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INFP + ISTJ = DIFFICULT None
Old 08-11-2010, 06:38 AM   #1
Bonamona
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I am in one of my 'crazy moods' again today.

I suspect that he is ISTJ, based on the research I've done.

Here's the thing:

ISTJ

 
In love relationships the ISTJ is a strong believer in taking responsibility. They also say the things they mean. Often they are accused of being uncaring but they view the benchmark of commitment by actions and not words. The ISTJ is more interested in being the Rock of Gibralter and day to day success than words that are not backed up with actions.

INFP

 
INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper.

See the irony?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry
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God, it has always been so difficult.

I was so EXCEPTIONAL in expressing my feelings to him via text messages. I texted him some of the most beautiful poetry I had ever written (being a writer and all) In fact, at one point, I got so clingy with the SMS communication to the point it totally annoyed him.

He, on the other hand, expressed his care best through actions instead and I have a hard time returning the same kind of expressions. By sometimes following me around and trying to get physically close to me most of the time, but I have a hard time showing honest warmth when face-to-face (and it pissed him off at one point)

I don't know. Perhaps it's to do with the fact that we had a very complex history in the past and we tried to make things better, supposedly being grown up than we once were in the far past.

But at times, we fail and it's kind of hard going back and forth, although I do care about him.

I think the unclear communication took a huge toll.

Anyone else ever in the same situation?

---------- Post added 08-11-2010 at 01:56 AM ----------

 
However, when a decision to part is not so clear to ISTJs, they may continue to rehash the past rather than look to the future and other relationships.

- Describes him perfectly

---------- Post added 08-11-2010 at 02:01 AM ----------

 
INFPs and ISTJs generally exhibit a natural predator/prey relationship, which, though it might appear harsh and cruel from the outside, is all part of the natural cycle of life.


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Old 08-11-2010, 04:39 PM   #2
RowanRockhopper
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ISTJs are pretty close to our opposite.

And they say opposites attract, however, when they say this its assuming there is some common ground. The two elements both being magnets for example.

In this situation its more like magnet - cheese board. The only thing you have in common is your both introverted ?

I suggest you get away from the fellow. Find an opposite liiike an ENFJ or an INFJ.

Of course this is just faceless internet advice. Obviously you're in the situation itself and can make the better informed judgment.
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Old 08-11-2010, 07:48 PM   #3
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I wouldn't say that it's impossible, but you two have got your work cut out for you on the communication, respect and understanding (empathy) front...
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:24 PM   #4
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I always dreamed of having an ISTJ boyfriend.

Now I'm not entirely sure. Although I don't think I'd mind someone raised by an ISTJ
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Old 08-11-2010, 10:30 PM   #5
Storm
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  Originally Posted by Tkae
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I always dreamed of having an ISTJ boyfriend.

Why?

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Old 08-11-2010, 10:45 PM   #6
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  Originally Posted by Storm
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Why?

For the same reason wild deer will hang around a person's house if they put food out for them.

I accept the fact that my inconsistency makes me incapable of "taking care of myself", for whatever the modern definition is worth (it's worth a lot to others, apparently, but not to me). Or, in other words, we've got a surplus of the fun and a shortage of the responsibility.

ISTJs are the most easily identifiable of all the personality types as being the most responsible. So, with them being a type that's got a shortage of the fun and a surplus of the responsibility, an ISTJ is who I'd want to be the person putting out my food on their back porch.

But, as I've learned more about myself, their xSTJ nature is just too potent for me, and I'd need someone with more Feeling capabilities (or at least Feeling-tolerance) in order to be truly happy.

I still want a partner who provides me with an environment in which I'm taken care of. But I want someone more like a zookeeper, who will pet me and play with me, than a kennel owner who will just shove the food in my cage and expect me to be quiet.

Which is why I could see myself being with the child of an ISTJ -- someone who's picked up ISTJ characteristics, but isn't an ISTJ. I've also had people tell me that I could find what I'm looking for in eldest siblings, who have grown up being mentors for their younger siblings and who would naturally have a more responsible nature regardless of their personality type.

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Old 02-05-2012, 07:12 AM   #7
shrili
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My father is ISTJ. He has a pretty well developed intutive side though. He gets really frustrated when I cry (which happens a lot). He says that that shows "weakness".
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Old 02-05-2012, 07:43 AM   #8
Strange Moon
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In my experience ISTJs and INFPs don't really understand each other.
ISTJs are very down-to-earth, they care about the basic things of life, they are very thorough in their daily routine activities, they like keeping schedules and expect everybody to do the same. They have little tolerance for people who put their moods above their duties.
They have no understanding for daydreams and "pointless" idealism.
So they are about as far away from INFPs as you can imagine.

