How do you flirt?

**Esefem** · 10-15-2010, 01:49 AM

I'm an INTJ. I know my own preferred method of flirtation, but I've discovered, to an extent, that I cannot understand how a MALE INTJ flirts.

So, gentlemen, how would you say you flirt? Do you find yourself commonly puffing your intelligence feathers and squawking about your superior knowledge? Are you sarcastic to her? Do you buy her flowers? Tell her your deep, dark secrets? Or do you do as I do, and see if the opposite sex is capable of handling your blunt/sarcastic/logical/smarty-pants personality by hitting them about the head with it even harder and more frequently than usual?

If things went wrong because of your behavior (but that would have gone right if you'd handled it differently), where would you say it went overboard? Were you mean to her? Did your expectations overwhelm her and send her running? Did you shut her out and expect her to understand you needed time to yourself? Did you just never follow through and neglected her because you didn't think she'd take you seriously?

I would love to know. Because, although I already know my personality makes me similar to only about 1-4% of the population, I can't help but be attracted to my own personality type. Only problem is, I can't tell when one of my own kind is attempting to flirt with me. As it stands, I have gone through the rigmarole in the beginning: chatting, discussing theories, sharing insights, teasing/debating back-and-forth, constant communication, only to find that, somewhere along the line, the guy becomes overly critical of what I am doing, and I end up feeling shut out completely (e.g., it goes from, "No, I think you're wrong, because..." to "That's a lame opinion, because...").

Is there a method to the INTJ male's madness? Is the sarcasm-gone-awry something to be expected? Or are the INTJ guys I'm meeting just turning out to be jerks?

**ms infp** · 10-15-2010, 02:09 AM

I think you need to tell them they're behaving like jerks, although they may not be jerks. Just because they've met someone who can take and dish out their kind of crap, doesn't give them the right to insult your ideas ("that's a lame idea/opinion"). Tell them; they'll respect it and I'd lay money that you'll see a difference real quick.

IotaNull · 10-15-2010, 02:21 AM


	I cannot understand how a MALE INTJ flirts.

Nor do we. :D

**undertow** · 10-15-2010, 03:12 AM

If I like someone, I either talk to them or ignore them. Flirt? I guess I would stand with my arms crossed while staring down into the ground.

**dogwoodlover** · 10-15-2010, 03:35 AM

I couldn't possibly reveal my flirting secrets, or else I'd be ruined on this board
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I would speculate, though, that if you send a message to these men that you will bust their balls without so much as blinking, they'll probably assume it's safe you handle you in a similar manner. Plus, if they're really INTJs, they probably have no idea you like them and are flirting... they'll think you're just some evil, concept-spouting witch to be battled.

Also, many men are threatened by a woman who can match or surpass their intellectual prowess... so you may be walking into that territory as well.

**BellaBianca** · 10-15-2010, 03:36 AM

When I think of it, one of my acquaintances who tests as INTJ, did all of a sudden turn from a wallflower to someone who listed up a bunch of girls he wanted to bed, and then he went out and "collected" them. Not all of them, but many of them. He was forward and clear about his intentions, he is good looking and somehow it just worked.

Eventually, after some months of enjoying himself, he fell in "love" or in depression over one of the girls who dumped him. Or two of them.

A friend of mine who tests as INTJ, used to sulk about being ignored by girls. It is not true at all, he just don't care to notice most of the girls. Once he met one to his liking he just sort of .... exploded in some grand romantic pursuing ("She likes Star Wars! You....don't know anything bad about her, do you?") He dumped her after a short while, but I never care to listen to his whining again.

**ms infp** · 10-15-2010, 03:45 AM

	Originally Posted by dogwoodlover To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I couldn't possibly reveal my flirting secrets, or else I'd be ruined on this board To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You are of the treat-them-like-shit-and-they'll-be-putty-in-your-hands school of thought, I suspect.
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**Jouk** · 10-15-2010, 03:46 AM

Teasing, heavy use of sarcasm, attempting to displaying my intelligence and wit. Poking at delicate subjects, sometimes a little testy - basically all of the things that would drive a reasonable, sane female away.

