I'm in trouble deep

**aliena** · 03-20-2011, 02:17 AM

I don't know why I'm writing this, perhaps seeking empathy on intj forum? or I don't know. I'm just desperate I guess.

I have a child, a 5 months old baby, and I had a boyfriend (father of the baby). I don't know what happened to him that he changed from the best friend I had to an evil unfair thing. I told him we were leaving him this morning (he said at last!).

I'm already used to caring for the baby fulltime alone as he really wasn't a loving father (this alone is the toughest thing I've ever done). But I had a place to live and some money and now I don't.

I'm on a four-year maternity leave getting money which are not enough even for food. I don't have a flat and I don't have much money saved. I have unfinished master's degree (only diploma thesis and final exams remaining, but still, I probably won't manage with caring for my baby all alone). I probably could stay with my parents (materiallywise) but I'm really scared of my father. Last two years of grammar school when I lived with them were hell. He'll destroy what's left from me if I go there, I know that. I don't have any friends really. I always wanted him to be the closest. The only one who would care is my mum, but I can't really talk to her (because of the father).

I'm such a loser! What was I thinking relaying on someone else, believing we'll make a great loving family not like the one I grew up in? Yeah, as my father kept saying since I was like 5 years old, I'm a terrible person and I'll divorce when I'm grown up (I'm not married so technically it;s not a divorce, but...)

If I was on my own, things would be great now. I would just start over, simple. Get away from here and go somewhere far, another country, new life from scratch. I just want to run away.

I don't know what to do.

**Artio** · 03-20-2011, 02:39 AM

	Originally Posted by aliena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't know why I'm writing this, perhaps seeking empathy on intj forum? or I don't know. I'm just desperate I guess.

I'm sorry but I can't offer you empathy. If that is what you need, I hope someone else can do it. I can offer you some perspective though. I'm sorry if my rationality hurts you even more - that's not my intention.

	Originally Posted by aliena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have a child, a 5 months old baby, and I had a boyfriend (father of the baby). I don't know what happened to him that he changed from the best friend I had to an evil unfair thing.

You'll have plenty of time later to analyze what went wrong. We do make misjudgments and we can learn from them (it's not wallowing in the past, but something you might need to do to get forward in your life), but at the moment the baby is the most important person here.

	Originally Posted by aliena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm already used to caring for the baby fulltime alone as he really wasn't a loving father (this alone is the toughest thing I've ever done). But I had a place to live and some money and now I don't.

Unfortunately I don't know where you live, and if you're american, I'm not familiar with your social support system. Find the contacts, fill the forms, get help. Your love won't keep the baby alive, and you'll have much more to give as a parent when you get the your basic needs fulfilled. If living with your parents isn't an option, find another solution.

	Originally Posted by aliena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm such a loser! What was I thinking relaying on someone else, believing we'll make a great loving family not like the one I grew up in? Yeah, as my father kept saying since I was like 5 years old, I'm a terrible person and I'll divorce when I'm grown up (I'm not married so technically it;s not a divorce, but...)

Don't let negative emotions guide you. Your self-pity, self-accusations and guilt won't do you any good. You have a right to have you emotions, but you'll get more strength if you're capable to find some positive feelings instead.

Also, you made it very clear that you don't have any reason to respect your father. Why would you listen to his accusations either? Prove yourself to yourself.

	Originally Posted by aliena To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If I was on my own, things would be great now. I would just start over, simple. Get away from here and go somewhere far, another country, new life from scratch. I just want to run away.

Yes. We all have dreams. If only...

Dreams are great when they give you wings and make you fly. If they suppress you down and hold you back, they're useless.

If you really want to run away, you have to face the truth: you must give away your baby and carry that burden. Maybe it's an option for you, maybe it isn't. You're the one who decides. But instead of hoping for miracles and utopias make the best out of the real possibilities.

You're having hard times now. You don't have to do it all by yourself, but you're the responsible. Make the decisions that will make your baby proud of you, if that's the idea which touches you.

