[teri]

So, the only thing that I can think of is paying compliments and giving alot of credit (before it happens). Any other tips on avoiding this? This is the reason that I am leaving one job and want to avoid this at the new job

[Smokescreen]

The infamous INTJ stare doesn't work?

In all serious, though: It's been my experience that bullies tend not to like people who stand up to them. When one hassles you just do whatever you need to make them feel small and they'll direct their energy towards someone else.

Granted, this was in my school years but I don't have any reason to think that the workplace would be any different.

A little context might help you get some more in depth help with this.

[Campbell]

	Originally Posted by Smokescreen To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It's been my experience that bullies tend not to like people who stand up to them.

I second this - I find that bullies look for the easy targets, so give them a little check and they should knock it off. Once they see you won't put up with their nonsense, they'll just go look for someone who will.

[miche001]

In some cases, you can't come off as too friendly. People will see you as an easy target. If you like to smile and give people the benefit of the doubt first, they will try to move in on you...then you'll have to put them in check.

I have to come off as not overly friendly first, then as I get to know people and their reputations, I know who's allowed in and who isn't. The only reason I do this is because I have nervous energy that comes off in smiles and a lot of enthusiasm.

[psykhe]

Sarcasm works wonders at times..
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[GrnEyz]

At your new job find out who is the meanest nastiest bully of the entire organization... then get right up in his/her face and don't back down... everyone else will fall in line.

[miche001]

	Originally Posted by psykhe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Sarcasm works wonders at times.. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Like that, too.

Also, as hard as it may be when you're new and an introvert, but try to find a mentor. That way someone will have your back if someone is out of line.

Usually the bully is well known and everyone can't stand them anyway...unless they're a sociopath, who comes off as super charming.

[Traverser]

	Originally Posted by miche001 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Usually the bully is well known and everyone can't stand them anyway...unless they're a sociopath, who comes off as super charming.

(shudders)

Bullies are easy; sociopaths are hard.

[Asinine]

The only good way to deal with a sociopath once they target you is to get away from them. Not because of them, so much. If left alone, they are pathetically weak and typically destroy themselves within a few years. They are so effective because of the people around them that unwittingly and often subserviently aid and abet their bad behavior. These guys will know where all the skeletons (often of their own creation, but scapegoated to someone else) are and any significant confrontation will result in organization wide wholesale manipulation, blackmail, demagoguery, and gas-lighting to crush their victims. Everyone will move not to remove the psycho on a rampage, but the person they perceive is antagonizing them. Overt violence is also sometimes an issue. Even if you "make peace" with one, they will only lay off long enough to use you up and then unload into you with full force once the opportunity arises. As for others, it depends on their quirks:

Narcissists hate it when they look bad. If they look bad for bullying you they will stop.

Histrionics and Borderlines hate it when they are ignored. If they end up being ignored by everyone when they bully you, they will stop.

Obsessives are usually riding the fine line of burn-out, anyway. Overwhelm them with the crap they ask for times 10 and they will typically learn to back off.

Emotionally insensitive rationals will usually leave you alone if they decide they are talking to a brick wall of self-imposed ignorance. But, you don't need me to tell you that.

Somewhat normal people will bully if they are lead to (by a sociopath or a narcissist, typically), or if they aggravated to hell. Communicating your feelings (to a lesser extent, reasoning), listening to theirs, and giving them some space will usually result in them backing down. Normal people follow reflexively, if they are doing something, it's usually either due to survival instincts and/or external forcing. That said, the identity of such followers is usually largely defined by the authority they follow. Avoid challenging that authority in their presence, even if it makes sense, unless it is an emergency. If you throw their sense of self into doubt, they will perceive it as an attack and will retaliate.

Oh, I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. This is not medical advice. This is not mental health advice. This is just my personal opinion based on my experience. Etc...

[teri]

Well, my main problem was that the person who was right above me doesn't like me. He was constantly belittling me, finding fault in minor things and generally acted as though any decision that I made was wrong. It all started when someone higher-up gave me a compliment, and then later our boss told him that he could learn from me. I couldn't figure out how to deal with it, so I decided that it would be easier to leave-just a few days left!

My new boss is the owner of the company, and he has no experience at all in the department that he hired me for-I have 12 years experience in this department. So I guess, that I am afraid of starting off on the wrong foot again

[paperclip]

mm I think two strategies would help in this situation.

1. Just in case you are coming off as a seasoned know it all, curb comments that could be perceived as threatening (if there are any).

2. Next time he belittles you, confront it head on. State that if he is dissatisfied with your work you'd like to address it in a productive environment. If not, you'd appreciate not being baselessly belittled.

--

Long term:

3. Wait and assess. If his bad attitude continues, set up a personal meeting. If it continues after that, go to a higher up. Going to a higher up immediately is likely to have a negative effect. Depends on his personality. If he is a strategizer, he will perceive your buddying up with a superior as threatening. If he is a people pleaser, it will put him into line with little direct confrontation on your part. More info is needed.

