Reply
Thread Tools
Needing space None
Old 09-14-2011, 10:34 AM   #1
Leesh
Core Member [170%]
Farming: A bunch of organized catastrophes that result in a lifestyle
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6,831
 
Do any of you ever feel, not really guilty, but, really aware that the space you need, ie ALONE time is hurtful to your significant other? Do you try to balance what they need from you with what you need for yourself? Is there a way to tell the significant other to buzz off, beat it, I'm needing to left alone be for awhile? Do you get...agrivated, when they ask 'well how much do you need?' or my favorite 'Oh ok, Im sorry, I didnt realize." Does it annoy any of you when they just cant figure it out without being told?
Leesh is offline
Reply With Quote

Old 09-14-2011, 10:58 AM   #2
zibber
Core Member [484%]
 
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 19,380
 
Big Achilles heel, here.

If I can get personal time without asking, it feels like personal time and I recharge wonderfully.

If I have to explain introversion and somehow negotiate personal time, it's completely useless.
zibber is online
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 11:06 AM   #3
MaxXXVII
Banned
 
MBTI: INTX
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 28
 
Don't feel bad or guilty. Everyone needs alone time to think, reflect etc...
Introverts much more so. Your SO. more than likely just has a need to be fulfilled.
What do they need or require? If they are happy and satisfied, they will require less time.
MaxXXVII is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 11:36 AM   #4
Muse
Veteran Member [90%]
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,607
 
People can't read minds, so I don't expect them to. I opt for maturity and direct(yet tactful/considerate) communication. It's more effective and fair than assuming someone close to me should magically know what I need and when, and then getting upset when they don't. I learned this lesson when I was about 17, and my presumptuous behavior hurt her. I was blinded by my personal struggles at home, and did not realize my crudeness until I reflected on it. I immediately gave her a heart felt apology, and changed my ways.

When I get close to someone, it's not all about me anymore, it's about 'us'. Our actions can effect others, and can contradict our intentions. So I try to stay aware. Nothing wrong with needing alone time, but pursuing it properly makes things way easier
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Muse is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 12:01 PM   #5
Large Coffee
Member [19%]
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 762
 
This very issue is one that caused me to break up my marriage. I asked many times to be allowed time to myself, do do what I want/need, and to have it facilitated, and when he continued to be selfish and walk all over me, well.

If you need the me-time, then take it. Explain that you need me-time. If your SO is so insecure as to start questioning why you have to have time to yourself, re-evaluate your relationship.
Large Coffee is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 12:30 PM   #6
Purgatid
Veteran Member [64%]
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,563
 
This is why having an INTJ GF is great. I'll tell her "sweetness, I'm having a social overload, I need to recharge" and she knows what I mean and leave me alone. And she does this too. She says "I don't feel like spending time with you right now" and I don't get upset, because I'm the same way. There's no drama, no confusment, no misunderstanding. She just tells me when she needs to lock herself in a room and be alone, and I do the same. Explaining this to an E is near impossible. They'll feel insulted or rejected when you need alone time.
Purgatid is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 04:42 PM   #7
storm eyes
Core Member [163%]
"catching bullets in my teeth"
MBTI: INFJ
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,543
 
I used to spend so much time in my car, I know the car parks of every coffee shop within 20 miles of my house. It was so hard for me to find any time to recharge, I think that is why I was an insomniac for so many years, just lately I have been able to sleep, which is weird and novel.

I got "are you okay", "what are you thinking" "are you mad" drip, drip, drip...

I am not effected by anyone saying to me "I need time alone". I get it.
storm eyes is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 04:59 PM   #8
Merryn
Member [02%]
MBTI: ENFP
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 93
 
Although I'm an ENFP, I need what is probably considered a ridiculous amount of "me" time. But conversation wears me out and I need a lot of time to recharge.

I never think of it as much as alone time so much as freedom to do what I need to do, to be the best me I can be. I think most people, unless they're compulsively needy, understand that.
Merryn is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 05:05 PM   #9
plotthickens
Core Member [799%]
Don't stick beans up your nose.
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31,999
 
Oh HELL FUCK YES.

I usually send him to the store or the movies or something. They like feeling useful. Then I get my alone time and he feels like he saved the day.