Now if I could only figure out why I attract unstable women......

**No sense** · 10-15-2010, 03:54 AM

I'm always polite to any kind of girl, but if I like her it looks like anything from mild teasing to just plain ball-busting... anything from intentional misinterpretation of her words (with an accompanying smile) to seriously debating that she's terribly wrong about something (while we're both drunk and it's much easier to attack a position than it is to defend. I do it because I don't consider it good mannered).
Also, I get physical when drunk (a touch here or there) or while sober if she did the first touch.

**Samoan Corleone** · 10-15-2010, 04:26 AM

I'll ask plenty of questions. If I'm interested in someone, I'll want to know a bit more about them. If I like what I'm getting, I'll start with the jokes, teasing, remarks, and such and engagingly making eye-contact as they speak. I don't usually cross the touch barrier unless they initiate it or unless it's by accident (genuine accident, you pervs) and doesn't lead to me copping a slap to the face and a rape whistle blown into my left ear. Of course, there's the rare occurence where her hand just happens to be a bit closer to mine than it was before.

**dogwoodlover** · 10-15-2010, 04:46 AM

	Originally Posted by ms infp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are of the treat-them-like-shit-and-they'll-be-putty-in-your-hands school of thought, I suspect. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I'd call it the I'm-a-man-and-not-a-doormat school, but that's close enough.

**Zsych** · 10-15-2010, 05:06 AM

Tendency towards sharing ideas and analyzing the other person. Putting your Ni/Te foot forward
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**NewPhoenix** · 10-15-2010, 06:12 AM

If I say anything that invites a response back or I want your opinion on something then I am flirting with you (girls only).
If I say somethng and its more of a statement and no response needed then I'm not really attracted to you. :D

**ElstonGunn** · 10-15-2010, 08:24 AM

	Originally Posted by Esefem To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	So, gentlemen, how would you say you flirt?

Who told you that we do? They may be mistaken, depending on which particular male INTJ you're talking about.

	Originally Posted by BellaBianca To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A friend of mine who tests as INTJ, used to sulk about being ignored by girls. It is not true at all, he just don't care to notice most of the girls.

I got that in spades. I have no idea how many women have flirted with me over the course of my life. It might be two, or it might (in theory) be two thousand. Not a freaking clue. To really grasp something like that, I require unreasonable amounts of precision and clarity, both of which are of course anathema to the concept of flirtation.

**callalilly** · 10-15-2010, 12:29 PM

I'm with "undertow" with that one, flirting is just not my thing. But I am not an intj male.

**Nonsuch** · 10-15-2010, 01:29 PM

Hmm, I would say little inane things to try to get her to laugh or smile, like

'Wow, does your avatar mean that if I'm nice to you, not only can I have some cake I might get some cherry too ?'

But my impression after hanging around this forum is that most INTJ women have no sense for this sort of remark.

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**Ky1986** · 10-15-2010, 01:37 PM

	Originally Posted by Jouk To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Teasing, heavy use of sarcasm, attempting to displaying my intelligence and wit. Poking at delicate subjects, sometimes a little testy - basically all of the things that would drive a reasonable, sane female away. Now if I could only figure out why I attract unstable women......

VERY MUCH THE SAME PROBLEM!!!! ARRGHHH!

I also think that if/when women flirt with me i have no idea. I do agree with the other poster who says we assume they're just being bitchy and spouting off and trying to prove some feminist point. In which case it turns into a battle of wit vs. tonsil hockey.

I don't believe i have a way of flirting, i don't really know how to go about it. I seem to not really have much of a problem getting into bed, but for getting a real relationship seems to be infinately harder. - not that i'm a slut, because i don't typically take women up on the offer of sex. it just is an open invititation, i just could care less. I'd rather have a relationship than sex. But, i need to learn how to flirt first...
Then i'll let you know my answer to the OP.

