[ccbeau]

To my fellow INTJ women,

I constantly get told when dating that I don't "share" my feeling enough, or that he can not "feel" where I'm coming from or where we are headed etc.. because I do not open up. Almost like trying to get me to open up about feelings is like hitting a brick wall.

I do feel as if I share my thoughts.. but when it comes to my feelings, I do find difficulty expressing the mushy gushy. Even if I'm totally in "like" with someone. It's just not my cup of tea. I'd rather my actions speak for my feelings.

Do you get told this alot? How do you cope?

[themuzicman]

Welcome to being an INTJ male.

[ccbeau]

lol. Is it really vice versa.

I would assume that women would find those very same characteristics in a man "intriguing" and "mysterious".. but because of gender stereotypes.. it just seems strange for a woman to encompass those very same traits.

Hence.. my dilemma. Stay true to myself, or try on different uncomfortable hats for the sake of companionship.

[Seriously]

Originally Posted by ccbeau To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To my fellow INTJ women, I constantly get told when dating that I don't "share" my feeling enough, or that he can not "feel" where I'm coming from or where we are headed etc.. because I do not open up. Almost like trying to get me to open up about feelings is like hitting a brick wall. I do feel as if I share my thoughts.. but when it comes to my feelings, I do find difficulty expressing the mushy gushy. Even if I'm totally in "like" with someone. It's just not my cup of tea. I'd rather my actions speak for my feelings. Do you get told this alot? How do you cope?

Yep that has been coming up pretty frequently for me lately. I find it odd that men seem to want women who vomit emotion all over them. I figure I will continue to be who I am and eventually will find a man who appreciates the fact that I don't lay it all out there on the first date.

[Manko782]

so i know this is just for women but what i would say is that if this man doesn't find you intriguing or open enough now that you should move on to someone more interesting, he now becomes a waste of time if he wants you to change who you really are :D

[ccbeau]

	Yep that has been coming up pretty frequently for me lately. I find it odd that men seem to want women who vomit emotion all over them. I figure I will continue to be who I am and eventually will find a man who appreciates the fact that I don't lay it all out there on the first date.

Yes, and since only 20% of the US population is of Intuitive preferences, not even including NT, that really puts us ladies at a disadvantage. Its partially discouraging. *Sigh*

	so i know this is just for women but what i would say is that if this man doesn't find you intriguing or open enough now that you should move on to someone more interesting, he now becomes a waste of time if he wants you to change who you really are :D

I understand completely where your coming from but there is still much difficulty in dating because of the probability of meeting a guy who expects “typical” emotional responses from women. It sucks. To find that male who actually prefers an intuitive rational minded female, takes much painstaking time.

[Deliberator]

I guess you're just not dating the right kinda guys.

[Seriously]

I was discouraged myself for a little while and pondered trying to push out some emotion but it's too draining and just not me. I think I show plenty of emotion and I smile when I feel like it not because I'm expected to by someone else. I figure if you have to start out fake and not being yourself that ultimately doesn't bode well for the relationship.

It is funny though how many men seem drawn to emotional high drama women while all the while protesting they don't like that type of thing. I suppose it's on par with women who say they want nice guys while going for bad boys perhaps?

[ccbeau]

	I guess you're just not dating the right kinda guys.

Perhaps you are right. Maybe I need to reassess what I am attracted to out of a male. Although, I am an African American female, and to date within my race and find the qualities that I so admire out of a man, is becoming increasingly disappointing. Hmm. & Ironically.. the more intelligent an African American man is, the more likely it is that he is dating outside of his race. Grr! Paradoxical queries.

	It is funny though how many men seem drawn to emotional high drama women while all the while protesting they don't like that type of thing. I suppose it's on par with women who say they want nice guys while going for bad boys perhaps?

Absolutely! I agree.

[Reddkatz]

I haven't been told that, yet. Most of the dates I have gone out so far has been more of a hang out session.

