[ricearoni]

Awhile back I spent the day with an INTJ who I've had an on/off, complicated, hot mess thing with for a few years. It was a lot of fun. He was very upbeat and playful, he paid for meals, held doors open for me, was very concerned that I was well fed and there was some flirting. There was some talk about my future plans and whether or not I'd move to a city that I can't transfer to with my company. (I suspect he brought this up because there's a city closer to him that he's been talking up, but my employer doesn't have a location there). It ended on a slightly down note, but overall it was a good time and I let him know that he was welcome to visit me and I'd show him around my city.

Well ever since then, he seems different. Prior to meeting, he'd always initiate conversations on AIM and was very attentive. Now, he won't say hi unless I say hi first and he seems rather disinterested when we chat. I'm not really sure what's causing this or how to react to it. I mean, I haven't pushed for a relationship or tried to talk about where we stand (which I've awkwardly done many times in the past). I think I've been really good at keeping things platonic. So I'm not sure why he's withdrawing like this.

[AnaK]

I think there is a catch 22 here. Why would you think about moving unless there was a romantic relationship between you two? And why initiate a romantic relationship if you don't live nearby?

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by AnaK To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think there is a catch 22 here. Why would you think about moving unless there was a romantic relationship between you two?

I was already planning on moving. Where I live right now is small, cute and boring, so I'd like to move to a bigger city that's a little more lively.

	And why initiate a romantic relationship if you don't live nearby?

No clue, I just know that's why I haven't done anything.

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe he thinks things won't work out and he's afraid to move forward with you since there appears to be little future for the two of you. Call him and ask him if it can work between the two of you if you are interested. Be bold.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Maybe he thinks things won't work out and he's afraid to move forward with you since there appears to be little future for the two of you. Call him and ask him if it can work between the two of you if you are interested. Be bold.

Well the last time I did that, he said he was interested, but then changed his mind and things ended horribly. It's been a few years since that and a lot of things have changed, but I'm afraid of making things weird again.

[roninpro]

At least for me, there comes a point in time where I realise that there is zero chance for a relationship. That's when I start to limit my contact with that person. It would be very painful otherwise.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by roninpro To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	At least for me, there comes a point in time where I realise that there is zero chance for a relationship. That's when I start to limit my contact with that person. It would be very painful otherwise.

Painful for you or painful for the other person?

[dogwoodlover]

Back off. If he is withdrawing, you pushing for contact will only exacerbate it, and if he's not withdrawing, then you backing off will bring him back to initiating things.

[Merak]

It is painful for the one that had the crush, assuming that is the scenario.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by dogwoodlover To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Back off. If he is withdrawing, you pushing for contact will only exacerbate it, and if he's not withdrawing, then you backing off will bring him back to initiating things.

It feels weird, but that's what I've been doing. I'm sort of worried that he might take that the wrong way though...like he'll think I'm avoiding him.

[roninpro]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Painful for you or painful for the other person?

Painful for me.

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It feels weird, but that's what I've been doing. I'm sort of worried that he might take that the wrong way though...like he'll think I'm avoiding him.

Even if he does, it might be better that way. At least for me, if a girl kept in contact with me even after I tried to avoid her, I might think that she was still interested.

This is probably a very confusing situation. You should probably do what you think is best and go with it.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by roninpro To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Even if he does, it might be better that way. At least for me, if a girl kept in contact with me even after I tried to avoid her, I might think that she was still interested. This is probably a very confusing situation. You should probably do what you think is best and go with it.

Well there really isn't anything I can do right now, just give him some space and wait to see what happens. I just wish I knew why he seems so different right now. I mean, if he wasn't interested in a relationship, I'd be fine with being friends and if he was interested in a relationship, I'd be open to that too. There really wasn't any need to make things weird.

[roninpro]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well there really isn't anything I can do right now, just give him some space and wait to see what happens. I just wish I knew why he seems so different right now. I mean, if he wasn't interested in a relationship, I'd be fine with being friends and if he was interested in a relationship, I'd be open to that too. There really wasn't any need to make things weird.

