[smashy]

As all INTJ's I'm also very found of my independence and privacy. I like to be social with close friends and family, but I value much my alone time, with myself or with my husband (also an INTJ) so we always try to spend more time alone just the two of us and people always respected our boundaries.

But since I got pregnant 8 months ago, it seems that suddenly we're an "open door". It seems that close family thinks they can now see us more, interfere, as we have now an "obligation" to hang out more with them. I'm getting nuts with this and the baby isn't born yet!

My idea of having a baby is not to have an "open door" where we have to accept others presence often just for them to be part or interact with the baby! Or even less to hear other people telling you what you should do (does any INTJ accepts unsolicited opinions???). My idea of having a baby is pretty much being me and my husband at home with the baby like we want to be. Of course the family can be a part of baby's life, but respecting our bondaries.

For example, I'm now on my last stage of pregnancy and I'm not very social at the time, I just feel like being alone or with my husband and my husband already started receiving phone calls from her mother asking why she's being left out and etc (she's an F), a thing that she never did before! She wants to be more involved with my pregnancy and also after the baby's born that I'm able to let her. To me, this is mine and husband's start of a new family, not mine, husband and mother-in-law! And she has to respect that!

I'm just feeling sad and stressed now with this situation, I just feel like buying a plane ticket to Katemgunshdgeoeo wherever that is and just be alone with no annoying people!

Sorry for the vent but I really want to live my life as I feel like and want and hate to have to meet others needs that I don't care about on such a special time in my life. Am I being selfish? Maybe, but now it's me and my baby first.

[Warrior]

Different people have different expectations in this situation. Some people make out a full schedule and have family staying with them for months after a baby is born. others are more like you and want a little more privacy. It's natural for extended family to want to be involved with a new-born, but it is important to clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations with both sides of your family. It's probably better for your husband to talk to his family and you talk to yours, but however you do it, they need to understand when and where they can be involved. I think it is also important that you let them know that you welcome their involvement, but you need private time with your new family as well and you hope they can work with you to accomplish both of those things.

[undfined]

I had to kick both sets of our parents out of our delivery room. I left for 5 minutes and the vultures snuck in.

One of my first jobs as a father was to enforce those boundaries you speak of. Let them down easy but give them some wins once in a while.

[Monte314]

I agree with both Warrior and undfined. You should accommodate the eagerness of family and friends to some extent, which will sometimes go beyond your comfort level a bit. But they also have to accommodate your need to conserve your emotional energy, which can be drained by unwelcome interaction.

As a new parent, I felt really odd about telling someone else what to do... and I mean the little guy! I had never had to exercise authority over someone else before he was born, or tell someone NO; it was awkward. You probably don't have a lot of experience with that either, but it is something you are about to learn. You can practice on rude visitors!

Hopefully people will be civil enough to back off when you tell them "It's nap time now!", or "baby gets overstimulated by being too long around people besides mom and dad". You'll be able to come up with stuff; those who are parents themselves will understand (but not the baby's Grandmoms).

And if you can't protect yourself, well, then dad has to MAN UP and be DAD, and protect his brood!

[Asocialkat]

Tell them now while you can still claim that your overly-blunt delivery-method was hormones.
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[Aurelia]

First of all congratulations! I remember what it was like being pregnant. Everyone has an opinion on what you should do. Unless it's horror labor stories (put an immediate stop to that) let it go in one ear and out the other. I remember someone seriously asking me if I played with my boobs because they were so much bigger.
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Have your husband talk to your MIL. If you're feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, be sure he emphasizes that she's not to take it personally when you need space. She cannot interpret your need for rest as a sign you're shutting her out. Pregnancy in the last trimester is especially taxing. You need to get enough nutrients, rest and focus yourself mentally on what is to come.

One of best things I did during my pregnancy was listen to these
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. It helped me to tune out the negativity and stress around me. It helped to hear over again that it was ok for me to assert my boundaries, that my baby was healthy and my birthing time was going to be wonderful.

Something else to consider is how you two want to go about things after the baby is born too!

[undfined]

Oh yea, congrats. I keep forgetting stuff like that.

