Jealousy - Page 2

**Damien Black** · 03-14-2011, 03:06 PM

Why does everyone equate a jealous partner to a controlling partner? Seems too cut and dry.

**Shadizar** · 03-14-2011, 03:08 PM

	Originally Posted by Damien Black To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why does everyone equate a jealous partner to a controlling partner? Seems too cut and dry.

Thought crime

**Nikonman** · 03-14-2011, 06:25 PM

If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to?

No. My SO has several male friends, a few them are very close friends with her.

Why or why not?

See below.

Would you consider yourself the "jealous type"?

No.

Why or why not?

I try to maintain the previously mentioned attitude of "if you don't want to be with me, then leave." However, once I care deeply for my partner, it is not so easy for me to have that attitude. Fortunately, by the time I do care deeply, I also have a lot of trust in my partner, so I don't feel threatened by her friends. It works well for me, because I am either going to not care, or I'm going to feel secure enough in the relationship that I'm not worried about losing her. The couple of times in which that trust has been broken, I simply conclude that my partner was not the person I thought she was, and that gets me back to not caring that she has cheated or left. Don't get me wrong, it still feels like a loss, but the loss is really just the realization that the person I loved was a fiction I'd allowed to be created in my mind.

Some people would say that jealousy is basically insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it?

I have always thought it was based in insecurities, and the most jealous women I've been around were also hiding deep insecurities. Sometimes those may come from having been betrayed. And if your partner has screwed around in previous relationships, that might make you feel more guarded about the past behavior repeating itself.

I've wondered if two people met while cheating on their partners, would their relationship be forever tainted by insecurity? I know one couple that started under those circumstances, and I think they'd be fools if they trusted each other.

Kricket · 03-14-2011, 08:39 PM

If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to?

Doesn't bother me. I'd be more uncomfortable thinking that I'd ended/stifled interesting friendships he might have had otherwise.

Why or why not?

Uncertain.

Would you consider yourself the "jealous type"?

Not the stereotypical jealous type, for certain, which is not to say that I don't get jealous at all- see below.

why or why not?

Mostly because I imagine the "jealous type" would grill his or her partner about their outings with the object of jealousy (out of fear? embarrassment?) and I don't see myself acting in that way.

Some people would say that jealousy is basicly insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it?

I'd say that's true most of the time. It can also be pride and social constructs, which have a root in insecurity themselves. Imagine a jealous woman (or man, whatever) whose partner cavorts in public with another woman, and in their circle of people this is just not done. The jealous woman is going to be judged by the actions of her partner... the next day at lunch with the girls, she's going to get looks and be told that her man is cheating on her, because Soandso saw him with Whatsherface. Suddenly this woman is "unable to keep the attention of her man" or is "blind to his roving eye" no matter how appropriately her partner acted with a friend. Now she has to defend her reputation and she's probably going to get touchy about it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying some people act this way.

I also will say that I get jealous sometimes. There are days when I'm just down, feeling unhappy with myself. Then I see my husband laughing and joking with a coworker (male or female) and I get jealous. Why can't I make him laugh today? What have they got that I don't? Why do I suck? I hate them! The truth is, I see/talk to my husband pretty much 24/7 thanks to the office chat program and, you know, living together. We can't possibly always make each other laugh, always be on that high of sharing information, always anything. There is no deficiency in me and deep down I realize that... I'm just having a bad day.

When you trust your partner, and trust yourself, I think jealousy should melt away.

Going the other way, my husband always expects me to be more jealous than I am. He also expected more drama when we were dating, less straightforward communication- that's just how his previous girlfriends acted and he expected the same from me. He was falling over himself to apologize for winding up going to lunch with his best friend's girlfriend (alone! gasp!) when his best friend couldn't make it to the restaurant at the last minute.

For the sake of just plain old respect, I wouldn't meet up with my single male friends for dinner. I want my behavior in all things to be beyond the shadow of a doubt good, and doubly so when it comes to my relationship with my DH.

**Damien Black** · 03-14-2011, 10:24 PM

	Originally Posted by Shadizar To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Thought crime

elaborate?

**MichelleCDiaz** · 03-14-2011, 10:38 PM

No, I would not be jealous. I would trust that person, and if I don't trust that person enough then I should have not chosen to be in a relationship with them in the first place.

**Shadizar** · 03-14-2011, 11:00 PM

	Originally Posted by Damien Black To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	elaborate?