[Smokescreen]

Originally Posted by teri To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, my main problem was that the person who was right above me doesn't like me. He was constantly belittling me, finding fault in minor things and generally acted as though any decision that I made was wrong. It all started when someone higher-up gave me a compliment, and then later our boss told him that he could learn from me. I couldn't figure out how to deal with it, so I decided that it would be easier to leave-just a few days left! My new boss is the owner of the company, and he has no experience at all in the department that he hired me for-I have 12 years experience in this department. So I guess, that I am afraid of starting off on the wrong foot again

Hmm. That does help a bit.

My training as an internet sociologist makes me think that perhaps your superior at your current (or old, I suppose) job simply doesn't like the fact that he's being upstaged by someone underneath him.

There could be an emasculation thing at work there too, but that's another can of worms entirely.

An any event, my previous advice of simply standing up to dude still applies. Paperclip's suggestions (the second one in particular) are good and I think that would produce some desirable results with the guy either leaving you alone or opening up a dialogue about the situation.

[saberu]

think Pavlov and his research for some simple insights.

Myself and a friend both deal with a workplace bully.

When the bully at my work acts badly I give them a bad reaction and get pissed off. Slowly I have trained this person to deal with myself and others more delicately. Even the thickest moron will learn not to touch a hot stove.

My friend has done the opposite. Trying to satisfy his bosses cruel demands. He is rewarding the behavior and it continues to get worse each time we talk. I feel bad for the guy because his insecurities make him feel expendable when he is actually a great asset to the company.

The only trick is to act very friendly the other times so that there is some separation of good vs bad. 10 minutes after you flip out just approach him with a nonchalant attitude and maybe even compromise with an apology and ask for a small favor.

best of luck

[ShadowID]

Originally Posted by saberu To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

think Pavlov and his research for some simple insights. Myself and a friend both deal with a workplace bully. When the bully at my work acts badly I give them a bad reaction and get pissed off. Slowly I have trained this person to deal with myself and others more delicately. Even the thickest moron will learn not to touch a hot stove. My friend has done the opposite. Trying to satisfy his bosses cruel demands. He is rewarding the behavior and it continues to get worse each time we talk. I feel bad for the guy because his insecurities make him feel expendable when he is actually a great asset to the company. The only trick is to act very friendly the other times so that there is some separation of good vs bad. 10 minutes after you flip out just approach him with a nonchalant attitude and maybe even compromise with an apology and ask for a small favor. best of luck

Doesn't giving someone a bad reaction and slowly training the person to deal with it make YOU the bully?
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[miche001]

Originally Posted by teri To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, my main problem was that the person who was right above me doesn't like me. He was constantly belittling me, finding fault in minor things and generally acted as though any decision that I made was wrong. It all started when someone higher-up gave me a compliment, and then later our boss told him that he could learn from me. I couldn't figure out how to deal with it, so I decided that it would be easier to leave-just a few days left! My new boss is the owner of the company, and he has no experience at all in the department that he hired me for-I have 12 years experience in this department. So I guess, that I am afraid of starting off on the wrong foot again

I had a manager who was also threatened by my performance. She was very controlling and jealous. It's tough having someone right above you whose got it in for you. Maybe check in with them with things that you know you know, but want them to feel as though they taught you...the "what do you think?" approach may help in this situation. It may require some dumb advice and a few failures, but at least they don't feel competitive. INTJ's have a hard time holding back their smarts, but you may need to see the entire war and give up a few battles.

[ShadowID]

Originally Posted by teri To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Well, my main problem was that the person who was right above me doesn't like me. He was constantly belittling me, finding fault in minor things and generally acted as though any decision that I made was wrong. It all started when someone higher-up gave me a compliment, and then later our boss told him that he could learn from me. I couldn't figure out how to deal with it, so I decided that it would be easier to leave-just a few days left! My new boss is the owner of the company, and he has no experience at all in the department that he hired me for-I have 12 years experience in this department. So I guess, that I am afraid of starting off on the wrong foot again

I know the type. It means the person doesn't know how to judge you so they pick minor things that they "know" is correct to criticize. They try to get through the day not knowing what to do.

I would probably just remain respectful, mindful that the person has an inferiority complex. I would repeat all of his/her criticisms by saying, "Yes, I will <insert method to fix the problem> right away." This will make the person fear that he/she is giving bad advice and will ruin the company.

Example: Boss: "Why don't you double space? and how come there are so few commas."
You: "Yes, certainly. I will double space and insert more commas in future reports."

Might work. If they are smart, it may make them angry but since they criticized that, they're not allowed to get too angry.

[storm eyes]

	Originally Posted by Traverser To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	(shudders) Bullies are easy; sociopaths are hard.

