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Dating an ISFP dating, intj and isfp, relationships
Old 02-19-2011, 10:50 AM   #1
flux88
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I've starting seeing this ISFP and I'm really enjoying it so far but I don't think it will last. She is spontaneous, silly, thinks everything has feelings including inanimate objects, musically talented (I don't think she realises how much of a turn on this is), very easy going and whimsical. However she texts me all the time, doesn't really appeal strongly to my intellect and desire for growth.

I'm also starting to think she is a virgin. Not sure why mostly just a feeling. I don't know if I can be bothered at all with this relationship if she is. Are ISFP likely to be?

Any thoughts?
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Old 02-19-2011, 10:52 AM   #2
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Admit that relationships are about feelings, enjoyment, and supporting each other. If you're getting that, you're getting much of what you should expect from a relationship. I'm not sure I trust ISFPs, so lets stick with the feelings and enjoyment part.
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Old 02-19-2011, 11:08 AM   #3
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Yeah I like that. She is fun to be with and that's the most important thing so far. Lack of trust? She going to cheat on me? Why do I find that funny? It's not just this relationship though imagining my SO cheating seems amusing. Maybe if I was head over hells in love (never happened) then it would hurt.
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Old 02-19-2011, 01:41 PM   #4
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IF she's a virgin and she's over a certain age, and you don't think you'll ever fall in love, I'd pass. She probably won't give it up unless you mislead her into thinking you are in love with her.

But, if she is a virgin over a certain age, I'd say it's unlikely she'd cheat on you. But since you find that funny, it doesn't seem like you'd care.
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:07 PM   #5
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Sounds like it's time to brush up on my detective skills.
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:19 PM   #6
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No, that is the WRONG way to find something out. You want to find out personal stuff from the person. Otherwise, you'll know too much and you have to pretend you don't know anything. It makes the relationship false. Believe me. I don't know how a detective could find that out anyway.

Look, if you think she's too much of a prude for you, she may very well be, virgin or not. She could have had sex once at 15 and never again. Would that make a difference? (Not unreasonable to suspect. I started getting pressure from boys in 6th or 7th grade. )
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:29 PM   #7
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  Originally Posted by flux88
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I've starting seeing this ISFP and I'm really enjoying it so far but I don't think it will last. She is spontaneous, silly, thinks everything has feelings including inanimate objects, musically talented (I don't think she realises how much of a turn on this is), very easy going and whimsical. However she texts me all the time, doesn't really appeal strongly to my intellect and desire for growth.

I'm also starting to think she is a virgin. Not sure why mostly just a feeling. I don't know if I can be bothered at all with this relationship if she is. Are ISFP likely to be?

Any thoughts?

In my experience, relationships like this don't tend to last (unless, perhaps, her S is really weak) and if you don't feel a strong connection to her, you should probably break it off for her sake. I dated an ESFP for a long time and tried to make it work, but the fact is, she cared about fashion, starbucks, everyday details, and being seen together, and I cared about intellectual connection, mutual personal growth, and quiet times we could share together.

The fact that you see virginity as a bad thing, if she is, in fact, a virgin, is perhaps yet another reason why you should consider parting ways, because she has probably remained a virgin becuase it's important to her. Heck, I don't mind sharing that I'm a virgin and it's important to me; ideally, I'd like my potential future wife to be a virgin as well so that there are no comparisons, no bad memories no emotional scarring from it all... Just a special thing we can share. The odds are the ISFP is doing it for similar reasons; she sees it as a precious thing to be shared with only a future spouse. Sensors also tend to value tradition more than Ns, so perhaps that is a motivating factor as well.

I know that any two personality types can maintain a healthy relationship given enough energy and mutual understanding, but in my experience, the S/N preference is the MOST important factor to have in common.

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Old 02-19-2011, 02:46 PM   #8
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  Originally Posted by flux88
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I'm also starting to think she is a virgin. Not sure why mostly just a feeling. I don't know if I can be bothered at all with this relationship if she is.