---------- Post added 10-15-2010 at 03:40 PM ----------

I have this weird complex where i think i should have been born about 60 years ago. I feel more like a man from the 'gentleman' era. Opening doors, wearing suits, knows table manners, how to write a letter and respond to a proper invitation. So, i guess i come off as a snob mostly - even though i'm a farm-boy. so, most of what i normally do could be considered flirting.

**knowprose** · 10-15-2010, 01:52 PM

This entire thread could be seen as INTJ flirtation.
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**skynet** · 10-15-2010, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by BellaBianca
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A friend of mine who tests as INTJ, used to sulk about being ignored by girls. It is not true at all, he just don't care to notice most of the girls. Once he met one to his liking he just sort of .... exploded in some grand romantic pursuing ("She likes Star Wars! You....don't know anything bad about her, do you?") He dumped her after a short while, but I never care to listen to his whining again.

This is very similar to what I have experienced. For a while I completely ignored girls and didn't realize until later that a decent number of them had an interest in me. Now when I find a girl I like, I fall completely in love with her. Even when I'm forced to accept that she doesn't match the image I created, no amount of logic changes anything.

Back on topic, my method of flirting consists of starting discussions about various intellectual topics or areas of interest.

**ms infp** · 10-15-2010, 02:20 PM

	Originally Posted by dogwoodlover To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'd call it the I'm-a-man-and-not-a-doormat school, but that's close enough.

This all reminds me of a guy who stayed at the motel (where I worked up until this morning, yay!). He couldn't let ten words fall out of his mouth that weren't flirty/sarcastic/put-you-down-for-the-sake-of-being-funny. Usually I have no problem with this, except there was too much emphasis on the insult-y aspect to his banter. You know, like after 437 playful insults, you call the girl "Pinky," as in the character from the Pinky and the Brain cartoon, and it's the final straw, you know?

Personally, I like it when a smart guy points it out when I'm being illogical about something but unaware of it. Then it's like
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My advice: If you are playful with her, be careful not to be insulting.

**Mohammad** · 10-15-2010, 02:31 PM

i don't think i ever flirt in the sense of silly jokes, eye contact, posture, etc.

i do show interest in people, though. questions, follow-up questions, cocked head, a bemused perhaps thoughtful look, drawing mutual inferences, all mean that i am interested. that's about as 'flirty' as i get. but i strongly prefer to call it 'interest'.
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**GettingBetter** · 10-15-2010, 02:40 PM

You need to search through some past threads about intj/intj flirting. It's pretty funny.

Basically, they don't.

**dogwoodlover** · 10-15-2010, 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by ms infp
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This all reminds me of a guy who stayed at the motel (where I worked up until this morning, yay!). He couldn't let ten words fall out of his mouth that weren't flirty/sarcastic/put-you-down-for-the-sake-of-being-funny. Usually I have no problem with this, except there was too much emphasis on the insult-y aspect to his banter. You know, like after 437 playful insults, you call the girl "Pinky," as in the character from the Pinky and the Brain cartoon, and it's the final straw, you know?

Personally, I like it when a smart guy points it out when I'm being illogical about something but unaware of it. Then it's like
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My advice: If you are playful with her, be careful not to be insulting.

Haha... I don't really have an "approach" for flirting with women--it's a case-by-case. Some girls need insulting (particularly the rich bitch types), some girls don't call for that at all. It all depends. I just follow whatever kind of a read I get on the girl I'm talking to.

**poetic intj** · 10-15-2010, 05:20 PM

I can only flirt if I am in a one-on-one situation with the woman in question. In a group situation, I think I come across as awkward and often painfully so.

But in a one-on-one situation such as tutoring, or a private piano lesson, or the two of us being the first two people to arrive in the lecture hall (actual locations where I have flirted), I can turn on the charm quite easily. This "charm" mostly takes the form of self-deprecating (attempts at) humor or light, playful teasing with an obvious twinkle in the eye to convey my non-serious intent.