So true....*seconds that shudder*

If they are trying to belittle you ask them to repeat it... usually someone on the put down path "gets off" because they have a need to present themselves as better than you (raging insecurity is most likely the actuality)... if they have to repeat it, it never has the same impact second time around. Look them right in the eye when you ask, calmness is key.
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[prodigy]

Become a bully yourself. You have the brainpower, find your spirit.

[Silent type]

I've been able to find subtle ways to undermine a workplace bully. I can't really explain how I am able to do it, but I can immediately identify the end result of a potential action that I can take and use that information to destroy the bully. I guess it comes with the "mastermind" title. Work situations can resemble a giant chess game in a way. Look for opportunities and take them when they appear to be weapons that you can use against the bully.

Example: Do something that a bully/supervisor tells you to do (knowing full well that it will fail) and find a way to let someone higher know about what you did and who ordered you to do it.

[Othesemo]

What, in all of the worlds, could be funner than bullying bullies? It has been my experience that people will back down if you give them the same crap they're forcing upon you. In the event of event of a hierarchy, just follow "Silent type's" suggestions.

[silicon212]

My ESFP boss. He's the owner of the company. However, I hold something of a trump card - he knows I am not very replaceable, so that gives me a certain power that I take full advantage of. There have been times that I've gotten right into his face over some of his bonehead decisions, and I am not an agressive person by any stretch.

Early in life I was pushed around by bullies - from school and in the early work experience (mostly in fast food settings). Somewhere along the way I discovered that if I push back when pushed, I earn their respect.

I use that information in every aspect of my life. Although I am not agressive, I am not passive either. I will push back when pushed hard enough, and that's what you have to do.

As for my boss who I will call John (an alias - his idea not mine), he is taken rather aback when I push back. Thunderstruck is a word that can certainly apply at times. When I've had my fill of his crap, I snap on him and that in turn causes him to react - usually by kissing my ass because he knows he doesn't want to lose me (I hate it when he does this, but it's more tolerable than his nonsequitur line of thought).

[Margaret32]

14 months ago I departed a job after spending 12 yrs being bullied and psychologically abused. The boss = narcissistic personality disorder, thus a sociopath, and far more dangerous than a "bully." I still ask myself why I took so long to decide to leave. Boss was clearly egotistical from the onset. After a few yrs he evolved into a micromanaging, controlling, over-critical meanie. I believe he felt threatened by my job performance and following by clients. Perhaps aging, moving into his 40's, caused his derailment in social and emotional skills. For several yrs I challenged him, often face-to-face, more often in writing as he made himself inaccessible and I wanted to save his replies. When I did some research and then realized he had NPD I accepted that he would NEVER change, that he was truly dangerous (with job decisions, business decisions, lying, and being abusive) and I became detached. (I also read Bob Sutton's book, "The No Asshole Rule. He advises to leave aa asshole-dominated job if possible, and if it is not possible to leave, then become emotionally detached.) I ignored him whenever possible and just did my job as well as ever. Still I was constantly anxious, vigilant, and disgusted by him. It became clear to me that my emotional, psychological and physical health were being threatened by working with this guy. So I found a new job 30 miles away but closer to home, accepted that many clients would not follow me, and am SO HAPPY. I am with kind, relaxed, smart, supportive, emotionally stable partners that focus on excellence and value family time. Thus no one is a workaholic or focused on making tons of money. I still have nightmares about the NPD boss, a reflection of PTSD from years of abuse by him. I successfully got 2 former co-workers to escape from NPD man and they are SO happy and relieved as well.

Sorry for the rambling. My point is, life is too short to spend it with bullies, jerks, idiots, and other life-sucking creatures. Create the work life that you want and deserve. Yep, that can be very challenging, especially early in one's career, but it can be done.

[namaste]

	Originally Posted by Margaret32 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	1 Sorry for the rambling. My point is, life is too short to spend it with bullies, jerks, idiots, and other life-sucking creatures. Create the work life that you want and deserve. Yep, that can be very challenging, especially early in one's career, but it can be done.

right the PTSD and nightmares after living with psychopath and crazy people are life long damage its better to leave them and if its for few days then ignore them

[Selene]

If killing them with kindness fails to work, be less psychologically accessible to the bully by lessening communication and contact. In worse case scenarios that demand some form of action to curtail the bullying, seek out valid channels such as legitimate authority to mediate this. Meanwhile continue to build referent power and expertise, rally support from other colleagues.

[Causa Mortis]

	Originally Posted by Traverser To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	(shudders) Bullies are easy; sociopaths are hard.

This is kind of where I'm at.

My boss has fantastically poor boundaries and alternates a 30 minute screaming session over everday mistakes with gushy whines about his ex wife leaving him while bragging about his sexual conquests with wanting to hang out and demanding that I give him rides all over the city with incessant remarks about my weight (I have a small paunch).

He also pays about 50% above market, so I put up with it, but I've become completely emotionally detached.