (ok, that's not strange) but, what is strange is the number of guy friends that I have who I will honestly say are not looking to get with me. However, there is an obsession with the need to be set up instead of meeting on your own. So, I am 35 with many, many guy friends in their 20's. I'm "safe" because men don't date women 10 years older than themselves. There's this idea that one of us might be able to find "the one" for the other. Also, as many of them didn't socialize with women (other than relatives), until all too recently, they pick my brain on how to improve their dating and such.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 07:04 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	At work, guys come by to talk to me a lot. On most jobs this is the case. There is no way they are all interested in me, or even most. Not even the single guys are interested in me. I think they just like talking to someone and I think maybe I'm better at conversation than a lot of people. And the job is boring and they want to kill time.

It also could be that they find it handy to be on your good side. I find that when I've been a receptionist, everyone is really friendly. I also have been asked to divulge the company secrets that tend to fall into the receptionist's lap... ahem, ears.. When I handed out pay checks, I had men giving me chocolate and stuff.... it wasn't because they were into me. It was because they were hoping I would bend the rules and give them their check early.

When I worked as the secretary in an IT department, same thing, the building was extra friendly in the elevator. Why? They weren't ALL trying to get with me. They figured I would get their computer fixed faster if I liked them. This was potentially true... as I could ask one of the guys to take the call that I had just put in a work order for or I could put the order in and the guys get it when they get it from the computer.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 07:10 AM ----------

"Is a man ever just friends with a woman, without any attraction? "

BTW, I don't like your wording on this question. I actually felt that I honestly had to vote "yes." However, the vast majority of the time, I think men aren't *just* friends with women. Women should evaluate their male friends and see if he has any logical reason to be friends with them, especially if he is too good of a friend and offers to help with too many things.

I became this cynical because tooo toooo many guys have proved me wrong.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 07:12 AM ----------

The *ever* gave me trouble.

You know what they say, "never say never."

**zibber** · 10-02-2011, 09:20 AM

Well, yeah, but we can't be expected constantly to specify what we're talking about.

ps. What is with this are/are business?

**Shoshana** · 10-02-2011, 09:26 AM

When I think of the friends issue, it's more than having friendly rapport at work. It's about men trying to incorporate themselves into your personal life, asking you out to dinner etc...under the guise of friendship.

**AnaK** · 10-02-2011, 09:31 AM

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well, yeah, but we can't be expected constantly to specify what we're talking about. ps. What is with this are/are business?

'are'/ 'are not'

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 12:36 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Nicole1975 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It also could be that they find it handy to be on your good side.

I don't know how I could help them?

BTW, I don't like your wording on this question. I actually felt that I honestly had to vote "yes." However, the vast majority of the time, I think men aren't *just* friends with women. Women should evaluate their male friends and see if he has any logical reason to be friends with them, especially if he is too good of a friend and offers to help with too many things.

I became this cynical because tooo toooo many guys have proved me wrong.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 07:12 AM ----------

The *ever* gave me trouble.

You know what they say, "never say never."

Yeah, I should not have been so concrete maybe.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 12:37 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by Shoshana To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	When I think of the friends issue, it's more than having friendly rapport at work. It's about men trying to incorporate themselves into your personal life, asking you out to dinner etc...under the guise of friendship.

Yeah, one guy who kept stopping by my desk asked me out for beers, and I took that as a come on.

**Distance** · 10-02-2011, 09:51 AM

Awkward question and one that can't be generally answered, unless you can read minds. I have guy friends in real life and cyberspace. In the past, had a male friend attempt rape.

How I've resolved this within myself is that unless a guy makes it my problem if he's even attracted, is something he has to resolve within himself. In the interim, not going to allow concern or fear to erode on either existing friendships or potential friendships. And to assume that every guy friend is attracted, is narcissistic since men are individuals and if they have urges, most can control them.

This "men can't be friends with women" is perhaps one of projection. More accurately, some men can't be friends with women.

View Poll Results: Is a man ever just friends with a woman, without any attraction?
Yes	124	71.68%
No	49	28.32%
Voters: 173. You may not vote on this poll