It's a matter of taking advantage of an open window that naturally opens up in the progress of conversation.

Woman: I don't understand half of what you just said there.

Me: And you expect me to understand the other half?

I depend on context, timing, and that drug I slipped into her wine to make the jokes work.

**Quiet Riot** · 10-15-2010, 05:28 PM

What is this flirting thing you speak of?

10-15-2010, 01:49 AM	#1
Esefem New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 7	I'm an INTJ. I know my own preferred method of flirtation, but I've discovered, to an extent, that I cannot understand how a MALE INTJ flirts. So, gentlemen, how would you say you flirt? Do you find yourself commonly puffing your intelligence feathers and squawking about your superior knowledge? Are you sarcastic to her? Do you buy her flowers? Tell her your deep, dark secrets? Or do you do as I do, and see if the opposite sex is capable of handling your blunt/sarcastic/logical/smarty-pants personality by hitting them about the head with it even harder and more frequently than usual? If things went wrong because of your behavior (but that would have gone right if you'd handled it differently), where would you say it went overboard? Were you mean to her? Did your expectations overwhelm her and send her running? Did you shut her out and expect her to understand you needed time to yourself? Did you just never follow through and neglected her because you didn't think she'd take you seriously? I would love to know. Because, although I already know my personality makes me similar to only about 1-4% of the population, I can't help but be attracted to my own personality type. Only problem is, I can't tell when one of my own kind is attempting to flirt with me. As it stands, I have gone through the rigmarole in the beginning: chatting, discussing theories, sharing insights, teasing/debating back-and-forth, constant communication, only to find that, somewhere along the line, the guy becomes overly critical of what I am doing, and I end up feeling shut out completely (e.g., it goes from, "No, I think you're wrong, because..." to "That's a lame opinion, because..."). Is there a method to the INTJ male's madness? Is the sarcasm-gone-awry something to be expected? Or are the INTJ guys I'm meeting just turning out to be jerks?
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10-15-2010, 02:09 AM	#2
ms infp Member [08%] MBTI: INFP Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 337	I think you need to tell them they're behaving like jerks, although they may not be jerks. Just because they've met someone who can take and dish out their kind of crap, doesn't give them the right to insult your ideas ("that's a lame idea/opinion"). Tell them; they'll respect it and I'd lay money that you'll see a difference real quick.
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10-15-2010, 03:12 AM	#4
undertow Member [06%] MBTI: ESFP Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 246	If I like someone, I either talk to them or ignore them. Flirt? I guess I would stand with my arms crossed while staring down into the ground.
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10-15-2010, 03:35 AM	#5
dogwoodlover Member [47%] MBTI: ISTP Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 1,913	I couldn't possibly reveal my flirting secrets, or else I'd be ruined on this board To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I would speculate, though, that if you send a message to these men that you will bust their balls without so much as blinking, they'll probably assume it's safe you handle you in a similar manner. Plus, if they're really INTJs, they probably have no idea you like them and are flirting... they'll think you're just some evil, concept-spouting witch to be battled. Also, many men are threatened by a woman who can match or surpass their intellectual prowess... so you may be walking into that territory as well.
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10-15-2010, 03:36 AM	#6
BellaBianca Veteran Member [66%] MBTI: INTP Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 2,675	When I think of it, one of my acquaintances who tests as INTJ, did all of a sudden turn from a wallflower to someone who listed up a bunch of girls he wanted to bed, and then he went out and "collected" them. Not all of them, but many of them. He was forward and clear about his intentions, he is good looking and somehow it just worked. Eventually, after some months of enjoying himself, he fell in "love" or in depression over one of the girls who dumped him. Or two of them. A friend of mine who tests as INTJ, used to sulk about being ignored by girls. It is not true at all, he just don't care to notice most of the girls. Once he met one to his liking he just sort of .... exploded in some grand romantic pursuing ("She likes Star Wars! You....don't know anything bad about her, do you?") He dumped her after a short while, but I never care to listen to his whining again.
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10-15-2010, 03:46 AM	#8
