[pw242]

There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people.

Can anyone offer advice on working on the weaker parts of my personality?

How can I develop extraversion?
How can I become more sensing?
What are feelings and how do I get them?
How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never got that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

[GouldFan]

	Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never go that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

LOL! Sounds like an emotional rant coming from someone who've just been nagged (or called names) by someone to become more rounded. Identify traits you dislike in yourself and make an effort to make improvements on them, a few of them at a time.

[Sforza]

My answer is going to sound rather typical because of the way the question was phrased. Just try and be open to new experiences, even if you don't think that you'll like them. Don't stick to only what you're familiar with, even if you're pretty sure of your own preferences. It seems to be a J thing. Also, try to be more interested in people, even if they're sensors who will sometimes be interested in things that may seem totally inane (because it's simply a different way of thinking).

[karenann33]

For me what works was to first embrace who I am and appreciate that I do bring value to relationships. Secondly I quit trying to be something I'm not. And lastly I've finally come to realize that friends come when you follow a passion or do what you love. If that doesn't work go to places you like to meet them and then get interested in THEM. If you can cultivate that trait you've got this mastered.

BTW: I will never be extraverted, will never be great with feelings and am not the empathetic type. It's just not me. LOL!! But hey I did manage to make friends anyway so it's all good.

[void]

Imbibe. Toke. Meditate. For once in your life, stop the chatter in your skull. It's not easy but you have to keep trying.

[JulietCapulet]

I'm not sure it's so easy to be more sensing...that one is a gift from God. In terms of feelings...maybe rent Eat Drink Man Woman or the Joy Luck Club. But take it from a very high level F...you don't want feelings. Believe me. For the P part...that is another gift from God...or rather, curse. In terms of being more E...you are the way you are for a reason...and that is good. Being E is not necessarily a superior thing...it has it's downs.

[Exodus]

I can only speak from personal experience. I found that if I stopped insiting on believing in my inner construct of how the world should be and, rather, came to terms with the harsh realities of the world that my happiness increased.

A good start would be to question the things that you've held to be 'sacred' up until this point in your life. Sometimes things that are good in theory do little more than serve to hold you back.

[Mikey69]

Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people. Can anyone offer advice on working on the weaker parts of my personality? How can I develop extraversion? How can I become more sensing? What are feelings and how do I get them? How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never got that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

I border on extrovert. It pisses me off that I haven't developed a more intimidating Introversion. I have a few ways to consciously extrovert, but unless I have a use for them it (socializing with mainstream morons) tires me.

Sensing? Sniff glue until you're IQ is 1/4'ed.

Feelings? We have them, we just aren't stupid with them.

Perceiving? Why would you want to be an undecisive fence sitting POS?

[Fox]

Be yourself.

Maybe start sharing some of your thoughts that you keep to yourself. People around you will either give you dirty looks and clear away or they might find you interesting because of it. I found that is good way to make a couple of friends. You might gain more friends by changing who you are and saying all the right steps but it won't always feel right living a lie.

[larrysb]

Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people. Can anyone offer advice on working on the weaker parts of my personality? How can I develop extraversion? How can I become more sensing? What are feelings and how do I get them? How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never got that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

You have made the first step, acknowledging the desire to grow.

Jungian psychology is built on the principle of counterbalance. If the ego is INTJ, then the unconscious is carrying the unexpressed traits. Probably everything you need is within, just waiting to be raised to the conscious, developed and integrated into the whole self.

There appears to be a LOT of misconception in this thread about the various subtypes.

I or E has not a lot to do with how shy or outgoing one is, it has to do with where one develops his energy. I's need precious alone time. They have to get psyched up to deal with people. E's need community time, they have to get psyched up to deal with alone time. One can be an outgoing Introvert, or a timid Extravert.

The same with iNtuition or Sensing. I can see and hear and smell and touch, but my take on the world comes from processing the information, interpreting and formulating what it seems to be. The Sensor takes the world in from what he can directly sense. Upon meeting the same woman, the iNtuitive may think, "She seems motherly and positive" where the Sensor may think, "She's fat and her clothes don't match."

