[Elena]

Christ. The shrinks called and they want to see me straight after work (about 7 hours away). I thought they discharged me but they held on to my case and want me in right away. They arnt telling me why either.

[RBM]

	Originally Posted by Elena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Christ. The shrinks called and they want to see me straight after work (about 7 hours away). I thought they discharged me but they held on to my case and want me in right away. They arnt telling me why either.

The bottom line is, you're getting IN !

There are many plausible reasons for why this happened this way, but they are all irrelevant at this stage of your care. You have to pass a threshold as defined by them for 'handson' care and this appointment is likely that threshold.

Good Luck.

[Elena]

I suprised myself and actually turned up. I was really tired after work but my friend swore to make my evening hell if I did not go. They said my case got lost in paper work or a similar situation. The main bulk of what they, liz and that bald guy, said was to make sure I will continue coming to them. They said that what happens to me is diffent than say, my other medical problems and I might not see a problem with anything thats going on. The female one talked to me alone for awhile and said that a chemical imbalance might be to blame, I might just split my mind to deal with problems and cope or there simply might not be anything wrong, but they need me to trust them to do what they suggest to get to the bottom of this. She discovered my INTJ turned up full blast today, and suggested that clearly I dont feel comtable talking verbally, but being an artist and a visual person she could work out better ways to communicate. She does not know the next appointment date, but expects me to come. She wants to discuss the diffence of dream, hallutionation and reality, which should be hard. She half mentioned that staying with them now and keep coming to appointments will make it easier for me instead of them forcing me by law. Not sure who said this but yeah you can say you told me so. It was not that bad, atleast not yet. I plan to stick with it this time because clearly they think something is worth looking into.

[RBM]

Yeah !

It sounds like you made a really good connection with a really good caregiver.

As an ex-addict I would expect the REAL work has yet to begin. That work is when you try to sort out dream, hallucination and reality while dealing with overcoming your 'split mind' dynamics as this aspect is a compensation of some sort.

Keep On Truckin' !

[Elena]

Its just begun? I might just spit a book out at the end of this crap. I do like this Liz person more than the guy, shares similar views with me and she travelled alot and was telling me of all the places like a certain back street in India had such wonderful murals on the walls and the sharp contrast of the old and young sitting on steps together, totally diffent to here. I honestly dont see the real harm in going. If I was forced to by law I would be way more annoyed. I still dont see how you cant tell the diffences of dream/hallutionation/reality, but I am curious to hear what she has to say.

[RBM]

	Originally Posted by Elena
	I still dont see how you cant tell the diffences of dream/hallutionation/reality, but I am curious to hear what she has to say.

I hope you get her explanation in this diary, cause I'm curious to hear it.

[Elena]

Yeah I will put it up here. I still cant see how she can explain or answer that sort of thing. I bet she might have needed to deal with this idea before, or not. Mhh. She left me on a cliff hanger and I want to go back to get an answer. Her plan clearly worked.

[Elena]

Shrink said to keep notes on things so I should try and keep on top of it. I was staying at a friend house for the past few days. Seen that man on friday, watching, heard him on saturday threatening me, and seen and heard him today both on the old abandoned army barracks, mountian and her house. She kinda helped me laugh at him and told me that I was ok. I did think I was in a dream, but she said that even if it was a dream, I could be happy with her being made up rather than that man. So now I think I am awake, I have been awake and she is real.

---------- Post added 09-19-2011 at 09:38 AM ----------

I slept so much last night, but today, I nearly fell asleep at work. I have been dragging my heels through the day. I am forcing myself to stay awake a bit later, so not to mess up my sleeping schedule. I feel like my energy is being drained out of me. Not just scarlet blood, but my white spirit, I see it draining out of me, dripping on to the floor and slowly sliding across it. I feel so cold.

[Elena]

I seen the shrinks on Thursday last time so it might be the same or not. General tiredness but I have not done anything to excert my self. Muttering and foot fall thats not meant to be there.

[Elena]

Was attending a wedding last night and at the reception I think I seen a child with an old broom sweeping the dance floor. They were wearing, really old style tattery clothes and I swear everytime I looked the face changed. I was not drinking last night either but I wish I did.

---------- Post added 09-24-2011 at 10:56 AM ----------

Shrinks should call me next week to let me know about the next appointment. Seen that man today again, he was quiet, never said a word. People following me creeps me out alot. Random shapes of colour and light flashed past today. Might just have been my eyes.

