[Daimai]

So I am in a 6 month relationship with this ENFJ girl and I have been noticing a problem between us lately. About half of our conversations end up with me derailing it into some kind of "politically incorrect" topic and ends up with her getting angry/sad and me frustrated because I like to talk about those kind of things, and I want to share my burning hatred for the different people of the world (of course jokingly, I dont know why I do this, I find rasistic and generally bullying humor fun) but it offends her.

I really like her, but this has made me doubtful.

What is the best thing to do? Should I break up with her because we dont fit together? Is there some kind of way to make this go away (her sensitivity or my "bullying humor")?

I have strong feelings for her and I would definitely be sad if we broke up, but I don't want to feel trapped in this. I dont want her to be some kind of "side thing" aswell, I want to share everything with her... even my "bad opinions".

I also found myself complain a lot about different aspects in the relationship, the way I want things to be and such... perhaps that is putting pressure on her, I don't know. I don't see how it's related though. I think I need to find a way to stop my complaining.

What do I do?

[eagleseven]

If it's bothering you so much that you're posting here about it, I'd dump her. I have to bite my tongue at work as it is...if I can't speak freely when I'm at home relaxing with my lover, I might as well be single.

Now, there is a chance that you can toughen her up...but odds are against it. If she's of the righteous "that offends me and so you must shut up" mindset, she'll probably dump you for trying.

[Silence]

So, you see your options as either continuing with your boorish sense of humor, or else dumping her because you don't want to change? There's more to it than meets the eye.

It's difficult when senses of humor don't match up. The thing is, you're six months into a relationship, which is actually still relatively new. You are both learning about how you mesh with each other, and likely don't know how to react to certain things that the other says or does.

Keep in mind that relationships also require a certain amount of compromise. That's not to say "I can't be with her because I can't be myself," but consideration of the other's feelings should take precedent over certain actions or words.

In the end, it's up to you. Why does it have to be either/or? You could sit and talk with her and explain that you're just goofing when you do that, but you are concerned that she may take offense where none is intended. Talk about this with her. One of the main relationship-killers is a lack of communication. If you enjoy being with her, give this a chance!

[Autumnleaf]

Originally Posted by eagleseven To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

If it's bothering you so much that you're posting here about it, I'd dump her. I have to bite my tongue at work as it is...if I can't speak freely when I'm at home relaxing with my lover, I might as well be single. Now, there is a chance that you can toughen her up...but odds are against it. If she's of the righteous "that offends me and so you must shut up" mindset, she'll probably dump you for trying.

Cut bait and move on, it is probably not worth the effort.

[Blse]

Compromise after having an honest discussion. Perhaps you can also *gasp* change a little.

[astrolite]

	Originally Posted by Daimai To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	derailing it into some kind of "politically incorrect" topic

examples?

[Indubitably]

I don't think the trick here is so much to change "who" you are, but rather to change how you communicate. Most individuals who prefer Fe oriented forms of communication don't consciously realize that it is standard operating procedure for individuals who employ both a Te based communication style and tertiary or inferior Fi based personal evaluation strategies, to express their feelings of insecurity, weakness, and self disgust, through some from of aggressive devaluation of their environment.

Granted, they'll almost always pick up on it, even when you don't, but it just wont be something they understand in a conscious analytical sense. Its like, they'll know that you are feeling threatened and or powerless, but unless you are prepared to be completely honest, (in other words, sit through breaking it down with them so that they can see consciously where all these emotions are coming from) they will simply be left to stew in the toxic soup of frustration and self loathing that spawned your deriding humor and demeaning remarks.

You just have to come to terms with the fact that misdirected or aimless negative emotion/sentiment literally creates an environment that is toxic to NFJs. There is a solution, but it means exposing vulnerabilities that are woven into your personality at its most fundamental level, which is a proposition that most INTJs almost instinctively revile. That is what its going to take though, instead of simply voicing your disdain you are going to have to express exactly what you are feeling, what exactly it is about this thing that you feel threatened by, and why you feel that way.

[driveblind]

Sounds like a dumb partner. Lots of young people don't like to discuss anything that requires the slightest bit of critical thought or has the capability to create disagreement.

[flower]

I must admit it's a hard question, it depends if she wants to really accept your opinions as a part of your personality (even if you try to change they will come out) she should try and accept you with your "faults". I say this from experience, my husband has some chauvinistic views and they greatly disappoint me when he mentions them and I even feel hurt (even if he only feels that way about every woman but me, yeah, it's hard to believe), but he has so many redeeming qualities that I overlook his opinions and we are a great team.

All relationships are work, some are more work than others but the result is a partner in all things life throws at you, each hurdle makes you understand and love one another more and better.

[zibber]

You don't have to talk about everything. There's probably a thousand things you disagree on but never even talk about; what makes this the one you insist on bringing up every time? (If there is a legitimate answer and you are set on monogamy, it's probably not a bad idea to end the relationship.)

