[overthought]

So, I met a woman I thought was interesting and attractive through mutual friends. So, I asked her and out after a couple weeks of knowing her casually and she agreed. She says she feels flattered and good about it.

We talk quite a bit through various means, chat clients, text message, etc and its obvious that she trusts me and likes me, because she talks to me about the things that make her happy and the things that make her insecure.

We are dating over distance,a four to five hours drive apart and well, we are both busy people, so meeting up doesn't happen often. In fact, we haven't had an opportunity to spend time in person since I asked her out. I have plans to see her next month and she was amicable to those plans. I don't consider us a "relationship" at this point, just because well, we haven't had time to really develop knowing each other yet.

Despite all this, being fairly certain she isn't going to cut and run to another guy, because I can tell she is the type who likes to invest in one man and feel supported by him, I am feeling a bit insecure about it. I don't know why, I am a confident man on most everything. I think I am just reliving past poor treatment by women. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is not the past.

Any advice on how to do that? I don't want to lose someone good over stupid past demons eating me up.

[kazzamunga]

well buddy, all sounds good to me! i'm not the best person to give advice on how to ignore the past, as i don't have a whole lot of people in my past, but i kinda think it's healthy that you feel like that, because it shows you're investing something into it, without which the whole thing would be fairly pointless, especially given the distance (which is always a killer).

if she is telling you the things that make her insecure, is it something you could talk to her about and be honest about? not by coming out and saying 'i'm insecure about this whole thing', but maybe by divulging a bit about your past, and what upset you and has left the scars...then, she'll know which way to approach things with you...esp if she's an INFJ, they're good at those things
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. i dunno. that seems to me to be a way of...talking things through and therefore letting them go, and at the same time letting her into your thought processes a little, which is a good starting point to building up more trust than perhaps these past partners warranted or cultivated.

well, good luck
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!

[Lyra]

I agree with Kazza, if you're feeling on edge about it casually bring it up in one of your chats. We infjs understand the need for reassurance and are always happy to provide it. She'll likely find your vulnerability endearing
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besides, could be she feels the same too.

I can't speak for all infjs but certainly I'm a big softie at heart and if a guy broached me with this worry I'd find it sweet and it wouldnt put me off. All signs from what youve said are looking good so far. Good luck, hope it works out for you
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[Autumnleaf]

You just have to get over it and do what you know you need to to maintain the relationship.

If you want to you can tell her about your worry. Just don't dwell on it.

Its probably too soon for you to be worrying about these things anyways as you don't know each other well yet, according to the amount of time you've spent together.

Try to relax and enjoy it.

[overthought]

I talked to her about it. I explained how I felt, which isn't the easiest thing for an INTJ, let me tell you. She was very understanding and assuring. That wasn't the response I expected, but I take it is as further proof she is as genuine as I take her to be.

I find it interesting that she handles my directness about what I think and feel pretty well. Is that an infj thing?

[WyohKnott]

I can't speak for all INFJs, but I like directness. Although I'm pretty good at coping with indirect or manipulative communication, I only really feel like I can relax with someone who means exactly what he says. It makes life so much less complicated.

[aristos achaion]

	Originally Posted by overthought To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I talked to her about it. I explained how I felt, which isn't the easiest thing for an INTJ, let me tell you. She was very understanding and assuring. That wasn't the response I expected, but I take it is as further proof she is as genuine as I take her to be. I find it interesting that she handles my directness about what I think and feel pretty well. Is that an infj thing?

Dude...you hit the nail so squarely on the head...I can't even phrase how happy that makes me. Actually, confiding that sort of thing to her is probably good for your relationship -- she'll see that as a sign of your trust in her and a sign that the emotions she's seeing in you are genuine, helping her trust you. Lack of that sort of emotional giving is a problem I have with INTJs a lot...I can't get close to a person unless we can confide in each other.

We INFJs are weird...we're very emotional types, commonly due to breakdowns, but we can also be really emotionally strong and understanding. So, be prepared to comfort her during some crying sessions (she'll ask why you love her, say she's an awful person, be convinced she's awful at her chosen profession...) and be prepared to share your own fears and misgivings. Oh, and if she asks what's wrong, it's because she's picking up some negative emotions from you. Try to figure out an answer--it could just be stress, and even sickness can trigger that reaction from us. Whatever you do, don't just say "nothing" and continue...we won't be able to ignore it, trust me. It's as though you'd come into the conversation with blood dripping down your shirt, and when we asked how you got hurt you say you didn't and expect us to ignore it.

I could write a short book on the subject, since I just had a nasty breakup with an INTJ mainly over personality mismatch. It's definitely not hopeless, but you'll both need to compromise. You'll need to understand that her emotions are powerful enough to absolutely require comfort, even in pretty illogical situations (e.g., it's 4AM and you want to sleep, you've got a big project due tomorrow, &c.), and she'll need to understand that she needs to keep her current support network of close friends active in her life, not rely exclusively on you like she'll want to...trust me, you can't do that for her.

Our emotions are basically a force of nature...don't underestimate and definitely don't ignore. Once you get us back to lucidity, we'll be logical again...just be sweet to us till then, because hurting us while we're emotional (and, probably, convinced that we're a horrible, inept human being) will undermine trust.