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Why am I always friend zoned? None
Old 11-30-2010, 10:29 AM   #1
Soterious
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Hello,
I'm a junior studying Biological Engineering and I'll be 21 in April. When I was 2 years old I had an eye injury and during my early life from 2-17 years of age I had a lazy eye. It was hard for me to meet new people because I had to explain to them that I was looking at them not someone over their shoulder. I have never had a girlfriend besides those jokes in elementary school. I seem to always find the friend zone. It is not that I'm not a likable person anyone who meets me either likes me or doesn't there isn't really an in-between. Right now there is a girl in o e of my classes that i had met last semester and decided to sit by her this semester. I have grown very fond of her but I am afraid I have ventured intothe friend zone again. I believe that I get so caught up in analyzing or trying to help people that I cannot determine if they actually like me. Therefore it takes me forever to make a move if is ever do. We study together now and make amazing grades when we do. There is never a break in our conversations. We actually scheduled our classes together for next semester. There is a slight problem though. I have never talked to her on the phone, or done anything outside of school. I know that shelikes me but I don't know how. I am starting to feel like I just suck at getting girls. I may be too nice?? Feedback would be nice.

 

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Old 11-30-2010, 10:36 AM   #2
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If you two have spent more that 3 consecutive days having those unbroken conversations it is highly probable you are already friendzoned. Specialy if she tells you about rather personal stuff. Ask her out anyway, worst case scenario you whont be in the limbo of uncertainty. There is a chance the friendship gets awkward tho.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:40 AM   #3
Uriel
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Since you said that you guys have study sessions together and have long conversations, and on top of that you have synchronized your class schedules for next semester, the possibility of leveling-up your friendship into a relationship is there.

Also, since you managed to befriend her notwithstanding the lazy-eye, there's also a good chance she's not one of those shallow girls.

What exactly do you mean by "getting girls"? Understanding them, or bedding them?
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:52 AM   #4
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Quick verification: lazy-eye is fixed, I'm not a virgin.

I am not able to initiate relationships if it is going to take me initiating physical contact or telling a girl I like them within 3 days then I'm shit out of luck. I just can't tell when girls like me. The problem is I like her alot we get along great but I have a problem with just being friends but after being rejected I feel like I'd have some difficulty being as genuine as a friend. So I don't know if I should ask her on a date or not I almost feel like she's my girlfriend while were at school minus physical contact. I guess I'm looking for a magical answer where there is none.
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Old 11-30-2010, 10:55 AM   #5
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  Originally Posted by pyramidheadrock
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If you two have spent more that 3 consecutive days having those unbroken conversations it is highly probable you are already friendzoned. Specialy if she tells you about rather personal stuff. Ask her out anyway, worst case scenario you whont be in the limbo of uncertainty. There is a chance the friendship gets awkward tho.

Sounds backwards to me. From first-hand experience I can say that the women who shared the most with me were also the most interested in me. Maybe it's different depending on personality type?

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Old 11-30-2010, 10:55 AM   #6
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  Originally Posted by Soterious
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Quick verification: lazy-eye is fixed, I'm not a virgin.

I am not able to initiate relationships if it is going to take me initiating physical contact or telling a girl I like them within 3 days then I'm shit out of luck. I just can't tell when girls like me. The problem is I like her alot we get along great but I have a problem with just being friends but after being rejected I feel like I'd have some difficulty being as genuine as a friend. So I don't know if I should ask her on a date or not I almost feel like she's my girlfriend while were at school minus physical contact. I guess I'm looking for a magical answer where there is none.

The magical answer is open your mouth and say something. Don't make it into an international event, and things can continue regardless of how you both feel. If she spends that much time with you and synced up her courses, here's a hint: she likes who you are. Most girls want to be with guys that they like as people.

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Old 11-30-2010, 10:59 AM   #7
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The 'friend zone' isn't actually real. Perhaps if someone is extremely irrational they'll fight the urge... But if someone is that irrational, perhaps it's best that you find someone else anyway.

