[ray]

I am trying to find a better way to communicate and build a better understanding of my wife. I seem to ask certain questions in a way that only make her put up her guard and clam up or give a one word/one sentence answer that doesn't necessarily address my concern. I have been told after trying to rephrase the question that "you just didn't like my answer", I guess meaning that I'm trying to get a certain response. What I'm really looking for is simply her truth, her belief, her feelings. It's like she believes that I can't handle the truth, which couldn't be further from the truth, which makes her withhold. Even if she told me to go screw myself and she didn't think that was for me to know, that would be better.
We've been married for three years and have a daughter together. I realize that these questions should have been answered before marriage but it wasn't for the lack of trying. Here they are:

Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?
What are your true feelings about faith and God?
Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?
How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense?

Thank you for your responses in advance.

[Storm]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

Has she not?

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What are your true feelings about faith and God?

What are yours? Why don't you know hers? Do you have some suspicions?

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

What does that even mean?

[Antares]

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What does that even mean?

Perhaps: Are you willing to tell me everything so we perfectly understand each other.

OP: Keep it simple and straight forward. Don't make it sound like an interrogation. Er... That's it. We're pretty hard to offend.

[Necrosis]

Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am trying to find a better way to communicate and build a better understanding of my wife. I seem to ask certain questions in a way that only make her put up her guard and clam up or give a one word/one sentence answer that doesn't necessarily address my concern. I have been told after trying to rephrase the question that "you just didn't like my answer", I guess meaning that I'm trying to get a certain response. What I'm really looking for is simply her truth, her belief, her feelings. It's like she believes that I can't handle the truth, which couldn't be further from the truth, which makes her withhold. Even if she told me to go screw myself and she didn't think that was for me to know, that would be better. We've been married for three years and have a daughter together. I realize that these questions should have been answered before marriage but it wasn't for the lack of trying. Here they are: Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage? What are your true feelings about faith and God? Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness? How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense? Thank you for your responses in advance.

Is she agnostic or athiest in anyway? These questions (besides the 1st one) give me shivers sometimes and I prefer just not to answer them. Particularly this one: Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?
I don't believe in that personally, so asking me that makes me edgy because if I were to tell you that as my partner, it might break your heart.

Also note, if she says: "This is what I think..." then shes being 100% honest and you need to take what she says for the truth.

[Booko]

Hm, this may be a 2 cup of coffee problem...

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

Have you tried: What kind of a relationship do you see between you and my children from the previous marriage?

That's asking her opinion, not making a demand, but the answer will give you needed info.

	What are your true feelings about faith and God?

Again, this comes off a little bit like being given the 3rd degree. Maybe it's a woman thing? *shrug* Women's style of communication isn't always very direct...even for INTJs.

It's hard for me to think of what you might ask her. What is your intent here? Are you trying to explore what sort of religious life you might have together negotiate how that'll work? What sort of religious background does she come from?

	Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

This would probably get a puzzled look from me and then a smart remark about Buddha and a hot dog vendor, but uh, that's me.

Maybe you could ask instead if she's comfortable sharing her closest thoughts and feelings with you, and if not, what could you shift that would make her more comfortable?

That's a dance that always seems to be going on between couples...we're doing another jig right now with some coaching from the marriage counselor. Yup, 25 years later. And we're happily married -- we would just like to stay that way.

	How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense?

If she seems defensive, it might also be worth your while to ask her what in your approach makes her defensive. Being INTJ, she might just tell you. It could be pretty direct though, so be prepared to duck.
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God knows I'm tough on my INTP husband sometimes.

[catzmeow]

What I find with my guy (who is INTJ) is that if I want him to share his innermost thoughts with me, I have to let it flow naturally. I can't put him on the spot and expect him to just spill his guts whenever. He doesn't work like that.

He is not the kind of person who is going to take his insides out and let my rifle my fingers through them. He's very private. He doesn't really have secrets, but it is more about asking the right questions in a non-judgemental way.

So, if you want your wife to talk about her faith, give her opportunities to talk, and don't interrupt. Ask her, "What do you think happens to us after we die? What do you think God looks like and what are his/her characteristics? What things do you consider most important about faith?"