I'm not an ISFP, but for some reason people always think I'm a virgin even though I'm not. I think it might stem from being raised in a very religious environment.

Anyway, why don't you just ask her about her what she thinks about waiting till marriage? It'd be easier than playing detective. Also, I'm just curious...are you concerned about her willingness to have sex or inexperience?

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Old 02-19-2011, 02:58 PM   #9
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People always assume I'm religious and traditional and have strict parents. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just think for myself, and sometimes that means being uncool or more traditional. I don't care about following what the crowd thinks.
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:11 PM   #10
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  Originally Posted by flux88
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I've starting seeing this ISFP and I'm really enjoying it so far but I don't think it will last. She is spontaneous, silly, thinks everything has feelings including inanimate objects, musically talented (I don't think she realises how much of a turn on this is), very easy going and whimsical. However she texts me all the time, doesn't really appeal strongly to my intellect and desire for growth.

I'm also starting to think she is a virgin. Not sure why mostly just a feeling. I don't know if I can be bothered at all with this relationship if she is. Are ISFP likely to be?

Any thoughts?

Well, you obviously don't really care about her, so it would probably be best for you to end the relationship as soon as possible.

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Old 02-19-2011, 07:40 PM   #11
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A close friend of mine is an ISFP who's made it clear that she has feelings for me. I enjoy spending time with her, but I think the communication is not on the deep level that I require of a potential mate. I don't think I could be fully myself around her: she wouldn't understand me.

I think you wouldn't be happy with her as your SO in the long run. You'll feel like you're dumbing yourself down - not to say N is necessarily smarter, but simply that communication has to appeal to a common denominator, which means being less abstract. It also sounds like you two have different values, if you think she's a virgin and are troubled by this (I for one would be troubled if my SO weren't a virgin).
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Old 02-19-2011, 08:46 PM   #12
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I had to turn down an ISFP's flirtations towards me about a couple weeks ago, and she was unfortunately emotionally devastated. She was also a virgin and at age 30. I think a typical ISFP tends to be "clingy" and has little career ambition. I don't think you would be able to have any kind of intellectual conversation with her.
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Old 02-21-2011, 02:35 AM   #13
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  Originally Posted by flux88
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I've starting seeing this ISFP and I'm really enjoying it so far but I don't think it will last. She is spontaneous, silly, thinks everything has feelings including inanimate objects, musically talented (I don't think she realises how much of a turn on this is), very easy going and whimsical. However she texts me all the time, doesn't really appeal strongly to my intellect and desire for growth.

I'm also starting to think she is a virgin. Not sure why mostly just a feeling. I don't know if I can be bothered at all with this relationship if she is. Are ISFP likely to be?

Any thoughts?

Based on what you have written, it appears as if though you like the idea of her more so than who she is.

Regarding excessive text messages--have you spoken to her about it? I'm rather curious as to what the text messages are about. Presumably based on most text-happy girls that I have come across, they seem to just want to be acknowledged. Maybe being spontaneous has a contributing factor?

I guess ultimately it has to do with what you want from a relationship eg. a fling, or growth (as you have mentioned). Personally, I am beginning to realize that both growth and "intellectual stimulation" so to speak, could be found elsewhere other than just a partner.

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Old 02-21-2011, 10:18 AM   #14
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Yes, I have thoughts. You care about sex, not a relationship with her as far as I can tell. You seem unable to discuss important things with her. Either end the relationship or learn how to communicate.
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:07 PM   #15
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You all seem to think I'm a horrible bastard. I guess I shouldn't expect anything different from the way I talk. I will deal with all your queries and maybe by doing so I'll give you a better grasp of the situation at hand. I will try to restrict my sarky wit by extensive use of the delete key. I already have one warning from trying to be funny and it would be an absolute tragedy if I were prevented from filling your time up with my drivel.

  Originally Posted by AnaK
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IF she's a virgin and she's over a certain age, and you don't think you'll ever fall in love, I'd pass. She probably won't give it up unless you mislead her into thinking you are in love with her.

