Joke time!

**silicon212** · 09-06-2010, 10:11 PM

THE HELICOPTER

Two men were flying around in a helicopter one day in the air above Seattle. It was a typical Seattle day: overcast, raining, low clouds etc. While flying around, something happened to the avionics on the craft and everything shut off in the cockpit. Well, they were over the clouds so they needed to figure out how to get back to SEATAC (Seattle-Tacoma Airport). They saw a large office tower, so they flew over next to it and hovered there. People in the office tower started to gather in one of the windows as they watched (and wondered about) the helicopter hovering outside their building.

The pilot saw the people watching and so had his passenger draw a sign and hold it up to the people in the building. The sign said: "WHERE AM I?". Someone then walked away from the window and then after a short time came back, and held up a sign in the window that said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER!".

The pilot then pulled out a map and checked a compass he had in the cockpit (not the same as the helicopters' compass), drew a line to the airport and flew to it. After safely landing, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped the pilot plot a course back to the airport. The pilot responded: "Well, I knew that had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct yet completely useless answer!".

**DifficultBastrd** · 09-08-2010, 10:19 AM

I'll probably get shot down by anyone who's played fallout 3, but I liked the naffness of this joke...
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bar tender gives him his drink and the neutron asks him how much. The bar tender looks at the neutron and says "for you? No charge"

**vertex** · 09-08-2010, 02:26 PM

Old farmer John owned acres of land and much cattle. He was an assiduous and devoted old man with only passion in life: his farm. Everyday he woke up at 5 AM and started working until 10 PM sharp. He lived a truly zealous life.

He wasn’t alone in this though. Every single day for the past 15 years he had been assisted by his trusty sidekick Archibald, also a strong and dedicated man with only mission in life: helping farmer John with the hard work on the farm.

Everyday the same ritual took place:

Archibald arrived at the farm on his old bicycle at 5.15 AM and said: “Good morning farmer John.”

Farmer John replied: “Good morning Archibald.”

They both immediately started their work on the farm. Working like dogs with no time for chit-chat. They both weren’t much talkative types. Instead of yapping like old ladies, these two blokes preferred working like Trojans every day. There was enough to do on the farm anyway. No need for superfluous conversations about the weather, women, sports, current events, etc.

At the end of the day – at 10 PM sharp – the same ritual always took place again:

Farmer John said :”Good night Archibald.”

Archibald replied: “Good night farmer John.”

He took off on his bicycle to his little and modest apartment in the nearby town.

The same ritual took place every single day for fifteen years.

Then one day – on a rainy day in October – farmer John was waiting for Archibald at his farm. At 5.15 AM he unexpectedly heard a very loud but slick motor noise. Archibald arrived at the farm with an amazing Kawasaki motorcycle. Quite a replacement for his old bicycle.

Archibald got off the motorcycle and said: “Good morning farmer John.”

Farmer John replied: “Good morning Archibald. Bought a motorcycle?”

Archibald replied: “Yes.”

Like always they immediately carried on their normal tasks at the farm. Like always they continued their diligent labour at the farm with no time for chit-chat.

At 10 PM the working day had come to an end. Archibald was ready to take off on his new shiny motorcycle.

Farmer John said: “Good night Archibald.”

Archibald replied: “Good night farmer John…. Well, I don’t think I’ll be coming back tomorrow…”

Farmer John was flabbergasted and said: “Huh? Archibald, why? After all these years….. Why do you suddenly want to quit your job here with me at the farm?”

Archibald replied: “Well…… It’s just…. All that moaning about my motorcycle…”

**DifficultBastrd** · 09-08-2010, 03:03 PM

Two men are stranded in the middle of the ocean on a life raft being the only survivors of a plane crash several days ago. They are both quite thirsty, hungry and supplies/hope are running low when one of them notices an old lamp floating nearby and, whilst hoisting it out of the water, accidentally rubs it against the sides of the raft. In a great plume of smoke a genie appears and in a booming voice states "I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP AND I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH" quick as a flash the less intelligent survivor excitedly shouts, "I WISH THE OCEAN WAS BEER" and with a flash the genie is gone and the ocean is beer. The other survivor turns around his eyes wide with shock and anger "YOU FUCKING IDIOT" he bellows "NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT"

**vertex** · 09-08-2010, 03:21 PM

I went for an interview at a blacksmiths today.

"Have you ever shoed horses?" he asked.
"No" I said, "but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once"

**jfc** · 09-08-2010, 05:49 PM

A businessman, tired of the big city life, retired to the wilds of Alaska for some peace and solitude. There was no one else around for miles. He was in heaven.

After six months came a knock at the door. A large, dirty, menacing looking man stood there.

"Uh, good morning sir. What brings you to my door today?"

"I live up the road 'bout ten mile. Saw ya move in, thought I'd say howdy."

"Well its nice of you to come by!"

"Reckon you'd want to come to a party next Sat'day?"

"You know I've been alone here for quite some time, it would be good to meet some people."

"Be some hard drinkin goin' on."

"Oh thats no problem I drink a few myself each day."

"Prob'ly be some nasty fights too."

"Well I will try not to get involved in that!"

"For sure gon' be some wild sex goin' on."

"Hmmmm....who else is going to be there, did you say?"

"Jus gon' be you and me. Be there 8 sharp. Bye."