My parents are ISFJs, and they are very threatened by the fact that I don't agree with them on these subjects (i.e., faith). We can't have a conversation about anything of substance because they see my views as threatening. Instead of just asking what I believe, and leaving it at that, they pick at anything I say and try to bully me into conformity with their views.

Just the very existence of a difference of opinion in that realm is upsetting and threatening to them.

I would caution you not to make this mistake. You cannot expect that she will be in complete and total agreement with you on all subjects. She is going to have different opinions. And, if you pressure her to conform to your views, as my parents pressure me to conform to theirs, you will completely alienate her, and she will shut down. You will destroy whatever closeness you might have with her. This is especially true for INTJs.

They are who they are. They are moreso themselves than any other personality type I've dealt with, and if you try to reinvent her too much, you will screw everything up between the two of you. If you want her to do something for you, ask for it directly: "I'd like you to spend more time with my kids," for instance. But, don't expect her to become non-private or to endorse views she doesn't believe. INTJs can't do do fakery and they don't bare their souls very easily, if at all.

If you want to understand her better, ask open-ended questions, and listen to what she has to say, without attacking it, picking at it, or being overly emotional about it.

If you have different views, figure out what is important to you, and see if there is some compromise you can both find that isn't going to compromise your ethics.

For instance, she may not be religious, but she probably has similar ethics and values. Focus on what you share, rather than what you don't share.

[JazzOne]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

If she hasn't done it in three years, it ain't happening.

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

If she's truly INTJ, then no, she can't do this. You'll have to live with it unless she's willing to do some major personality rebuilding. This happens sometimes, but we tend to do it on our own when we feel the need to change. You won't be able to pressure her to change. She will become recalcitrant if you seem critical of her personality.

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by catzmeow To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What I find with my guy (who is INTJ) is that if I want him to share his innermost thoughts with me, I have to let it flow naturally. I can't put him on the spot and expect him to just spill his guts whenever. He doesn't work like that.

I'm like that to a very large extent. But on the other hand, to quote an old Seinfeld episode, "I'm open-- there's just nothing in there."

Interrogations make me resistant and stubborn, but ignoring the issue and expecting me to talk about it when I feel like talking about it is going to be one hell of a waiting game. Like so many other things, it's a delicate balance.

I like to use the squirrel metaphor for these kinds of situations. If you want a squirrel to come over to you, you can't go barreling right at it, yelling things (even nice things) and waving your arms around, but you also can't completely ignore it, either. You have to hold out a peanut and wait for it to come to you. It sucks and it's boring and it's going to take way longer than you want it to, if it even happens at all, and you're going to get really uncomfortable from kneeling in the same position without moving for so long-- but if it does happen, it's pretty exciting. ...What I mean is that you have to try to show some interest in talking about these things that interest you, but without conveying any pressure that it's something you absolutely must discuss or that there's a "right" answer.

[karenann33]

Am with booko on this one. I may have to think a while on this one. But here is what I think right now.

	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

I don't know your whole story on this but if my dh were to ask me that NOW while I have 3 of my own kids to care for I'd be tempted to tell him where to stick it. I've got enough on my plate and this sounds like an overwhelming request to me. You could try asking for specific easily accomplished things like "will you allow my kids to come with you this weekend when you go to the zoo?" that kind of thing. Then I would feel like ok that I can do as it's just ONE event, one day.

	What are your true feelings on faith and God?

On God. Either she believes or she doesn't. Faith either she has it or not. What exactly are you looking for. I guess I don't even understand the question. The part where you say "true" implies to me that you think she's lying when she does answer you.

	Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to achieve oneness?

You've been married for what 3 years? I've been married for 19 and I still struggle with bearing my soul to my husband. Granted my parents were awful people so I have to feel incredibly safe to let you into that place. I do not trust my husband with my feelings. When I do show him a deep part of me he negates it, he defends his actions, or flat out doesn't listen to me. Either way this question is too vague for me. If my husband asked me that (remember we've been together FOREVER) I'd say what do you want to know?