But you're moving, aren't you? I get the impression that for most people, distance kills the deal.

[Sparko]

I agree with dogwoodlover. In my experience, when a man start's pulling away it's because he needs space for one reason or another. It is usually never because he needs more attention or reassurance. It's also my experience that a little space can go along way in getting interaction back to normal.

Keep in mind that unless he is able to maintain regular interaction with you, he is not ready for a relationship. Hot and cold behavior is an indication that he's not ripe for the pluckin. I'm pretty sure you deserve to be with someone who knows what he wants, or is at least willing to take the risk and discover what that is. Once he can go toe to toe with you, consider him for a relationship. In the meanwhile, don't settle for less than what you deserve.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by roninpro To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But you're moving, aren't you? I get the impression that for most people, distance kills the deal.

Well I haven't decided where I'm going to move yet. So it's possible that I could move closer to where he is.

Originally Posted by Sparko To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I agree with dogwoodlover. In my experience, when a man start's pulling away it's because he needs space for one reason or another. It is usually never because he needs more attention or reassurance. It's also my experience that a little space can go along way in getting interaction back to normal. Keep in mind that unless he is able to maintain regular interaction with you, he is not ready for a relationship. Hot and cold behavior is an indication that he's not ripe for the pluckin. I'm pretty sure you deserve to be with someone who knows what he wants, or is at least willing to take the risk and discover what that is. Once he can go toe to toe with you, consider him for a relationship. In the meanwhile, don't settle for less than what you deserve.

This is good to know. I'm always confused about how to react to this since I had an ex who used to pull away because he wanted attention and reassurance, but then he was really insecure. I don't get the feeling that this guy is insecure though.

[SagaLore]

Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

There was some talk about my future plans and whether or not I'd move to a city that I can't transfer to with my company. (I suspect he brought this up because there's a city closer to him that he's been talking up, but my employer doesn't have a location there)..... Now, he won't say hi unless I say hi first and he seems rather disinterested when we chat. I'm not really sure what's causing this or how to react to it. I mean, I haven't pushed for a relationship or tried to talk about where we stand (which I've awkwardly done many times in the past). I think I've been really good at keeping things platonic. So I'm not sure why he's withdrawing like this.

Its as simple as you already state - he is no longer interested. Your answers must have indicated you weren't going to be moving for him, and he's not going to chase you any longer. Might as well move on.

[ricearoni]

	Originally Posted by SagaLore To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Its as simple as you already state - he is no longer interested. Your answers must have indicated you weren't going to be moving for him, and he's not going to chase you any longer. Might as well move on.

I said that it would make it easier to move if I could transfer with my company, but I'd still consider moving even if I couldn't transfer.

[Lyra]

I'm not an INTJ so what do I know but based on interactions with my own INTJ here's my tuppence worth.

Firstly withdrawing isn't always a bad thing. We tend to assume the worst when, in fact, as is case when my INTJ does this to me a lot, its simply because he is busy with other things, especially if he's at work during IM convos. There's been times mine has logged in and not spoken for hours until I prompt, I sit there thinking "why's he not said hi, usually he would say hi by now" and my imagination thinks back to the last dumb or irksome thing I said and presumes that's the cause.99% of the time my INTJ later returns to say he'd gone out, was doing chores, or whatever, and got side tracked. I'm learning now that silence from him is not always bad, he's just focused elsewhere.

With regards to chatting while he's withdrawn, what I do is keep up a skeleton level of contact, just so he knows I'm ok and not Freaking out (even if I am! Lol) so, say after 4hrs on messenger he's not sent a message I'll emote something simple such as *sees you're busy, brings tea and cookies to keep ya going* and then I say nothing. It's not a question, there's no pressure to respond. Most times I get a reply back like *finally gets back to desk to catch up on messages... ooh cookies!* and then I know all is well. If I hear nothing, well thats a different story but I'm trying not to assume the worst from the start.