[oddi]

I hear ya sister! Speaking from my experience I too am unable to gush over anything except cute puppies. I have had men who required more "goosh" tend to sop it up from ESFP type women. On the other hand, guys like my independence and intrigue. I have learned to tell them I am interested in them as well and follow up my words with actions. The right guys are not intimated by me and tend to be the ones worthy of my time as well. They find my lack of Hallmark BS quite refreshing. A part of me who upsets the guys that want me to act more F-ish need too much ego stroking too. I did end a relationship with an ISFJ and have entered another one with an INTJ--WOW--- night & day--much less emotional small talk--so refreshing. He feels the same way because I think he was had to "fake" his f'ness with past women. My point is I have gotten tired of pretending to be something I am not AKA an extroverted feeling sensor; being who I am is so much more satisfying. One more thing--dating outside your race should be something else to reconsider. Who cares about that? You need to find someone to mentally connect with, not someone who matches your skin tone

[ccbeau]

	Originally Posted by oddi To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My point is I have gotten tired of pretending to be something I am not AKA an extroverted feeling sensor; being who I am is so much more satisfying. One more thing--dating outside your race should be something else to reconsider. Who cares about that? You need to find someone to mentally connect with, not someone who matches your skin tone

I find absolute relevance in your point of view. That makes total sense.

[MyotisLucifugus]

	Originally Posted by Seriously To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It is funny though how many men seem drawn to emotional high drama women while all the while protesting they don't like that type of thing. I suppose it's on par with women who say they want nice guys while going for bad boys perhaps?

When I was younger I had friends that did that constantly. Once they got beyond the cutesy factor and began having couples' arguments, I'd just sit back and chuckle. Sometimes I'd feel like lecturing -- "One, I told you this would happen; Two, if you wanted a logical woman who wouldn't fight for the sake of fighting and wouldn't take emotional tactics with you, I've been here all along. You did this to yourself." -- but I usually just let it go. People aren't machines, and they can't always explain their decisions that well.

I've had relationships I'd expected to be short-term go on for anywhere between two and ten years, so once you find someone who actually likes your anomalous personality, they're not going to want to let you go. Look for those ones.

[slowcrash]

So many guys have told me that I am like a robot due to my lack of outward emotion. I have also heard over and over that they think I am a lesbian. I contribute this mostly to just being very independent and non needy of emotional reassurance. Or I can have long platonic conversations about various topics of interest with zero flirtation.

I have been told that I am 'hard to read'. Of course I have had many moments of introspection about this and to me there is nothing that needs to be 'read'. There is not alot of emotional subtext going on with me, and I am not having massive inner dialogue about the person I am hanging out with but probably more thinking about something I need to do at work later or people I forgot to call earlier, etc.

It would be cool to be able to define what signals/ques people respond to. The reality of me becoming really flirty or giggly or coy is about nil but there must be another avenue to go down.

[Nepenthe]

No, but I express emotion. I make statements like, "I am feeling really sad and moody today, but I don't want to talk about it. Give me a hug and let's go do something." I tend to provide information about my internal states. It's my impression that my feeling friends are less likely to do this--they express their feelings through behavior rather than just verbalizing it. So they act out being sad and moody.

---------- Post added 05-29-2011 at 09:30 PM ----------

I also don't really think men want to hear about my emotions that much. What they do want is an idea of how I feel about them. I praise guys, maybe not as much as extroverted feelers would, but I frequently say "that was very insightful" or "I appreciate you doing that for me". Public displays of affection can be a problem for me though. I dated an ENFP that was VERY demonstrative and it would creep me out. I don't want to make out in front of my friends when they are trying to talk to me.

[Nightblade]

	Originally Posted by slowcrash To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So many guys have told me that I am like a robot due to my lack of outward emotion. I have also heard over and over that they think I am a lesbian. I contribute this mostly to just being very independent and non needy of emotional reassurance. Or I can have long platonic conversations about various topics of interest with zero flirtation.

I just met someone like this. I was not sure if she didn't like me or what. But, I just plowed through the whole date since I know a lot of things, I can talk about a lot of things whether she has anything to say or not.

I still don't know whether she ever actually liked me or not. I guess from the guy's perspective it is difficult to know what to do if the woman isn't contributing a lot.

I think the problem is if a guy has low confidence or is not sure what is going on, he doesn't know how to act if the chick doesn't express any emotion. I think if you say -- "this is my personality, I'm not really an emotional person" -- that would be perfectly fine. But most people at least expect some kind of feedback. The woman I dated was like a blank slate and it went nowhere.

