[FeelTheNoise]

Say that you met a girl online. You've done a bunch of messaging with her. You think that this person is very attractive, from her pictures (with the potential to be smoking hot attractive). And, let's say, personality wise, that she's INFJ - and acts like one (not particularly open, or particularly flirty, but deep, passionate about what she does, can write more than a few sentences at a time...).

What do you look for on the first date, if anything?

Personally, I just try to go, have a good time, and not make an ass of myself -- it's a first date. It's kind of like what golfers say about the first day of a tournament -- you can't win it that day, but you can definitely lose it.

I do wonder if I should be more analytical though -- be trying to figure something out purposefully. I mean -- I know that I will analyze the whole thing to death after the fact.... I am prone to leaving my scalpel at home, and let my intuition guide my behavior. That is, I don't have much of an agenda other than just doing a 'chemistry check'.

[katrin]

I think having a fun time and doing the "chemistry check" is plenty. Don't overburden a first date.

[ischuldt]

yeah I think just try and have fun and relax. Try not talk too much about yourself at least not in deep detail. When you do though, talk about things you like more than things you don't. IAsk questions of her, and when she's talking about herself let her keep going don't cut her off.

If you do like the girl don't let the date end without at least attempting a goodnight kiss. If she shuts you down don't take badly just move on.

[paperclip]

	Originally Posted by ischuldt To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you do like the girl don't let the date end without at least attempting a goodnight kiss. If she shuts you down don't take badly just move on.

I am extremely turned off when a guy leans in to kiss me on a first date. I think to myself, I don't even know this guy, where did I give him the pass to touch me? But then again that might be INTJ prickliness. You have to judge for yourself, if she is introverted and keeps personal space in check, I would wait on that. Just go and see if you can have a pleasant conversation with her. Dating is but a series of conversations! Some more naked than others :D

[katrin]

Originally Posted by paperclip To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I am extremely turned off when a guy leans in to kiss me on a first date. I think to myself, I don't even know this guy, where did I give him the pass to touch me? But then again that might be INTJ prickliness. You have to judge for yourself, if she is introverted and keeps personal space in check, I would wait on that. Just go and see if you can have a pleasant conversation with her. Dating is but a series of conversations! Some more naked than others :D

I wouldn't say it pisses me off, but there have been times when I liked a guy and wanted a second date but wasn't ready to kiss him at the end of the first date.

Sometimes I have, though. It's hard to say why or why not. So I wouldn't use the "did she let me kiss her" question as the top factor when deciding to ask her out again or not.

[FeelTheNoise]

	Originally Posted by ischuldt To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you do like the girl don't let the date end without at least attempting a goodnight kiss. If she shuts you down don't take badly just move on.

Hmmmm. Yes.. Then there's the 'kissing' question too.... I've had this conversation with an intj gf. She's totally against the kissing thing -- says that I should 'make her work for it'.

I think that I'm not going to force the issue, at all. Rather, I think that I'll walk her to her car, or whatever. We already have pretty solid plans to be together for a second date... this is the 'chemistry check out' date.... the get comfortable enough to be together in private date.... And we've actually discussed this. We're getting together now, so that we can get together on the weekend for something we both enjoy, but it will be at my house (and, I'm not talking about sex as the thing we both enjoy :P ).

So, provided that there's something, my 'goodnight kiss' will be to say, 'I had a great time. Are we on for Saturday then?'. That might seguay into a kiss... but I'm really going to lay off the gas pedal there and, uh, 'make her work for it'.... That shouldn't be hard to do, as, again, there is more than a good chance that she might be way, way up there in the looks category.... (not sure why that would make it easier to lay off... probably sheer terror).

She's INFJ though... I think she's going to be hard for me to 'read'.... She doesn't respond to compliments... I'm extrapolating from that subtle piece of data that she probably doesn't enjoy it when dates are physically forward with her. But, she's INFJ -- maybe if I just sit there, pouting and puckering, she'll intuit my human need and make it a moral cause to do something about it? Right....

[Fubudis]

They have to be smart, be able to hold a conversation without dominating it, and be physically attractive.

If all three criteria are met, proceed to date two.

[marlique]

DISCLAIMER: This post is completely off-topic. Hijack! Muahahaha.

	Originally Posted by paperclip To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am extremely turned off when a guy leans in to kiss me on a first date. I think to myself, I don't even know this guy, where did I give him the pass to touch me? But then again that might be INTJ prickliness.

Haha, on my first date with my INTJ (which was a simple walk by the way, he came to my area of town late one night and we walked around for some time, just talking), after I walked him back to the subway, I even walked him down the stairs to the gates and all had gone so well that I was definitely craving a kiss. Of course he was just standing there in front of me, looking a bit puzzled as to what his next move might be, and so I was like "Well darn this" and I just leaned forward and tried to kiss him... which went horribly bad, haha. Oh my god, just thinking about it I'm still laughing my ass off.