09-06-2010, 10:11 PM	#1
silicon212 Member [23%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 939	THE HELICOPTER Two men were flying around in a helicopter one day in the air above Seattle. It was a typical Seattle day: overcast, raining, low clouds etc. While flying around, something happened to the avionics on the craft and everything shut off in the cockpit. Well, they were over the clouds so they needed to figure out how to get back to SEATAC (Seattle-Tacoma Airport). They saw a large office tower, so they flew over next to it and hovered there. People in the office tower started to gather in one of the windows as they watched (and wondered about) the helicopter hovering outside their building. The pilot saw the people watching and so had his passenger draw a sign and hold it up to the people in the building. The sign said: "WHERE AM I?". Someone then walked away from the window and then after a short time came back, and held up a sign in the window that said: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER!". The pilot then pulled out a map and checked a compass he had in the cockpit (not the same as the helicopters' compass), drew a line to the airport and flew to it. After safely landing, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped the pilot plot a course back to the airport. The pilot responded: "Well, I knew that had to be the Microsoft building, because they gave me a technically correct yet completely useless answer!".
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09-08-2010, 10:19 AM	#2
DifficultBastrd Member [04%] MBTI: intj Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 167	I'll probably get shot down by anyone who's played fallout 3, but I liked the naffness of this joke... A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bar tender gives him his drink and the neutron asks him how much. The bar tender looks at the neutron and says "for you? No charge"
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09-08-2010, 02:26 PM	#3
vertex Member [10%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 410	Old farmer John owned acres of land and much cattle. He was an assiduous and devoted old man with only passion in life: his farm. Everyday he woke up at 5 AM and started working until 10 PM sharp. He lived a truly zealous life. He wasn’t alone in this though. Every single day for the past 15 years he had been assisted by his trusty sidekick Archibald, also a strong and dedicated man with only mission in life: helping farmer John with the hard work on the farm. Everyday the same ritual took place: Archibald arrived at the farm on his old bicycle at 5.15 AM and said: “Good morning farmer John.” Farmer John replied: “Good morning Archibald.” They both immediately started their work on the farm. Working like dogs with no time for chit-chat. They both weren’t much talkative types. Instead of yapping like old ladies, these two blokes preferred working like Trojans every day. There was enough to do on the farm anyway. No need for superfluous conversations about the weather, women, sports, current events, etc. At the end of the day – at 10 PM sharp – the same ritual always took place again: Farmer John said :”Good night Archibald.” Archibald replied: “Good night farmer John.” He took off on his bicycle to his little and modest apartment in the nearby town. The same ritual took place every single day for fifteen years. Then one day – on a rainy day in October – farmer John was waiting for Archibald at his farm. At 5.15 AM he unexpectedly heard a very loud but slick motor noise. Archibald arrived at the farm with an amazing Kawasaki motorcycle. Quite a replacement for his old bicycle. Archibald got off the motorcycle and said: “Good morning farmer John.” Farmer John replied: “Good morning Archibald. Bought a motorcycle?” Archibald replied: “Yes.” Like always they immediately carried on their normal tasks at the farm. Like always they continued their diligent labour at the farm with no time for chit-chat. At 10 PM the working day had come to an end. Archibald was ready to take off on his new shiny motorcycle. Farmer John said: “Good night Archibald.” Archibald replied: “Good night farmer John…. Well, I don’t think I’ll be coming back tomorrow…” Farmer John was flabbergasted and said: “Huh? Archibald, why? After all these years….. Why do you suddenly want to quit your job here with me at the farm?” Archibald replied: “Well…… It’s just…. All that moaning about my motorcycle…”
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09-08-2010, 03:03 PM	#4
DifficultBastrd Member [04%] MBTI: intj Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 167	Two men are stranded in the middle of the ocean on a life raft being the only survivors of a plane crash several days ago. They are both quite thirsty, hungry and supplies/hope are running low when one of them notices an old lamp floating nearby and, whilst hoisting it out of the water, accidentally rubs it against the sides of the raft. In a great plume of smoke a genie appears and in a booming voice states "I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP AND I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH" quick as a flash the less intelligent survivor excitedly shouts, "I WISH THE OCEAN WAS BEER" and with a flash the genie is gone and the ocean is beer. The other survivor turns around his eyes wide with shock and anger "YOU FUCKING IDIOT" he bellows "NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT"
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09-08-2010, 03:21 PM	#5
vertex Member [10%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2008 Posts: 410	I went for an interview at a blacksmiths today. "Have you ever shoed horses?" he asked. "No" I said, "but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once"
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09-08-2010, 05:49 PM	#6
jfc Member [31%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 1,244	A businessman, tired of the big city life, retired to the wilds of Alaska for some peace and solitude. There was no one else around for miles. He was in heaven. After six months came a knock at the door. A large, dirty, menacing looking man stood there. "Uh, good morning sir. What brings you to my door today?" "I live up the road 'bout ten mile. Saw ya move in, thought I'd say howdy." "Well its nice of you to come by!" "Reckon you'd want to come to a party next Sat'day?" "You know I've been alone here for quite some time, it would be good to meet some people." "Be some hard drinkin goin' on." "Oh thats no problem I drink a few myself each day." "Prob'ly be some nasty fights too." "Well I will try not to get involved in that!" "For sure gon' be some wild sex goin' on." "Hmmmm....who else is going to be there, did you say?" "Jus gon' be you and me. Be there 8 sharp. Bye."
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