[Twilight]

When I was dating I was told that a lot. I think most guys expect to have to spend a lot of time on feelings during a relationship. Then when that isn't the case there is too much free time to do other things and they can't deal with it. Constantly mentally challenging a man can be too intense for him. Especially if you are well schooled in a lot of different topics. And by challenging I mean being able to converse for an entire dinner date with well thought out responses and questions supported by facts on various topics.

I don't think there is much you can do about it until you find someone who likes mental stimulation and independent rather than co-dependent relationships. Of course you could end up like me - My husband told me the thing he liked about me most when we were dating was that I was independent and then once we got married the thing it liked least about me was my independence.

[LaoTzu]

Originally Posted by ccbeau To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To my fellow INTJ women, I constantly get told when dating that I don't "share" my feeling enough, or that he can not "feel" where I'm coming from or where we are headed etc.. because I do not open up. Almost like trying to get me to open up about feelings is like hitting a brick wall. I do feel as if I share my thoughts.. but when it comes to my feelings, I do find difficulty expressing the mushy gushy. Even if I'm totally in "like" with someone. It's just not my cup of tea. I'd rather my actions speak for my feelings. Do you get told this alot? How do you cope?

Maybe you aren't the problem.

It's the pansies you're attracted to.

They want to talk to YOU about YOUR feelings?? Weird....

Is there a sign you hold up to draw these insecure Guys to you?

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by Nightblade To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I just met someone like this. I was not sure if she didn't like me or what. But, I just plowed through the whole date since I know a lot of things, I can talk about a lot of things whether she has anything to say or not. I still don't know whether she ever actually liked me or not. I guess from the guy's perspective it is difficult to know what to do if the woman isn't contributing a lot. I think the problem is if a guy has low confidence or is not sure what is going on, he doesn't know how to act if the chick doesn't express any emotion. I think if you say -- "this is my personality, I'm not really an emotional person" -- that would be perfectly fine. But most people at least expect some kind of feedback. The woman I dated was like a blank slate and it went nowhere.

I can see where this would be not only unrewarding, but impossible. There's got to be some kind of communication in order to proceed. I tend to tell people what I think, instead of what I feel--unless directly asked--but there is plenty to work with to keep the conversation going. Also, my default demeanor is friendly. I don't need to act cold and impersonal in order to keep my shell intact.

[Zsych]

Adapting a little isn't a bad thing. Its basically realizing that even though you're speaking english, there is a bit more to communication than just that and that you should be speaking the other person's language.

If you like someone, you may as well try to give them what they want, as well as getting from them what you want.

	Originally Posted by Merak - Rep comment
	What, compromise? Weak!

Naa... have to be practical. Besides, the whole 'this is me' thing is nonsense. If you lack skills, you lack skills. Of course you're not comfortable, confronted with your weaknesses. On the other side you will find people who will hate you for making them think and question things.

[Storm]

This may seem counter-intuitive, but maybe you should try dating very emotional men? There are serious, non-emotional men that like serious, non-emotional women, but it seems that it's more common to find the emotional man who wants to date the non-emotional woman.

[zef]

Hi INTJ women. I would have loved to meet one of you in my younger days. I am the male equivalent. When you are a member of a 1% club, meeting mates can be difficult. Until you do, use the losers. And most of us INTJ males, are equally as creepy. Wait for the right non-creepu one, meanwhile, use the social losers as you see fit. . .and don't tell us creepy males about it once you finally meet us. . .

[DeborahB]

No I don't, because when people ask how I feel,(after some intropection moment, of corse) I am able to answer.

But what some complain (specially my sister) is that I dn't show enthusiasm about somethingsthat emotional people value. But as don' date "emotional" men I don't have any problems. ^^

I hope that I could help

[Tejeira]

	Originally Posted by Deliberator To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I guess you're just not dating the right kinda guys.

Go on Match! Or OKCupid! Or EHarmony!

Express your personality.

Tell them what you are seeking.

"Ask and it will be given"

Get after it, sexy INTJ lady.

[karenann33]

You're dating the wrong kind of guys. I've dated plenty of men like that who wanted to talk about my feelings and it was just a turn off. It takes me a long time to open up like that and don't push me.

I'm now happily married to an INTJ man. 21 years now. He suits me perfectly and even though he was more emotional than I was early on he never pushed me. He gave me space and let me show love in my own way and in my own time.