Getting into a group

**chemicalzombie** · 08-24-2010, 09:30 PM

oK I know there are numerous threads on this topic but I really would like to have a social group and don't know how to find one. I have tons of friends, in fact I just came back from a party of 40 people. Most of my connections are on a superficial level like hi, how are you and how was your weekend? I interact with a lot of people but when I go somewhere I always have to hope and pray that there will be someone I know. I do not have a group in which I could just call up. Most of the time if I do call someone it ends up being one-on one outing or a formal outing with lots of people. I would love a more casual relationship with a group so that I may have someone to go to dinner daily. I have people I could call but I am afraid that I am taking them away from their set group. For example, My friend Tyler has a set group of guys who he hangs out with and goes to dinner with. Unfortunately, I met Tyler outside his group and therefore his other friends don't know what to make of me. I thought it would get better because recently he and his friend Matt are living across the hall from me. Tyler did tell me that I could come over, I have not found an occasion where I would invite myself over and he has no specifically invited me to his place either. I did invite Tyler and Dale to my place, However only Tyler showed up. So basically, I feel like Tyler's group will never consider me a friend unless Tyler involves me in more casual plans. How do I vent this frustration with out being too clingy or making him feel obligated to invite me to dinner if he does not want to? Or should I just give up on his group and focus my attention elsewhere?

**MagicalThanks** · 08-25-2010, 12:23 AM

Originally Posted by chemicalzombie
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oK I know there are numerous threads on this topic but I really would like to have a social group and don't know how to find one. I have tons of friends, in fact I just came back from a party of 40 people. Most of my connections are on a superficial level like hi, how are you and how was your weekend? I interact with a lot of people but when I go somewhere I always have to hope and pray that there will be someone I know. I do not have a group in which I could just call up. Most of the time if I do call someone it ends up being one-on one outing or a formal outing with lots of people. I would love a more casual relationship with a group so that I may have someone to go to dinner daily. I have people I could call but I am afraid that I am taking them away from their set group. For example, My friend Tyler has a set group of guys who he hangs out with and goes to dinner with. Unfortunately, I met Tyler outside his group and therefore his other friends don't know what to make of me. I thought it would get better because recently he and his friend Matt are living across the hall from me. Tyler did tell me that I could come over, I have not found an occasion where I would invite myself over and he has no specifically invited me to his place either. I did invite Tyler and Dale to my place, However only Tyler showed up. So basically, I feel like Tyler's group will never consider me a friend unless Tyler involves me in more casual plans. How do I vent this frustration with out being too clingy or making him feel obligated to invite me to dinner if he does not want to? Or should I just give up on his group and focus my attention elsewhere?

Focus your attention elsewhere. Do not frustrate your own well being. I am only new, but I am quite confident that you will find another group. Do not give up on what you want, endeavor from their rejections.

**Malkavia** · 08-26-2010, 05:10 AM

Disagree. Maybe you're looking slightly too far into it. I don't think the group dislikes you (at least I don't think there is enough evidence yet). Guys are normally easy to get along with in groups and less picky of friends in my experience. If you think your close enough to Tyler just tell him, "Hey I was wondering if I could hang out with you guys more, you seem like really awesome people." Its not hard but you're going to have to take the initiative. Most likely if they are satisfied with their group they are not going to actively invite other people. Eventually (hopefully) after hanging out a few times you will start getting the invite.

It does not have to be one option or the other. Try to hang out with Tyler's group AND look elsewhere. You said Tyler lives across the hall from you. Are you in a dorm? Are you in college? If you are in college it is INCREDIBLY easy to find new groups of people. Its simple: Get. Involved. Find an organization that interests you or even find an organization that specializes as a social organization. Greek life has a bad reputation but if you can find a fraternity that fits with your personality I don't think it would be a problem. I'm not a part of greek life but I've known some people in some fraternities that are a lot more laid back and introverted than the stereotype.

**chemicalzombie** · 08-26-2010, 08:58 PM

@ Malkavia: As a group we have gone out three times, is that not enough so that I do not initiate anymore? Yes I live in a special dorm. It is special because it has a budget of $32,000 which is divided between committees. I run The Arts Culture and Entertainment committee. So I am very involved in dorm life. Additionally I am a member of the debate team at college and bioethics society. I am very active in the college community and not sure what more I could do more in that respect. Additionally info: I graduate this year so there is not a lot of time left, My dorm does pretty much everything together: there is a special section of the dinning hall for us to eat together. This section is open Monday through Thursday. There is always the slight chance that they are happening to meet at the same time, but I am pretty sure it is scheduled. So when I happen to see Tyler's group in this room with or with out Tyler, should I join them uninvited?