All the best for you both. It may not be much at the moment, but there's plenty of life ahead of you two. Today you're taking little steps towards the life you want to build for you. Be strong.

**aliena** · 03-20-2011, 03:32 AM

	Originally Posted by Artio To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm sorry but I can't offer you empathy. If that is what you need, I hope someone else can do it. I can offer you some perspective though. I'm sorry if my rationality hurts you even more - that's not my intention.

Never mind. I said I dodn't know what I wanted. Perspective thoughts are better than empathy. Thanks for your words. They were kind of kind anyways.

	Originally Posted by Artio To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Also, you made it very clear that you don't have any reason to respect your father. Why would you listen to his accusations either? Prove yourself to yourself.

You're right, but it isn't that simple. I can't just say I don't care, it still hurts... It may be the best and most reasonable thing to do, but I'm not able to.

	Originally Posted by Artio To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you really want to run away, you have to face the truth: you must give away your baby and carry that burden. Maybe it's an option for you, maybe it isn't. You're the one who decides. But instead of hoping for miracles and utopias make the best out of the real possibilities.

Definitely not an option. Yet I sometimes wonder, what is the best for the baby. How much should I supress my needs. Will it be happy growing uop without a father? Will any other man ever love it and accept it as his own?

**Taryuna** · 03-20-2011, 04:21 AM

I'd say it's better for the baby to grow up without a father than with a terrible father. Of course, those might not be the options a mother wishes for, but it seems they are the only ones you've got.

It also seems going back to your parents really isn't an option with your father being that way. By the way, I think I can tell only from those two posts of yours I read just now that his accusations are wrong. You want the best for yourself and your baby, and the thought of your baby growing up in a bad environment makes you desperate. Sounds like you are a good person in a difficult situation. Be strong.
This actually sounds similar to the situation my mum was in when I was a baby - and it all turned out well for us. If that's any indication, I think you have a good chance to manage this.

You can probably get financial aid from social programs and your ex-boyfriend should also at least help support the child financially. I think in most countries he is even legally forced to pay you some money. You might want to cut all ties to that jerk, but it is his child, too, and he has a duty to give you some help with it, even if it is only money. (Yeah, they say money is not everything, but once you don't have it, it suddenly is...)

If you get a cheap flat, maybe it's possible for your mother to visit you there and help without bringing your father into it?

**Il Prodigio** · 03-20-2011, 06:46 AM

Right. It is definitely better for the baby to grow up without a father than with a terrible father.

because then he/she will have daddy issues, always trying to gain the approval and love of a person who is inept at giving it. I could be completely off base here, but my father was not the best father, and I really only got out of the haze and confusion of that when he passed away. It was like being released from a trance.

So maybe if the child never has that experience it will be better for it.

**Zsych** · 03-20-2011, 07:19 AM

Well sister, these kinds of things can happen. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I think Artio's points are valid... look for support for young single mothers. My second thought was that even if you don't live with them or ask for money, maybe you can give your child to your parents for a while. Its an imposition of sorts but one that many normal parents would accept.

If you have almost no money, at least stay with your parents or friends for a little while. Tell your dad that you and his grandchild need support right now and that you can talk blame later.

If you find support for single mothers, maybe you can find other people in the system that you can share rent with or something.

Personally, I think that if you could leave your kid with your parents and go get a job (and contribute money) and finish school, you'll be in much better shape.

I expect you can also conceivably get child support of some kind from the father, so that might also be an avenue worth checking out.

Good luck, be positive, and think in terms of solving problems.

**gestalt** · 03-20-2011, 07:25 AM

Strongly recommend moving back with your parents, cleaning house and taking care of your child, and finishing your Masters degree online.

Your Dad will feel kinder toward you when he has a grandchild bouncing on his knee, and as a daughter you'll be demonstrating that you are growing and thriving toward true self-sufficiency (traditionally it takes a tribe to raise a child though) by completing the M.A. Stay out of any emotional loopholes or let him win if you disagree with him, whatever. Maybe you should remember that you are still physically and mentally weak right now, maybe you are in no position to be engaging in conflict.