Jouk New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 48	Teasing, heavy use of sarcasm, attempting to displaying my intelligence and wit. Poking at delicate subjects, sometimes a little testy - basically all of the things that would drive a reasonable, sane female away. Now if I could only figure out why I attract unstable women......
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10-15-2010, 03:54 AM	#9
No sense Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 87	I'm always polite to any kind of girl, but if I like her it looks like anything from mild teasing to just plain ball-busting... anything from intentional misinterpretation of her words (with an accompanying smile) to seriously debating that she's terribly wrong about something (while we're both drunk and it's much easier to attack a position than it is to defend. I do it because I don't consider it good mannered). Also, I get physical when drunk (a touch here or there) or while sober if she did the first touch.
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10-15-2010, 04:26 AM	#10
Samoan Corleone Core Member [151%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 6,078	I'll ask plenty of questions. If I'm interested in someone, I'll want to know a bit more about them. If I like what I'm getting, I'll start with the jokes, teasing, remarks, and such and engagingly making eye-contact as they speak. I don't usually cross the touch barrier unless they initiate it or unless it's by accident (genuine accident, you pervs) and doesn't lead to me copping a slap to the face and a rape whistle blown into my left ear. Of course, there's the rare occurence where her hand just happens to be a bit closer to mine than it was before.
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10-15-2010, 05:06 AM	#12
Zsych Core Member [309%] MBTI: XNTX Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 12,376	Tendency towards sharing ideas and analyzing the other person. Putting your Ni/Te foot forward To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-15-2010, 06:12 AM	#13
NewPhoenix Banned MBTI: XXXX Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 91	If I say anything that invites a response back or I want your opinion on something then I am flirting with you (girls only). If I say somethng and its more of a statement and no response needed then I'm not really attracted to you. :D
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10-15-2010, 12:29 PM	#15
callalilly Member [06%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2009 Posts: 260	I'm with "undertow" with that one, flirting is just not my thing. But I am not an intj male.
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10-15-2010, 01:29 PM	#16
Nonsuch Member [34%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 1,377	Hmm, I would say little inane things to try to get her to laugh or smile, like 'Wow, does your avatar mean that if I'm nice to you, not only can I have some cake I might get some cherry too ?' But my impression after hanging around this forum is that most INTJ women have no sense for this sort of remark. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-15-2010, 01:52 PM	#18
knowprose Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 87	This entire thread could be seen as INTJ flirtation. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-15-2010, 02:31 PM	#21
Mohammad Veteran Member [61%] MBTI: INxJ Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 2,450	i don't think i ever flirt in the sense of silly jokes, eye contact, posture, etc. i do show interest in people, though. questions, follow-up questions, cocked head, a bemused perhaps thoughtful look, drawing mutual inferences, all mean that i am interested. that's about as 'flirty' as i get. but i strongly prefer to call it 'interest'. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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10-15-2010, 02:40 PM	#22
GettingBetter Member [23%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 959	You need to search through some past threads about intj/intj flirting. It's pretty funny. Basically, they don't.
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10-15-2010, 05:20 PM	#24
poetic intj Member [06%] MBTI: INXX Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 242	I can only flirt if I am in a one-on-one situation with the woman in question. In a group situation, I think I come across as awkward and often painfully so. But in a one-on-one situation such as tutoring, or a private piano lesson, or the two of us being the first two people to arrive in the lecture hall (actual locations where I have flirted), I can turn on the charm quite easily. This "charm" mostly takes the form of self-deprecating (attempts at) humor or light, playful teasing with an obvious twinkle in the eye to convey my non-serious intent. It's a matter of taking advantage of an open window that naturally opens up in the progress of conversation. Woman: I don't understand half of what you just said there. Me: And you expect me to understand the other half? I depend on context, timing, and that drug I slipped into her wine to make the jokes work.
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10-15-2010, 05:28 PM	#25
Quiet Riot Member [03%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 147	What is this flirting thing you speak of?
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