[Muse]

My current interest has made me realize that although i have dated many woman with
'insecurity issues' i have never found a way of dealing with them and their issues aside from either reassurance, or ignoring it. The problem: With some woman reassurance just doesn't work, and ignoring usually isn't good either from what i have noticed.

I understand what its like to feel insecure about something, i'm sure most people do. But i have enough self esteem to power an entire city most of the time, so its something i really don't feel often. (plus im male INTJ)

And the type of insecurity i'm referring to is the "Even though you say i'm Blank i still worry that you think Blank, despite anything that you say because my Blank (Family/Friends/Ex-boyfriend/Pet giraffe) said Blank to me all the time" Tier.

So i suppose i intend for this topic to be about female insecurity; understanding it and dealing with it from a SO's point of view. Or don't deal with it? Lets discuss
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[alphawolf]

"Even though you say i'm not fat i still worry that you think i'm fat, despite anything that you say because my Ex-husband told me I was fat all the time."


In my experience, this usually comes from women who don't have a single ounce of fat on their entire body.

ironically, the ones who really are fat think that they are normal!

[karenann33]

Speaking from a woman who has struggled with insecurities in the past (I've learned to deal with them now) it is a bottom less pit if you try to fill it. So on the weight for example if a woman thinks she is fat nothing you will say will convince her otherwise. How my husband deals with me is he flat out says "I'm not your father, family, ex-boyfriend and whatever crap they said isn't true I think you are (fill in the blank with whatever insecurity I was having at the moment).

Then and here is the beauty of it. He shut up. Oh he'd talk about it for oh 30 seconds then he would be all "I told you how I felt now either you trust me or not but I'm done with this subject" (in a nice way of course).

He refused to give my insecurities attention and I think that was brilliant because it stopped me from talking about them nonstop and therefore I quit doing it (no payoff).

[Iria]

It can be an act of futility to change a delusional person's perception, especially when it is about themselves. I don't think there is much more you can than what you've mentioned (reassurance, then letting it go). I think there needs to be change from within them, which typically will not be brought on from a single person trying to help or event.

---------- Post added 10-10-2010 at 07:26 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by karenann33 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He refused to give my insecurities attention and I think that was brilliant because it stopped me from talking about them nonstop and therefore I quit doing it (no payoff).

I think this is great advice, if any, to dealing with it. If you keep discussing the insecurity of the person, you are just feeding it. If there is no actual problem, then there is no more reason to discuss it after all.

[Talita]

	Originally Posted by Iria To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think this is great advice, if any, to dealing with it. If you keep discussing the insecurity of the person, you are just feeding it. If there is no actual problem, then there is no more reason to discuss it after all.

Indeed. Some people are not really able to understand the way we deal with words: we mean what we say. It could be a good idea to show that you care with simple actions, those only you know she'd understand.

[stock]

	Originally Posted by Talita To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Indeed. Some people are not really able to understand the way we deal with words: we mean what we say. It could be a good idea to show that you care with simple actions, those only you know she'd understand.

Emphasize the above 100 times over. On one hand, at least they are trying to be honest about their concerns, albeit it is annoying. Emphasize that you really AREN'T like the other guys. That whatever say is what you mean-even if it sounds harsh or critical sometimes.

If she continues to question you, explain that if feels like she does not trust you. Tell her she can trust you and you will not lie to her.

[IcNjThJ]

I agree more with karenann. Your SO just wants attention I think. Deflect it away from yourself.

[emw1981]

many times it is for attention. many times its a cry for help that shes worried about something and her needs arent being fulfilled. which is why this is a tricky slippery slope. (if its attention seeking)-then yes, deflect the attention away from it and yourself, tell her to shut-up, be silly about whatever "it" is, be the logical strong one who can in a soft, yet commanding way be the strength she feels in her weakness(not THE weakness itself). this also opens the door for her to trust you more and feel protected thru your logic and humor. (if its the cry for help/needs)-get to the root of the actual issue-and then follow the above. this builds trust, again, a safe environment to be open and vulnerable, the ability to laugh and connect over it. this is what i would want out of my guy. EVERYONE has insecurities. if someone can spell out their insecurities to a rehearsed T, run the other direction. this isnt self-awareness, this is an excuse to not change. people who are self aware are willing to confront their issues and WORK on them which means there is never anything concrete & no rehearsed answers. personal growth comes with vulnerability, so with that, a SO should be there during those vulnerable times. yet, some women are good at pretending they are trying to grow to impress their man by using something kathy lee or oprah said-yet not doing anything about it rather than utilizing the "excuse" as a reason to not do anything about it. use your NT-then your J to analyze these women to determine what their motives are.