I'm working on the correct way to explain myself to her as we speak. She has deep feelings and I like her but there will be no love so she must know asap.

  Originally Posted by AnaK
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Look, if you think she's too much of a prude for you, she may very well be, virgin or not. She could have had sex once at 15 and never again. Would that make a difference? (Not unreasonable to suspect. I started getting pressure from boys in 6th or 7th grade. )

I'm looking for a certain amount of experience so no it wouldn't make a difference.

  Originally Posted by AnaK
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But, if she is a virgin over a certain age, I'd say it's unlikely she'd cheat on you. But since you find that funny, it doesn't seem like you'd care.

I don't think she will either. I have a sick sense of humor. Thanks for your input.

  Originally Posted by Sesquipedalian
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In my experience, relationships like this don't tend to last (unless, perhaps, her S is really weak) and if you don't feel a strong connection to her, you should probably break it off for her sake. I dated an ESFP for a long time and tried to make it work, but the fact is, she cared about fashion, starbucks, everyday details, and being seen together, and I cared about intellectual connection, mutual personal growth, and quiet times we could share together.

The fact that you see virginity as a bad thing, if she is, in fact, a virgin, is perhaps yet another reason why you should consider parting ways, because she has probably remained a virgin becuase it's important to her. Heck, I don't mind sharing that I'm a virgin and it's important to me; ideally, I'd like my potential future wife to be a virgin as well so that there are no comparisons, no bad memories no emotional scarring from it all... Just a special thing we can share. The odds are the ISFP is doing it for similar reasons; she sees it as a precious thing to be shared with only a future spouse. Sensors also tend to value tradition more than Ns, so perhaps that is a motivating factor as well.

I know that any two personality types can maintain a healthy relationship given enough energy and mutual understanding, but in my experience, the S/N preference is the MOST important factor to have in common.

I agree. Thanks for your input 5/5

  Originally Posted by ricearoni
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I'm not an ISFP, but for some reason people always think I'm a virgin even though I'm not. I think it might stem from being raised in a very religious environment.

You probably already know this but I'll just reaffirm it. That's a complement not criticism. People have no dignity (yeah laugh 'coming from me').

  Originally Posted by ricearoni
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Anyway, why don't you just ask her about her what she thinks about waiting till marriage? It'd be easier than playing detective. Also, I'm just curious...are you concerned about her willingness to have sex or inexperience?

Inexperience. I find willingness to have sex a huge turn off. I've turned down fairly attractive girls in the past because of their willingness to have sex. Strange. What is even more strange though in my deep fantasy (or at some pure lust level) I'm having sex with them. I want the thrill of the chase I guess. I must have seduction. Further discussion in this area would be most helpful.

Also I see your INFJ. My best friend is an INFJ. I bet your really fun to be around. INTJ delight.

  Originally Posted by AnaK
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People always assume I'm religious and traditional and have strict parents. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just think for myself, and sometimes that means being uncool or more traditional. I don't care about following what the crowd thinks.

I don't think many on this forum do. I think the crowd is full of blinkin' idiots.

  Originally Posted by freeeekyyy
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Well, you obviously don't really care about her, so it would probably be best for you to end the relationship as soon as possible.

Wrong. I care about her. The more I get to know the more I want to help. Her feelings run incredibly deep and she has had a rough past. Thanks for your input/quick judgement 1/5

  Originally Posted by jerdol
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A close friend of mine is an ISFP who's made it clear that she has feelings for me. I enjoy spending time with her, but I think the communication is not on the deep level that I require of a potential mate. I don't think I could be fully myself around her: she wouldn't understand me.

I think you wouldn't be happy with her as your SO in the long run. You'll feel like you're dumbing yourself down - not to say N is necessarily smarter, but simply that communication has to appeal to a common denominator, which means being less abstract. It also sounds like you two have different values, if you think she's a virgin and are troubled by this (I for one would be troubled if my SO weren't a virgin).

Exactly how I feel.

