[katrin]

On the
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, people have been talking about ways people argue and recover from arguments in relationships, but do any of you have suggestions for how to minimize the number or severity of arguments in a relationship?

What are your strategies?

Mine are:

Don't argue about little things.

Accept constructive criticism if it's a) not delivered in a negative way and b) something I am actually able to change.

[miche001]

One I use is:

Lower your expectations of other people. WE can't live up to our expectations--how can they.

[Deliberator]

One incredibly helpful strategy is learning to use humor (especially self-depreciating humor) to help diffuse an argument before it turns bitter.

I haven't been very good at doing this recently, mainly because it takes motivation, effort, skill and energy to maintain a constructive relationship, and those are things I have less of since the baby was born.

[cannotseethe]

I've found that remaining concrete and impersonal can help. That is, avoid extreme words like "always" or "never" and avoid telling the SO that they're this or that, that they think X or Y, or that they do something. So, rather than say "you're always so stubborn," say "I don't feel that my opinion about <foo> is getting a fair listen, which I have to admit upsets me."

Also, drop the expectation that a dispute is going to be resolved in a single conversation. A difference of opinion serious enough to approach argument status is worth exploring over a possibly extended period of time.

[esperanza]

	Originally Posted by cannotseethe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	avoid telling the SO that they're this or that, that they think X or Y, or that they do something. So, rather than say "you're always so stubborn," say "I don't feel that my opinion about <foo> is getting a fair listen, which I have to admit upsets me."

I agree. I do something similar, I think. I try to describe how the thing that bothers me makes me feel, and invite the same from the other person. I feel like if both people care about each other, there should be a mutual interest in minimising each other's emotional harm, so framing communication in this way is fruitful, and conducive to eventual resolution.

I think it has to be delivered in a measured manner though, which is a work in progress for me. If I try in all honesty to do the above but am too emotional, it doesn't get communicated well and sometimes the other person just reads it as "being way too emo", especially if they're a T type.

[Solaris]

Originally Posted by cannotseethe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I've found that remaining concrete and impersonal can help. That is, avoid extreme words like "always" or "never" and avoid telling the SO that they're this or that, that they think X or Y, or that they do something. So, rather than say "you're always so stubborn," say "I don't feel that my opinion about <foo> is getting a fair listen, which I have to admit upsets me." Also, drop the expectation that a dispute is going to be resolved in a single conversation. A difference of opinion serious enough to approach argument status is worth exploring over a possibly extended period of time.

I think we took the same class perhaps.

In addition to the above, I think it's important to leave the past in the past. Deal with it now, then move on. Do not bring it up the next time there's a fight. It has no bearing on right now.

Lastly, learn each other's communication styles. Know who needs a lot of quiet to sort things out, and who is a verbal processor. Decide whether you are the same or different, and how to handle that in a way that is fair to both parties.

[Nemesis]

	Originally Posted by Deliberator To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	One incredibly helpful strategy is learning to use humor (especially self-depreciating humor) to help diffuse an argument before it turns bitter.

Yes. Yes. Yesx50

Agree 247826584%

Humor is so key to a great relationship (romantic or otherwise). Tension can build if things are too serious all the time. Over time, it all builds up and you feel more like you are walking on egg shells whenever you are around your partner. Things stop being fun and enjoyable.

Also, take time to cool off after the first bout. If you try and resolve things before both people have gotten the emotions out of their systems, the motivation behind the resolution is completely different. One person is calm and wants to find a sensible solution, the other just wants things "resolved" (ie. for the other person to fuck off) so they can go away and cool their jets. The person who just wants to cool off emotionally will generally agree to all sorts of crap just to get it done with. They aren't actually emotionally available to tackle the issue. That doesn't actually solve anything and the same issue will bubble up to the surface again.

Normally after a fight, I'm pretty much ready to talk it over and be done with it. However, it took me a few failed relationships to learn to step back and let my SO take however much time she needs to be emotionally available for addressing the issue. The result is that the same argument doesn't keep getting rehashed over and over. Do it once, do it right. Patience, patience, patience.

[JJ Tarvas]

Don't live under the same roof.
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[Kisai]

Don't talk when angry. ##$!

[esperanza]

	Originally Posted by Solaris To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think it's important to leave the past in the past. Deal with it now, then move on. Do not bring it up the next time there's a fight. It has no bearing on right now.

I agree - with one qualification. If something in the past is really festering, do bring it up and deal with it, instead of leaving it to fester and potentially sabotage your relationship. Not in the next fight about an unrelated issue - this is inappropriate, and conflating multiple issues makes it incredibly difficult to deal with any of them - but recognise that it is festering and bring it up in a measured way at another time. There's no point at which you become statute-barred from airing your angst about an unresolved issue, so long as you are actually making a serious attempt to resolve issues, rather than rolling your last 5 years of angst into a ball and hurling it at your partner's head every time you get pissed off about something new.