I say progress to hanging out outside of school and keep it going. Don't overanalyze things to death. If you like her, just hang out with her and see where it goes?
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:02 AM   #8
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A friend zone exists because you can hook up and break up with boyfriends and girlfriends but friendships are meant to last longer and aren't meant to be a binary (yes/no) issue. The lack of official "rules" between friends (am I a friend? How long have we been friends? What level of friendship are we at? These questions don't exist) makes it difficult to go from friend to a romantic relationship.

The fear of the other side is losing a friendship. That should be an important considering if you decide to let her know you'd like to have a romantic relationship with her.

What type of friendship do you have? Is it all deep and philosophical? Is it a lot of joking? Is it laden with gossip? Depending on the type will determine whether it can transition to something romantic.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:15 AM   #9
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  Originally Posted by ShadowID
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A friend zone exists because you can hook up and break up with boyfriends and girlfriends but friendships are meant to last longer and aren't meant to be a binary (yes/no) issue. The lack of official "rules" between friends (am I a friend? How long have we been friends? What level of friendship are we at? These questions don't exist) makes it difficult to go from friend to a romantic relationship.

The fear of the other side is losing a friendship. That should be an important considering if you decide to let her know you'd like to have a romantic relationship with her.

What type of friendship do you have? Is it all deep and philosophical? Is it a lot of joking? Is it laden with gossip? Depending on the type will determine whether it can transition to something romantic.

That is very interesting a typical engagement would involve lots of smiling and laughing we sometimes talk about what we want in the future. It's kind of hard to say what we actually talk about but it does not involve gossip. For example during class today she told me she is training for a half marithon and it led us to talking about how we both like soccer and should go play sometime. We also talked about all of our injuries(that's always an interesting topic)

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Old 11-30-2010, 11:19 AM   #10
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  Originally Posted by Soterious
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That is very interesting a typical engagement would involve lots of smiling and laughing we sometimes talk about what we want in the future.


Sounds to me like she's interested in you. Especially talking about the future. Does she ever talk to you about what she wants in a romantic partner? If so, I'd take that as a hint...

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Old 11-30-2010, 11:29 AM   #11
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  Originally Posted by Soterious
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That is very interesting a typical engagement would involve lots of smiling and laughing we sometimes talk about what we want in the future. It's kind of hard to say what we actually talk about but it does not involve gossip. For example during class today she told me she is training for a half marithon and it led us to talking about how we both like soccer and should go play sometime. We also talked about all of our injuries(that's always an interesting topic)

She probably doesn't want to lose you as a friend since it seems she's very comfortable with you. Most people think about the possibility of being with someone who is a friend of the opposite sex. But the decision is usually never revealed.

Do you know what MBTI type she is? That'll make the approach easier to craft.

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Old 11-30-2010, 11:31 AM   #12
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Friend zone only means I really enjoy hanging out with you but I'm not in anyway sexually attracted to you. If she enjoys hanging out with you and is attracted to you then you can't be friend zoned. It would be better to come out and say something to her and find out witch it is. Be warned if she does give you the friend zone shit (I like you but would never have sex with you answer) it will be very hard to continue being friends with her. No one wants to be reminded of their failure constantly.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:34 AM   #13
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Are you any good at flirting? Show them your interested without being creepily agressive.
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Old 11-30-2010, 11:37 AM   #14
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  Originally Posted by freeeekyyy
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Sounds backwards to me. From first-hand experience I can say that the women who shared the most with me were also the most interested in me. Maybe it's different depending on personality type?

It's not a personality thing but a preference based on a need for emotional security. People who can't heal easily from lost friendships compartmentalize the friendship part of their romance into someone they know they will not lose easily, and compartmentalize the sexual part of their romance into someone who they call a significant other. I'd stay away from people like that because they can't offer you emotional intimacy, she'll likely have a lot of guy friends to cater to her emotional needs and use you for sex. Sometimes that's the affect you want, other times it isn't so appealing, depends on who you are and what you want.

  Originally Posted by pyramidheadrock
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If you two have spent more that 3 consecutive days having those unbroken conversations it is highly probable you are already friendzoned. Specialy if she tells you about rather personal stuff. Ask her out anyway, worst case scenario you whont be in the limbo of uncertainty. There is a chance the friendship gets awkward tho.

