[Luciferus]

I've noticed that as I am progressing in my 20's, I fear rejection from other people less, but I am more anxious about the future because I can better envisage all the stuff that can go wrong and screw my plans, which I couldn't before because my intelligence and intuition weren't so developed yet.

Honestly, I don't know if it's a change for the better or for worse, but it's a progress at least, which shows that I'm maturing, sort of. :]

What's your story? Do you fear rejection, e.g., a rejection when asking for a new job or asking a girl/boy out?

How do you deal with it? Or if you had it in the past, how did you manage to overcome it?

[pff]

I think that everyone fears rejection at various levels, no matter how outwardly confident that a person may appear, it's pretty natural to feel that way. Rejection brings a feeling of inferiority, even though it isn't rational to view one's self as "perfect", we all have flaws that can trip us up.

I'm 27 and I feel a lot intimidated and fearful as I once did when I was younger. Interviews for example always make me nervous but I've learned to just assert myself a lot better and speak in a way that "sells" myself as a respective new hire. There is still the underlying fear of thinking "did I say the right thing.....did I make a good impression"...etc etc I just try to exert as much self confidence as possible and use words like "I know" rather than "I think".

As for relationships, I am of the mind that if you don't put yourself out there and open yourself to at least some vulnerability then it's going to be impossible to find love. It's a difficult thing for anyone to do, regardless of who you are, but the benefits of doing so can be spectacular and rewarding. If you hide your heart too well then no one will ever be able to find it.

[discontinuous]

Rejection from a job I don't take personally.

Rejection from people I'd like to befriend, is still painful. Yet I can only imagine that in those cases there was a communication problem, or at least some sort of mismatch.

For some odd reason I often have the feeling that I'm simply seeking the wrong type of people...

[pff]

	Originally Posted by discontinuous To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	For some odd reason I often have the feeling that I'm simply seeking the wrong type of people...

What makes you think that? What type of people do you typically try to surround yourself with?

[discontinuous]

pff: Meh... I usually try the "cool" kids, then my brain shuts down from lack of stimulation, realize I'd be better off with the smarter kids. Then, when I notice I'm one (or the only?) stoned ass nerd in a "straight-edge" group I realize I'm better off alone. It's really complicated.

[Autumnleaf]

I try to just accept it as a matter of course.

[iamhuman]

The deal with rejection is that it is based on a social need for acceptance. While all humans have this need I think that INTJ's have it in much lower quantities than most. This allows us to not actually experience or fear rejection at the same level as most other people do.

Having said that, one of the key requirements of a happy INTJ is a few stable and satisfying interpersonal relationships. As long as we have these relationships, then we feel that sense of acceptance, however, if these relationships are lacking, then we are very lonely indeed.

[Dung]

Originally Posted by Luciferus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I've noticed that as I am progressing in my 20's, I fear rejection from other people less, but I am more anxious about the future because I can better envisage all the stuff that can go wrong and screw my plans, which I couldn't before because my intelligence and intuition weren't so developed yet. Honestly, I don't know if it's a change for the better or for worse, but it's a progress at least, which shows that I'm maturing, sort of. :]

It is good that you feel a sense of progress. As you grow, it would be better if you could stay fearless though. Having no inhibition, like a sane little child, only with more experience, more intelligence and knowledge, would be ideal.

	Originally Posted by Luciferus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What's your story? Do you fear rejection, e.g., a rejection when asking for a new job or asking a girl/boy out? How do you deal with it? Or if you had it in the past, how did you manage to overcome it?

I sometimes embrace rejection. For example, when my work is rejected, this usually means it is way better than people can accept. When you have a good idea that gets rejected, it could mean this was just not so good after all. But I often found out that I was comforted if an idea I really believed in was rejected, and it usually proved right later on... So yes, rejection can be an indicator of quality. Not something you should fear.

When hunting for a job, rejection is also a good indicator: you are being fired right away with the main benefit (freedom) and without any of the downsides that go with it: you just lost a few hours, not a few years, you only had to wake up and be on time once, instead of everyday of the week, and sure, you weren't paid, but your life wasn't taken from you either. What more can you ask?
Instead of writing something boring like: me was sale executive for 10 years working at top management level with super high profile brands, blah blah you can just write 15 minutes were enough for me to assess that such and such (high profile) companies weren't for me or successfully managed to escape selling out to --- before their ineluctable bankruptcy or I refused an offer from --- so don't think you can have me for cheap etc. Now, that's something else, it will also likely get you rejected, but at least it is personal and more fun to write (you can find a lot of inspiration from your failed job interviews, the more you had, the better the experience).