How did you get a 4-year maternity leave? Most women I know take 2-4 months.

**Zsych** · 03-20-2011, 07:36 AM

She's Czech. The system must be different there. The culture in general, and perhaps the behavior of parents, and a lot of other stuff are probably all pretty different.

**aliena** · 03-20-2011, 08:12 AM

Hey, thanks for the support.

I agree that no father is better than terrible father. But I don't think my expartner would be a terrible father - he's "just" hm, noncaring, selfish and irresponisble. Plus there are some partner issues between us two.

Yes, I am from CR, maternity leaves are way different here - sometimes you can choose between 2, 3 and 4 years but I as a student didn't get to choose. It is impossible to put a child in a kindergarten while still on maternity leave - too little places. Unfortunately I don't think I can go to work for a few years, perhaps only if I managed to somehow find some work from home (and I'm pretty sceptical sbout this
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
). I can't leave my child to my parents, they both work fulltime. Nanny and private kindergarten is something a single mum can't afford.

With the degree it isn't so bad, only diploma thesis and final exams missing. But currently I don't manage to work on it, having to care for the baby nonstop. (And as a bonus, my father doesn't support and have understanding for my current studies.) I guess it can be only baby+making some money (if I managed to find something I can do with a baby) or baby+studying (but who will pay the rent?), and still it won't be easy.

I need to think about whether I should gather all my physical strength and go ask parents for help or whether I can make it somehow.

**Zsych** · 03-20-2011, 08:25 AM

Ask parents/friends for help. Coordinate with other single mothers or families that may be willing to help if you can be supportive of them as well.

**Silverity** · 03-20-2011, 08:54 AM

What about student loans and scholarships to cover rent and end of school? I don't know how your system works but over here (Canada) there are a few educational supports for mothers and single mothers.