  Originally Posted by jkatra
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I had to turn down an ISFP's flirtations towards me about a couple weeks ago, and she was unfortunately emotionally devastated. She was also a virgin and at age 30. I think a typical ISFP tends to be "clingy" and has little career ambition. I don't think you would be able to have any kind of intellectual conversation with her.

Yes I sense this will be the case. She doesn't belittle intellectual engagements like ISTJs but they go way over her head.

  Originally Posted by Insomey
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Based on what you have written, it appears as if though you like the idea of her more so than who she is.

Probably but it's dawning on me now.

  Originally Posted by Insomey
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Regarding excessive text messages--have you spoken to her about it? I'm rather curious as to what the text messages are about. Presumably based on most text-happy girls that I have come across, they seem to just want to be acknowledged. Maybe being spontaneous has a contributing factor?

She doesn't text that much. They are usually just sweet and pointless. Lots of emotional text face things.

  Originally Posted by Insomey
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I guess ultimately it has to do with what you want from a relationship eg. a fling, or growth (as you have mentioned). Personally, I am beginning to realize that both growth and "intellectual stimulation" so to speak, could be found elsewhere other than just a partner.

Of course it can. I don't actually want a partner merely for intellectual stimulation and growth. I want someone to appeal to another side of me but at the same time "get it" if you know what I mean.

  Originally Posted by Solaris
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Yes, I have thoughts. You care about sex, not a relationship with her as far as I can tell. You seem unable to discuss important things with her. Either end the relationship or learn how to communicate.

We only just met! I think I've learnt more about communication in relation to interpersonal relationships due to the myer-briggs than I have more whole life. Suddenly people make sense to me and it is truly liberating.

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Old 02-21-2011, 07:20 PM   #16
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It seems to me you have a very superior attitude. She seems like a nice person, and you seem very condescending towards her.

---------- Post added 02-21-2011 at 07:21 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by flux88
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Inexperience. I find willingness to have sex a huge turn off. I've turned down fairly attractive girls in the past because of their willingness to have sex. Strange. What is even more strange though in my deep fantasy (or at some pure lust level) I'm having sex with them. I want the thrill of the chase I guess. I must have seduction. Further discussion in this area would be most helpful.

How are you going to find sexual experience and an unwillingness to have sex in the same person?

---------- Post added 02-21-2011 at 07:32 PM ----------

  Originally Posted by flux88
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I'm working on the correct way to explain myself to her as we speak. She has deep feelings and I like her but there will be no love so she must know asap.

How do you know she has such deep feelings? You don't seem like the type a girl would easily put her guard down around.

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Old 02-21-2011, 07:36 PM   #17
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So tell her you are interested in short-term dating only. Or maybe consider that you'd make better friends than lovers. This is ok to admit. I have had some awesome friends that would make awful romantic partners.

My "end it or learn to communicate" is really specifically in regard to ISFPs. I was married to an ISFP guy, and I couldn't take it. I'd talk, wanting/needing to discuss relationship things and he'd act like a wall and then wonder why I got mad. We never were able to work out communicating as he just wouldn't communicate nor give me ideas on how to help. Off I went.
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Old 02-22-2011, 12:23 AM   #18
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  Originally Posted by Solaris
So tell her you are interested in short-term dating only.

Short-term dating is like cooking food you don't like.

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Old 02-22-2011, 01:05 AM   #19
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  Originally Posted by jerdol
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Short-term dating is like cooking food you don't like.

Maybe to you, but not to everyone. It's a valid suggestion.

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Old 02-25-2011, 02:09 AM   #20
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SFPs generally are awful for NTJs. We're opposites and once the differences has worn off does the ugliness appear. I dated an ISFP not just once, but another one so twice for a couple months. Usually when I date women, I give them a month before I decide to cut loose and keep in mind I do not do anything physical. With those ISFPs I gave them several months and they just didn't match up to the qualities that I want in a long term partner.