[Zsych]

Say you're INTJ, most people can't read you effectively so asking someone with less experience about you is meaningless (I've wanted to say that a few times myself when some idiots asked even bigger idiots for advice in how to understand me).

That said, their assessments may not be completely wrong. We do give off emotional signals that may be reflective of how we feel inside... without us fully understanding or accepting those feelings because our logic is thinking something different.

[storm eyes]

If a woman asks you if she looks fat tell her "yeah". She won't ask you again. Seriously she will get her ass to the gym/McDonalds so fast she won't have time to be insecure. If it seems like a dumb question she is asking....... then tell her straight.

[plotthickens]

I was verbally and physically abused for most of my childhood. Ignoring or confirming 'stupid questions' to make the insecure shut the hell up is not helpful. Fear is not something to be ignored or silenced; that will increase its potency. Insecurity is inherant to the human condition and is not confined to one gender or another -- men worry about their penis size or ability in bed or any seven of ninety-million other things.

Kindness, patience, and an occasional 'reality check' helps calm fears, and may eventually dismiss them. The best cure is usually finding one's area of expertise and indulging in it; until that happens and is integrated into the personality, be kind, patient, and stop flights of fear gently when/if they occur.

[Still Standing]

	Originally Posted by Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	My current interest has made me realize that although i have dated many woman with 'insecurity issues' i have never found a way of dealing with them and their issues aside from either reassurance, or ignoring it.

Just curious, how do you feel about strong, confident women? Do you have any idea what it is you say or do that attracts these insecure women to you? You must be giving off a vibe or something.

[emw1981]

its been my experience that the men i want to like me would rather be with an insecure needy girl than a more confident one. i come off confident and independent-but i'm just like pretty much every other girl out there (and guy for that matter) who wants to be needed, wanted, desired, listened to and loved. so as for him perhaps attracting insecure ladies-odds are subconciously he is. i think men enjoy "fixing", then the ego boost of thinking they fixed something or created the woman to love him more thru loyalty to fix or "deal" and accept them for their flaws. its subconciously abusive. women do it too. we all want someone "weaker" than ourselves. (subconciously speaking)

[storm eyes]

Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I was verbally and physically abused for most of my childhood. Ignoring or confirming 'stupid questions' to make the insecure shut the hell up is not helpful. Fear is not something to be ignored or silenced; that will increase its potency. Insecurity is inherant to the human condition and is not confined to one gender or another -- men worry about their penis size or ability in bed or any seven of ninety-million other things. Kindness, patience, and an occasional 'reality check' helps calm fears, and may eventually dismiss them. The best cure is usually finding one's area of expertise and indulging in it; until that happens and is integrated into the personality, be kind, patient, and stop flights of fear gently when/if they occur.

You are right in many ways. I am more harsh because life is harsh. I am not that insecure personally but I am not completely oblivious. Whilst I would be supportive of an insecure friend I could not show the same standard to an insecure partner, unless they brought about the winds of change. I have Dyslexia and Dysgraphia and yeah, sometimes, I feel insecure about that. Being INTJ and not being able to spell or punctuate outside of my brain, at the drop of a hat is torture! So I work on it constantly. Sometimes too much nurturing can stop a person from standing on thier own two feet. Some women just do it for attention also. A harsh reality check should give an INTJ man the ability to spot the difference don't you think?

[difromoz]

Let’s face it; everyone experiences feeling insecure at some point during their lives and hopefully most people can resolve their issues without too much assistance from an SO.

Typically female SOs and loved ones that constantly berate you with issues like those mentioned may be attention seekers (eek) or genuinely suffer from low self-esteem which may require simply a little TLC or some serious professional therapy, or even both! For many women though, validation is what they really seek / need.

I would be looking at what energy you are putting out into the universe though, as there may in fact be a pattern if you keep attracting these women with insecurity issues. Or maybe these gals are ENFPs like me! That’s another whole ball game!
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[Facepalm]

Say this verbatim to her.

"I told you what I think, if you don't believe me I don’t care and I am not putting anymore effort into this, if you still feel sad go eat some chocolate and leave me the F*** alone you insecure piece of ***T"

If she leaves then she wasn't worth having =) do you really want to deal this this your whole relationship with someone?