To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


 
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the
white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
and don't bother leaving the light on

plotthickens is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 06:37 PM   #10
Leesh
Core Member [170%]
Farming: A bunch of organized catastrophes that result in a lifestyle
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6,831
 
Hmmmm. Maybe it is me then. Alot going on just now, and truthfully i deal w sh...things better when its just me. Hes not clingy, actually tests as an intj, but he definately hangs around me more than vice versa. I think i may just be overwelmed and not used to having someone underfoot while i deal w everything. Thankyou for your responses, quite helpful.
Leesh is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 06:39 PM   #11
plotthickens
Core Member [799%]
Don't stick beans up your nose.
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31,999
 
Get in your car and go drive somewhere. You need to think.
plotthickens is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2011, 07:35 PM   #12
Warrior
Core Member [331%]
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 13,267
 

  Originally Posted by Leesh
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Do any of you ever feel, not really guilty, but, really aware that the space you need, ie ALONE time is hurtful to your significant other? Do you try to balance what they need from you with what you need for yourself?

It isn't really hurtful, but I do everything I can to not present my need as something that conflicts with both our needs to spend time together. I try to manage my time to myself when my wife would not be around anyway. For example, when she works, she goes to bed a lot earlier than me anyway. She also works some nights.

 
Is there a way to tell the significant other to buzz off, beat it, I'm needing to left alone be for awhile?

You could talk about it like adults and not put it in terms usually found on a playground.

 
Do you get...agrivated, when they ask 'well how much do you need?' or my favorite 'Oh ok, Im sorry, I didnt realize." Does it annoy any of you when they just cant figure it out without being told?

No. My wife isn't a mind reader. Sometimes she can tell I need some time to myself but other times it is not so obvious. If she isn't going to need me and I am not otherwise engaged, I ask if it is okay if I leave for a while or go downstairs to read or watch TV.

Warrior is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 08:15 AM   #13
lifesight
Core Member [320%]
a foreigner and a dreamer
MBTI: INFP
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,823
 
I hated when i have to explain to others why i have to take a time alone and I hate it more when others try to figure out "why" or "what is wrong" and yes it irritates me when others ask me "for how long?".
I am aware though that a good communication is important, so there is nothing wrong in telling the other when i will be back and if i didn't know i will simply reply "once i am ready, it can be a day or more"
I am aware how it can be hurtful to others, I do my best to explain to them that it is not personal, but the more i explain to others the more i end up wanting to shut them out.

Also it is important to tell the person that you want some time off, but not negotiate it or comprise it, but just make them aware before you act.
lifesight is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 08:20 AM   #14
gecko
Member [40%]
 
MBTI: INFP
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,606
 

  Originally Posted by zibber
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Big Achilles heel, here.

If I can get personal time without asking, it feels like personal time and I recharge wonderfully.

If I have to explain introversion and somehow negotiate personal time, it's completely useless.

[I've concluded that] such explanations, if pressured, should never be given.

gecko is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 10:05 AM   #15
Leesh
Core Member [170%]
Farming: A bunch of organized catastrophes that result in a lifestyle
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6,831
 

  Originally Posted by lifesight
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I am aware how it can be hurtful to others, I do my best to explain to them that it is not personal, but the more i explain to others the more i end up wanting to shut them out.

Ditto. Im not stupid, and I know people aren't mind readers. However, when someone says "I need space" I dont give them 20 questions either, I shrug and think: "cool" "more time for myself"
My SO is an introvert as well, just not as introverted. He can spend his alone time with me, and have it be satisfactory. I on the other hand dont get satisfaction unless Im by myself. He IS okay with this, doesnt ask 50 questions, its more that I know he needs more time with me, Im just not that good and being joined at the hip. We live together, so for me, the hours outside of work are way more than sufficient. He on the other hand likes to text all day, call twice or three times, it just wears me out. I know it is ME, Im wondering now, after reading various responses here, how to get more satisfaction from alone time with him? I care for him, and dont want him to feel unfulfilled.