My husband is an INTJ and he is the one who gets on the defense (ok I do too). It's quite annoying so I feel for you on that. I've taken the stance of lovingly telling him I'm not judge and jury. In fact when he did it last week I started crying telling him I just wanted to be heard but in his mind he thinks I'm berating him. In fact last night the word I heard was "mean". Ouch. I didn't think I was being mean I thought I was just well trying to get closer. I see now my approach needs some work and it sounds like your does too. And lots of patience.

[ray]

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Has she not?

No. There are some interesting circumstances though. Both of my sons 13 and 15 from a previous marriage have mental and physical challenges and only one talks. The 15 year old is a non verbal autistic. She has told me that it is hard for her when she gets nothing back. Hmm I sometimes think the same of her. That doesn't explain the 13 year old though. Although he may be hard to understand, he is very loving and talkative to those who listen.

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What are yours? Why don't you know hers? Do you have some suspicions?

I believe in God, but only recently have started excercising my faith. She told me from early on that she was spirital but not religous and didn't believe it was ever a conversation to have along with politics. Yes my suspicion is that she is hiding her agnosticism. She grew up in the church but stopped going after "noone could answer some questions she had". We go to church now but I suspect she goes only because she thinks it may be good for me and our daughter?? Don't know...A person would think that a married couple could have that conversation.

	Originally Posted by Storm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	What does that even mean?

We did go to a marriage seminar that was based on faith and she understands the "oneness" concept. I would just say that is two people coming together in mind body and spirit. I was going to further explain but I'll wait for the comments
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[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You could try asking for specific easily accomplished things like "will you allow my kids to come with you this weekend when you go to the zoo?" that kind of thing. Then I would feel like ok that I can do as it's just ONE event, one day.

That's a good idea, too. It can be hard to understand other people's ideas and opinions about abstract things like the relationship between yourself and third party. It's not hard to understand specific actions that take place between specific points in time.

"Will you try to build a better relationship with my kids" would provoke a "What do you actually want me to do" response, probably with a side order of "Stop berating me."

"Will you come with us when I take them to Putt-Putt this Saturday" is something I could understand, and if you made it clear that you wanted me to, then I'd most likely do it.

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We did go to a marriage seminar that was based on faith and she understands the "oneness" concept. I would just say that is two people coming together in mind body and spirit.

You mean like Siamese twins joined at the brain? I still don't get it.

...Actually, I do, but my complaint with that concept, if someone wanted it from me, would be about the impossibility of measuring it. It's really only half a step above setting the goal of "Let's make our marriage better." It would be a good result, but it's just so subjective that you can't tell whether you're meeting it or not.

[vampyroteuthis]

Faith is personal, and so is doubt. If she's a churchgoer, she clearly has some interest in having faith. If she's still not able to, it's not for lack of a good faith attempt (pun intended).

She doesn't owe you or anyone else that information. It's something she could choose to share, but it sounds like she worries that you would judge her for it.

Or maybe she does have faith, but it looks different from yours, and she's worried you would judge her for that too.

Your asking that particular question does make it sound like you have an agenda, or a particular answer you're looking for. Why do you want her to share that information? Is it so you can assess your religious compatibility with her, or is it in order to know her better? Why is it important to you?

[ray]

Originally Posted by vampyroteuthis To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Faith is personal, and so is doubt. If she's a churchgoer, she clearly has some interest in having faith. If she's still not able to, it's not for lack of a good faith attempt (pun intended). She doesn't owe you or anyone else that information. It's something she could choose to share, but it sounds like she worries that you would judge her for it. Or maybe she does have faith, but it looks different from yours, and she's worried you would judge her for that too. Your asking that particular question does make it sound like you have an agenda, or a particular answer you're looking for. Why do you want her to share that information? Is it so you can assess your religious compatibility with her, or is it in order to know her better? Why is it important to you?

I'm simply looking for her answer. For me, it would help me know where or where not to spend my energy. I'm looking for something to create a marital/family foundation on. Personal ethics/sociatal norms??? The Bible? Just helps me know the rules. I will still have my faith either way.

[vampyroteuthis]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm simply looking for her answer. For me, it would help me know where or where not to spend my energy. I'm looking for something to create a marital/family foundation on. Personal ethics/sociatal norms??? The Bible? Just helps me know the rules. I will still have my faith either way.

