Dating Advice?

**Cabanagirl** · 08-04-2011, 05:47 PM

So I've been single for two years and am getting sick of it. I dumped my last boyfriend after it turned out he'd been concealing his criminal conviction/pedophilia record from me. He was my first real relationship. I've had opportunities for others, but mostly I wasn't interested because I thought school was more important than love.

Now, I'm having absolutely no luck. My social circle is nil. I work in a two-person business with a senior citizen, so it's not as if I have any hot co-workers. There is no bar scene in the town I'm living in, and the single males left my age (27) tend to be drastically overweight. I'm a svelte 126 pounds myself and not at all bad looking, and so I expect at least a modicum of attractiveness in another.

I've tried online dating and had no luck (your average profile-writer seems illiterate). I've tried speed dating (otherwise known as 'how to be rejected by ten men in a row'). Boys who seem excited about asking me out never call me back post-date. Obviously, there's a problem with my social skills. The few friends I've had have told me I'm 'too intimidating'. So I guess I need to be...less self-confident? Hide my photographic memory? Try to simper more? I don't know.

I was hoping some INTJ females in successful relationships could offer advice on how to navigate the dating scene. There are obviously some social signals I'm not sending, or perhaps getting, and it's very frustrating because I can't figure out what they are. I'm thinking of tracking down some kind of dating coach and hiring them to watch me and tell me what I'm doing wrong because the only thing I can't figure out is maybe I'm not showing enthusiasm/using my facial muscles enough. I have classic sleepy eyes and so it's an effort just shaping my face into a normal, welcoming expression. Other girls seem incredibly excited about everything their boyfriend tells them, and I'm just...not. So maybe it's that. Maybe I just look bored all the time.

Sorry for the rambling.

**babsa** · 08-04-2011, 06:17 PM

Looks like you aren't a very fun kind of person. Maybe because you were explaining a tough situation you had, but you come across as not being humorous or fun at all - which could be the farthest from the truth. Where is it that you live? Like what state?

**Sparkx** · 08-04-2011, 06:22 PM

I get told I look mean and serious a lot, but really it's because I'm probably thinking some heavy thoughts and not smiling and giggling like usual females walking around...as far as dating just go to the places where your ideal "type" of guy would hang out (coffee shop? sports bar?- even if you have to travel out of your normal town area).

Intimidating could mean you're not appearing friendly and outgoing maybe? Just smile- nothing too forced- and ask a lot of open ended questions for the guy to answer. Don't not be yourself of course, but put the friendliest side forward.

Oh and a good flirting tip I learned, all guys love to cute argue. It's like verbal foreplay. Find out his fav sports team then support an opposing team, or debate what bands are better. Stuff like that, aggressively friendly but interesting.

**Ilara** · 08-04-2011, 06:24 PM

Step 1: locate a pool of more acceptable men
Step 2: socialize with said pool of more acceptable men
Step 3: ???
Step 4: profit

... You don't speak particularly highly of your prospective partners, so even if we give you advice about finding a guy you probably wouldn't use it on any of the men around you, right? So the first thing to do would be to locate men of greater interest to you (or to look more closely/openmindedly at the men available). What sort of men that would be will be for you to figure out. Best of luck.

**therrirl** · 08-04-2011, 07:08 PM

I'd say it depends on where you are and "how you have screened online guys". This makes a big difference, you may have been tossing the good ones out from bad personal opinions before giving them a shot. Another thing is how "confined" is you dating arena?

**Zethariel** · 08-04-2011, 11:10 PM

Recently I've learned that this:


	I'd say it depends on where you are and "how you have screened online guys". This makes a big difference, you may have been tossing the good ones out from bad personal opinions before giving them a shot.

Is a very powerfull truth. Especially online. Seeing how I try and "sell" myself in online interactions, I just seem bland, bored and uninterested. I'm boldly assuming you are not interested in the extraverted types -- introverts are more likelly either screened out as being unfriendly or just stay out of sight. It's really frustrating -- the first time I got to speak to a really nice girl was here, on the forums, and it was by chance.

I would second Ilara's advice -- you should try and look in places where you are more likelly to find like-minded people, even if it's out of town. Experience shows me that the further people are from me, the better I get along with them. So I guess I'll be looking for my wife in Japan.

Some might disagree with me, but I think there is no problem with who you are and you needn't change or seek advice. I've learned that by speaking with the INTJ girl I mentioned -- there is little to no awkwardness and we understand each other the way it's meant to be. I guess it's due to the fact that we think in the same patterns and put emphasis on the same things, thus being able to transmit and receive signals correctly.

**Cabanagirl** · 08-04-2011, 11:41 PM

I live in Utah. The way to socialize here is to go to church activities, which normally involves basketball. Lots and lots of basketball. I never lacked for a social life in Oregon, where I used to live, but here is...difficult.

And it's true--I am no fun. My idea of fun is arguing about the best way to reduce the deficit, playing Settlers of Cataan, or watching Code Geass. I also like Argentine tango dancing and Science Fiction conventions. If my first dates could involve light-saber fights or ganchos, I think I'd get a lot more dating mileage, but just talking is soooo not my forte.