**Antagonist** · 08-26-2010, 09:10 PM

Don't put too much thought into it. If you're alone and you see his group, just casually be like "what's up, guys" and sit down with them. You don't cling to your friend, right? You can hold your own socially?

**chemicalzombie** · 08-26-2010, 09:21 PM

	Originally Posted by Antagonist To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Don't put too much thought into it. If you're alone and you see his group, just casually be like "what's up, guys" and sit down with them. You don't cling to your friend, right? You can hold your own socially?

I think I can hold my own but what the fuck do I know!

08-24-2010, 09:30 PM	#1
chemicalzombie Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 107	oK I know there are numerous threads on this topic but I really would like to have a social group and don't know how to find one. I have tons of friends, in fact I just came back from a party of 40 people. Most of my connections are on a superficial level like hi, how are you and how was your weekend? I interact with a lot of people but when I go somewhere I always have to hope and pray that there will be someone I know. I do not have a group in which I could just call up. Most of the time if I do call someone it ends up being one-on one outing or a formal outing with lots of people. I would love a more casual relationship with a group so that I may have someone to go to dinner daily. I have people I could call but I am afraid that I am taking them away from their set group. For example, My friend Tyler has a set group of guys who he hangs out with and goes to dinner with. Unfortunately, I met Tyler outside his group and therefore his other friends don't know what to make of me. I thought it would get better because recently he and his friend Matt are living across the hall from me. Tyler did tell me that I could come over, I have not found an occasion where I would invite myself over and he has no specifically invited me to his place either. I did invite Tyler and Dale to my place, However only Tyler showed up. So basically, I feel like Tyler's group will never consider me a friend unless Tyler involves me in more casual plans. How do I vent this frustration with out being too clingy or making him feel obligated to invite me to dinner if he does not want to? Or should I just give up on his group and focus my attention elsewhere?
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08-26-2010, 05:10 AM	#3
Malkavia Core Member [237%] MBTI: ENXP Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 9,483	Disagree. Maybe you're looking slightly too far into it. I don't think the group dislikes you (at least I don't think there is enough evidence yet). Guys are normally easy to get along with in groups and less picky of friends in my experience. If you think your close enough to Tyler just tell him, "Hey I was wondering if I could hang out with you guys more, you seem like really awesome people." Its not hard but you're going to have to take the initiative. Most likely if they are satisfied with their group they are not going to actively invite other people. Eventually (hopefully) after hanging out a few times you will start getting the invite. It does not have to be one option or the other. Try to hang out with Tyler's group AND look elsewhere. You said Tyler lives across the hall from you. Are you in a dorm? Are you in college? If you are in college it is INCREDIBLY easy to find new groups of people. Its simple: Get. Involved. Find an organization that interests you or even find an organization that specializes as a social organization. Greek life has a bad reputation but if you can find a fraternity that fits with your personality I don't think it would be a problem. I'm not a part of greek life but I've known some people in some fraternities that are a lot more laid back and introverted than the stereotype.
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08-26-2010, 08:58 PM	#4
chemicalzombie Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2009 Posts: 107	@ Malkavia: As a group we have gone out three times, is that not enough so that I do not initiate anymore? Yes I live in a special dorm. It is special because it has a budget of $32,000 which is divided between committees. I run The Arts Culture and Entertainment committee. So I am very involved in dorm life. Additionally I am a member of the debate team at college and bioethics society. I am very active in the college community and not sure what more I could do more in that respect. Additionally info: I graduate this year so there is not a lot of time left, My dorm does pretty much everything together: there is a special section of the dinning hall for us to eat together. This section is open Monday through Thursday. There is always the slight chance that they are happening to meet at the same time, but I am pretty sure it is scheduled. So when I happen to see Tyler's group in this room with or with out Tyler, should I join them uninvited?
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08-26-2010, 09:10 PM	#5
Antagonist Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2008 Posts: 206	Don't put too much thought into it. If you're alone and you see his group, just casually be like "what's up, guys" and sit down with them. You don't cling to your friend, right? You can hold your own socially?
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