You could achieve the same by asking more specific questions about her stance on various ethical issues and social mores. What I'm getting from a lot of the answers here -- and I agree -- is that perhaps all three of your questions, in addition to seeming loaded, are too broad/general.

If you ask specific answers, not only will it be easier for her to give you clear answers, but it might help you gain some clarity on individual issues. As long as you don't magnify disagreements or try to arrive too hastily at some blanket judgement about whether you're on the same page or not, whether she is open to having a relationship with your sons or not, whether his belief is "true", etc. Try to avoid jumping to conclusions, and disaggregate your question. Sort out what you truly mean by each question first, then ask her.

I have to admit, the "oneness" thing set off a few small alarms. I'm not even sure what that would entail. It sounds like you want you and your wife to be of one mind/"soul"/belief, and that's just not a realistic expectation to have. Some disagreement is inevitable.

[plotthickens]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm simply looking for her answer. For me, it would help me know where or where not to spend my energy. I'm looking for something to create a marital/family foundation on. Personal ethics/sociatal norms??? The Bible? Just helps me know the rules. I will still have my faith either way.

You just phrased the correct question. Be a LOT more specific. It might help if you wrote it out.

Also, I'm getting the feeling (intuiting, perhaps) that you ask her these kinds of questions A LOT. To an INTJ who says what they mean and means what they say, it's annoying. Let me give you an example:
"May I come see you this weekend?"
"No, sorry, we're booked up."
"How about Saturday morning before you leave?"
"No, we won't be in that morning."
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"What about in Sunday Evening?"

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"LOOK. I gave you the complete, honest, true answer first. Trying to ask the same thing different ways means that you think I'm stupid. You will NOT be able to get what you want by making an endrun around The Stupid Person to find The Magic Question. NO. NOW STOP WASTING MY TIME. PISS OFF."

If you want more answer than you're getting, say that. "I understand what you said, but I think we're talking apples and oranges. Let me give you an example of the kind of answer I'm looking for and maybe you can help me figure out the right question."

[ray]

Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'm like that to a very large extent. But on the other hand, to quote an old Seinfeld episode, "I'm open-- there's just nothing in there." Interrogations make me resistant and stubborn, but ignoring the issue and expecting me to talk about it when I feel like talking about it is going to be one hell of a waiting game. Like so many other things, it's a delicate balance. I like to use the squirrel metaphor for these kinds of situations. If you want a squirrel to come over to you, you can't go barreling right at it, yelling things (even nice things) and waving your arms around, but you also can't completely ignore it, either. You have to hold out a peanut and wait for it to come to you. It sucks and it's boring and it's going to take way longer than you want it to, if it even happens at all, and you're going to get really uncomfortable from kneeling in the same position without moving for so long-- but if it does happen, it's pretty exciting. ...What I mean is that you have to try to show some interest in talking about these things that interest you, but without conveying any pressure that it's something you absolutely must discuss or that there's a "right" answer.

On the Seinfeld comment:
I really wonder if she thinks this also. It would help to know, then I could stop trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. If she is a turnip, just let me know. I can learn to enjoy turnips
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[JazzOne]

Ray, you seem like a really decent guy. Here is my suggestion:

Pull up this thread to the first page on your home computer. Leave it up, and pretend like you forgot. Let your wife find it and read it while you're at work or working outside, doing something that she knows will occupy you so you won't catch her reading it.

1. She will see how much you care about this that you were willing to reach out to strangers.

2. She will read our replies and possibly learn more about her personality type and about how she is coming across to other people.

This could backfire. She'll probably be royally pissed off. But I suspect that the anger will subside, and she will have a much better idea of how much you care about her. Good luck, my friend. Your story about your sons has really made me cry, and I hope your whole family can pull together.

Another piece of advice: Don't push this religious stuff on her. INTJs are very rational beings, and "faith" isn't something we much enjoy. It has taken me many years to see the utility of religion, though I still doubt the basic premises. I suggested to my girlfriend that we start attending church to make friends in our neighborhood and so I could network with the locals. She's just not ready for that step yet.

Edit: Just for full disclosure, I got this idea from an actual incident on this board. Some Mormon guy came on here because he was having a religious crisis, and his wife didn't really understand his position. She found the thread while snooping through his browser history, and he reported that it actually helped the situation.

