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Is it possible to be too independent? None
Old 08-23-2010, 12:32 PM   #1
Napoleptic
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Is it possible to be too independent? What are some advantages or disadvantages?
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Old 08-23-2010, 12:38 PM   #2
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Depends on how its manifesting. I you come off in a way that puts people off, that will inconvenience you. If you don't want to invest in relationships because you don't feel you need them, that reduces some available opportunities.

It depends on what you want from life, and whether having people with you will help you get there faster.
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Old 08-23-2010, 12:41 PM   #3
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I'm perfectly fine with how independent I am, but then it causes problem with other people. Say, with my parents and friends. I'm so emotionally independent that they don't usually elicit any feelings in me. I might love my parents when I'm with them, but when I'm not, I don't think about them at all. I do things my own way, sometimes irresponsibly so, for example, when I forgot to call home after 3 days in Europe, my parents freaked. Even then, I didn't want to answer my phone.
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Old 08-23-2010, 12:51 PM   #4
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I'm not sure that's independence, that feels more like dissociation. In fact the 'didn't want to' implies something slightly more than dissociation.
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Old 08-23-2010, 12:55 PM   #5
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  Originally Posted by Zsych
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I'm not sure that's independence, that feels more like dissociation. In fact the 'didn't want to' implies something slightly more than dissociation.

Well, it's a little bit of both, but another reason is that I never feel much need to see anybody or hear their voice much. Independence is a lack of dependence, and in that respect, I'm certainly not dependent on many people. I "didn't want to" answer my phone because I didn't need to, and there are other things I could be doing. I do admit that I don't take care of others' needs very well.

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Old 08-23-2010, 01:02 PM   #6
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Too much independence can make for a very uneven power balance in a relationship. It's something you have to be careful of, and a hard thing to do, because my tendency is to state firmly "I don't need you" in almost every facet of life. I might *want* you, but I don't *need* you. It is surprising to me how hurtful that some people find this, but that said, they do find it rejecting and unpleasant.

Most people want to feel needed and wanted by their Significant Other, and do need to feel that they are making a real and valued contribution to the relationship as a peer, or half a couple. If you're completely independent and self-sustaining, it can be very hard to make a space in which you can allow someone else to contribute.

For example, if you're the better cook and you only like to eat your own food and plan your own menus, that can ensure that your partner stays away entirely from that whole field of endeavor. Alternatively, if they persist in wanting to do such things, it can also be difficult to step back and let your partner do it their way (the *wrong way* of course, since it's not your way...). I have (I am ashamed to admit) taken the stirring spoon out of someone's hand in order to "do it right" rather than explaining to them that the food needs to be stirred and letting them figure it out.

If you're pathologically independent across the board, especially in key areas (like work, child rearing, or income), then it can be very hard to let go and trust that someone else will actually pick up the slack and that kind of independence is not so beneficial to either partner. Yes, it does quell one's anxieties because it's all "under control" but it doesn't allow your partner to carry half the load, ever. That can lead to exploitation and resentment (on both your parts).
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Old 08-23-2010, 02:57 PM   #7
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In the same vein as what REMwoman is saying, yeah, you can become too independent when you need to control everything in your life and consider that whatever it is you need you can provide better than anybody else. That's sort of my reality, and I find that I do pay a price for this. I believe in interdependence, at least in theory, in the sense that as individuals, we are not perfect, and most people in the world can do at least one thing better than we can and we can benefit from this (as others can benefit from what we do better than them.) But in practice, I haven't really figured out yet how to create the conditions for interdependence to take place in a satisfactory way for all parties involved.
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Old 08-23-2010, 03:04 PM   #8
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It's only a hassle if you're stubborn about it or have children.
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Old 08-24-2010, 01:35 AM   #9
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I guess some people have a want to be needed by others. It seems parasitic to me.
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Old 08-24-2010, 01:47 AM   #10
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If they want to feel needed, they may be giving something to feel needed.
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Old 08-24-2010, 01:51 AM   #11
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It's up to the person they're doing said giving to if they want to accept it.
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Old 08-24-2010, 02:21 AM   #12
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Well, I would prefer always to want someone, and not need someone.
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Old 08-24-2010, 03:00 AM   #13
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  Originally Posted by REMwoman
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If you're pathologically independent across the board, especially in key areas (like work, child rearing, or income), then it can be very hard to let go and trust that someone else will actually pick up the slack and that kind of independence is not so beneficial to either partner. Yes, it does quell one's anxieties because it's all "under control" but it doesn't allow your partner to carry half the load, ever. That can lead to exploitation and resentment (on both your parts).

Absolutely. And it can be downright fucking unattractive.

You want to digniify any man or any woman? Ask for some help or an opinion.

You want to look a bit less like a control freak and a lot more attractive? Do the above.
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Old 08-24-2010, 03:11 AM   #14
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  Originally Posted by Antares
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Well, I would prefer always to want someone, and not need someone.

thats called INTERdependence ...

NEED = Dependent
DON'T NEED NOR WANT = Independence
WANT = Interdependence

Jung also associated them with three stages in life, first we're children & dependent, then teens & independent, then adults & Interdependent, he observed that we can't start fully growing into ourselves until we go through the three phases ( or if not normally due to any circumstances, then by other means ), & consciously chose the third as way to do that, since adulthood requires choice & responsibility ...

I always strive to be Interdependent since it proved way better than independence for me, but then again everybody has to go through both phases inorder to appreciate the third
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Old 08-24-2010, 04:30 AM   #15
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Yes it is possible to be too independent. You can have too much of anything, and it will have bad consequences.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:39 PM   #16
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  Originally Posted by Zsych
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If you don't want to invest in relationships because you don't feel you need them, that reduces some available opportunities.

Yup. Been bitten by that one before. Even so, I'd prefer to simply not need the opportunities over having to invest in them.

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Old 09-06-2010, 04:11 AM   #17
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Independence is the one thing I value most in life. I feel somewhat disappointed when others don't strive for it. I must stop trying to change ENFJ's into INTJs.
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