I agree you need to make sure this guy know you're open to moving if you think he might be interested in pursuing a relationship again. Perhaps an email to clarify those points just incase he left that day with the wrong impression? Equally though let him know there's no pressure and remaining friends is also acceptable. My INTJ had withdrawn when I sent my clarification mail, he popped his head out a little to let me know the mail hadn't bugged him (i had specifically apologised for intruding with it at work) then he retreated and focused on work with chit chats here and there when he had free moments.

As I said when I started, I'm no INTJ, what do I know. All I can suggest is you follow your instinct and your heart, making adjustments to take account of how INTJs process this stuff. If he's withdrawn and *if* its because of things you said re moving when you saw him, then make sure he has all the facts so its for the right reasons and not a misunderstanding. Other than that, don't push him but don't ignore him either. Time will tell.

Good luck, I can totally relate to what you're going through.

[karenann33]

I'm happily married to an INTJ man. He withdraws frequently. I used to take it very personally and now I get that it's not. Most times it just means that yes his focus is elsewhere. I give him that space and don't pursue. I just make sure he knows I'm there and ready for when he comes back to me. No worries.

[Autumnleaf]

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well the last time I did that, he said he was interested, but then changed his mind and things ended horribly. It's been a few years since that and a lot of things have changed, but I'm afraid of making things weird again.

Why would you want to spend your time with a guy who isn't interested in pursuing you and when he was he changed his mind about it? Ask him if he thinks things can work now. If he's an INTJ he will probably be honest with you about how he thinks he feels.

[crabnebula]

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why would you want to spend your time with a guy who isn't interested in pursuing you and when he was he changed his mind about it?

If you apply this "philosophy" of man always pursuing the woman with an INTJ, you're in for a long wait, good luck.

[ricearoni]

Originally Posted by Lyra To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

We tend to assume the worst when, in fact, as is case when my INTJ does this to me a lot, its simply because he is busy with other things, especially if he's at work during IM convos. There's been times mine has logged in and not spoken for hours until I prompt, I sit there thinking "why's he not said hi, usually he would say hi by now" and my imagination thinks back to the last dumb or irksome thing I said and presumes that's the cause.99% of the time my INTJ later returns to say he'd gone out, was doing chores, or whatever, and got side tracked. I'm learning now that silence from him is not always bad, he's just focused elsewhere.

haha I'm guilty of doing that. I've gotten better about it, but when I'm under a lot of stress I tend to get paranoid and take way too many things personally.

	Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm happily married to an INTJ man. He withdraws frequently. I used to take it very personally and now I get that it's not. Most times it just means that yes his focus is elsewhere. I give him that space and don't pursue. I just make sure he knows I'm there and ready for when he comes back to me. No worries.

I guess what's throwing me off is the timing. Prior to meeting he was busy with finals, but still made time to chat with me. But then classes have started up again and this semester seems like it may be more stressful than the last.

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why would you want to spend your time with a guy who isn't interested in pursuing you and when he was he changed his mind about it? Ask him if he thinks things can work now. If he's an INTJ he will probably be honest with you about how he thinks he feels.

Um...it's complicated? I think that things had ended because we lived on opposite sides of the country and it was taking me forever to get my act together. I had stopped talking to him after things had ended, but he got in touch with me recently (when he found out that I had moved to his state) and talking to him again, reminded me how much I enjoyed being friends with him. I'd like to ask him if things could work now, but it seems...premature to do that. I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again, the friendship feels a bit new and I still live about a 5 hour drive away from him.

[Deliberator]

Yes, because he doesn't want you to get pregnant.


Maybe I should've read the OP...

[Autumnleaf]

	Originally Posted by crabnebula To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you apply this "philosophy" of man always pursuing the woman with an INTJ, you're in for a long wait, good luck.

He's not even initiating conversations with her. That spells disinterest and that is bad when it comes to INTJs.

[crabnebula]

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He's not even initiating conversations with her. That spells disinterest and that is bad when it comes to INTJs.

Well, yes but there are many factors to consider before jumping to that conclusion. He might be busy with work, family problems, etc. And talking also uses up energy, its more efficient to converse with oneself! So I would say its not the initiation but how he responds to your conversation that shows his interest.