[Solaris]

Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am trying to find a better way to communicate and build a better understanding of my wife. I seem to ask certain questions in a way that only make her put up her guard and clam up or give a one word/one sentence answer that doesn't necessarily address my concern. I have been told after trying to rephrase the question that "you just didn't like my answer", I guess meaning that I'm trying to get a certain response. What I'm really looking for is simply her truth, her belief, her feelings. It's like she believes that I can't handle the truth, which couldn't be further from the truth, which makes her withhold. Even if she told me to go screw myself and she didn't think that was for me to know, that would be better. We've been married for three years and have a daughter together. I realize that these questions should have been answered before marriage but it wasn't for the lack of trying. Here they are: Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage? What are your true feelings about faith and God? Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness? How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense? Thank you for your responses in advance.

Honestly? I think it's crazy to get married before having answers to important questions. The idea to achieve oneness gives me an urge to squirm just reading it -- sounds too much like not being individuals.

Maybe just give it a rest for a while. Or give her a list of what you want to know in writing and say you won't ask about them again for two months or something while she writes a reply. Two months seems like a lot, but insert whatever time seems agreeable to you both.

[themuzicman]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

There is no try. There is only do or not do.

Better question: Are you willing to make a commitment to develop a relationship with (INSERT NAMES HERE.)

	What are your true feelings about faith and God?

Better questions: Do you believe in God? (If yes) What are your fundamental beliefs about your religion? (Try to avoid "feel".)

	Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

Say what? You need to be more specific in the information you're requiring. Most INTJs have no clue what that is.

	How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense?

Approach them looking for information. Don't ask her for feelings. Ask for facts, opinions and ideas.

[Storm]

Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

No. There are some interesting circumstances though. Both of my sons 13 and 15 from a previous marriage have mental and physical challenges and only one talks. The 15 year old is a non verbal autistic. She has told me that it is hard for her when she gets nothing back. Hmm I sometimes think the same of her. That doesn't explain the 13 year old though. Although he may be hard to understand, he is very loving and talkative to those who listen.

Do your sons live with you? Dealing with autistic children isn't something that people can naturally do, and learning can be a hard and frustrating process. You can request that she learn, and offer to help her. But just expecting her to "just do it" probably won't yield results.

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	We did go to a marriage seminar that was based on faith and she understands the "oneness" concept. I would just say that is two people coming together in mind body and spirit. I was going to further explain but I'll wait for the comments To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

If she's not faithful, and this "oneness" concept came from a faith seminar, she might be resentful of the whole idea.

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	On the Seinfeld comment: I really wonder if she thinks this also. It would help to know, then I could stop trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. If she is a turnip, just let me know. I can learn to enjoy turnips To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Obviously, I don't know if she's like that or not. I've just noticed that with myself, if you ask a painfully vague question, you'll almost always get a painfully vague answer. If you want to get a conversational fire going, it doesn't help to use lukewarm questions. Come to think of it, questions might not even be the best way to do it. Sometimes statements work better.

[atlas]

Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am trying to find a better way to communicate and build a better understanding of my wife. I seem to ask certain questions in a way that only make her put up her guard and clam up or give a one word/one sentence answer that doesn't necessarily address my concern. I have been told after trying to rephrase the question that "you just didn't like my answer", I guess meaning that I'm trying to get a certain response. What I'm really looking for is simply her truth, her belief, her feelings. It's like she believes that I can't handle the truth, which couldn't be further from the truth, which makes her withhold. Even if she told me to go screw myself and she didn't think that was for me to know, that would be better. We've been married for three years and have a daughter together. I realize that these questions should have been answered before marriage but it wasn't for the lack of trying. Here they are: Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage? What are your true feelings about faith and God? Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness? How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense? Thank you for your responses in advance.

Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage?

Better Question: How about we have a family activity night once a week?
- scheduled meetings are preferred by most of us

What are your true feelings about faith and God?

Better question: What are your beliefs? Do you enjoy going to church?
- most of us prefer direct questions beating around the bush confuses most INTJs/ makes us zone out

Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

No offense to you or anything this 'oneness' a perfectly normal sentiment for most people but if someone asked me that i would run as fast as i could in the opposite direction. My individuality means more to me than any person ever could, having said that, this is my personal opinion. Most INTJs would view oneness as a loss of individuality, however you could always ask your wife if she uncomfortable sharing her whole self with you.

