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I'm an asshole. None
Old 10-15-2010, 03:08 PM   #26
Anima Mundi
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Indeed, I'm often told I look angry or ready to kill someone even when I don't feel that way. I'm trying to project a more friendly demeanor, but it's hard because it's not in my nature to be upbeat and positive.
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:52 PM   #27
Nonsuch
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You know what, I'll bet a lot of border collies go through the same thing. They are very intense and always need to be doing something or they might develop a behavioral disorder. You can see from their eyes that they are hyper in a very focused way.

Anyway, I suspect other dogs think that border collies are too serious and intense - in fact I know of a case where a guy who owned 8 dogs, one of them being a border collie, could not keep the border collie in the same enclosure as the rest of the dogs because they didn't like him and some would even attempt to attack him. The border collie was the only one who wasn't accepted in this group of dogs - it seems like he was the canine version of an intj.
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:55 PM   #28
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  Originally Posted by OhTheHorror
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...and my mothers says I look like I don't want to be bothered sometimes.

My mother said the same. She was right. Is your mother right?

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Old 10-15-2010, 05:04 PM   #29
rwyatt365
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I often get asked by my grandkids, "Why are you so mad all the time?" I have to patiently explain that everyone does not walk around with a (foolish) gri on their face all of the time. That qualifies me as an asshole to my step-daughter.
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:23 PM   #30
JTG
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I have intentionally cultivated an air of amiability. I really am a nice person, but people definitely think i'm unapproachable/intimidating/a jerk if i walk around with my normal face on
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I mostly do it because it makes life easier if people think they can relate to you
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:42 PM   #31
knowprose
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  Originally Posted by JTG
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I mostly do it because it makes life easier if people think they can relate to you

Yeah, I used to do something similar. But then it made life more difficult when people *thought* they could relate to me. I suppose there's a balance to be struck.

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Old 10-15-2010, 07:51 PM   #32
JTG
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Yeah, balance is key in most matters. Or, you could just embrace the inner asshole... like
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Old 10-15-2010, 08:48 PM   #33
flix
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I've realised that I was acting quite often. Usually I don't care for the feelings of others but sometimes I pretend that I do. Maybe it's just being polite and we've to do it.

But the more I become self-aware and self-confident I stop this and don't care what people think about me.
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Old 10-15-2010, 09:05 PM   #34
someuser
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basically if you think logically often, people think you're an a-hole.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:33 PM   #35
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Yes, I had a good friend of mine say, "Do you realize how many times I've tried to convince other people that you're not a dick? And for what?"

I thought, "That's why they would never get the hint when I tried to get them to go away."

Honestly, though, I typically do express sympathy for those near me. It's just that not many people are near me. People either think I'm a complete jerk or one of the nicest guys alive.

There's only been one person that I tried to push away who wouldn't listen: my ESFJ roommate. He fancies himself an N, but he's definitely not. He also thinks he's very good at reading people, but he's absolutely clueless. When he didn't get the hint that I wanted him to go away (he just kept reaching out to me more), I decided to take a different approach. I'm now training him to recognize that I'm working on something and don't want to be bothered (he's now up to a 70% success ratio after 1 minute of failed conversation attempts).

You could embrace the inner asshole and use it to push the annoying people away, and you can also use your logical abilities to express concern for people, though this can be hard, especially when your friend's brother commits suicide and you are trying to think of things you "should" say.

Like what was said before, people think you're an asshole when you think logically.
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Old 10-16-2010, 11:36 PM   #36
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You sound like my kind of guy. Be yourself. Forget about the approval of others; it will never be yours
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Old 10-17-2010, 12:17 AM   #37
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I get this a lot. Most of the time I couldn't care less what people think, so I make no effort to seem more approachable or amenable. The main reason being that I would rather be left alone and don't want to encourage unwanted and unnecessary interactions.

However, there are times when it is necessary to "play nice." When it is advantageous, it is good to have a nice easy smile at the ready. This takes a lot of practice, because you want it to come off as natural and not fake or forced. It is also good to add volume and energy to your voice - like dogs most people get excited if your speak in a loud energetic voice. It is also a good idea to ask people how they are doing. I know you don't care, but people seem to like it. You don't even need to listen to their response. Just say it. People like to talk about themselves - it makes them feel important.

