Flirting waitstaff

**alwayscurious** · 06-28-2011, 04:45 PM

Here's the scenario: you're out on a date with someone you've been dating a while. Much to your surprise, the waiter/waitress/bartender starts flirting with your date right in front of you. Your date has no idea that he/ she is being flirted with and really would have no clue how anything he/ she said could have elicited flirting behavior from the waitstaff if you told him/her that they were being flirted with. What do you do in response to this if anything?

**jnoelle** · 06-28-2011, 05:56 PM

Nothing. If they're oblivious, it can't lead to anything. But when the waiter/waitress walks away, I'd tell them, and I'd try to convince them not to leave a good tip if they were paying, and if I was paying, I'd leave a crappy tip and explain if they asked. That's just unprofessional and rude. No tip for you.

**Zsych** · 06-28-2011, 06:08 PM

Its called being friendly - the flirting/friendliness is to improve your experience (and get a better tip)... you'd just seem like a loser if you objected.

... Unless its very obvious interest, ignoring the existing boyfriend/girlfriend - but that would be a pretty unusual thing to try to do.

**Ilara** · 06-28-2011, 06:21 PM

Ignore. It doesn't matter.

**alwayscurious** · 06-28-2011, 06:39 PM

To further clarify, the scenario I described happened last night. The flirted was actually the manager on duty (at a local restaurant) but who was helping out the bartender. My guy (intj) is quite the people watcher so I mainly sat back and watched his behavior and the girl who flirted with him. She actually listened in on a conversation I was having with him and she commented/ answered a question I posed to my guy. When my guy asked her a question to clarify her answer, she misunderstood his question and answered with her biographical information. Her demeanor changed from obviously a controlling bitch to sweet and demure. And she kept hovering near him.

**dontmesswithme** · 06-28-2011, 06:56 PM

What's the problem with them being flirted with? I don't think they would leave the restaurant with the waitstaff instead of with you. That would be ridiculous. Maybe you could have some fun with it, or feel flattered that your date is so cute that people just can't help flirting with him/her right in front of you.

**ElstonGunn** · 06-28-2011, 08:05 PM

	Originally Posted by alwayscurious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	She actually listened in on a conversation I was having with him and she commented/ answered a question I posed to my guy. When my guy asked her a question to clarify her answer, she misunderstood his question and answered with her biographical information. Her demeanor changed from obviously a controlling bitch to sweet and demure. And she kept hovering near him.

I have absolutely no idea how that constitutes flirtation.

**babsa** · 06-28-2011, 08:29 PM

The problem with this situation, is that a waiter is budding into a conversation between two people on a date. If it's me and my buddies sitting at a bar bullshitting, it would be perfectly acceptable for anyone, let alone the bartender, to enter in. If it is a party of two, the conversation should be kept private. That's just how i view the situation though.

**alwayscurious** · 06-28-2011, 08:43 PM

Elston gunn, its a bit impossible for me to adequately describe in words why I thought the manager was flirting. I know when a woman is flirting with a guy and trust me, she was flirting. Her behavior was just plain rude.

Dontmesswithme, I guess I just think it shows blatant disrespect to the partner of the person being flirted with when someone flirts with your SO right in front of you. I am the least catty woman on the planet so it just astounds me when women do things like this. I guess the idealist in me doesn't find this flattering, entertaining or pleasant in any way.

**Persona** · 06-28-2011, 09:21 PM

	Originally Posted by alwayscurious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am the least catty woman on the planet

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

**Mogura** · 06-28-2011, 09:27 PM

Originally Posted by alwayscurious
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Here's the scenario: you're out on a date with someone you've been dating a while. Much to your surprise, the waiter/waitress/bartender starts flirting with your date right in front of you. Your date has no idea that he/ she is being flirted with and really would have no clue how anything he/ she said could have elicited flirting behavior from the waitstaff if you told him/her that they were being flirted with. What do you do in response to this if anything?

Oooh! That's gonna come out of his tip.

Of course, I can distinguish the difference between flirting and being friendly for professional sake...