Thinking and Feeling are how we arrive at decisions. The Thinker will pick the car model and features and budget for buying it. The Feeler picks the color and the style first and foremost. The thinker may be stymied when offered the exact car he's looking for in his choice of 2 shades of red on the lot. The Feeler is probably going to be lost figuring out what features and budget he has for the car. At some point, all of us cross over into the other realm to make decisions. I can whittle my way down a list of requirements and pick the car I want to buy, but at some point, either color of red is fine, just whichever feels best gets picked.

Judging or Perceiving have to do with how we deal with the outside world. Do we like order, planned and regular structure, or do we prefer to hang loose, improvise and change with the wind?

Whatever the type tests show tend to be your baseline preferences. The ability to do the other is present and latent. It simply is a matter of preference or inclination. Doing the other requires conscience effort. I prefer to sleep in late every day, but I make a conscious effort to arrive at work on time.

Developing the counter balance to our natural preference is a matter of choice and embracing the effort to understand oneself enough to undertake the development of other side. The INTJ would not somehow become an ESFP, but simply become a more whole and balanced human being.

It is a life-long process of self-understanding, making conscious choices and putting the effort into personal growth and development.

[Dru]

the easiest way, in my opinion, is to maintain an open mind and interact with people of all types from all walks of life. you can study and research all you want, but that will only do so much for you.

i would recommend that first you acquaint yourself and become knowledgeable about all the functions so that you have a decent understanding of what they look like in action, and then move on to actually interacting with people. look for what functions they use and observe how they use them. just as monkeys and children do when they're learning something, try to mimic what you observe. not merely the actions, but the behavior. eventually you should know enough about how the functions are actually used to be able to start using them yourself, and gradually learn enough from that process to be able to say that you're "developing" those functions.

[Dasein]

Remember, no matter what side you see it's just one side. As far as social interactions go, Observe. Mirror. Engage.

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people.

Charming a room isn't really about introversion or extraversion. I've found that as I become more and more relaxed and at ease with myself, charisma follows automatically. Just take things less seriously and people will feel comfortable around you.

	Originally Posted by Dasein To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	As far as social interactions go, Observe. Mirror. Engage.

Well, to be fair, a little bit of this is probably also involved. It's a matter of navigation, I think. If I'm in a room of cats and my two options are to produce cat nip or a dog, having no personal preference, it's pretty obvious I should go with the former.

[elizabeth lover]

	Originally Posted by void To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Imbibe. Toke. Meditate. For once in your life, stop the chatter in your skull. It's not easy but you have to keep trying.

my thoughts exactly.

[millifly]

Extroversion: build up your immunity to people. Start by going to social events 1-2 times a week. Then increase to 5-7 times a week, and then finally settle somewhere in between.

Sensing: practice mindfulness. When you eat, use all of the your senses, don't eat in front of the TV or the computer or even talking to anyone else. When you drive, drive like your whole life depended on it. When you talk to others, listen like they are the only person in the world. Go for a walk and remember to feel the sunshine on you, the smell, the sound the nature. Look at where you are going!

Feeling: play a little game with yourself--when you see someone, ask yourself what they might be feeling. Why? If they look sad, what could be responsible for it? Then actually ask them how they are feeling and ask further questions. Be genuine and really mean it when you ask people how they are. If you being to feel fed up with people and their crap, don't shut down and tune them out, dive further into their reality.

Perceiving: it might sound strange, but once I started to really slow down my movements, my brain eased up more and I could see a lot of things that I usually miss. Mentally and emotionally, answer most everything in life with a "yes." Shake up your daily routine a bit, cook a recipe you've never cooked before, say hi to people you usually don't talk to.

[larrysb]

	Originally Posted by millifly To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Extroversion: build up your immunity to people. Start by going to social events 1-2 times a week. Then increase to 5-7 times a week, and then finally settle somewhere in between.

Don't look at it as "immunity". Work on developing a sense of connection and actually let yourself enjoy interacting with people.

