[mitylene]

I am a female INTJ. And I got confronted today by my boss about communication. It's almost the same exact conversation I have with my boyfriend.

When I get angry or tired I don't want to talk.

When issues occur, I don't want to talk. I want to think it over, break it down, come up with some concrete resolutions and then make some pragmatic suggestions.

I don't like talking about my emotions.

Does anyone else have any issues with this?

Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I understand how you feel, but unfortunately for you that's not an easy way to 'be' in this world. My partner is the same way and he's going for counseling to get help learning how to communicate his thoughts and feelings in an effective way.

We have all had to learn how to communicate more effectively in one fashion or another. If you choose not to learn these things, then you choose to make your life a little harder.

[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by mitylene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	When issues occur, I don't want to talk. I want to think it over, break it down, come up with some concrete resolutions and then make some pragmatic suggestions.

Like a "Don't bother me until I've figured this out" kind of thing? I got that, too. For every person added to an attempt at problem-solving, subtract five points from the Group IQ. How many single people, each acting individually, would have gone along with Nazism or the New Coke? Probably about four chuckleheads who actually thought that those were good ideas. But if you put enough people together, you can get them to do anything.

I kind of went off on a tangent there. My point is that I also prefer to solve my problems alone. As for suggestions, sometimes it's easier to become an actor, tell people what they want to hear, and move onto the things that are actually worth your effort once the unpleasantness is out of the way. I guess that can be risky in some situations, so as always, proceed with caution.

[mkay]

	Originally Posted by mitylene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I want to think it over, break it down, come up with some concrete resolutions and then make some pragmatic suggestions.

Have you tried telling your boss / boyfriend this? Sometimes people assume others will react the same way they would and interpret your actions badly when you don't respond as they expect. ... It might help if you just remind them that you / people process things differently. This is especially the case in work settings, when not communicating might be interpreted as your not wanting to do your job, not cooperating (being a "team player," ugh).

[sriv]

My problem is organizing my thoughts while the other person is either continuing to rant or getting impatient expecting a response. Usually, I just commit the conversation to memory, leave, break it down, and e-mail a response back where I can organize my thoughts with some good old Te. It gets annoying explaining to them my incredible lack of Se and too much Te as it often gets misinterpreted as cowardice, but I do acknowledge that I need to work on it.

[Vivid]

I'm somewhat autistic and have always had trouble understanding things beyond my thoughts. I've been trying to think about them more lately, but immediate communication still isn't my forte.

[xtremegeek]

Originally Posted by mitylene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am a female INTJ. And I got confronted today by my boss about communication. It's almost the same exact conversation I have with my boyfriend. When I get angry or tired I don't want to talk. When issues occur, I don't want to talk. I want to think it over, break it down, come up with some concrete resolutions and then make some pragmatic suggestions. I don't like talking about my emotions. Does anyone else have any issues with this? Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

WOW! The INTJs I know are like that too. As an outsider looking in, I can tell you that it would help the rest of us in this world if you could simply say, "I am too tired to talk right now, but I will be ready...(give a date.)" Or, "I am bothered by .... and would like some time to think things through before I can discuss it with you."

As someone who is trying to date an INTJ, I would love it if he would say that to me and give me a date as to when I can expect him to be ready to discuss 'the issue' with me. Oh that would be such a help!

I work with 4 INTJs - one of them does this, subsequently, he receives a lot less criticism about his 'lack of communication' or 'unapproachableness' than the other 3.

[mitylene]

Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Like a "Don't bother me until I've figured this out" kind of thing? I got that, too. For every person added to an attempt at problem-solving, subtract five points from the Group IQ. How many single people, each acting individually, would have gone along with Nazism or the New Coke? Probably about four chuckleheads who actually thought that those were good ideas. But if you put enough people together, you can get them to do anything. I kind of went off on a tangent there. My point is that I also prefer to solve my problems alone. As for suggestions, sometimes it's easier to become an actor, tell people what they want to hear, and move onto the things that are actually worth your effort once the unpleasantness is out of the way. I guess that can be risky in some situations, so as always, proceed with caution.

That's really what I've been trying. But it makes it difficult for me when relationships get deeper. I am really private person. I don't like people probing me for stuff.

But with my boss and my boyfriend the just agreeing with what they said so they'll leave me alone long enough for me to come up with a coherent solution by email isn't working. They know I don't really agree. And want to know what I think NOW. It drives me a little crazy.





mitylene added to this post, 3 minutes and 16 seconds later...

Originally Posted by mkay To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Have you tried telling your boss / boyfriend this? Sometimes people assume others will react the same way they would and interpret your actions badly when you don't respond as they expect. ... It might help if you just remind them that you / people process things differently. This is especially the case in work settings, when not communicating might be interpreted as your not wanting to do your job, not cooperating (being a "team player," ugh).