[Elena]

Sick of seeing people I am not sure are real or not.
I have started to carry my camera with me more so I can take photo's of people I am not sure of, if they are not real, they don't show up on the screen.
That scares me. I am sometimes am seeing people who do not exist.

There might be a chance these people are real, they might be able to control my camera, or control what I can see or not see. Whose to say my heart monitor might be more than that, a bug or some other device?

Those people, everyone that is, might not be real and I could possibly be dreaming or maybe even in coma in hospital. Or they are only visible to me for some reason.

[RBM]

You are getting carried away. Elena.

The camera's a good idea.

Why would anyone want to put a bug on YOU ? Really ?

[Elena]

I am not getting carried away, its possible. In that case it means it could all be bull shit too I guess. I am not even that intresting or any threat so no reason for people to bug me.

[RBM]

	Originally Posted by Elena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am not getting carried away, its possible. In that case it means it could all be bull shit too I guess. I am not even that intresting or any threat so no reason for people to bug me.

Anyyyything is possible, just not probable.

[Elena]

I just need to work out which is which now.

---------- Post added 09-26-2011 at 07:24 AM ----------

I dont know where but I keep hearing this idea that if we are dreaming, this is the form we take on, as humans, but another 'person' would see everyone else as something else, just I see everyone as a human, and that animals and plants are just creatures that are in the waking world. Or not, I just keep hearing it somewhere.

[Elena]

I seen a deer today in my house. I know that is unlikely and it never showed on my camera.
I might make a small model/sculpture of a deer and that might help?

I am focusing on work, but everything, work and life just seems so hard. I am failing in things I am normally good at, even though I work harder to stay at the same level.

Sensation of bugs crawling on me at lunch time, yet I could not see any. I could feel them moving and trying to get into my body, such a unnerving feeling.

Seen that man today, he seemed hyper, get never spoke. He seemed to do sign language? I can not understand that language.
His muttering is more clear, but still not decipherable. Maybe he is trying to tell me something no one else can see or understand.

A few weeks ago (I just remembered there now) came out of the shower and went into my room and he was sitting there, he started saying the same things he said when my pet rabbit was dying. I could not move away, and he suddenly was holding that rabbit. He stroked it for awhile then quick as a flash, ripped her head off, all the blood flooding out and the twitching body. He never reacted.
Just stood with the blood staining his clothes, a jump suit/overalls, until the blood nearly covered him, then he was gone.
I kept hearing the same screams and sounds that my rabbit made when she died.
I would feel a tremor and see her in my arms or on my lap, taking a fit like she done.

[VF1J]

When I read about the deer, I thought it wasn't so bad, then I read about the bug sensation and creepy man who tore off your rabit's head off.

I seriously hope things get better for you.

[ManWithNoName]

I too hope things are getting better. Keep on going to therapy. Using a camera to tell what is there and is not there is a good idea.

[Elena]

I am still going to therapy, (under threat of hugs from a friend) they have not sent a letter/called yet, its either every week, every 2 weeks or every 3 weeks.
I feel so freaking weird, my flat mate forced me to sit down because I was "pacing more than normal" and I still feel the need to move, so I am listening to some music to help distract me.
I seen...weird lights? Auras? Spirits? earlier on today. At lunch with a friend today I did not speak (she is used to this) because I felt a presence, strange bends of light and suddenly that man was at the table with us, staring at me with a bad look.

Edit; the deer was not bad, it was calming, deer like calm places, it just looked so removed from nature inside.

---------- Post added 10-01-2011 at 08:16 AM ----------

Not feeling as if I am part of myself. I was reading, I looked at my hand and it was covered it blood. I had got a cut along the top side of my hand. I felt no pain. Why? I washed it under water and it still kept on bleeding for 10mins. Still has no pain. I licked it (saliva is meant to help healing or clotting) and I got the strong irony taste of blood. It should hurt, it looks real, it tastes real. My flat mate seen it. I feel nothing. I kicked my door with no shoes on, should have hurt like hell, but nothing. I cant understand it. Maybe I could be the projection of an author or some random guy day dreaming in class. I could be waking up from this dream, my body desensiting? Discinegrating or someone. Posion in my food might cause me to have lack of pain, but why would some one posion my food? It might not be food, I hold reins daily, entering through skin or air.