Leesh is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 10:12 AM   #16
lifesight
Core Member [320%]
a foreigner and a dreamer
MBTI: INFP
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,823
 
I sometimes need an alone time from specific things, i do not necessarily stay alone, but the things that usually drain me or are intense and overwhelming, I take some time off from for a while.
I've always been afraid of the idea of living with someone, because i have no idea how the other person would take it if i didn't want to sleep beside him or stay with him for a while :P

I do not think your SO would be unfulfilled, think of it as a long run thing and maybe try to explain it this way, if you were drained (because of the lack of good time alone, the type you need) you wouldn't be able to have the energy to give to him and create joyful times with him.
lifesight is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 10:19 AM   #17
Leesh
Core Member [170%]
Farming: A bunch of organized catastrophes that result in a lifestyle
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6,831
 
Thats pretty awesome Lifesight. Very apt way of describing it too. Thankyou!
Leesh is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 10:20 AM   #18
Muse
Veteran Member [90%]
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,607
 
Discipline. Sometimes you have to make due with what is feasible. People don't like it, but a bit of dedication despite your opposing emotions could be the difference between you being happy over all, and you losing things that are important to you. Pretty much applies to everything; relationships, jobs, hobbies, physical fitness...

A good example is vacations. I know they are good for me. I know once i get there i am extremely glad i did, at some point. But that couple of days before when i'm thinking/feeling to myself "damn do i really want to go? Ugh all this stuff i gotta prepare, ugh i don't really feel like going anywhere.. cant i just vacation in my living room? whats so great about ships and planes and other countries..."

But i push through it and keep to my plan, and end up extremely happy that i did. Some people never gain the determination to get out of ruts like that, and unfortunately they stay in the gutter because of it.
Muse is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 10:38 AM   #19
plotthickens
Core Member [799%]
Don't stick beans up your nose.
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31,999
 

  Originally Posted by Leesh
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Ditto. Im not stupid, and I know people aren't mind readers. However, when someone says "I need space" I dont give them 20 questions either, I shrug and think: "cool" "more time for myself"
My SO is an introvert as well, just not as introverted. He can spend his alone time with me, and have it be satisfactory. I on the other hand dont get satisfaction unless Im by myself. He IS okay with this, doesnt ask 50 questions, its more that I know he needs more time with me, Im just not that good and being joined at the hip. We live together, so for me, the hours outside of work are way more than sufficient. He on the other hand likes to text all day, call twice or three times, it just wears me out. I know it is ME, Im wondering now, after reading various responses here, how to get more satisfaction from alone time with him? I care for him, and dont want him to feel unfulfilled.

This is what I'd do.

"Look, loverboy, I'm fucking exhausted. It's been a rough year, a fuck of a quarter, and a month of hell. It's really nice that you're all up in my armpit with the love and the love and the love, but I really need more space or I'm going to fall through my own bunghole.

"So these are your options.

  1. One evening of peace every week. I don't care where you go, just don't come home, call or text between 4 and 10. Have a nice night.
  2. No calling or texting while I'm alone. Period.
  3. (other option)
  4. (other option)
"Which one do you want? And while we're at it, anything I can do for you?"
plotthickens is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 04:53 PM   #20
dahlia
New Member [01%]
Es muss sein
MBTI: eNfP
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 73
 
But when does it going from healthy alone time to being isolationist? My last relationship broke up over this reason. I was fine with giving him his space, but over time he seemed to need more and more to the point where I would see him for maybe a few hours every week or two. At that point, I don't think that it is selfish at all to want to spend more time with your SO. In fact, I think that it was selfish on his part for him to want me to stay committed to someone who made hardly any time to for me.
I am not a needy person and had previously been in a relationship with someone in the armed forces who would leave for months at a time and I was fine with that. Even though I am an enfp, I would consider that I need more "me" time than the average person as well. Still, it got to the point that I felt as if I was hardly in a relationship and he only wanted to see me when it was convenient for him... it almost seemed like I was a FWB and was not receiving the time needed to satisfy my physical and emotional needs. So my question is, how do you know when, as stated in a previous post, you are selfishly hogging someone's time or when your SO is being neglectful with their time? It seems a fine balance and I do not profess to know the answer. I'm sure that every relationship is different.
dahlia is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 05:10 PM   #21
CookMySock
New Member [01%]
 
MBTI: ENFP
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 48
 
I dont agree with the space thing. I think in a relationship couples should talk things over and engage in conversation with each other to fix the issues that are bothersome instead of isolating yourself.