03-20-2011, 02:17 AM	#1
aliena New Member [01%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 31	I don't know why I'm writing this, perhaps seeking empathy on intj forum? or I don't know. I'm just desperate I guess. I have a child, a 5 months old baby, and I had a boyfriend (father of the baby). I don't know what happened to him that he changed from the best friend I had to an evil unfair thing. I told him we were leaving him this morning (he said at last!). I'm already used to caring for the baby fulltime alone as he really wasn't a loving father (this alone is the toughest thing I've ever done). But I had a place to live and some money and now I don't. I'm on a four-year maternity leave getting money which are not enough even for food. I don't have a flat and I don't have much money saved. I have unfinished master's degree (only diploma thesis and final exams remaining, but still, I probably won't manage with caring for my baby all alone). I probably could stay with my parents (materiallywise) but I'm really scared of my father. Last two years of grammar school when I lived with them were hell. He'll destroy what's left from me if I go there, I know that. I don't have any friends really. I always wanted him to be the closest. The only one who would care is my mum, but I can't really talk to her (because of the father). I'm such a loser! What was I thinking relaying on someone else, believing we'll make a great loving family not like the one I grew up in? Yeah, as my father kept saying since I was like 5 years old, I'm a terrible person and I'll divorce when I'm grown up (I'm not married so technically it;s not a divorce, but...) If I was on my own, things would be great now. I would just start over, simple. Get away from here and go somewhere far, another country, new life from scratch. I just want to run away. I don't know what to do.
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03-20-2011, 04:21 AM	#4
Taryuna Member [04%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 166	I'd say it's better for the baby to grow up without a father than with a terrible father. Of course, those might not be the options a mother wishes for, but it seems they are the only ones you've got. It also seems going back to your parents really isn't an option with your father being that way. By the way, I think I can tell only from those two posts of yours I read just now that his accusations are wrong. You want the best for yourself and your baby, and the thought of your baby growing up in a bad environment makes you desperate. Sounds like you are a good person in a difficult situation. Be strong. This actually sounds similar to the situation my mum was in when I was a baby - and it all turned out well for us. If that's any indication, I think you have a good chance to manage this. You can probably get financial aid from social programs and your ex-boyfriend should also at least help support the child financially. I think in most countries he is even legally forced to pay you some money. You might want to cut all ties to that jerk, but it is his child, too, and he has a duty to give you some help with it, even if it is only money. (Yeah, they say money is not everything, but once you don't have it, it suddenly is...) If you get a cheap flat, maybe it's possible for your mother to visit you there and help without bringing your father into it?
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03-20-2011, 06:46 AM	#5
Il Prodigio Member [13%] MBTI: xxxx Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 536	Right. It is definitely better for the baby to grow up without a father than with a terrible father. because then he/she will have daddy issues, always trying to gain the approval and love of a person who is inept at giving it. I could be completely off base here, but my father was not the best father, and I really only got out of the haze and confusion of that when he passed away. It was like being released from a trance. So maybe if the child never has that experience it will be better for it.
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03-20-2011, 07:19 AM	#6
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,366	Well sister, these kinds of things can happen. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think Artio's points are valid... look for support for young single mothers. My second thought was that even if you don't live with them or ask for money, maybe you can give your child to your parents for a while. Its an imposition of sorts but one that many normal parents would accept. If you have almost no money, at least stay with your parents or friends for a little while. Tell your dad that you and his grandchild need support right now and that you can talk blame later. If you find support for single mothers, maybe you can find other people in the system that you can share rent with or something. Personally, I think that if you could leave your kid with your parents and go get a job (and contribute money) and finish school, you'll be in much better shape. I expect you can also conceivably get child support of some kind from the father, so that might also be an avenue worth checking out. Good luck, be positive, and think in terms of solving problems.
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03-20-2011, 07:25 AM	#7
gestalt Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 3,374	Strongly recommend moving back with your parents, cleaning house and taking care of your child, and finishing your Masters degree online. Your Dad will feel kinder toward you when he has a grandchild bouncing on his knee, and as a daughter you'll be demonstrating that you are growing and thriving toward true self-sufficiency (traditionally it takes a tribe to raise a child though) by completing the M.A. Stay out of any emotional loopholes or let him win if you disagree with him, whatever. Maybe you should remember that you are still physically and mentally weak right now, maybe you are in no position to be engaging in conflict. How did you get a 4-year maternity leave? Most women I know take 2-4 months.
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03-20-2011, 07:36 AM	#8
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,366	She's Czech. The system must be different there. The culture in general, and perhaps the behavior of parents, and a lot of other stuff are probably all pretty different.
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03-20-2011, 08:12 AM	#9
aliena New Member [01%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 31	Hey, thanks for the support. I agree that no father is better than terrible father. But I don't think my expartner would be a terrible father - he's "just" hm, noncaring, selfish and irresponisble. Plus there are some partner issues between us two. Yes, I am from CR, maternity leaves are way different here - sometimes you can choose between 2, 3 and 4 years but I as a student didn't get to choose. It is impossible to put a child in a kindergarten while still on maternity leave - too little places. Unfortunately I don't think I can go to work for a few years, perhaps only if I managed to somehow find some work from home (and I'm pretty sceptical sbout this To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ). I can't leave my child to my parents, they both work fulltime. Nanny and private kindergarten is something a single mum can't afford. With the degree it isn't so bad, only diploma thesis and final exams missing. But currently I don't manage to work on it, having to care for the baby nonstop. (And as a bonus, my father doesn't support and have understanding for my current studies.) I guess it can be only baby+making some money (if I managed to find something I can do with a baby) or baby+studying (but who will pay the rent?), and still it won't be easy. I need to think about whether I should gather all my physical strength and go ask parents for help or whether I can make it somehow.
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03-20-2011, 08:25 AM	#10
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,366	Ask parents/friends for help. Coordinate with other single mothers or families that may be willing to help if you can be supportive of them as well.
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03-20-2011, 08:54 AM	#11
Silverity Core Member [274%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 10,991	What about student loans and scholarships to cover rent and end of school? I don't know how your system works but over here (Canada) there are a few educational supports for mothers and single mothers.
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