...that is, if she's the sort who compartmentalizes as I've described above.

Now, to address the question in your subject, it probably doesn't have much to do with you at all. Not everyone likes to be emotionally romantic and physically romantic in a single relationship. Finding someone who does want both is comparable to trying to find someone with the exact physical specifications you want, it takes some hunting and some work, and a lot of rejecting/rejection.

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Old 11-30-2010, 11:54 AM   #15
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Because you treat them like friends. Friendship is based on different principles than romantic relationship.

In contrary to modern belief, I believe romantic relationship is about sex. In most species boys are typically on the top. If you don't give a subtle hint that you want to hump the other side, you get friend-zoned. And don't forget: boys are supposed to be dominant. I doubt that is cultural, I think its biological since we share that trait with majority of animals.

On the other side friendship is asexual and based on equality. If you want to sustain a friendship with a woman I don't think trying to get dominant (playing a male role) or discussing sex is a good idea.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:04 PM   #16
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  Originally Posted by Ice Wolf
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Because you treat them like friends. Friendship is based on different principles than romantic relationship.

In contrary to modern belief, I believe romantic relationship is about sex. In most species boys are typically on the top. If you don't give a subtle hint that you want to hump the other side, you get friend-zoned. And don't forget: boys are supposed to be dominant. I doubt that is cultural, I think its biological since we share that trait with majority of animals.

On the other side friendship is asexual and based on equality. If you want to sustain a friendship with a woman I don't think trying to get dominant (playing a male role) or discussing sex is a good idea.

Exhibit B.

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Old 11-30-2010, 01:12 PM   #17
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bit of advice i gave to my friend just last night. Play at your strengths. Figure out what it is you feel you bring to a relationship, and mention it with great confidence( and do not mention flaws. Your too awesome to be worried about those)

For example, i always mention my large member size to a woman im interested in, if the subject of sex ever comes up in casual conversation (and usually it does).

Sometimes i even say it bluntly, like "Look. I just want you to know.. I have a large Penis"

they usually laugh, but become curious and interested as well.

This guy jokes around a lot, but hes also intense and confident. Could it be? is it true?

It sounds stupid but it works more often than not.

P.S. above posters have a good point too, be a man more than a friend.
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Old 11-30-2010, 01:18 PM   #18
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  Originally Posted by Soterious
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I believe that I get so caught up in analyzing or trying to help people that I cannot determine if they actually like me. Therefore it takes me forever to make a move if is ever do.

Two thoughts. One, stop explaining your eye. If someone asks, answer, but otherwise, don't make a big deal out of it. I guarantee that this is a thousand times more important to you than it is to anyone else you encounter. Most people won't even notice, and if they do, won't care. If anything, they may ask a question, but that's about it. So, try (if at all possible) to let go of that hang-up of feeling that you need to explain. You don't.

When you think about your eye, I want you to repeat something to yourself: My imperfections make me interesting. It's true, too. Perfect people are perfectly boring. Our little quirks, imperfections, hell--even our flaws--make us interesting and HUMAN.

Second, stop overthinking and move faster. Instead of spending a long, long time contemplating your interest internally and calculating the risk/benefit analysis, consider jumping to the point where you ask her on a casual date a LOT faster. If she says no, you know you're in the friend zone, and you can move on and just be friends without the romantic attachment. If she says yes, you have a shot at more.

One thing that INTJs do that really shoots themselves in the foot is that you wait too long to take action. By the time the average INTJ gets around to taking action, 90% of other humans have already given up. Whatever little spark of interest that might have been there has died because we've concluded you aren't interested and that WE are in the friend zone. Trust me on this one.

If you think you're vaguely attracted to a girl's personality, ask her out for coffee. Coffee is the perfect non-threatening get-to-know-you activity that can definitely lead to more. But, if you don't ask, you get nothing.

 

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Old 11-30-2010, 01:28 PM   #19
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IMO you're positioned well to try and nudge the relationship into a romantic one, just don't be too persistent if she resists...just try again later on down the road if you don't find anything else sooner.