This is nothing you can fix. Only they can fix it for themselves.

[plotthickens]

	Originally Posted by storm eyes To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A harsh reality check should give an INTJ man the ability to spot the difference don't you think?

Fear is irrational. Reality checks are rational. They frequently do not work with insecurities.

Harshness may be part of life, but if you think that's an excuse to play mean with your partner, you're asking for a world of hurt and massive amounts of bad karma.

[mindstate]

	Originally Posted by Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	And the type of insecurity i'm referring to is the "Even though you say i'm Blank i still worry that you think Blank, despite anything that you say because my Blank (Family/Friends/Ex-boyfriend/Pet giraffe) said Blank to me all the time" Tier.

Her: "I'm so fat."
You: "If you don't like something about yourself, you can change it."

Be loving, but be firm. Preach personal responsibility to people with insecurity.

[alphawolf]

Originally Posted by emw1981 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

its been my experience that the men i want to like me would rather be with an insecure needy girl than a more confident one. i come off confident and independent-but i'm just like pretty much every other girl out there (and guy for that matter) who wants to be needed, wanted, desired, listened to and loved. so as for him perhaps attracting insecure ladies-odds are subconciously he is. i think men enjoy "fixing", then the ego boost of thinking they fixed something or created the woman to love him more thru loyalty to fix or "deal" and accept them for their flaws. its subconciously abusive. women do it too. we all want someone "weaker" than ourselves. (subconciously speaking)

Neediness and insecurity aggravate me more than anything else. I love confident, and somewhat independent women (however, the goal is for interdependence).

However...

There is a big difference between being confident and independent, and being egotistic and feministic. If you can understand this without further explanation or debate, you know, if it just flips on the light bulb in your brain, then you'd be just my kind.

[Breadpazoid]

Originally Posted by Facepalm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Say this verbatim to her. "I told you what I think, if you don't believe me I don’t care and I am not putting anymore effort into this, if you still feel sad go eat some chocolate and leave me the F*** alone you insecure piece of ***T" If she leaves then she wasn't worth having =) do you really want to deal this this your whole relationship with someone? This is nothing you can fix. Only they can fix it for themselves.

If she leaves then she wasn't worth having? If she doesn't leave, she's either a saint or cripplingly co-dependent. If any partner ever said this to me, I would leave. Immediately.

[alphawolf]

	Originally Posted by Breadpazoid To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If she leaves then she wasn't worth having? If she doesn't leave, she's either a saint or cripplingly co-dependent. If any partner ever said this to me, I would leave. Immediately.

Co-narcissistic is the term you're looking for...

[LifesEcstasy]

It's the individual's responsibility to deal with their own insecurities. If they require another person to compensate for their insecurities then I'm afraid said insecurity will be a lifetime, chronic habit. You cannot ever say, reassure or do enough things to make someone else's insecurity go away. Best thing to do? Tell that person they've got stuff to sort out and you'll be more than happy to have a relationship with them when they have gotten a handle on it.

[scotthegeek]

I had one woman that kept on asking do you love me. do you know if you will love me. I kept tell her to just relax and stop asking so many questions. Judge me by my action I call you and I want to spend time with you.

on the first date she took my clothes and hers and I could not stop I did not want to hurt her feeling but we ended up have sex and she said she was sorry for going to fast afterward but the same thing happen next time and so I say I will go out to launch with you but I will not spend any more time alone with you and we never dated after that.

[Kac]

I have insecurities, but there is no way I am going to discuss them with my SO. I am going to look to his actions to see how he feels about my giant (insert part here) or my inability to (insert chore here) on a regular basis. If he is making it worse, I cut him loose. You can't expect to shore them up with words forever, and don't you get tired of them not believing you (by asking again, and again). It eventually becomes a trust issue.

[Nauk]

	Originally Posted by mindstate To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Her: "I'm so fat." You: "If you don't like something about yourself, you can change it." Be loving, but be firm. Preach personal responsibility to people with insecurity.

Hahahaha! You bootstrappers are heartless! If someone gave me a lecture about personal responsibility because I was being insecure about something, I would immediately break up with her and drop her off at a tea party rally. I'd rather her just confirm that my insecurity is true, and that she likes me despite that flaw. That's what a good INTJ SO does. If she couldn't deal with the flaw, then it's curtains for the relationship.

By the way, not everything is changeable!