[karenann33]

I've been married for 19 years. I know better than to debate him on politics, money and religion. We've agreed to "disagree". I am now able to listen to him rant about politics without getting upset.

On the flip side I used to be a complainer and sarcastic. My husband hated it. I saw his point so I've elminated most of this from our conversations. I mean really who wants to be with someone who complains all the time? Or someone who expects a relationship to be just "so"?

I love him so he was worth the effort. In return I get a happier husband and a more satisfying relationship. So before you kick her to the curb "consider" seeing her point of view. She might have more insight that you realize.

[Antares]

Does it have to be her? Don't you have a close friend you can share this with... IF you have a burning desire to do so?

[Suspicious]

Why is it so important to express this sort of sense of humor anyway, especially to someone who doesn't appreciate it?

[SagaLore]

	Originally Posted by Daimai To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think I need to find a way to stop my complaining.

Well normally my advice would be to break up if you're not compatible. But in this case I'm going to advise that... you learn to stop complaining. Just STOP. I hate complainers. Find friends that like to complain about the world, but don't bring that crap into your relationship. Otherwise you're not going to be compatible with anybody.

[altoid]

Originally Posted by Daimai To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

About half of our conversations end up with me derailing it into some kind of "politically incorrect" topic and ends up with her getting angry/sad and me frustrated because I like to talk about those kind of things, and I want to share my burning hatred for the different people of the world (of course jokingly, I dont know why I do this, I find rasistic and generally bullying humor fun) but it offends her.

Is your "bullying" humor such an integral part of who you are that it's impossible for you to be happy in the relationship without your expressing this humor to her?

	I also found myself complain a lot about different aspects in the relationship, the way I want things to be and such... perhaps that is putting pressure on her, I don't know. I don't see how it's related though. I think I need to find a way to stop my complaining.

It may not be directly related, but may contribute to an overall feeling of negativity you're creating about everything. Many of your conversations are either what you consider to be quasi-racist humor against other people or complaints about your relationship with her? That sounds absolutely exhausting. Perhaps she's angry/sad as a reaction against the general feeling of malcontent it sounds like you express quite frequently, not specifically about your poking fun at "different people of the world." Sure, you could dump her and perhaps find someone more compatible. I'm not sure this attitude is going to be a strong selling point for other potential mates, though.

[Calica]

^altoid made some good points.

What I`m confused about is, is this supposed to be ha-ha-how-funny-is-that humour or just you complaining about random things that bother you in a smirk eliciting way? I get sarcasm, love how you can bounce that back and forth, but what response would you like to get from her with this joking? Honestly, what`s there to say?

Do you talk about things you love with her as well, or is hate more commonly used? Personally, I find constant negativity draining and when someone talks about hating something or the other again and again, I`m either going to start derailing the conversation or snap. To them, it will seem like me over-reacting to a sentence, but what I hear is all the other similar conversations from the past. It doesn`t even have to mean that you really hate it, but words have power and hate is a strongly negative one.

I understand that you`d like to share your opinion with her, and at the risk of sounding like a new age hippie, don`t keep the good energy all to yourself and share just the bad stuff.

[Favorite Pills]

	Originally Posted by Daimai To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I find rasistic and generally bullying humor fun) but it offends her.

Eh? What's "rasistic"?

I'm sure there are couples out there who would rather settle for "agreeing to disagree," but since I feel very strongly about my values, I couldn't ever date someone who disagreed with me about religion and politics (humanist, liberal), or discriminated against minorities. Same goes for offensive jokes; to me, it shows a lack of respect for the targeted group. I hate it when, for example, somebody makes a black joke and then says, "but LOL I'm not really racist, I was just being ironic." I call BS. ("But I have black friends!" Ugh.)

I was close friends with a guy for many years, and our screwed-up friendship (I was the Wilson to his House) followed this cycle: be friends, have a huge argument over a political disagreement, stop being friends for months, talk to each other again eventually. Finally, I told him to stop talking about sensitive political issues with me or trying to defend his stances (he hated that I was the only one who could beat him in debates and see through his bullshit) because we both knew how it ended, but he continued to prod the wound because he hated losing, hated that he couldn't convince me that he wasn't a sexist. That was a violation of the boundary I had set for our friendship. That meant he didn't respect me or my boundaries, so I finally cut him out of my life for good.

Lesson being, the way your relationship is right now is not sustainable. Either you work on the topics you bring up with her, or you break up with her and find someone who appreciates your "rasistic" humor, whatever that entails.

[iamhuman]

Depends on how much you want the relationship.

But, no matter what you choose you must be aware that any successful relationship will require compromise....if not this time, then the next.

[Zsych]

All relationships require compromise. Talk to her about it. And seriously, this seems like something you could afford to not talk about with someone it upsets.