ISFPs online are seen as "flower children" They are great mates but you have to do all the work, They're so passive. As an INTJ you might think of this as a challenge but it grows old very fast and usually the only way to rectify this is to "move in together" so communication is strong between the both of you because they deal with things immediately rather than communicate through phone/email proactively to you. You presume they are harmless, the truth is they are kinda like ISTPs. They're great to work with, horrible to be in personal relationships with for an NTJ.

Unfortunately NTs do not move in with anyone unless there is certainty of compatibility between the two. While the INTP-ISFJ is successful because the ISFJ strives for constant communication compared to the lazy fat face INTPs and they almost don't mind doing it. However the ISFP is nothing like the ISFJ and INTJs obviously won't be bothered with such communication unless necessary. In fact the two individuals are alike in that sense. Whereas INTJs care about growth and switching it up, ISFPs generally don't give a shit.

ISFP women and men are generally cute looking from which they can reel desirable mates in easily with their appearance but they are selfish in expecting the other partner to do the work for them. But here's the shit-kicker. If you dominate or lead too much they will start rebelling. It's almost self contradictory in a way if you think about it. I'd rather go for an ISFJ/ESFJ(if they're not the loud mouth ones) cause they have practical attributes and provide structure unlike the ISFP.

They will throw you a bait and then expect you to do the rest and if you're not up to the task they will move on. They sure are loyal, but only until you say good bye and they won't make much effort to bandaid a relationship falling apart. I know an INFJ-ISFP married couple and the INFJ always seems stressed and worn out from the relationship.

What do the following people have in common:

Anna Nicole Smith
Michael Jackson
Elizabeth Taylor
Marilyn Monroe

All ISFPs. Do you wanna date one of those people?

If INTJ goes into "Advice Mode" where we sound objective and critical they will flee and think you are attacking them while an ISFJ will be defensive and soften you or an ESFJ will listen and adjust. an ISFP/ESFP will just flee the conflict and ignore what you said.
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Old 04-12-2011, 02:01 PM   #21
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Warning: 2nd post ever = ranting still in my system. Also I'm at work so my proof reading is spotty at best (and mediocre at best to boot! but us mighty INTJs should be able to grasp concepts without proper grammer amirite?)

Im in a relationship with someone that is an ISFP and I figured I'd chime in a bit myself. The hardest thing for me to accept was that emotions are to her, what information and ideas are to me. Those random texts are not random, shes driven by emotion most of the time and so those times she texts you are likely moments where shes feeling particularly sentimental towards you. The spontaneity that comes from this is a double edged sword, however if the other person is understanding of your differences this can be a great way to add spice to your life if you're as metered as I am in your actions.

I dont know other ISFPs to compare to, but with my ISFP I found it very liberating to have someone that was more emotionally oriented. In discussing relationship issues I often times have difficulty communicating complex emotions and feelings through words. Because she lives in emotion and has taken the time to get to get to know me, she can often understand what I'm saying without me fully explaining it. There's been times where she knew what i meant even if she couldnt explain it herself really (shed try to explain using partial analogies that were along the lines of what i was struggling to form in my own brain, so i figured it was safe to assume she got what i was trying to say). Its to the point now where context and a hand gesture have communicated (once or twice) something I couldn't put into words properly!

The other nice thing about seeing an ISFP is that I can more comfortably explore other parts of myself. I believe i have a very buried artistic/emotional side that im self conscious about bringing out (this usually stems from internal standards than concern about standards). But because she knows me/how difficult it is for me, along with it being her forte, she loves when I am that way and encourages me constantly. Where my last gf (isfj i believe) would often times comment on how corny something was on tv or in passing. This would make me hesitant to blurt out something emotional or sentimental in those small instances where I wanted to because I would over analyze whether what i was saying was corny or not.

I will say that my ISFP is much more cerebral than others I've heard described. She enjoys exchanging ideas and will let me go into lecture/rant mode often and even respond when other people would have rolled their eyes and called it a day (when they run out of valid points most often ;P) and i find myself talking with .
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