I struggle with grandparents not knowing this stuff. I spoke to my mom for 30 seconds about boundaries and the light bulb turned on.

We've been procreating for how long now? What does it take for other people to realize pregnancy is hard enough. Just leave her alone if she wants to be left alone!

[Haumea]

One way to fend off unwelcome visits is to preemptively visit the people themselves, stay a short while and then leave. Also, if you call them more frequently they might not visit so often.

I have used many of these slimy tricks to keep my parents from coming over so much over the years (love them, but hate the visiting thing.)

[Thinktress]

smashy, congratulations, it is really exciting!

First off, I wouldn't kick everyone out the door until you know how you're going to feel after. You may need more help than you think dependent upon how things go. Or not. Its very hard, especially with your first, to know how all of that is going to pan out in terms of exactly how unGodly tired you're going to be.

But you can definitely say something along the lines of, hey, we don't want to get overwhelmed when the new baby comes so we're going to set up a schedule of times that we would like to have just to ourselves and we will get it to both families, and it will also have some time cleared when we'd like to receive visitors. Can you help us by making sure the rest of the family knows when that is? That way if you give both the parents an assignment to "help" you with that, maybe they'll feel like they are "in" on helping you two get some private time with the baby. idk, would something like that work?

[thegreenone]

Congrats.

Move, or maybe you will get lucky and after the first 6 week or so, they will get bored and move on.

I would suggest you plan ahead. Have Saturday or Sundays reserved for extended family for a few hours, and the rest of the time have "plans." You are unavailable.

If you don't want them there for the delivery, don't tell them you are in labor until the baby is in your arms.

I was actually more hurt by the fact that the extended family got real excited for the baby to come and then kind of forgot about her after she was two weeks old. If I had known then what I know now, I wold have milked it for all it was worth. Think college fund.

[Shadizar]

Suffer the parents for the time being; you'll be glad you did. When the baby is old enough to spend time away from mom (about a month), you can pawn it off on the grandparents for hours at a time; the more often you do this, the less often you have to deal with them; they come in, kidnap the baby, and you get to veg. Let them go show off the baby, take it shopping, go to play dates, and so on. Lackeys, INTJs need lackeys; even if it's their own parents.

[ScottLott]

Ask them the right questions that reframe their actions in the light you want them to realize. Also, since shes a feeler you can use that against her. Also, if she has any role models that she looks up to, I dunno, like Martha Stewart, you can reference this individual in your conversation. "What would Martha do in this situation?"

"We(your husband and you) are going through alot of emotions and trying to figure out this new stage in our life. (leveraging emotion against the feeler) I really appreciate your help, attention, etc and I'll need it later on. (confirming that they matter, damn feelers) Right now we just need space to figure out how to handle this new exciting part of our lives and I'll really need your support over the phone, e-mail, IM, texting (whatever works for you here, just let them know you still need them to prevent the outlash of feeling from the parent)."

A few points to notice here.
1. If your parent(s) are sensors they're isn't much dot connecting, so you'll have to connect each dot in conversation for them to accept it.
You are use to your space => your having a baby and going through emotional distress => you don't understand why they would choose now to croud you => you need your space

See that? They have to be WALKED through the steps, they won't make the connection themselves.

2. Make sure you use lots of emotion in your voice with high inflections, this will over power their "feelings" and force them to comply.

3. Also, refer to "emotion" and "feelings" often. You don't really relate with this but you can imagine yourself "feeling" in that particular situation, so just amplify that "feeling" and communicate it.

My Mom is an ISFP so....fun childhood to say the least.

[JWSJ]

You're not selfish, but it will be stressful.

Having a baby guarantees everyone will come knocking.

Being a parent will guarantee you years of unwanted advice.

Sorry.

[Wongette]

Your family will do this for the first baby/first grandchild. Subsequent ones get a lot less attention, and eventually the excitement for the first baby fades too. It's new and exciting for everyone. You'll have to forgive the new grandparents. They just can't help themselves and are likely to be deeply emotional about it.

And I agree that becoming a parent makes everyone else in the world feel more involved. And judgmental. But it's a sign that as a society, we feel that we are invested in children in general, and that is a good thing.