As for social rejection, I can't say: I don't have an unrealistic need for social acceptance since I couldn't care less; also, given that I am no craving social interaction at all, my social circle is surprisingly extended, mostly due to work, honestly, plus just a few good friends, not many.
So that's a form of rejection I never experienced as such - or maybe I did when I excluded myself from some circles (for instance I am not really into football crowds, crossed it off, not really into barbecue gatherings, not into secret societies, not into AA, not into your local hobbyist friendly circle, and not into mass worshiping SM sculptures of a tortured half naked man either - so I happily practiced self-rejection from all of these subgroups
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Love rejection is a toughie because that's where your ego - if you entertain such a thing as an ego - is the most likely to take a big slap in the face.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Yeah, true.
But then again, I am too shy to have experienced that as well, as far as I can remember...

Been lucky.

[pff]

	Originally Posted by discontinuous To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	pff: Meh... I usually try the "cool" kids, then my brain shuts down from lack of stimulation, realize I'd be better off with the smarter kids. Then, when I notice I'm one (or the only?) stoned ass nerd in a "straight-edge" group I realize I'm better off alone. It's really complicated.

You might be surprised at what some of those "straight edge nerds" have up their sleeves
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Some of the most intelligent and nerdy people I have ever known have more than dabbled in their share of chemical substances. Just try to keep an open mind, I know how hard it can be to make new friends but trust me, there are definitely a lot of people out there that you could connect with
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[karenann33]

I'm 44. I don't know that I've ever cared if I got rejected for a job. I mean so what I wasn't qualified, there was someone better, wasn't the right fit, whatever I knew it wasn't personal. How could it be they didn't even know me?

As far as my "future" goes at my age I get that I can make all the plans I want and know that life frequently has other ideas. Better to just take things one day at a time and quit obsessing about a mythical future that I have no idea what I will be thinking or doing at that time.

Rejection from people is still tough. I was rejected by my own parents so that is a wound that has yet to fully heal. I am still working on that.

[vampyremage]

	Originally Posted by discontinuous To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	pff: Meh... I usually try the "cool" kids, then my brain shuts down from lack of stimulation, realize I'd be better off with the smarter kids. Then, when I notice I'm one (or the only?) stoned ass nerd in a "straight-edge" group I realize I'm better off alone. It's really complicated.

Back when I was still straight edge I was pretty much the only one in my social circle and almost all of my friends were nerds of some variety or another. Of course I never really let that fact bother me at all as I've never been particularly vulnerable to social pressure and my eventual decision to drop being straight edge had a lot more to do with personal growth than it did with any pressures that I felt from the people around me.

[Luciferus]

Originally Posted by Dung To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I sometimes embrace rejection. For example, when my work is rejected, this usually means it is way better than people can accept. When you have a good idea that gets rejected, it could mean this was just not so good after all. But I often found out that I was comforted if an idea I really believed in was rejected, and it usually proved right later on... So yes, rejection can be an indicator of quality. Not something you should fear. When hunting for a job, rejection is also a good indicator: you are being fired right away with the main benefit (freedom) and without any of the downsides that go with it: you just lost a few hours, not a few years, you only had to wake up and be on time once, instead of everyday of the week, and sure, you weren't paid, but your life wasn't taken from you either. What more can you ask? Instead of writing something boring like: me was sale executive for 10 years working at top management level with super high profile brands, blah blah you can just write 15 minutes were enough for me to assess that such and such (high profile) companies weren't for me or successfully managed to escape selling out to --- before their ineluctable bankruptcy or I refused an offer from --- so don't think you can have me for cheap etc. Now, that's something else, it will also likely get you rejected, but at least it is personal and more fun to write (you can find a lot of inspiration from your failed job interviews, the more you had, the better the experience). As for social rejection, I can't say: I don't have an unrealistic need for social acceptance since I couldn't care less; also, given that I am no craving social interaction at all, my social circle is surprisingly extended, mostly due to work, honestly, plus just a few good friends, not many. So that's a form of rejection I never experienced as such - or maybe I did when I excluded myself from some circles (for instance I am not really into football crowds, crossed it off, not really into barbecue gatherings, not into secret societies, not into AA, not into your local hobbyist friendly circle, and not into mass worshiping SM sculptures of a tortured half naked man either - so I happily practiced self-rejection from all of these subgroups To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Great response Dung, thanks!

Your strategies look interesting. But saying "I'm too good for them" after being rejected smells of ignorance and delusion imo, something like religious people do, e.g., the Nietzschean slave morality: Rich people don't go to heaven after death, therefore, I despise money and pity rich people because they will suffer in hell after they die for not giving everything away.