**Autumnleaf** · 06-28-2011, 09:28 PM

Don't tip and tell your date you heard the flirter has an STD.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

**LJames** · 06-28-2011, 09:31 PM

	Originally Posted by alwayscurious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am the least catty woman on the planet...

This made me chuckle, considering your avatar.

I think you should try to see the positives in waitstaff flirting with your SO. It means that he is desirable to others, and that he has picked you over other options.

The fact that your SO was oblivious to the flirting is a bit of an afront to the flirter's flirting skills. I'm INTJ and I can tell when people are attempting to flirt with me (usually because I am acting extremely awkwardly in return lol).

**Mogura** · 06-28-2011, 09:37 PM

Originally Posted by alwayscurious
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To further clarify, the scenario I described happened last night. The flirted was actually the manager on duty (at a local restaurant) but who was helping out the bartender. My guy (intj) is quite the people watcher so I mainly sat back and watched his behavior and the girl who flirted with him. She actually listened in on a conversation I was having with him and she commented/ answered a question I posed to my guy. When my guy asked her a question to clarify her answer, she misunderstood his question and answered with her biographical information. Her demeanor changed from obviously a controlling bitch to sweet and demure. And she kept hovering near him.

Was this how the conversation went?

You: As I was saying, Pluto is a dog, but Goofy is a man dressed up as a dog... probably an ESFP...
Him: Well, I think that the issue can be resolved through PCR testing. We just need a blood or semen sample.
Her: Oh, semen! I love semen! I once dated this guy in the navy. He was so buff... must be from swimming! And he bought me a nice pair of shoes for my birthday! *swoon*
Him: Umm... don't you know the difference between seMEN and seaMAN?
Her: Of course I do! I'll be swallowing your little swimmers! 555-7648. I get off at 10. Ta-ta!

If not, you needn't worry...

**alwayscurious** · 06-29-2011, 04:36 AM

I realized the humor involving my avatar and saying I'm not catty about 5 seconds after I posted my last comment
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

With regards to the tip, I treated my guy to dinner that night and since the beast was the manager only helping the bartender but the service was TERRIBLE, the tip was less than what I would normally have given but still more than 15%. I just won't recommend that place again when he asks me where I'd like to go for dinner.

**ElstonGunn** · 06-29-2011, 08:01 AM

	Originally Posted by alwayscurious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Elston gunn, its a bit impossible for me to adequately describe in words why I thought the manager was flirting. I know when a woman is flirting with a guy and trust me, she was flirting. Her behavior was just plain rude.

I think that's a little hard to believe, considering the frequently ambiguous nature of flirtation. If there's any room at all for doubt, people will have different opinions on whether or not it actually counts as flirting. And on top of that, and much, much more importantly, people will always have different opinions on what is meant and what the intention behind it was. Millions of people can only flirt when it's just for fun, with no intention or desire to go any further with it, and clam up when they really like somebody. Millions of other people only flirt when they have a very strong and very conscious desire to try to develop a serious romantic relationship with someone, and completely ignore people who they don't want to date. Millions of people will do both types of flirtation at varying points in their lives, depending on thousands of underlying factors.

If you still want to claim total infallibility in interpreting flirtation, then I'll pay you damn good money to teach me, because I can never figure it out.

**plotthickens** · 06-29-2011, 08:12 AM

Take it as a compliment to your taste in dates and ability to get said toothsome dates.

Let your date know.

It becomes a bonding experience between you two.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

**alwayscurious** · 06-29-2011, 08:52 AM

Elston, I suppose if I had taken notes and documented every movement the flirter made I could better "prove" that she flirted. I didnt, however, take written notes. I suppose also that if I was actually asking for the forum's opinion on whether it not she was indeed flirting, that documentation would have come in handy. I'm not asking opinions on whether it not she flirted but rather what you would do if you were in a similar situation.

**themuzicman** · 06-29-2011, 08:54 AM

swift kick across the shins?

**alwayscurious** · 06-29-2011, 08:55 AM

Edit: substitute 'or' where my Droid incorrectly inserted "it" in this post.