The thing is, he's from Ontario, an anglophone province, and now lives in Quebec (Montreal to be more specific), a place that is mostly francophone and has a very French culture, by the way. Here, we give two kisses on either cheek to say goodbye, it's automatic. But in Ontario, they don't do this. So my poor INTJ was completely mixed up - the two-kiss thing is already quite alien to him, and the first date kiss was also quite uncertain, and so he sort of started for the two-kiss but then it became evident that I was actually going to kiss him... you can imagine the awkwardness. It was hi-la-ri-ous. To me, anyway.
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Of course as soon as I got home I sent him an e-mail reassuring him that it was the cutest, most charming, most awkward, and most absolutely real (genuine) thing that had happened to me in a long time, and that I was glad in a way that it happened this way. Oddly, awkwardness is way more touching to me than picture-perfection.

[blossom]

Originally Posted by FeelTheNoise To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hmmmm. Yes.. Then there's the 'kissing' question too.... I've had this conversation with an intj gf. She's totally against the kissing thing -- says that I should 'make her work for it'. She's INFJ though... I think she's going to be hard for me to 'read'.... She doesn't respond to compliments... I'm extrapolating from that subtle piece of data that she probably doesn't enjoy it when dates are physically forward with her. But, she's INFJ -- maybe if I just sit there, pouting and puckering, she'll intuit my human need and make it a moral cause to do something about it? Right....

I actually took my husband home with me on our first date! Never did that before...

I can't say about her, but I respond to INTJs off intuition. I can usually read them fairly well (INFJs are much harder), and do what I can to make the first date easy on them. I don't know if you drink, but a drink or two is usually a good thing for two introverts on a first date.

The worst thing you can do is analyze/over-think this, which you are already starting to do, and the next worse thing is to ask other INTJs (who will only help you do this!). Relax and let what happens happen. And have a drink or two...but no more.

To clarify: This is an area (relationships) where she should be much better than you. So let her be good at what she does and just show up and be yourself. The most frequent compliment I get from INTJs is that they feel so comfortable around me.

[Blse]

Connection, her being at ease and smooth flowing, engaging and funny conversation. Glad I'm out of the game though, tell you that much
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.

[poetic intj]

You answered your own question, OP. Especially if the first date is coming from a situation where I met online, I just focus on doing the "chemistry check."

I don't get too analytical about it, or go in with an internal checklist or something. "Her shoes don't match her belt...*gasp*". Leave that shit up to the women-folk
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. At least one person on the date should focus on just plain having a good time, and making sure that the chemistry is there.

[llvllatrix]

The two things that matter to me; motivation and intelligence. To have any sort of relationship with someone, I need to be able to play with them. That implies that they want to play and that we're capable of appreciating the play at the same level.

[FeelTheNoise]

Originally Posted by blossom To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The worst thing you can do is analyze/over-think this, which you are already starting to do, and the next worse thing is to ask other INTJs (who will only help you do this!). Relax and let what happens happen. And have a drink or two...but no more. To clarify: This is an area (relationships) where she should be much better than you. So let her be good at what she does and just show up and be yourself. The most frequent compliment I get from INTJs is that they feel so comfortable around me.

I disagree, but only because I know myself and I'm also quite experienced at 38 years old. Analyzing/over thinking is the only way that I do things... just about everything. Obsession is my safety-blanket, so to speak. By putting in the 'thought work', I build my confidence up to the point that I know that I can't 'fail'. It is stressful, but it's the way I do things. Extreme highs come when obsessing/analyzing good things, peril follows when obsessing/analyzing bad things. The trick is to also be meta-aware that this is taking place. I'm ok with it.

INFJ's obsess, overanalyze, and worry a lot too. That is my growing understanding of them.

I've found that several INFJ's that I've now met aren't much good at relationship stuff. They tend to be very much in their shells on intimate issues; very subtle, they are, when not doing the push-pull thing. They require trust before opening up and 'being themselves'. I don't -- I'm a little more fearless like that.

Well, fortunately, I'm not too bad at this relationship stuff. Despite always testing HEAVY on the T, I'm very "F" aware -- I emulate a human being very well when I want to.

Anyhoo -- the date went exceptionally well. She is _really_ good looking. Quite smart. Fun. Date two is at my house tomorrow to watch the BC (we are both into horses, although we come at it from different angles).

There is mutual 'chemistry' between us -- I dissected her enough to make sure
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. Still, no physical content to the relationship yet.

This will be very interesting, from a scientific standpoint... For the first time in my life, sex will likely be unable to dominate my thoughts and subconcious motivation. How's that FeelTheNoise? We all know you're a testosterone laden imp! Well, something is going on with my prostate the last two weeks and it is NOT fun.

On the upside, I did freak out and get a full std checkup -- clean. Maybe I'm just grasping for a silver lining, but most should see how this will work to my advantage.... bwuhahaha!

(...and, no, I'm not going to lie to her and say that she's 'special' and I think we should wait -- although there is some sincerity to that. I'm just not going to be tempted to try to seduce her, and that will let me see more easily what she's about....)