The world we live in today is too connected/intertwined to the internet. People may say they want to be alone but what really happens to them when they "lock themselves" in their room? They go on the internet to some forum and discuss their problems with some random stranger when they can have the same conversation with the person they just told to leave them alone.

Now I know this doesnt apply to everyone, where some people may just enjoy some downtime by reading a book, working out, going to watch a movie alone, but in general I think that the less you worry about the problems you may think you have, the less you will have to deal with them and the more time you will have to enjoy life.

Im the type where if Im having a bad day with person A, I will make sure that person B's activities with me for that day are not affected because of what person A did to me or made me feel. Never bring your problems to another person or show weakness, I think it just makes those who are closest to you feel helpless and starting to wonder, " I wonder why I cant help"
CookMySock is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 05:23 PM   #22
plotthickens
Core Member [799%]
Don't stick beans up your nose.
MBTI: INTJ
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 31,999
 

  Originally Posted by dahlia
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
So my question is, how do you know when, as stated in a previous post, you are selfishly hogging someone's time or when your SO is being neglectful with their time?

When someone has a problem.


  Originally Posted by CookMySock
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I dont agree with the space thing. I think in a relationship couples should talk things over and engage in conversation with each other to fix the issues that are bothersome instead of isolating yourself.

 
Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone

plotthickens is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 05:28 PM   #23
Distance
Core Member [555%]
Slacker, the shadow gen.
MBTI: eNTj
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 22,222
 
When I need space, I take it without apology.
Distance is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 05:29 PM   #24
lifesight
Core Member [320%]
a foreigner and a dreamer
MBTI: INFP
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,823
 

  Originally Posted by CookMySock
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I dont agree with the space thing. I think in a relationship couples should talk things over and engage in conversation with each other to fix the issues that are bothersome instead of isolating yourself.

The world we live in today is too connected/intertwined to the internet. People may say they want to be alone but what really happens to them when they "lock themselves" in their room? They go on the internet to some forum and discuss their problems with some random stranger when they can have the same conversation with the person they just told to leave them alone.

Now I know this doesnt apply to everyone, where some people may just enjoy some downtime by reading a book, working out, going to watch a movie alone, but in general I think that the less you worry about the problems you may think you have, the less you will have to deal with them and the more time you will have to enjoy life.

I just want to point out two things, First there doesn't have to be a problem or an issue to take time alone, things could be going great and the introvert would still need time alone. (this is also irritating when people assume so every time)

second, sometimes a third person (maybe more objective) can help bringing some new insight or perspective to the situation.
Also venting on the forum could be a healthy way to let out stress, instead of constantly venting to the person (which might also drain the other person). Though this does not imply that the problem should not be discussed with the person.

lifesight is offline
Reply With Quote
Old 09-16-2011, 05:37 PM   #25
CookMySock
New Member [01%]
 
MBTI: ENFP
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 48
 
I think the extrovert/introvert labeling is just unnecessary when you are dealing with a relationship, especially your SO.

A couple should be connected to each other in every way possible, to be able to understand each others feelings and to help each one another become better mentally and emotionally in all scenarios. When one is alone, is the person really just sitting there meditating in isolation, or just talking to a different party.

Isolating energy can be obtained on the foothills of the Himalayas as a Buddhist monk in Nepal. I think in our lives, when something is bothering you or you have some problem, spend some time with someone that cares about you and work it out. Friends are always there to listen, you just have to give them a chance. Isolation is not the key to happiness. Before the internet even came to exist, people would look forward to social gatherings or go to places where many people would be to engage in active real life conversation. Today we can lock ourselves in a bathroom sitting on a toilet and be in a chat room with people from China and South Africa at the same time from our phones.


Introverts are the same people that wont talk to you for their problems but will open up to a Psychiatrist or a Social Therapist who honestly pretends to care, but really is making 300,000$ a year from just listening to your problems and prescribing you sleep medication.
CookMySock is offline
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:23 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, Myers-Briggs, and MBTI are trademarks or registered trademarks of the
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Trust in the United States and other countries.