Sensing: practice mindfulness. When you eat, use all of the your senses, don't eat in front of the TV or the computer or even talking to anyone else. When you drive, drive like your whole life depended on it. When you talk to others, listen like they are the only person in the world. Go for a walk and remember to feel the sunshine on you, the smell, the sound the nature. Look at where you are going!

Excellent.

Feeling: play a little game with yourself--when you see someone, ask yourself what they might be feeling. Why? If they look sad, what could be responsible for it? Then actually ask them how they are feeling and ask further questions. Be genuine and really mean it when you ask people how they are. If you being to feel fed up with people and their crap, don't shut down and tune them out, dive further into their reality.

I'm going have a difference of opinion here. Do NOT focus externally on other people's opinions.

Work on touching your own, internal feelings. In my car analogy for example, let's say you like Porsches or maybe a Prius is your choice, whatever. Visit a new car sales lot and just walk among your preferred model. They will probably offer it in a multitude of colors and trim. Just let yourself connect with whichever draws you in. Or ice cream flavors, or cheese or your favorite author. The point is, connect with how you feel internally about things around you.

	Perceiving: it might sound strange, but once I started to really slow down my movements, my brain eased up more and I could see a lot of things that I usually miss. Mentally and emotionally, answer most everything in life with a "yes." Shake up your daily routine a bit, cook a recipe you've never cooked before, say hi to people you usually don't talk to.

I think you are on to it here. J's like an orderly external life. P's go with the flow. Get up on a saturday morning, shower and leave the house without a plan. Go where the wind takes you and do things in an order you never do them.

Foreign travel can be a great experience. Don't plan your day out. Don't buy a map. Just wander the streets or country side where you can't read the signs or speak the language. I did this in Greece. Got off a cruise ship with cabin fever, rented a scooter and just rode all over the place in a rural area. Had no idea where I was going, how to read the signs, couldn't speak the language and most of the people couldn't speak english.

[mindstate]

Usually, it's helpful to do squats, hip extensions, and lunges.

[Bonamona]

Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people. Can anyone offer advice on working on the weaker parts of my personality? How can I develop extraversion? How can I become more sensing? What are feelings and how do I get them? How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never got that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

I'm an INFP, I don't know if my perspective will be useful to you.

I would most likely tell you that to know your feelings, you have to allow yourself to ''feel'' first even if it means picking up at subtle signs in your life and finding out what they mean to you. Don't go overboard and go crazy though, lol (I always try not to)

Sometimes overthinking can be the enemy to true feelings. People have been known to over think what might go wrong, what might be wrong to the point that they have managed to talk themselves out of facing their true feelings, the depth of emotions. I have already accepted in spite of my idealism that the world just cannot estimate emotional language and importance enough, and it's okay. It's just human nature, it's just reality.

How can you be a less judgmental asshole? What makes you think you are?

Just be more compassionate, I guess. Try to balance the bad you see in others with good? Remind yourself that you might never know about the good intentions or pain someone hides in his/her heart? Remember people can be such good social actors that there will be times you just have to rely on intuition and heart.

But then again, I don't know you well enough to know if my advice works so nyeh *shrugs*

[pw242]

Thanks for the helpful advice. There are several suggestions for concrete things I can go and do. I laughed at the leaving without a plan idea. Last holiday I did independently, I worked out what I would be doing every single hour of the day for two weeks, had everything booked up in advance, and printed out a detailed timetable to take with me.
As larrysb said, I'm trying to grow my personality toolkit. I've got plenty of friends and so on already. But I'm aware there are lots of things I'm no good at and need to improve, or situations I feel uncomfortable in where I could try to learn to be more at ease.

[Ben1220]

Something that I have thought about recently that might be relevant:

I became a lot more extroverted and social when I started seeing it as a skill or a game. Previously I would have thought "These people are boring, why would I want to talk to them when I can play video games instead ect..." But if you view having the ability to make people feel happy in your company ect as skills that one can get better at, and improves ones life, then you will get a lot more enjoyment out of socializing, the same kind of enjoyment you get out of getting better at a game, or at a musical instrument or an academic area. It's basically like I'm just playing an rpg game and increasing my skill level in something. Treat it like a game of strategy and my INTJ mind will lap it up.