**Zethariel** · 08-05-2011, 12:03 AM

	Originally Posted by Cabanagirl To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And it's true--I am no fun. My idea of fun is arguing about the best way to reduce the deficit, playing Settlers of Cataan, or watching Code Geass. I also like Argentine tango dancing and Science Fiction conventions. If my first dates could involve light-saber fights or ganchos, I think I'd get a lot more dating mileage, but just talking is soooo not my forte.

That's exactly the way of fun I'd go for as well (give or take a few details, but in general, that is far better than a regular date)
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

**Haumea** · 08-05-2011, 04:55 AM

Why do you imply that you need to be involved with males "your age" (if not, then please clarify.) You may consider widening your pool of prospective boyfriends by including men upto at least 40.

08-04-2011, 05:47 PM	#1
Cabanagirl New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 3	So I've been single for two years and am getting sick of it. I dumped my last boyfriend after it turned out he'd been concealing his criminal conviction/pedophilia record from me. He was my first real relationship. I've had opportunities for others, but mostly I wasn't interested because I thought school was more important than love. Now, I'm having absolutely no luck. My social circle is nil. I work in a two-person business with a senior citizen, so it's not as if I have any hot co-workers. There is no bar scene in the town I'm living in, and the single males left my age (27) tend to be drastically overweight. I'm a svelte 126 pounds myself and not at all bad looking, and so I expect at least a modicum of attractiveness in another. I've tried online dating and had no luck (your average profile-writer seems illiterate). I've tried speed dating (otherwise known as 'how to be rejected by ten men in a row'). Boys who seem excited about asking me out never call me back post-date. Obviously, there's a problem with my social skills. The few friends I've had have told me I'm 'too intimidating'. So I guess I need to be...less self-confident? Hide my photographic memory? Try to simper more? I don't know. I was hoping some INTJ females in successful relationships could offer advice on how to navigate the dating scene. There are obviously some social signals I'm not sending, or perhaps getting, and it's very frustrating because I can't figure out what they are. I'm thinking of tracking down some kind of dating coach and hiring them to watch me and tell me what I'm doing wrong because the only thing I can't figure out is maybe I'm not showing enthusiasm/using my facial muscles enough. I have classic sleepy eyes and so it's an effort just shaping my face into a normal, welcoming expression. Other girls seem incredibly excited about everything their boyfriend tells them, and I'm just...not. So maybe it's that. Maybe I just look bored all the time. Sorry for the rambling.
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08-04-2011, 06:17 PM	#2
babsa Veteran Member [68%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 2,747	Looks like you aren't a very fun kind of person. Maybe because you were explaining a tough situation you had, but you come across as not being humorous or fun at all - which could be the farthest from the truth. Where is it that you live? Like what state?
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08-04-2011, 06:22 PM	#3
Sparkx New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 61	I get told I look mean and serious a lot, but really it's because I'm probably thinking some heavy thoughts and not smiling and giggling like usual females walking around...as far as dating just go to the places where your ideal "type" of guy would hang out (coffee shop? sports bar?- even if you have to travel out of your normal town area). Intimidating could mean you're not appearing friendly and outgoing maybe? Just smile- nothing too forced- and ask a lot of open ended questions for the guy to answer. Don't not be yourself of course, but put the friendliest side forward. Oh and a good flirting tip I learned, all guys love to cute argue. It's like verbal foreplay. Find out his fav sports team then support an opposing team, or debate what bands are better. Stuff like that, aggressively friendly but interesting.
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08-04-2011, 06:24 PM	#4
Ilara Veteran Member [95%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 3,835	Step 1: locate a pool of more acceptable men Step 2: socialize with said pool of more acceptable men Step 3: ??? Step 4: profit ... You don't speak particularly highly of your prospective partners, so even if we give you advice about finding a guy you probably wouldn't use it on any of the men around you, right? So the first thing to do would be to locate men of greater interest to you (or to look more closely/openmindedly at the men available). What sort of men that would be will be for you to figure out. Best of luck.
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08-04-2011, 07:08 PM	#5
therrirl Member [34%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 1,388	I'd say it depends on where you are and "how you have screened online guys". This makes a big difference, you may have been tossing the good ones out from bad personal opinions before giving them a shot. Another thing is how "confined" is you dating arena?
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08-04-2011, 11:41 PM	#7
Cabanagirl New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 3	I live in Utah. The way to socialize here is to go to church activities, which normally involves basketball. Lots and lots of basketball. I never lacked for a social life in Oregon, where I used to live, but here is...difficult. And it's true--I am no fun. My idea of fun is arguing about the best way to reduce the deficit, playing Settlers of Cataan, or watching Code Geass. I also like Argentine tango dancing and Science Fiction conventions. If my first dates could involve light-saber fights or ganchos, I think I'd get a lot more dating mileage, but just talking is soooo not my forte.
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08-05-2011, 04:55 AM	#9
Haumea Veteran Member [85%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 3,414	Why do you imply that you need to be involved with males "your age" (if not, then please clarify.) You may consider widening your pool of prospective boyfriends by including men upto at least 40.
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