	Originally Posted by Solaris
	Lastly, learn each other's communication styles. Know who needs a lot of quiet to sort things out, and who is a verbal processor. Decide whether you are the same or different, and how to handle that in a way that is fair to both parties.

Oh definitely this. And further, genuinely understand and accept that your partner's way of dealing with things is just their way of dealing with things, rather than an attempt to deny your emotional needs. If you honestly feel they are trying to deny your emotional needs, you probably shouldn't be in the relationship...

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by cannotseethe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I've found that remaining concrete and impersonal can help.

This is suicide if you are involved with a feeler.

	Originally Posted by JJ Tarvas To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Don't live under the same roof. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Aye, this is probably most effective
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[ESFP]

I've found that being logical helps. Note that logic involves taking into account the irrational elements.

[Cygnus]

Taking the time to try to understand and appreciate the views, thoughts, and feelings of another. Listen and respond. Discussions turn into arguments out of the need to defend one's self and the need to be right...

[ESFP]

Also, don't make it obvious that you're putting energy into resolving it. What you should do or say should have the added affect of taking people's attention OFF the argument. In a subtle unspoken way by demonstration. So don't overanalyze it out loud.

[esperanza]

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	This is suicide if you are involved with a feeler.

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Not necessarily - it depends how you do it. This kind of thing:

	Originally Posted by cannotseethe
	So, rather than say "you're always so stubborn," say "I don't feel that my opinion about <foo> is getting a fair listen, which I have to admit upsets me."

...would go down just fine with me, and I imagine with many other feelers. It's using feeler-friendly language, albeit in a way that's somewhat less emo than that which would come most naturally to the average feeler. I actually think that this can be really helpful - when someone who I know does not see the world in quite the same way as me makes an effort to speak my language, and to express their concerns in that way, I feel fundamentally understood, and it is actually likely to prevent me from getting too emo myself. I guess I tend to be attracted to NTs though, rather than to other Fs, and I have pretty well-developed Te.

What is suicide though is paying no attention to my emotions, or treating them as though they're irrational (and therefore invalid) or irrelevant - especially if I'm obviously upset; double-especially if I'm actually telling you: "I feel upset", because I recognise that you are not a mind-reader and might not notice on your own
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. I know a couple of people like this and I would pretty much never, ever date them
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.

---------- Post added 11-15-2010 at 08:36 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by ESFP To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I've found that being logical helps. Note that logic involves taking into account the irrational elements.

Exactly - it's not rational to ram your logic down someone's throat when they're not in the right frame of mind to be receptive. If your goal is to minimise conflict with a person and they're upset, taking their emotional state into account is a more logical approach than hoping that they'll snap out of it and start behaving more rationally.

[iamhuman]

I have found that using phrases like 'this is how it makes me feel when you do or say that' takes the critcism out of the remark.

I will even go so far as to say that it could be my own issues that are causing me to react to some behavior that I find irritating or offensive. When I don't lay blame, but focus on how I feel, then I find that things tend to get resolved more quickly and quietly.

[think]

If you are upset with them for something you want them to change about themselves, stop. You can't change that person, only they can choose to change. You can however change how you react, perceive, analyze, etc the act or comment or what have you. You have control of your actions, not theirs.

Try not to get defensive. I readily admit, however, this is a flaw of mine. I immediately get riled and don the shield in the presence of conflict. I'm glad I know this ... I'm trying to get better. Because really, if I'm arguing with a good friend or family member, they aren't really trying to get me. We've had a misunderstanding or someone has done something that has upset the other, it needs to be worked out, and even though at the time each party may seem quite upset and have "I'm right" syndrome ... in the end each party still cares about the other. Well, that's what I try to think at least.

EDIT: now that I read this ... I find I didn't write anything on how to avoid conflict ... sawwy

[karenann33]

	Originally Posted by Cygnus To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Taking the time to try to understand and appreciate the views, thoughts, and feelings of another. Listen and respond. Discussions turn into arguments out of the need to defend one's self and the need to be right...

This is exactly it. In addition before I open my mouth to put in a complaint I think is it really worth it? Most of the time the answer is no.

[Ilara]

I like to wait for a calm, quiet time to bring up issues in a non-confrontational way. So, something bothers me. I register that somewhere in my head, think it through thoroughly, then talk to my SO about it when it seems most likely that we'll be able to resolve it somehow. He does the same with me.

I have no interest in blaming or accusing. That probably helps matters.

Generally speaking, I find it ineffective to try to bring any concerns up when people are running on high emotion. It's important to calm down before having the discussion.

[Fubudis]

Minimize and control all negative emotions while releasing the positive ones.

If you're angry, sad, upset, whatever, take it out somewhere else that isn't your partner.

View every relationship with another person as a learning experience. You can like/love them and be happy, or you can never talk to them again, learn from the past, and be happy that you're that much smarter.

