[plotthickens]

Just because it hasn't been said enough: time to start protecting yourself, financially and emotionally. Make sure you live someplace they can't move into with you. Make sure your finanaces are locked down, away from their grasp.

See a shrink. Maybe they'll have some advice on how to help your dad. At least they'll have some advice for how you can distance yourself from this about-to-be-trainwreck.

[strangeronabus]

Punch in the face? I am sorry, but your father is a loser and at 64, with nearly two decades of doing nothing with his life, he is about as unemployable as one can get, even if he wanted to get a job.

The one who needs help here is your mother, but it is probably too late for her to take back control of her life. There is always hope though

---------- Post added 02-02-2011 at 10:40 PM ----------

Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Just because it hasn't been said enough: time to start protecting yourself, financially and emotionally. Make sure you live someplace they can't move into with you. Make sure your finanaces are locked down, away from their grasp. See a shrink. Maybe they'll have some advice on how to help your dad. At least they'll have some advice for how you can distance yourself from this about-to-be-trainwreck.

I agree. Your mother's and father's situation has "slow-moving trainwreck imminent" written all over it..your mother should do what she can to prepare herself, and you should too. Keep your finances separate and basically protect yourself and your life and future.

They no longer have a future. You do

[Myrna]

Your father will not be able to get a job, not only because of how long it has taken him, but because there are very few philosophy professorships; that just isn't where the money is. As for taking forever to get it, many people make the mistake that the Ph.D. thesis should be your crowning achievement, when it should just be the first in a long line of research efforts. Regardless, he will not be able to get a job in this field; it is hard enough for those who are 30 years old.

[childofprodigy]

	Originally Posted by Myrna To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Your father will not be able to get a job, not only because of how long it has taken him, but because there are very few philosophy professorships; that just isn't where the money is.

lol The OP only mentioned that his dad has an MPhil...MPhil does not necessarily mean philosophy.....it's just a type of degree that is one step beneath PhD...it could be in any field

[Opressoliber]

PhD for 18 years,lol...

Kind of like the Rocky of the academic world.

[Latro]

...Ugh. There are all kinds of websites that talk about this specific issue (overly lofty dissertation dreams). One example I saw that was really striking to me was Einstein's PhD. Apparently this was a principled calculation of Avagadro's number. It was (known to be, even at the time) off by a factor of 3. He still got his PhD, and only afterward became the man we all think of now.

No idea how you salvage a situation like that even if his behavior were otherwise fine, but given that his behavior is very clearly not fine, I'm gonna concur with the mob and say that it's not your problem.

[Nemesis]

I'm sorry, but I find 18 years in a PhD program very hard to believe. I call bullshit.

[ktgrey]

The Einstein PhD saga is pretty interesting because, if my memory serves me right, he got like 5 papers rejected, including his relativity paper, had a fallout with his adviser, and was heard to declare things like "the whole comedy has become boring to me".

Anyway, I think the main issue here is that the OP's dad's PhD is not her business, HOWEVER, it is certainly her business if she has to pay for her parents' retirement, given that they have no savings and seem to be lacking an income stream due to said lack of PhD. Furthermore as a PhD student she may have student loans of her own to deal with. So the whole issue is only not her problem if she chooses not to give financial support to her parents.

Unfortunately, if she does there is really no good resolution to the problem.

	Originally Posted by Nemesis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm sorry, but I find 18 years in a PhD program very hard to believe. I call bullshit.

*popcorn*

[Nemesis]

	Originally Posted by ktgrey To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	*popcorn*

Hmmm, I just looked into it and the world record for longest PhD is held by Robert Cronin who began his degree on 9 Feb 1948 and graduated 30 May 2000. 52 years.

Guess it's possible. Just very odd because many universities and departments have cut-offs at about 8-9 years.

[jamessmith]

Sounds like the kind of a guy that didn't get beat enough as a child.

[Myrna]

	Originally Posted by childofprodigy To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	lol The OP only mentioned that his dad has an MPhil...MPhil does not necessarily mean philosophy.....it's just a type of degree that is one step beneath PhD...it could be in any field

LOL I hadn't heard of this degree but apparently it's the same as ABD for those schools where you can't get a master's in passing.