I don't think you can officially be 'friend-zoned' if you haven't actually tried moving the relationship away from the platonic.

Don't panic, trust your instincts, but think hard before you act on doubt. It'll be a long time before you find your 'one' if you take no risks. For each girl that 'doesn't work out' you have the experience, and you should find satisfaction that you know for sure that they're not meant for you, rather than be left at the starting line, wondering.
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Old 11-30-2010, 02:44 PM   #20
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I think you're well into the friend zone. You'll have to decide if that's what you want or if you want something more romantic. If you want more be upfront and confident. If she's not into you then move on, fast. You've already been kind enough, spent enough time around her, etc... she doesn't need more time to decide.

Sorry to say but most women tend to put nice guys (aka friendly guys) into the friend zone quicker than you would think. My guess is she's either socially awkward and unsure of the situation or she's having a romantic relationship someone else. I would tend towards the latter.

What to do? Well you have to be confident, period. Practice it with random women or acquaintances. Do little social expirments and see what works and what doesn't. Be mysterious without being creepy. You can't just lay it all out. She has to have something to wonder about. A sense of humor is big too. Put downs work well. Nothing too personal but little sarcastic jabs here and there. Don't follow a girl around like a puppy. When a girl is truly into you, you'll learn to see the signs instead of being in limbo. Learn which ones aren't and move on quickly.

I've been exactly where you are and it's one of the negative college experiences that has stuck with me. This is a game and isn't a logical one. It took me a long time to even begin to figure it out. Some good points in the other posts as well. Best of luck.
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:20 PM   #21
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Wow, this has turned out to be a pretty good thread. You all make good points and it all makes sense.The only thing is that I really don't know if I should just invite her to play soccer or study and hope that something happens or ask her to dinner and take a chance. Or do them both... geeze
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:38 PM   #22
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Like I said, it depends on what you want. Are you content just being friends? You can't hope things will happen if you want more.

That said, I think asking her to do something outside of studying (i.e. non-American football)will give you a good sense of where she's at.
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:40 PM   #23
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  Originally Posted by Soterious
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Wow, this has turned out to be a pretty good thread. You all make good points and it all makes sense.The only thing is that I really don't know if I should just invite her to play soccer or study and hope that something happens or ask her to dinner and take a chance. Or do them both... geeze

It's my experience that the "anticipation that something will happen" will most likely end poorly. Anticipation for an INTJ is a social nightmare.

But the common wisdom so far is that you need to do something. I would like to demonstrate your position

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Hard Place

If you do find the courage to tell her how you feel, one of three things will happen
(1) she will accept
(2) she will reject
(3) she will give you an out (i.e. pretending it's a joke to save the friendship).

For (1) You're pretty happy. For (2) don't feel too bad. It's a possibility. Let her know you understand, etc. etc. (3) take the out and accept it.

Regardless of what happens, a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Be HAPPY that you went through it.

You may find the courage today, tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now (I'm just trying to be complete with the last one).

At the very least, enjoy the time you have with her regardless of anything else. She may have a cute friend in the future that has the hots for you.
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:47 PM   #24
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how are you on the attractive scale? not trying to offend you, but thats reason #1 that guys get friendzoned. reason #2 is that they are looking for a bad boy (which is usually a stupid idea) and you are not one. #3 they value your friendship so much that they know if it doesnt work out they will lose you or complicate the relationship and they cant go back.
try not worrying so much, just do your thing and someone will find you.
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Old 11-30-2010, 03:47 PM   #25
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A good, but risky way of telling whether or not you're in the friend zone is to ask her advice about another girl. To play it safe, you can avoid making it seem like you're genuinely interested in someone else (and definitely avoid playing out a scenario that mirrors your relationship with her). You can play it as if you have a female friend that has expressed interest, but you're either not sure, or pretty sure you're not interested, and not sure how to tell her 'no.' The risk here is that your friend automatically assumes you're talking about her. Her reaction may not be an obvious indicator (but hey, if it is, that was easy, right?) but if you're relatively good at reading people it might give you some insight.

If you don't like being untruthful then probably won't work out.
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