I've found that once I accept that there are no bad outcomes from having a relationship with someone, I find myself much less likely to argue with them, becuase it's a waste of my time.
It's very difficult for someone to argue and stay upset and someone happy and disinterested in exchanging words. The situation usually defuses itself quickly.

Also... No exceptions...

[themuzicman]

Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

On the To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , people have been talking about ways people argue and recover from arguments in relationships, but do any of you have suggestions for how to minimize the number or severity of arguments in a relationship? What are your strategies? Mine are: Don't argue about little things. Accept constructive criticism if it's a) not delivered in a negative way and b) something I am actually able to change.

1) Endeavor to listen to and understand the other person's point of view. What is their concern, expectation, or attitude?
2) Reflect what you hear, if you think it isn't clear. "So, I hear you saying X." Return to step 1.

3) Evaluate your own concerns/expectations/attitudes. Are they realistic? Are they appropriate? Are they worth fighting about?
4) Express your concerns/expectations/attitudes as what they are, and not demands. Listen carefully to the response.

5) Look for a solution that attempts to address all concerns/expectations/attitudes.

6) Stay on topic. Do not bring in previous conflicts or other unrelated incidents.
7) If you find yourself escalating emotionally, take a timeout of predetermined length. (anywhere from 10-30 minutes), and then begin again.

[katrin]

Thanks everyone for the excellent ideas.
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	Originally Posted by iamhuman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have found that using phrases like 'this is how it makes me feel when you do or say that' takes the critcism out of the remark. I will even go so far as to say that it could be my own issues that are causing me to react to some behavior that I find irritating or offensive. When I don't lay blame, but focus on how I feel, then I find that things tend to get resolved more quickly and quietly.

You are referring to
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? I had never even heard of this method for conflict resolution until I joined INTJf. It seems like a good choice for solving interpersonal problems in all kinds of relationships. I'm trying to learn to use I-statements, although it may take awhile before I can retrain my brain to not blurt emo when I am upset since I don't experience conflict frequently enough to get a lot of practice. I could practice in front of a mirror or into a tape recorder, I guess.
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I think TBH I-Statements intimidate me a little. I imagine myself saying to somone: "When you do X, I feel Y" and them replying "Who gives a shit what you feel?" Just kidding, sort of, but I do have some reticence about expressing feelings I guess. It makes me feel vulnerable, but other NFs seem to find it helpful, so I know it's worth trying.

[karenann33]

	Originally Posted by katrin To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think TBH I-Statements intimidate me a little. I imagine myself saying to somone: "When you do X, I feel Y" and them replying "Who gives a shit what you feel?" Just kidding, sort of, but I do have some reticence about expressing feelings I guess. It makes me feel vulnerable, but other NFs seem to find it helpful, so I know it's worth trying.

They intimidate me too. In fact I've used them on my husband and hate to admit it many times I do NOT get the answer I'm hoping for. Although don't listen to me as I think our problems go too deep to be solved by "I" statements. He's not fully expressed what I think is anger towards me from my past bitchy behavior. So one "I" statement sends him to defense mode in a heartbeat. "When you are late coming home I feel sad". His reply "Can't you SEE I'm working? I can't do anything right can I?"

.....back to the drawing board. I suck.

[katrin]

Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

They intimidate me too. In fact I've used them on my husband and hate to admit it many times I do NOT get the answer I'm hoping for. Although don't listen to me as I think our problems go too deep to be solved by "I" statements. He's not fully expressed what I think is anger towards me from my past bitchy behavior. So one "I" statement sends him to defense mode in a heartbeat. "When you are late coming home I feel sad". His reply "Can't you SEE I'm working? I can't do anything right can I?" .....back to the drawing board. I suck.

I think the challenge is that both partners have to negotiate--during peace time-- that they'll use the I-statements and both have to learn to funnel their thoughts and emotions into that predefined format. If only one person agrees to it, then it won't be effective. It's not that you are doing anything wrong. He doesn't sound like he is on board with this method, is all.

There's a fakeness about I-statements to my ear, since they sound rehearsed to me, but maybe for couples who use them effectively they serve as a verbal signal that indicates both parties are willing to cool down, be careful with each other, and follow the I-statement pattern. The pattern indicates "Caution. Sensitive data input coming your way. Brace yourself."

[TigerL]

Reflect back what the person says in different words and ask if what you are saying is what they mean. E.g. Do you mean XYZ? Do I understand that correctly?

Try to get at the meaning behind the meaning. When I've argued with my parents, I find it helps when I say Are you really trying to say XYZ when you say ABC? OF course, you have to say this in a neutral tone and not a smart ass one.

In an interview of older couples that have been happily married for decades, I remember one couple saying they always held each other's hand when arguing and this would help defuse any angry feelings, as silly as it sounds. I've had arguments where I hugged my SO afterwards (and I am not a hugger at heart) regardless of who "won" the argument and I find it defuses things.