Mistress Myrna
(not really, but ABD)

[egokiller]

Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I don't know how one can handle a situation like mine. My dad has been ABD and not employed anywhere for 18 years now! He received his MPhill from a top university and stayed on for the PhD. The problem is, he started his PhD at the age of 46 and is now 64 (and has been a home husband/unemployed for 18 years). He is also a bit of a narcissist and insists that he will produce a great piece of work and that is why it is taking him 18 years! Give me a break! I am also a PhD student and will get mine next year before I turn 30 and mine would only take 4 1/2 years. The problem is that my mom has worked all of these years to support us (I moved out 5 years ago so they are no longer supporting me) and he is living off of her. They have always been very much in love, but lately I sense she has had it with him. She was unemployed for two years but is recently back at work and feels that an undue burden has been placed on her. They have very few savings left and don't own their own home. If, heaven forbid, one of them ends up sick, I don't know what I am going to do (I am an only child). I have talked with my father many times and he gets very angry when confronted by my mom or by me. There have been times when he has gotten violent too! I am due for a home visit in two months and I will have to have a talk with him.....he has to find work ASAP or else they will suffer financially in the near future. I don't know how to bring this up without him getting angry or violent. Any suggestions? My advise to older PhDs is to consider carefully whether getting this degree is worth it for you. If you believe that you can do it in as few years as possibly, by all means, do it. If, however, you take your sweet time and spend as long as my father, your life might end in ruins.

If he has his masters he can always teach at community college or University of Phoenix! I know a guy who got his masters in anthropology and went back to do is pre-med requirements now, but is pulling in 2k every 6 weeks teaching a bunch of classes online.

Other than that its time to acknowledge the fact that you or anyone else has any control. Flow with it and don't make your parents problems your problems. Not to say you shouldn't be there, but again you have no control.

[tandoori85]

Seems to me that you're father is afraid to finish.

[TylerRDA]

Sounds like a classic cerebral narcissist to me. Dump him, now.You're an adult, you don't need him. You can't help your mom. Make is brutally clear that you will no longer be a source of Narcissistic Supply. I have a friend in a similar situation, and that is really the best thing you can do.

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Autumnleaf]

You dad has reached retirement age and you want him to go get a job. Ha ha ha. Tell you father I respect his ability to not have to work for 18 years while a woman supports him. Your father has skillz.

As for him beating your mother... call the constable the next time it happens. That is a nobrainer.

You won't get your father to change, although if your mother is really fed up she may leave him.

[Savagelight]

Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I don't know how one can handle a situation like mine. My dad has been ABD and not employed anywhere for 18 years now! He received his MPhill from a top university and stayed on for the PhD. The problem is, he started his PhD at the age of 46 and is now 64 (and has been a home husband/unemployed for 18 years). He is also a bit of a narcissist and insists that he will produce a great piece of work and that is why it is taking him 18 years! Give me a break! I am also a PhD student and will get mine next year before I turn 30 and mine would only take 4 1/2 years. The problem is that my mom has worked all of these years to support us (I moved out 5 years ago so they are no longer supporting me) and he is living off of her. They have always been very much in love, but lately I sense she has had it with him. She was unemployed for two years but is recently back at work and feels that an undue burden has been placed on her. They have very few savings left and don't own their own home. If, heaven forbid, one of them ends up sick, I don't know what I am going to do (I am an only child). I have talked with my father many times and he gets very angry when confronted by my mom or by me. There have been times when he has gotten violent too! I am due for a home visit in two months and I will have to have a talk with him.....he has to find work ASAP or else they will suffer financially in the near future. I don't know how to bring this up without him getting angry or violent. Any suggestions? My advise to older PhDs is to consider carefully whether getting this degree is worth it for you. If you believe that you can do it in as few years as possibly, by all means, do it. If, however, you take your sweet time and spend as long as my father, your life might end in ruins.

When the roles were reversed and men worked and women were housewives, the men did not threaten to kick out or abandon their wives. Now that we have a world of equality between the genders, women are facing traditionally the same dilemmas that men used to face.

It's simple, just be happy. If you aren't happy then you are doing something wrong. If there is physical violence causing that unhappiness then put an end to it by any means necessary.

[castalia]

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You dad has reached retirement age and you want him to go get a job. Ha ha ha. Tell you father I respect his ability to not have to work for 18 years while a woman supports him. Your father has skillz.

Yes, and he is also quite misogynist and does not trust women. This from a guy who tought his mother was a saint, has three sisters, a wife who supports him for 18 years, and a daughter who has done very well in life. I don't know what to call his condition.....cerebral narcissism perhaps?

[Monte314]

It's all been said. Ingrained pathology of this sort isn't going to be addressed by anything you can do. Your mom has made her choice. You have to make yours.

[SShack]

	Originally Posted by castalia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Yes, and he is also quite misogynist and does not trust women. This from a guy who tought his mother was a saint, has three sisters, a wife who supports him for 18 years, and a daughter who has done very well in life. I don't know what to call his condition.....cerebral narcissism perhaps?

It probably is just plain ol' narcissistic personality disorder, particularly if he occasionally gets violent when his worldview gets challenged (this is one of the symptoms of the disorder). You're not going to fix it, nor is your mother. I wish I had something more helpful to say about the whole affair but my original advice stands.

[NancyS]

I cut my narcissistic mother out of my life and it's the best thing I've ever done. You need to cut him out of your life for your own sake. Arrange to meet your mother elsewhere.