It should be noted that the above techniques only work in limited superficial interactions. Excellent for business and networking...but not good for any sort of significant interpersonal interactions. Those people will either have to accept you as you are, or not. Sometimes people have deluded themselves into thinking I am warm and soft on the inside, and that my Vulcan demeanor is but a facade. But people love to anthropomorphize.
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Old 10-17-2010, 12:43 AM   #38
Moya Anomalous
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Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

In all respects, don't feel bad. INTJ personality types tend to have a hard time conversing.
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Old 10-18-2010, 12:27 AM   #39
Farthingale
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Most people ask me what's wrong, because I suppose I look depressed. They don't believe me when I say that I'm deep in thought. Perhaps thinking that I'm upset correlates with the fact that I work a shitty retail job right now. While the assumption is perfectly valid and a bit true, it really is because I'm thinking. Standing for 5+ hours a day at a customer service desk answering stupid questions is certainly reason enough to look upset, however you must realize that it's 5+ hours that I spend on a completely different planet. What other expression would you expect on the face of a person on total autopilot? Smiles aren't automatic.
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Old 10-18-2010, 02:18 AM   #40
mhm
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Meh. Happens all the time and I don't give a shit, mostly. But I've learnt to modify my verbal and non verbal language for the times when I think it *will* matter. That meant learning NLP, which pretty clearly Swanee has done as well - it's very cool.
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Old 10-18-2010, 02:59 AM   #41
papkan
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This topic reminds me of something I read somewhere, can't remember where. 'Don't care what other people think, they don't do it very often anyway.'
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Old 10-18-2010, 10:28 AM   #42
Rendo
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  Originally Posted by cfmike
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So I have this problem - I come across as an asshole, even if that isn't my intent.

Some of the things I am told on a regular basis include:

Lighten up!
Why are you so serious?
What's the matter?
Why are you pissed off?

The issue is that this isn't how I'm feeling at all. My normal, relaxed position apparently looks "intense", and my common interactions (paying for something at the grocery store, getting a haircut) lack any sort of emotion whatsoever (I have a very hard time pretending to care about stranger's day-to-day issues)

Anybody else get told similar things? How do you make yourself appear more relaxed and carefree (even if that is what you feel on the inside anyway?)

Sounds a lot like me, except I am an asshole.
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There are times when I'm in a really good/goofy mood where I'll be a dink, loud, cause scenes to embarass my wife in public, but most of the time I have a very stoic expression. I force smiles if I feel the situation calls for it, but as soon as I can stop smiling, instant stoic expression again. HAAAATE small talk with strangers trying to be friendly. Most uncomfortable thing EVER.

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Old 10-18-2010, 12:47 PM   #43
panzom
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It took awhile for me to find out that I come off as an asshole, it took someone that is now a good friend to tell me about it. After I was around her for like a year she said she found that I was not and really an asshole and enjoyed being around me, but for a long time she just thought I hated her and was very nervous when I was around. So then I asked a few other friends and they said basically the same thing. I guess just knowing that this is how others see me I'm able to try and change it but that does not seem to do much. So sorry I don't have much advice to help you but at least you know it's very common for our type. It does suck because I'm sure there are a lot of people that I would have enjoyed knowing but it never happened because I seemed so uninviting, but such is life.
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:54 PM   #44
karenann33
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  Originally Posted by SOFTero
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Honestly, though, I typically do express sympathy for those near me. It's just that not many people are near me. People either think I'm a complete jerk or one of the nicest guys alive.

There's only been one person that I tried to push away who wouldn't listen: my ESFJ roommate. He fancies himself an N, but he's definitely not. He also thinks he's very good at reading people, but he's absolutely clueless. When he didn't get the hint that I wanted him to go away (he just kept reaching out to me more), I decided to take a different approach. I'm now training him to recognize that I'm working on something and don't want to be bothered (he's now up to a 70% success ratio after 1 minute of failed conversation attempts).

I've been told I'm very intimidating and scary until you get to know me. I hear "you aren't mean at all". Really? Hmmmm never thought of me as scary and mean but ok.

This story made me laugh. I've got an extroverted friend that keeps reaching out to me and I'm thinking you have no idea how little I really care. I'd like to care I would but it's just not there and I'm tired of pretending that it is.

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Old 10-18-2010, 05:02 PM   #45
Melkor
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Er...yes, unless I'm drunk or with people I trust a lot and hyper, I'm a bit of a sombre loner.