It's probably necessary to delude oneself for a healthy psychic life, as Becker and other die-hard existentialists write, but I can't get hold of it and still experience anxiety when rejected.

[MissBlossom]

	Originally Posted by discontinuous To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Rejection from people I'd like to befriend, is still painful. Yet I can only imagine that in those cases there was a communication problem, or at least some sort of mismatch.

The most painful thing for me because I hardly gain any friends :/

[Dung]

Originally Posted by Luciferus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Great response Dung, thanks! Your strategies look interesting. But saying "I'm too good for them" after being rejected smells of ignorance and delusion imo, something like religious people do, e.g., the Nietzschean slave morality: Rich people don't go to heaven after death, therefore, I despise money and pity rich people because they will suffer in hell after they die for not giving everything away.

I see what you mean, but hey, that wasn't meant to be so deep
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

In all seriousness, in this case, what you see as "I'm too good for them" is more about distancing oneself a little, easing the harsh reality adverse effects to pour in. Don't get me wrong. This is using second degree arrogance as a tool to laugh a bit at the situation and chill out, and to put things and myself back in perspective, not implying superiority as such (beside, how can a single person be better than almost any company anyway?)

But this is being honest too, I don't think it is delusional. Some of the companies I tried to join were absolutely made of despicable sharks, some were stupid, but truth is, the majority of them were too good for me, or not able to use me as an employee to the fullest, so they didn't take me in. What I meant is just my way to take the rejections well; you could use anything else. It helps to put back things to where they belongs:

Say, if you wanted a job so badly, and got rejected, for whatever reason, man (woman!), you would be hurt. I would as well as you would. It happened to me many times. At some point I was working on a daily basis; what would be in my plate tomorrow? I had no idea. I speak about rejection in the employment market from that perspective. Stress and anxiety are part of my life too, but never for long, because, that's not a reasonable state to stay in, right?

I did applications. Not hundreds, but literally thousands. Interviews. Presentations. I tried all strategies imaginable, showing up in a market that has no time for common applications. A discreet person, I wasn't tailored to do that, far from it, but got used to. Rejected, ignored, and sometimes hired. At times, being hired was way worse than being rejected
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
That's right. At other times, I though "this is my dream job" "not only do I need this, but there is no possible way I can miss because it's so made for me, from the description to the job requirements, tech skills, everything and than some, plus I know the company, can feel it, you know..." "how can they not see I am their man?"
Funny thing is, whenever I knew I'd do well in one of these positions, I never got hired! Talk about frustration: that could have been a major blown to my confidence, shake up all my motives etc, mix up my guts...

Again imagine working your dream job in a super cool company - and all the odds looking good for you, you will get this job! and yet, no, you get rejected. Missing those golden opportunities suck, there is no question. In my experience, as I said, some of these rejecting companies really were made of a bunch of idiots, but most of the time, they were not, they were very good, super nice people - which is why I wanted to be part of their group in the first place. What happened is they could see through me and they saw somebody almost unemployable, not fitting in large operation, hard on everybody, someone easily bored, and maybe, not..well, not fun to work with all the time?! All of which is true. I'm best working in small groups (max. 3 people), I like efficient stuff, short, or better yet, no meetings... Of course, always being nice, polite and genuinely wishing everybody well, trying to improve things, are generally well received, and everyone likes to have me around the office. But not everyday
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


...this in turn saved me from company politics and gossips, awkward social moments, coffee breaks, rigid schedule, wasted time, questionable hierarchies and all the stuff that aren't that enjoyable in most offices environment - the worst being wrong coffee.

I somehow regret that I could not be part of some companies that I truly admire and respect, but thanks to their rejection, I understood it would be better to try working on my own, slowly improving everyday. It's a different challenge than those offered within a company. Inside, I know that things had to happen that way and eventually will come a time when we will be able to work together as partners and as friends
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

	Originally Posted by Luciferus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's probably necessary to delude oneself for a healthy psychic life, as Becker and other die-hard existentialists write, but I can't get hold of it and still experience anxiety when rejected.

That's only natural when it happens. You can try look back positively on it after some time and turn this anxiety around to become a better person, humanly and professionally. The anxiety itself means something like that to me. I accept it as something meaningful, and try to use it before it consumes my mind.

[BlueBunnyIce]

My personal philosophy is as follows:

You don't want to regret not doing something just because of fear. If you get rejected, learn from it and MOVE ON. Always think strategically before hand to obtain a non-detrimental outcome whatever the result.