[Elena]

I think I could just be a projection of someone elses thoughts. The man I see, he could be the writer. Authors place some people who are similar to them in their books. The threats to attack me and stalking would be the writer thinking about a criminal theme to his book. When I think people are writing notes on me and what I do, it could just be him taking charatar notes. I feel less like myself and not part of me as he messes about with plans in the book. It makes sense now compared to earlier.

---------- Post added 10-02-2011 at 03:08 PM ----------

How do I know anything for sure? Feeling of bugs, yet there are none.

[Elena]

My friend wrote "awake" on my arm in Russian. I know she is real and I am awake because I cant write, read or speak Russian so I could not have wrote it. Camera is in prolific use.

[Elena]

Talked to a friend last night who helped out alot. I have been feeling weird the past few days. Doubting every word and action, every thought. Not sure that I am really writting this but plan to see my shrink next chance I can.

[Silverity]

	Originally Posted by Elena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My friend wrote "awake" on my arm in Russian. I know she is real and I am awake because I cant write, read or speak Russian so I could not have wrote it. Camera is in prolific use.

Clever! You are really finding a lot of interesting tricks to combat this.

[Elena]

My friend wrote something in french on my arm today along the same lines, "staring brightly awake" or something. I was holding my dinner plate about half an hour ago. I just looked down at plate, as you would, but the hand holding it was not mine. It was mine, it wore the same glove as my other hand but it felt not belonging to me. It was not mine. I dropped the plate in fright. I am scared now. My flat mate will not understand it was not my hand.

---------- Post added 10-10-2011 at 01:41 PM ----------

Hard to explain, but I feel as if my surroundings are not real. They are real, but replaced but the original is out there somewhere. No clear reason for this though, its just my impression. Seen that man earlier today, he was just reading a news paper. I feel being unaware is the best, to bed it is then.

[Elena]

Why the fuck are the shrinks not answering phone calls? Its not like their offices got bombed. I have had stuff going on the past week. Bad news about other health problems on tuesday and my painting being blown up. Last night? Or no. Tuesday night/wednesday morning I had a nightmare about Dytolk pass and yes I cant spell it. I dreamt I was an observer to the events. I seen it in black and white which made me think it was a dream. I seen them all get struck by a sudden fear and rip the tent, rush out with barely any clothing. Two of the men were shouting in russian, the snow was very deep. They kinda tripped about and could not see. I spun around to find the others running. Some unseen thing ripped out the womans toungue and I seen everyones fear. I woke up very scared as any one is after nightmares. I got a cold drink and sat in bed with my lamp on. I heard the snow rush past me and blasts of cold air. What the hell? I look up and some sort of projection is playing before my eyes. It is looking like an old film reel, the type that counts down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 before playing. It jutters into life. It shows the tent. The running. The slowing down. Confusion. Jumps to a close up of a man getting his skull smashed in. Seeing the lights go off in his eyes. The cracking of another guys ribs. I see people scream, but its quiet. No noise except the clicking of a film reel. It shuts off. Every shadow seemed dangerous in my room. I heard that man talk again. 'look at you scared at just a little show produced just for you. Milk runs far from a good meal.' no idea about why milk came into this. I seen. . something at the doorway/end of bed. Its eyes met mine. It rushed towards me. I opened my eyes and it was gone? I felt a hand brush my arm. No one. My dog came into my room and slept on my bed which made me feel better, but I was so scared. Shadows morph into shapes and swirl in the orange street lamp light. No idea what happened. I went down stairs white as a sheet. My flat mate said I was talking but nothing I said actually made sense, picking words and connections. I never sat down, kept pacing. Went to work and just went riding. Felt better after that. Yesterday I went into town with one close friend another a less close friend. They kept saying I was acting strange but I was not. I just felt suddenly worthless. No energy to talk, I went mute. Ended up just walking off and got a bus home. I heard a small child calling my name. Only people on the bus was me and the male driver. I felt like hurting myself. To test how real I was but I did not incase I done anything stupid so I just tried to sleep. Needed to pace. I ended last night by accusing my flat mate of being sick and that I was created by his mind and that he needed to see a doctor to get rid of me. He just shook his head and ignored me. I half accused another friend but not sure about him being real or not. I could be the left over thoughts of other creatures who are not human. They dream of humans, create this life and we are all connected in some way. Nothing makes sense.