Yeah I tried telling my boss this. I told him I more of the personality type to think something over before reacting and it is very different from him and the person he was comparing me to. But then he went off on a rant about teamwork and how communication was important and that he cannot always wait for an email from me.

He's a very face to face non-email type of person.

He then questioned whether or not that style would affect my work since I am supposed to be doing sales.

[Noehelia]

It drives me crazy too with my boyfriend. The funny part is that he wants to know everything I am thinking and feeling, especially when we have a quarrel, while he doesn't accept me asking him anything when he is not in a good mood (he is an INTJ). I do not mind explain my thoughts but I need to do it in a later time, when I feel like it, not when he wants. Well, how I dealt with it? I pointed him how different I was when he was leaving me alone and how quicker my anger passed by, while when he did the opposite I got more angry and it could take me much much longer to calm down. He did not catch it the first time, that cycle went through months until he finally got it. He understands now that it is not his best interest to hustle me when I have my nerves.

[mitylene]

Originally Posted by Noehelia To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

It drives me crazy too with my boyfriend. The funny part is that he wants to know everything I am thinking and feeling, especially when we have a quarrel, while he doesn't accept me asking him anything when he is not in a good mood (he is an INTJ). I do not mind explain my thoughts but I need to do it in a later time, when I feel like it, not when he wants. Well, how I dealt with it? I pointed him how different I was when he was leaving me alone and how quicker my anger passed by, while when he did the opposite I got more angry and it could take me much much longer to calm down. He did not catch it the first time, that cycle went through months until he finally got it. He understands now that it is not his best interest to hustle me when I have my nerves.

That is exactly that way I feel about it!

When he leaves me alone, the emotion passes quickly. I am soon rationalize it away or it just goes away. But when I am pestered about it all the details. It drives me crazy and makes me more irritable.

[errrzarrr]

I have trouble communicating. Especially verbally, because written I have more time to think about, edit and re-edit what I wrote.

[Noehelia]

It's not only that, I don't like to be touched either. My boyfriend as an INTJ tries to fix things between as, he thinks that if he hugs me, show me that he cares, analyze our argument the moment it happens that everything will get better, my anger will pass by. It doesn't, it makes it worse. Other people in my environment have figured it out on their own that I need to be left alone for a while.

He has a strong sense of himself so he thinks that the way he treats people and problems is the best. I have also a strong sense of myself so there was no way I would accept his behavior, I tried by many ways to show him how I wanted him to treat me in a situation like that. Some times I went even hysterical so he could understand how important was for me, other times I would calmly but very decisively tell him to just let me alone for 1 hour and then I would tell him if it was alright. I think that pointing him out with real examples of how different was everything when I was left alone to calm down made the trick.

[punkyplatypus]

I have the same problem. I find that people usually just want an answer. So I try to give quick yes or no answers to show I don't want to talk and that I didn't put much thought into the answers. If the question has to do with my perfomance/actions, I give a quick "sorry, I'll work on that". If they keep trying to push the issue, I try to see if there's some way to have the conversation later with a "I'm sort of busy right now..." or "Can you excuse me; I have to go do..." or if it's an issue someone else can handle I'll suggest they asking them. Usually these answers don't hurt the relationship and can be rediscussed later after putting some thought into it; "I've been thinking about what you said and..."

[mkay]

Originally Posted by mitylene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Yeah I tried telling my boss this. I told him I more of the personality type to think something over before reacting and it is very different from him and the person he was comparing me to. But then he went off on a rant about teamwork and how communication was important and that he cannot always wait for an email from me. He's a very face to face non-email type of person. He then questioned whether or not that style would affect my work since I am supposed to be doing sales.

Are you in the type of sales where you can show your results compared with colleagues' results? Because if your sales are comparable and your customers are happy, you can demonstrate to your boss that how you process information isn't hurting your work. It also can depend on what you sell. For instance, if you sell technical stuff to a lot of INTJs, maybe they can relate to you better than other types of sales people.

From the outside, I can see how it would be frustrating to your boss if he's looking for a certain type of sales "personality" and you're not fitting it. Even if he understands that your personality is different, he's probably worried about that customers will see you as unresponsive (not that you necessarily are, but people's perceptions matter a lot in sales). ... Maybe try the work subforum and check whether other INTJs work successfully in sales and try to glean tips there? Do you have colleagues who might be able to help? ... Longer term, your boss might not be willing to accommodate you, so maybe try to have a backup plan ready so that you're covered.

I don't know if I'm typical of ENTPs, but I would find it very annoying to be pressured about my feelings and having to discuss a relationship. I find it very relaxing to be married to an INTJ, because we're both low-maintenance.

[HousesOfApollo]

Whenever I have to talk about something emotional or private, I get a constriction in my vocal chords--it's almost like a selective mutism on my part. So it's not even a matter of not want to communicate--I literally cannot make the words. With enough effort, I can express myself if needed, but I sound horrible; it's like I'm being choked by my own discomfort. This in turn generates more discomfort.