The other perspective I often take is that of a social experimenter, I try things out with various different people and gauge their responses, I try to figure out cause and effect, ect. Being more social can be far more fun for an INTJ if you treat social interactions as just another system to learn about, or maybe even a game. And every now and then you'll even get into a conversation that's interesting in its own right. :P

[Haildancer]

Being an introvert does not mean that you have no extroverted tendencies. It's a continuum.

What I can't understand is this aversion for all things introverted. Why is introversion considered bad? I don't want to exhibit extroverted tendencies all the time...I'd become annoyed with myself!

Might I suggest a
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Very enjoyable (when I began reading it I felt as if I had written this book for myself).

[OrangeAppled]

I'd suggest starting with your tertiary function, introverted feeling. Value judgments motivate beyond measurable external standards and achievements - they focus on fundamental ideals and underlying meaning. When you determine core values & connect things back to them, people & experiences & even objects can be important in themselves, not just a means to an end. Things take on a level of symbolism that moves you on an unconscious level.

You'll probably access your Se (extroverted sensing) better if you have stronger Fi. Se is pretty much what you'd need to develop "P" traits, which generally means extroverted perceiving (Se or Ne). The experience of the moment may rise in importance to you as you determine value in it, instead of being future-focused all the time and needing to be planned ahead & what not. Oddly enough, Se will mean putting aside the symbolic value of it and seeing something exactly for what it is and how your senses absorb it in that specific context.

To develop your Fi, introspect on what is important to you. Think in terms of value and significance, not simply what makes sense in the external world. It's not about end result, but what is important on principle to you.

Then, once you have some clarity on what is important to you, think about why it is important to you. In Gifts Differing, it says that intuition is a big key in aiding a Fi-dom to express their feeling. Well, you have an advantage over, say, an ISTJ, in that you're Ni-dom. You can intuit the meaning of these value judgments, so that a concept of what is it to feel as a human emerges. Now the feelings go beyond yourself, so that you can relate to other people's feelings, whether or not you feel the same or have experienced what they've experienced. That's when you begin to empathize, and that will lead to acting on empathy, which is often expressed as compassion and kindness. This basically comes across as "nice" & "caring" to others.

It's important to remember that the feeling functions are rational; they reason to make judgments - they are NOT emotion. Emotions are physiological signals that feeling will utilize, but the feeling functions have to evaluate what these signals mean, and they can choose to dismiss an emotional reaction. Whenever you do have an emotional response, pay close attention to it. Try and discern what it is telling you. Its message is important - just like the feeling of hunger alerts you to a basic need to eat, emotions alert you to what is important to you. When you analyze an emotion, you may discover that something is important to you, and then that will lead to understanding why it is important, and you'll form personal values and even larger, basic concepts of what is important to people in a universal sort of way. It's kind of like: become good at understanding yourself, and you can be better equipped to understand others.

[titi monkey]

Wow. This is all such good advice it should be a sticky.

[sunlover]

Originally Posted by pw242 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

There is a lot that is good about being an INTJ, but there is a lot that is bad as well. I admire people who can effortlessly charm a room and make new friends. I wish I could find pleasure in the froth and ephemera that seems to enchant most people. Can anyone offer advice on working on the weaker parts of my personality? How can I develop extraversion? How can I become more sensing? What are feelings and how do I get them? How do I become more of a pussy, or whatever P means - I never got that one. Let me rephrase that. How can I learn to let go of being a judgmental asshole and just perceive stuff?

It'll most likely evolve naturally as your weaker functions (Fi, Se, etc)become somewhat more developed and begin to "leak" out. Probably start occurring in your 40's - 50's.

[Kisai]

You can do things against your introverted nature, but you're basically expending 'energy' to do so. When I get stressed, my reserves deplete easier, and it's more difficult to go out and make friends with people.

Sensing is more of a trap. I go through periods of ignoring my exterior senses, to indulging heavily in them. I try to get around my Se weaknesses by writing down checklists, making sure I have everything before I leave my room, giving myself a lot of time in the morning to get from point A to point B.

As for not being a judgmental asshole, just try to ignore people. :P