**dontmesswithme** · 06-29-2011, 09:33 AM

If it really bothers you so much, you could just take the waitstaff aside and calmly explain that this behavior is really bothering you.

Or, you could make a scene. Which would probably be more fun for all concerned.

**Analyze** · 06-29-2011, 09:37 AM

Did they bring me the correct food in a timely manner?

Who the hell is the other person eating with me? I don't have anyone like that, nor do I want one.

I wouldn't think it would be a big deal for someone, but dealing with emotions yields plenty of illogical results.

**therrirl** · 06-29-2011, 09:58 AM

Had it happen before. I brushed her off several times and my date and I just laughed histerically about it. She liked that I was a "wanted" man and that I was all hers for the evening. I think she also liked that I made a joke of it and brushed the girl off.

**ElstonGunn** · 06-29-2011, 02:01 PM

	Originally Posted by alwayscurious To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm not asking opinions on whether it not she flirted but rather what you would do if you were in a similar situation.

I can't really separate the two. What I would do in that situation depends significantly on what the waiter did. A slight smile towards my date calls for an entirely different response than an attempted groping of my date. Without context, there's no way of knowing how someone would respond.

I guess the most likely reaction from me would be to ignore it. Completely ignore it, I mean-- not that "Oh, I noticed that, but I'm going to pretend it doesn't bother me" thing that people do. My ability to notice flirtation is not as impeccably honed as you say yours is, so I doubt I would even have noticed the offending party's attempt to horn in. And even if I noticed something, I wouldn't be sufficiently assured about what it was to make any big or strong reactions to it.

**alwayscurious** · 06-29-2011, 04:30 PM

Elston, I'm fairly certain that my guy had no idea that the girl had any interest in him as partially evidenced by a comment he made showing his confusion about why this girl made comments to him about where she's from as well as other details about her childhood. He basically said to me "why does she think I care where she's from?" I told him how I thought a comment of his likely gave her the wrong impression to which he just replied "oh" and that was that. So you're obviously not alone in missing the clues that reveal a girl is flirting with you. In the past, I haven't been great about realizing when a man is showing interest in me but its very clear to me when a woman is flirting with a guy.

06-28-2011, 04:45 PM	#1
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	Here's the scenario: you're out on a date with someone you've been dating a while. Much to your surprise, the waiter/waitress/bartender starts flirting with your date right in front of you. Your date has no idea that he/ she is being flirted with and really would have no clue how anything he/ she said could have elicited flirting behavior from the waitstaff if you told him/her that they were being flirted with. What do you do in response to this if anything?
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 05:56 PM	#2
jnoelle Banned MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 476	Nothing. If they're oblivious, it can't lead to anything. But when the waiter/waitress walks away, I'd tell them, and I'd try to convince them not to leave a good tip if they were paying, and if I was paying, I'd leave a crappy tip and explain if they asked. That's just unprofessional and rude. No tip for you.
jnoelle is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 06:08 PM	#3
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,372	Its called being friendly - the flirting/friendliness is to improve your experience (and get a better tip)... you'd just seem like a loser if you objected. ... Unless its very obvious interest, ignoring the existing boyfriend/girlfriend - but that would be a pretty unusual thing to try to do.
Zsych is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 06:21 PM	#4
Ilara Veteran Member [95%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 3,835	Ignore. It doesn't matter.
Ilara is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 06:39 PM	#5
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	To further clarify, the scenario I described happened last night. The flirted was actually the manager on duty (at a local restaurant) but who was helping out the bartender. My guy (intj) is quite the people watcher so I mainly sat back and watched his behavior and the girl who flirted with him. She actually listened in on a conversation I was having with him and she commented/ answered a question I posed to my guy. When my guy asked her a question to clarify her answer, she misunderstood his question and answered with her biographical information. Her demeanor changed from obviously a controlling bitch to sweet and demure. And she kept hovering near him.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 06:56 PM	#6
dontmesswithme Core Member [129%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 5,163	What's the problem with them being flirted with? I don't think they would leave the restaurant with the waitstaff instead of with you. That would be ridiculous. Maybe you could have some fun with it, or feel flattered that your date is so cute that people just can't help flirting with him/her right in front of you.
dontmesswithme is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 08:29 PM	#8
babsa Veteran Member [68%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: Jun 2011 Posts: 2,747	The problem with this situation, is that a waiter is budding into a conversation between two people on a date. If it's me and my buddies sitting at a bar bullshitting, it would be perfectly acceptable for anyone, let alone the bartender, to enter in. If it is a party of two, the conversation should be kept private. That's just how i view the situation though.
babsa is online post a comment

