[Ilara]

	Originally Posted by Silence To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	...undermining one's SO's self-esteem is unthinkable.

Indeed. My SO finds others attractive and it doesn't bother me--because I feel very comfortable with our relationship and of his attraction to me.

However, I remember a verbally abusive ex whose favourite comment was that redheads are super-hot and that I should be dyeing my hair because brunettes are ugly and boring.

The two are totally different animals in my books, however.

In one case... well, my SO is human, so he notices other women, some of whom are attractive. In the other case, the guy was using the appeal of others as a way to attack me personally, and, in fact, to call me unattractive. The former is fine; the latter is totally unacceptable.

[Huruma]

It wouldn't, if I had an SO. The thought of my SO having sex with other men, even 2/3 at a time, is kind of a turn on.

[Solaris]

Originally Posted by Silence To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

To me, this isn't quite the right question. Everyone finds others attractive- that's part of the charms of movie stars and models. I think it is the way that one's SO finds other attractive, and the manner in which this is conveyed that may be hurtful. My spouse finds certain movie stars appealing, and so do I. We may be sitting at a table in the dining area and spot someone attractive, and we may mention something to the other, but we are ever respectful of each other's feelings. We don't say, "Whoa, s/he's HOT," we mention things within reason. We both know there are gorgeous people out there, but gorgeous doesn't get the job done and gorgeous does not bypass respect for what we have. "I like the way her hair looks," or "That's a cute outfit. What do you think of that?" or, "I can imagine YOU in that style of jeans," or something is very acceptable- undermining one's SO's self-esteem is unthinkable.

Obviously to imply "wow I wish I was with that guy instead of you" is hurtful and disrespectful. But neither I nor my SO get insulted by "wow he/she is HOT!" It's an observation, not a disapproval of each other.

[Silence]

	Originally Posted by Solaris To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Obviously to imply "wow I wish I was with that guy instead of you" is hurtful and disrespectful. But neither I nor my SO get insulted by "wow he/she is HOT!" It's an observation, not a disapproval of each other.

Tone conveys everything in a statement such as "Wow he/she is HOT!"
It doesn't translate very well in text.

[Marcus Septim]

	Originally Posted by Feral To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	No. It would be silly. Neither my husband or I have any trouble pointing out someone of the same or opposite sex who may be attractive. It's rather like judging cuts of meat. To think that just because someone loves you above all others, that suddenly everyone else is ugly or something is just naive.

Sometimes feels like you said,sometimes it does bother me...
Haven't clarified the reason for that

[OrangeAppled]

	Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm okay if my dh finds other people attractive but I do not want to hear about it. He feels the same way about me. This is something we agreed on a long time ago. He can make a generic statement like "I think stilleto's are hot" that's fine but not "I find blondes hot" if I'm say a brunette.

Pretty much this. I don't want to hear about it. Of course you will always note attractive people as long as you're living, but to dwell on it to the point where you're openly commenting seems a problem to me (as I think cheating starts in the mind), and it's also just insensitive. What is the purpose for making such statements?

Expressing a preference for a "type" your SO is not seems insensitive also. It's basically pointing out -even if unintentionally- where they fall short from your ideal. For instance, Blond hair may be my ideal on a guy, but my current SO is a dark haired Mexican, so I never plan on mentioning that. I also really don't want to hear that his ideal is a short woman or something else that I am not.

I don't mind an occasional mention of thinking a celeb is hot, as it is not any real threat, but I don't want to hear it constantly, nor do I want to be compared, and it's even worse if said celebrity is not the same "type" as me, even as a stretch.

Anyway, I have lost interest in guys who commented on the pretty waitresses, the cute sales girl, the random woman on the train, but failed to pay me the same level of compliments. It was like, "Uh, who is it you actually want to date here? Who is it you're trying to woo? I can't say telling me the waitress has pretty eyes is winning me over....".

[JustMel]

It doesn't bother me and never has in the past. Being committed to one person doesn't mean we stop seeing the rest of the world. We point people of the opposite sex out to one another regularly.

Last summer we had several friends over for a BBQ and I happened to be standing there with my SO and three of his friends when a girl walked past on her way to the pool and my SO and the boys all stared for a minute and my SO said "damn she was hot" and I replied "Yep, I'd do her" and two of the guys who had never been around before just stood there with their mouths open and one finally said "Damn! My wife would be screaming at me if I'd said something like that not agreeing with me". Jealousy is a wasted emotion. It's me he chooses to raise a family with and me he sleeps with every night so why do I care if he looks at other women? I look at other men.