I wouldn't say I was an asshole, just, maybe a bit ignorant and defensive?
So basically a quiet asshole.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:07 PM   #46
SaturnEternity
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All the time! With personal variations of course.

I would tend to get and still get these:
- "What the hell is wrong with you?"
-"You need to calm the hell down."
-"Stop, breath and count to ten."

And of course my personal favorite.
- "That's really mean!"

To which I always just reply either a simple No! or plea to leave me alone.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:34 AM   #47
Jessamein
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"What is wrong with you?"
"Smile, smile!"
"Are you mad at me?"
"Why are you so grumpy?"
"You emo freak!" (I think this pisses me of the most. I've come to see emos as a bunch of loser-ish kids who whines whole day over their nonexistent misery.)

I get that often too...so I guess it's pretty normal. Well, my view would be perhaps you could pretend to smile, to pacify those people. I have been called "arrogant" by many people, which is sad, because I am not arrogant! Unless, of course, the person who's conversing with me is a superficial illogical prick who's bent upon pushing whatever he thinks is right to me. I'm just aloof.

So yeah, if you're an asshole, I am one too.

But since I am not one, you're definitely not one either. (Based on your post).
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Old 10-19-2010, 05:26 AM   #48
Najiy
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I seem to get this quite often on my job. I am a salesman and I am constantly around all sorts of people. I have been a salesman for about 3 years now, so I am very use to interacting with people. Now, do I like it? NO! not at all, it was and still is a headache for me most days, but after 3 years of this, I have gained the ability to know what most customers (or people in general) react to based on my movements,facial expressions,and tone of voice. Basically what I am saying is that I can be a great salesman when i feel like it and when i don't want to be bothered, I can almost make myself unapproachable to most people. But anyway, I have been approached by almost all of my associates, and I have had the same questions asked and statements made such as: (this is the one I hate THE MOST!) "Are you ok?" "You look depressed/Angry/like you wanna kill somebody"(that one usually makes me laugh,chuckle,smirk/grin)

There is a woman that I work with(an Extrovert) she is totally immature and LOUD and requires WAY too much attention. She is constantly talking just to hear herself talk. She always says that I am mean, an asshole, and I treat her like crap.(I do not take offense to her comments at all because she has no value to me whatsoever.) Not to mention she is a complete idiot with terrible communication and people skills. Recently,I walked into work and clocked in(my usual routine) and in front of the other co-workers she said "how come you didn't say Hello to me"(like its my job to greet her everyday that i walk in) I told her to her face in a sarcastic tone of voice "Because you make me miserable" I gave her a pat on the back and a fake smile then carried on with my day.

I have heard the complete opposite from a few customers however, They always seem to thank me, and tell me that I offer outstanding customer service and "I haven't had customer service like this in a long time"---(usually from the older crowd)

Also anyone who REALLY knows me would never describe me as "MEAN" or an "Asshole"

My INTJ female Manager, whom I get along with very well, always describes me as "a smart, interesting or nice guy"

So yea I guess I am an asshole to people that I do not value.

But I am nice to those who show me that they are worth my time.
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:34 AM   #49
fonmaneal
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On my card I have.
MY NAME
Poet, Hero, Know it all, Villian,
Smart ass, Dumb ass, and all around
ASS HOLE
my number


Could I be more clear than that?
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:52 PM   #50
Lurch
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  Originally Posted by Nonsuch
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You know what, I'll bet a lot of border collies go through the same thing. They are very intense and always need to be doing something or they might develop a behavioral disorder. You can see from their eyes that they are hyper in a very focused way.
..........................

YES! This is the exact same analogy I draw as well!

If you're a dog person, check out some of the books by the author Jon Katz, specifically the parts about his boarder collie named Rose. She's featured a bit in "A Good Dog" (which is actually about another boarder collie), and "Soul of a Dog" (which is an interesting philosophical read, if you're into that). "Dog Days" is kind of a miscellaneous collection which also has some Rose stories.

Anyway, reading about this border collie Rose, I kept thinking "dang I can relate to her better than to most humans!" She's obsessed with work, typically doesn't care at all about being cuddled, hugged, or petted, and doesn't really play with the other dogs. Sound familiar?!
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She's definitely an INTJ dog.

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