06-28-2011, 08:43 PM	#9
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	Elston gunn, its a bit impossible for me to adequately describe in words why I thought the manager was flirting. I know when a woman is flirting with a guy and trust me, she was flirting. Her behavior was just plain rude. Dontmesswithme, I guess I just think it shows blatant disrespect to the partner of the person being flirted with when someone flirts with your SO right in front of you. I am the least catty woman on the planet so it just astounds me when women do things like this. I guess the idealist in me doesn't find this flattering, entertaining or pleasant in any way.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-28-2011, 09:28 PM	#12
Autumnleaf Core Member [227%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 9,120	Don't tip and tell your date you heard the flirter has an STD. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Autumnleaf is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 04:36 AM	#15
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	I realized the humor involving my avatar and saying I'm not catty about 5 seconds after I posted my last comment To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. With regards to the tip, I treated my guy to dinner that night and since the beast was the manager only helping the bartender but the service was TERRIBLE, the tip was less than what I would normally have given but still more than 15%. I just won't recommend that place again when he asks me where I'd like to go for dinner.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 08:12 AM	#17
plotthickens Core Member [662%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,513	Take it as a compliment to your taste in dates and ability to get said toothsome dates. Let your date know. It becomes a bonding experience between you two. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
plotthickens is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 08:52 AM	#18
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	Elston, I suppose if I had taken notes and documented every movement the flirter made I could better "prove" that she flirted. I didnt, however, take written notes. I suppose also that if I was actually asking for the forum's opinion on whether it not she was indeed flirting, that documentation would have come in handy. I'm not asking opinions on whether it not she flirted but rather what you would do if you were in a similar situation.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 08:54 AM	#19
themuzicman Core Member [284%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 11,388	swift kick across the shins?
themuzicman is online post a comment

06-29-2011, 08:55 AM	#20
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	Edit: substitute 'or' where my Droid incorrectly inserted "it" in this post.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 09:33 AM	#21
dontmesswithme Core Member [129%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 5,163	If it really bothers you so much, you could just take the waitstaff aside and calmly explain that this behavior is really bothering you. Or, you could make a scene. Which would probably be more fun for all concerned.
dontmesswithme is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 09:37 AM	#22
Analyze Member [22%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 913	Did they bring me the correct food in a timely manner? Who the hell is the other person eating with me? I don't have anyone like that, nor do I want one. I wouldn't think it would be a big deal for someone, but dealing with emotions yields plenty of illogical results.
Analyze is online post a comment

06-29-2011, 09:58 AM	#23
therrirl Member [34%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 1,388	Had it happen before. I brushed her off several times and my date and I just laughed histerically about it. She liked that I was a "wanted" man and that I was all hers for the evening. I think she also liked that I made a joke of it and brushed the girl off.
therrirl is offline post a comment

06-29-2011, 04:30 PM	#25
alwayscurious Member [07%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 306	Elston, I'm fairly certain that my guy had no idea that the girl had any interest in him as partially evidenced by a comment he made showing his confusion about why this girl made comments to him about where she's from as well as other details about her childhood. He basically said to me "why does she think I care where she's from?" I told him how I thought a comment of his likely gave her the wrong impression to which he just replied "oh" and that was that. So you're obviously not alone in missing the clues that reveal a girl is flirting with you. In the past, I haven't been great about realizing when a man is showing interest in me but its very clear to me when a woman is flirting with a guy.
alwayscurious is offline post a comment