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by Damien Black To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	How about the fact that *you* are human? and that being upset/bothered/jealous is a natural response also?

False. Jealousy is a symptom of cultural aspects. At least to some extent. A sense of jealousy can at least be mediated culturally. We could bicker about nature/nurture, but it is known that jealousy can be risen above.

[katrin]

This bothered me more when I was younger and unrealistically idealistic. I remember once being irritated when my boyfriend was ogling a Kylie Minogue wax figure (at Madame Tussaud's. lol.) It doesn't so much now as long as they keep to a sort of code that OrangeAppled described.

I don't mind them verbalizing a little bit as long as they do so in a tasteful, sensitive way. I feel more comfortable when they do so about famous women rather than a coworker or the waitress serving us.

I also don't like it when they insult the appearances of women, famous women or the women we see when we are out and about. Being a woman is not an Olympic sport and men who constantly act like they are on an international judging panel for such just strike me as immature.

[pff]

This doesn't bother me because I know that the fact that a person finds another person physically attractive it does not mean that they are going to try to jump in the sack with them. It's illogical to think that just because you are in a committed relationship that you or your partner are just going to stop seeing everyone else in this world.

I think that people who are upset by a s/o finding someone else attractive have some security issues. You should be comfortable enough in your own skin and should be aware of why your lover chose you over everyone else.

[katrin]

	Originally Posted by pff To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think that people who are upset by a s/o finding someone else attractive have some security issues. You should be comfortable enough in your own skin and should be aware of why your lover chose you over everyone else.

Sometimes a partner who constantly harps on about other people's attractiveness has security issues as well, like "I'm going to pretend you're easily replaced and I don't care for you that much because I'm afraid you're going to leave me anyway." In that case, it's part of the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" philosophy and it's best to GTFO of that relationship.

Not all people who comment on the attractiveness of others are that way, of course, as can be seen in many of the responses on this thread. I guess the important thing is that both partners either share the same mindset about it or are willing to compromise in how they express their thoughts.

[pff]

Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Sometimes a partner who constantly harps on about other people's attractiveness has security issues as well, like "I'm going to pretend you're easily replaced and I don't care for you that much because I'm afraid you're going to leave me anyway." In that case, it's part of the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" philosophy and it's best to GTFO of that relationship. Not all people who comment on the attractiveness of others are that way, of course, as can be seen in many of the responses on this thread. I guess the important thing is that both partners either share the same mindset about it or are willing to compromise in how they express their thoughts.

Agreed.

Security issues can go both ways. If a person feels they are with a partner who demeans them that way then it's time to confront the issue and possibly move on. No one should have to feel like they are competing with everyone else in the world.

I also agree in that both parties need to find a mutual and comfortable place to express those thoughts, and they of course shouldn't be expressed in a hurtful or belittling way.

[OrangeAppled]

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I also don't like it when they insult the appearances of women, famous women or the women we see when we are out and about. Being a woman is not an Olympic sport and men who constantly act like they are on an international judging panel for such just strike me as immature.

I don't like this either. It shows a tendency to objectify people too.

	Sometimes a partner who constantly harps on about other people's attractiveness has security issues as well, like "I'm going to pretend you're easily replaced and I don't care for you that much because I'm afraid you're going to leave me anyway." In that case, it's part of the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" philosophy and it's best to GTFO of that relationship.

Good point. I'm pretty sure the few guys I dealt with who constantly commented on other woman more than they complemented me fell into this category. It's like they're trying to know you down to their level because they feel low.

[Damien Black]

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	False. Jealousy is a symptom of cultural aspects. At least to some extent. A sense of jealousy can at least be mediated culturally. We could bicker about nature/nurture, but it is known that jealousy can be risen above.

Is it unfair to think the very nature of our genetics is competitive? We so crudely assume that jealousy is illogical or is artificial.

Jealousy is a spectrum of will to keep ones mate. Is it not that very will to procreate above all others that drives evolution forward?

Of course this is all blind conjecture on my part. What do I know?

[JustMel]

There was a time when genetics drove us to find the most suitable mates to give our offspring the optimal chance at survival. That doesn't hold as true anymore. People pick mates for vastly different reasons now than just continuing the species. Because we're picking for different reasons that are based on more than genetics, including things like common sense and mutual goals, beliefs, feelings, etc the genetics are watered down so the reactions to the genetics are watered down and jealousy is less of an issue. Or should be. Jealousy is a wasted emotion. If you're going to waste time being petty enough to get angry that your SO realizes there are still other people in the world that are attractive then the issue is with you not your SO. Jealousy serves no purpose.