How can I approach these issues without putting her on defense?

Just be direct and to the point a classic INTJ characteristic is that we aren't easily insulted. I'd wager if you narrowed down the scope of your questions and left personal feelings out of them your wife would be able to answer them to your satisfaction. If you could turn it into a conversation that direct the around the questions you would like answered she'd probably naturally answer your questions without you having to interrogate her. i agree with the above post sometimes statements can be better.

[marlique]

	Originally Posted by ray To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Will you try to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage? What are your true feelings about faith and God? Can you bear your soul to me in an effort to acheive oneness?

When reading these questions, I actually hear statements:
- I want you to develop a relationship with my children from a previous marriage.
- I wish you had a strong faith and belief in God.
- I want you to bare your soul and be one with me.

The first statement:

If it's a demand, as in, you really think it is her duty as your wife to develop a strong bond with them, then I suggest approaching it straightforward. INTJs need straightforwardness to know what they're dealing with. I can understand, but sincerely, this should have been approached way before marriage.

If however your question is indeed a question, as in you have no expectations but want to know where you stand, I second the proposition mentioned earlier: ask her a more vague question, like "How do you see your relationship with my children?"


The second statement:

If this is something you want from her - that she would have faith - asking that of someone is just unfair. She may or may not believe, she may even be somewhere between believing and not believing. You said something about feeling that she was hiding her agnosticism, and I can sense in that statement that you would think that would be a terrible thing - to be an agnostic. However, she is the person that she is, and she may not be able to reconcile her mind with religion. It is not for you to decide what is best for her on this regard.

If, on the other hand, it truly is a question, same thing, remove the "true" as it sounds a bit too romantic and unfounded to an INTJ (to an F, like me, it sounds like you want to know her deepest, innermost feelings, but to a T, it sounds like you're saying she has only told you her... false feelings, which is a bit insulting, especially to an INTJ - they are incredibly honest). If it is just a question, again, you will not have any attachment to one answer or another. Make her see that. Tell her you're just curious because you would like to know her better and understand her, and tell her that whatever her answer is, you have no judgements or expectations.


The third statement:

If this is your wish, wow, I mean, I'm an ENFP, I should be all over that stuff, but I'm not. It sounds terribly codependant to me. Becoming one? I thought the purpose of relationships and marriage was to bring another person into your life, not to make that person into an extra limb! Ultimately you must love her because she is different from you. Or if your "oneness" model includes difference and being complementary, you may need to explain it better. In fact you did mention that you had more to say about it, we never got to read it though.

If, however, this is just a question (though I really wonder how it could be, it really sounds like you're yearning for it), I suggest making it a bit more... lighthearted. Ask her if she feels close to you, if she trusts that she can open up to you. Ask her out of concern - bear in mind that she might not feel that comfortable, and that trust needs two people to build. If you really just want to know, tell her so, and reassure her that you're not trying to trap her, only trying to assess the state of your relationship.

I would like to quote Khalil Gibran on marriage, in response to the "oneness" thing:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

[jimnorris]

To answer your questions in order, these are my thoughts:
1) never force an INTJ to bond with anyone. won't work and just creates a nasty rift between you and her. her connections will be very rare, be thankful you are one of them! be positive and know that for you she will try.

2) feelings are mostly irrelevant to INTJ's. rephrase the question to ask her what she thinks not what she feels. note: the word 'true' implies that you don't think she was honest about any answer she gave beforehand. not good to do with your wife regardless of her personality type :P

3) sir, she has probably shared with you far more than you realize. she is your wife, that is how much she loves you and treasures you. how much more 'oneness' can you have?

4) she will not discuss anything deeply personal with you until she knows she is 'safe'. for the sake of sounding philosophically redundant, our thoughts are very personal to us. we don't share them with someone unless we believe we are reasonable secure. make sure you build for her a safe environment where she can be open without fear of embarrassment.

hope this helps.

[rara avis]

What were her unsatisfactory responses to your questions, when you've asked before?