It becomes a crime to look at other people - of the sex you're attracted too - because you may be thinking of them "in that way" and heaven forbid you smile at them. Thus, a jealous partner is a controlling partner.

03-14-2011, 03:06 PM	#26
Damien Black Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 207	Why does everyone equate a jealous partner to a controlling partner? Seems too cut and dry.
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03-14-2011, 06:25 PM	#28
Nikonman Member [18%] MBTI: IxTJ Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 727	If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to? No. My SO has several male friends, a few them are very close friends with her. Why or why not? See below. Would you consider yourself the "jealous type"? No. Why or why not? I try to maintain the previously mentioned attitude of "if you don't want to be with me, then leave." However, once I care deeply for my partner, it is not so easy for me to have that attitude. Fortunately, by the time I do care deeply, I also have a lot of trust in my partner, so I don't feel threatened by her friends. It works well for me, because I am either going to not care, or I'm going to feel secure enough in the relationship that I'm not worried about losing her. The couple of times in which that trust has been broken, I simply conclude that my partner was not the person I thought she was, and that gets me back to not caring that she has cheated or left. Don't get me wrong, it still feels like a loss, but the loss is really just the realization that the person I loved was a fiction I'd allowed to be created in my mind. Some people would say that jealousy is basically insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it? I have always thought it was based in insecurities, and the most jealous women I've been around were also hiding deep insecurities. Sometimes those may come from having been betrayed. And if your partner has screwed around in previous relationships, that might make you feel more guarded about the past behavior repeating itself. I've wondered if two people met while cheating on their partners, would their relationship be forever tainted by insecurity? I know one couple that started under those circumstances, and I think they'd be fools if they trusted each other.
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03-14-2011, 08:39 PM	#29
Kricket Veteran Member [81%] MBTI: INfJ Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 3,254	If you are in a relationship with someone--would you mind if he or she has many friends of the gender they are attracted to? Doesn't bother me. I'd be more uncomfortable thinking that I'd ended/stifled interesting friendships he might have had otherwise. Why or why not? Uncertain. Would you consider yourself the "jealous type"? Not the stereotypical jealous type, for certain, which is not to say that I don't get jealous at all- see below. why or why not? Mostly because I imagine the "jealous type" would grill his or her partner about their outings with the object of jealousy (out of fear? embarrassment?) and I don't see myself acting in that way. Some people would say that jealousy is basicly insecurity--could you contribute a different reasoning for it? I'd say that's true most of the time. It can also be pride and social constructs, which have a root in insecurity themselves. Imagine a jealous woman (or man, whatever) whose partner cavorts in public with another woman, and in their circle of people this is just not done. The jealous woman is going to be judged by the actions of her partner... the next day at lunch with the girls, she's going to get looks and be told that her man is cheating on her, because Soandso saw him with Whatsherface. Suddenly this woman is "unable to keep the attention of her man" or is "blind to his roving eye" no matter how appropriately her partner acted with a friend. Now she has to defend her reputation and she's probably going to get touchy about it. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying some people act this way. I also will say that I get jealous sometimes. There are days when I'm just down, feeling unhappy with myself. Then I see my husband laughing and joking with a coworker (male or female) and I get jealous. Why can't I make him laugh today? What have they got that I don't? Why do I suck? I hate them! The truth is, I see/talk to my husband pretty much 24/7 thanks to the office chat program and, you know, living together. We can't possibly always make each other laugh, always be on that high of sharing information, always anything. There is no deficiency in me and deep down I realize that... I'm just having a bad day. When you trust your partner, and trust yourself, I think jealousy should melt away. Going the other way, my husband always expects me to be more jealous than I am. He also expected more drama when we were dating, less straightforward communication- that's just how his previous girlfriends acted and he expected the same from me. He was falling over himself to apologize for winding up going to lunch with his best friend's girlfriend (alone! gasp!) when his best friend couldn't make it to the restaurant at the last minute. For the sake of just plain old respect, I wouldn't meet up with my single male friends for dinner. I want my behavior in all things to be beyond the shadow of a doubt good, and doubly so when it comes to my relationship with my DH.
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03-14-2011, 10:38 PM	#31
MichelleCDiaz Member [02%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 92	No, I would not be jealous. I would trust that person, and if I don't trust that person enough then I should have not chosen to be in a relationship with them in the first place.
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