[silken]

It would bother me, even if I didn't show it.
Of course he will find others attractive, but I would prefer NOT to hear about it.

[IotaNull]

I'm not really qualified to comment, but I have to agree with those who question the possible motives for mentioning specific examples of who one finds attractive. Unless it's a shared convention (e.g. JustMel), there doesn't seem to be any sensible reason for it.

[Ilara]

	Originally Posted by Iota Null To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm not really qualified to comment, but I have to agree with those who question the possible motives for mentioning specific examples of who one finds attractive. Unless it's a shared convention (e.g. JustMel), there doesn't seem to be any sensible reason for it.

I was assuming that simply noticing one's partner admiring somebody else fit into the scope of this thread; my SO doesn't happen to tell me every time somebody he finds hot walks by (or at all, actually)... but I still notice him looking. It just doesn't happen to bother me if he checks women out as they go by--I actually think that in some sense he isn't really engaging mentally in the looking, just doing it absentmindedly. It might bother me if I thought that he was disengaging from me to the point of devoting all of his mental energy to looking at/salivating over other women while we were on a date, but the looking is fine.

That doesn't bother me, and actually I doubt it would bother me if he vocalized it (with some manners, obviously; no hooting and hollering or whistling--that's just crass) to me, provided he didn't object to my doing the same.

[Inferno]

As long as the attraction towards the other person doesn't seem important...I'd be okay with it.

[sircockburn]

I'm not going to lie, I've got a slight jealous streak when it comes to certain things. It's probably because I'm 3w4 - tend to be kind of competitive.

Actually I think most people here are lying - how can you NOT instinctively feel a flash of annoyance when you find out your SO finds others attractive.

Yeah, most healthy people immediately and automatically squash that feeling with logic and awareness of social conduct, but I find it hard to believe the initial instinct doesn't pop up at all.

I'm blonde and legally underweight, and think whatever you please - just don't tell me about how sultry, curvacious brunettes are the most beautiful women in the world.

I find plenty of others attractive, but my Fe gives me the common courtesy not to blather about it in front of my SO.

---------- Post added 06-30-2011 at 10:09 AM ----------

Oh, as for checking out other women? Human nature, I do it too.

[BostonIan]

Yep, deeply, proven many times by experience. I once got into an actual serious argument over John Corbett.

( Show Spoiler )

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

...the bastard.

I'm aware that other people are attractive, more attractive than me, or attractive in different ways than I am, that doesn't bother me. But, to tell me so, I take it as the proverbial "sh*t test", frontal insult, and causes me to doubt fidelity, a relationship foundtation. Every time it has happened, the relationship was damaged by it, if only because I was half of the relationship and couldn't get over it.

[therrirl]

My last gf, would constantly ask me if I found anyone attractive while we were skating. I was honest with her and asked her the same thing. It was like a game. We would see what each other saw and I would find that I was in line with her "tastes" and she was likewise.

It is certainly not cool to disrespect your other, so find out what they want and go with that understanding.

[WindUp]

My current SO and I don't usually mind when one of us call someone attractive. Sometimes we agree on who is attractive. Other times, we don't. I can tell when my SO feels threatened and jealous, so I'll do something to rid him of those feelings like some expression of affection. The one time I have gotten jealous and acted on it (pushed a guy at the club), my SO was too belligerent to notice, but said that he would have gotten angry at the person I was jealous towards for pushing me back. :P

[Vanitas]

I'm with "I know it happens, I just don't want to hear about it." crowd.

I think when a SO tells their partner that they find someone else attractive, a line is being crossed. I'm not sure what, or maybe it just depends on the dynamic of that particular relationship, but it opens up another room of possibilities. I'd rather spare my partner those possibilities and I would like them to extend similar courtesy.

[Zombicide]

I'm with the (almost nonexistent) "Please tell me all about it so that I can jerk off to the fact" crowd. If they're any SO of mine it must be that I relate to them so that even in regard to what they're attracted to is what turns me on and I'd actually prefer to share (them) so he or she ought to tell me and even do the sex with whoever right in front of me while I jack it. I fantasize about the guys I'm attracted to fucking the girls I'm attracted to and the guys sucking each other off and girls tribbing and what not et cetera et cetera, like a big orgy. One day, that will be the world, I will create it ... the orgy world.