10-02-2011, 05:27 AM	#2
Pandemonium Veteran Member [53%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 2,120	Well if my good hot female friend, whom I have no romantic feelings for, came up to me and said she wanted to have a wild night of sex, I would have no problems. Further more, I don't have any female friends I would deem unattractive.
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10-02-2011, 05:46 AM	#3
house cat New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 48	If a man and woman are very close friends and enjoy spending time together, you can bet he's at least thought about it (and she probably has too), whether or not he would ever act on it. There's just no escaping the man/woman vibes, unless maybe they've grown up together their whole lives or something. I've felt attraction to all of the close male friends I've had (probably because of the mental and personality compatibility + the fact that they are men). In some cases it's developed into a relationship and in other cases, not, due to external factors (they are already in a relationship, etc.). If it were the latter I would never be open about my attraction so as not to make things awkward going forward.
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10-02-2011, 05:48 AM	#4
Tacitus New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 67	Deciding he'd rather keep it platonic does not mean he feels no attraction. He could have someone else in his life or he might feel this isn't a good time in his life to be getting romantically involved with a woman. That said, I think its entirely possible (not sure on the frequency), for a man to be enjoy a woman's company and not be sexually attracted. Claiming a man only has reason to be friendly to a woman if he is attracted is the equivalent of saying a man only has reason to be friendly to other men if he is attracted.
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10-02-2011, 05:53 AM	#5
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,303	I'm not going to engage in a dating dance with any person I find attractive.
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10-02-2011, 06:12 AM	#6
Doomination Member [08%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 339	my girlfriend is good friends with a gay male.. I don't think there's any attraction between the two.
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10-02-2011, 06:13 AM	#7
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,303	Well, but homos don't count.
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10-02-2011, 06:25 AM	#9
Dancingqueen Core Member [127%] MBTI: iNTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 5,081	When I met my husband, he showed me that all my male "friends" were actually trying to get into my pants. Naively I hadn't a clue beforehand. I'm still friends with a precious few of them now that they're married (two to be precise). It's hard for me to reconcile the question of why they are still friends with me when they KNOW there is no chance of getting into my pants. I suppose the relationship has developed over the last 20 years so attraction (on their part) has long faded from the friendship. I suppose the ones who only wanted to get into my pants are no longer my friends, though still naively, I miss their friendship. In a roundabout way, it is possible to be "just friends" with the opposite sex, even if there is attraction as long as both parties accept the fact that the attraction will stay only in their minds. I appreciate opposite sex friendships because I feel that the friend has my back (loyalty) and they don't try to compete with me on any level.
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10-02-2011, 06:29 AM	#10
John01 Core Member [112%] MBTI: INTx Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 4,519	I have many women friends to whom I'm not at all romantically or physically attracted.
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10-02-2011, 06:39 AM	#12
OwnyTony Banned MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 422	this is a generalization but i think guys who are more "honest" or considerate fill category 1. I say that this is the majority of men as there are more betas. Guys who favor more options and have gotten more "sophisticated" in the realm of social thought may reason its better to think of self interest
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10-02-2011, 06:56 AM	#13
Shoshana Member [27%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 1,106	I'm going to acknowledge there are exceptions. In my experience, however, a man befriends women because of attraction. The two indivdiuals might not see the attraction going anywhere but I think it's a way for a guy to keep his options open.
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10-02-2011, 07:09 AM	#15
mieu Core Member [183%] $/)^3^(\$ MBTI: xNTx Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 7,359	What if he's GAY!?
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10-02-2011, 07:11 AM	#16
Zebu Fellenz New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 66	I enjoy the company of some women who I am not attracted to in a physical way. However in those cases it's almost always because I'm attracted to her in other ways (personality, intelligence, ethics...) However I am physically attracted to most of the women who I'm friends with. I fit well into the first category, I'm only friendly if I'm interested, but my interest isn't always a physical/sexual interest.
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10-02-2011, 07:48 AM	#20
AnaK Core Member [116%] MBTI: XNFP Join Date: Jan 2011 Posts: 4,673	At work, guys come by to talk to me a lot. On most jobs this is the case. There is no way they are all interested in me, or even most. Not even the single guys are interested in me. I think they just like talking to someone and I think maybe I'm better at conversation than a lot of people. And the job is boring and they want to kill time.
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10-02-2011, 09:20 AM	#22
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,303	Well, yeah, but we can't be expected constantly to specify what we're talking about. ps. What is with this are/are business?
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10-02-2011, 09:26 AM	#23
Shoshana Member [27%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 1,106	When I think of the friends issue, it's more than having friendly rapport at work. It's about men trying to incorporate themselves into your personal life, asking you out to dinner etc...under the guise of friendship.
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10-02-2011, 09:51 AM	#25
Distance Core Member [412%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 16,488	Awkward question and one that can't be generally answered, unless you can read minds. I have guy friends in real life and cyberspace. In the past, had a male friend attempt rape. How I've resolved this within myself is that unless a guy makes it my problem if he's even attracted, is something he has to resolve within himself. In the interim, not going to allow concern or fear to erode on either existing friendships or potential friendships. And to assume that every guy friend is attracted, is narcissistic since men are individuals and if they have urges, most can control them. This "men can't be friends with women" is perhaps one of projection. More accurately, some men can't be friends with women.
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