That said I get along great with both types.
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Old 02-05-2012, 07:53 AM   #9
Seablue
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I've seen a few ISTJs get along well with my INFP friend (Litchee) but not as romantic relationships. As friends or family it can work. It's true that the INFP is better with words and the ISTJ better with actions but they can find some common ground in symbolical actions.

One of the most surprising things I have ever seen is my ISTJ mother drinking champagne at 1 a.m in the garden with my INFP friend who was simply thrilled of doing something so strange and poetic.

It's true that one can express love in actions such as doing the washing up everyday, and my mother strongly feels that way, while for the INFP, it's a boring chore and nothing else. But you can find some other things to do that would feel more sincere to you and would still appeal to your ISTJ.

(I'm somewhere on the middle on this. Perhaps because I'm an INTJ raised by an ISTJ and an eldest sibling. /wink at Tkae
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)
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Old 02-05-2012, 08:04 AM   #10
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In my experience ISTJs can respond positively to our love for small pleasures in life. Sometimes they like to lay back and enjoy themselves instead of constantly worrying about what needs to be done ; and in these moments, they love having someone like us around, who's excited about going for a moonlit walk or having a glass of wine in the garden.
I also think they like the fact that we are very aware of our environment and pick up lots of little details, like they do. (Maybe there's a function explanation to that ?)

I get along extremely well with my ISTJ sister, and quite well with others ISTJs I know.
The only problems arise when they start telling me what I should do. I don't like that. ^^
However, I don't have a clue how it would be to be in a relationship with one.

OP, I get that you're frustrated because he hasn't responded to your words of love the way you wanted him to. I'm not surprised :/ It's true they don't value words half as much as actions.
But maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit. I'm sure that you are nice to him and that you, in fact, might earn some points with him in a way that you don't know yet. Small actions that show care and understanding are very precious to him ; and you may provide them without even realizing it.

---------- Post added 02-05-2012 at 01:09 PM ----------

Haha, nice simultaneous post :D

  Originally Posted by Seablue
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It's true that one can express love in actions such as doing the washing up everyday, and my mother strongly feels that way, while for the INFP, it's a boring chore and nothing else.

That's a little exaggerated. We can appreciate that from others as well as do it ourselves to please. But it's true that if we don't feel loved and cherished, and the ISTJ answers to our complaint with "I do the chores", it's not gonna float.
Also because, come on. We know they don't do it for us as much as they do it because it must be done. :D

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Old 02-05-2012, 08:18 AM   #11
Seablue
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  Originally Posted by Litchee
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I also think they like the fact that we are very aware of our environment and pick up lots of little details, like they do. (Maybe there's a function explanation to that ?)

That would be Si, dominant in ISTJs, tertiary in INFPs. The dynamic is supposed to be as follow : the INFP's "childish" Si looks up to the ISTJ's Si, and the ISTJ is amused by that tertiary Si and wants to protect and nurture it.

 
Haha, nice simultaneous post :D

It wasn't wine, it was champagne. And it was silly.
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But it's true that if we don't feel loved and cherished, and the ISTJ answers to our complaint with "I do the chores", it's not gonna float.

Yep. And they probably won't like that it doesn't float, unless you do exactly 50% of said chores
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Also because, come on. We know they don't do it for us as much as they do it because it must be done. :D

Ah, but lots of people don't do what must be done. Especially when what must be done according to the ISTJ is not what must be done according to other types. For instance everyone will probably agree that the washing up must be done, but must it be done everyday right after each meal ?

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Old 02-05-2012, 11:40 AM   #12
Litchee
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Ah, but lots of people don't do what must be done. Especially when what must be done according to the ISTJ is not what must be done according to other types. For instance everyone will probably agree that the washing up must be done, but must it be done everyday right after each meal ?

That's what I meant. They do it because they can't stand the fact that it's not done, not out of love or affection. They'd do exactly the same if they hated your guts.

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Old 02-05-2012, 02:01 PM   #13
AnnaMolly
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The "words" vs "actions" thing is a "love language" problem. It's important to realize that your partner expresses his feelings differently than you do. And it would help if you sometimes tried to express your feelings for him, and he for you, in the others' preferred "love language".


As an INFP, I think the main thing that would cause problems between me and and ISTJ would be the S-N difference.
The ISTJ's I know are very focused on facts, details, reality, here and now. They have a hard time "skipping steps" or "looking ahead".
INFP's are very focused on ideals, ideas, imagination, the future, possibilities. I get frustrated easily if I have to follow routines or instructions that I perceive as unncessary.

What I'd probably like about an ISTJ is their reliability, stability, and honesty. And I think I could benefit them by getting him to see "beyond" a bit, making them laugh, and making them more emotional. Although they might also perceive this as an attack and resent me for it. No clue. :/
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Old 02-05-2012, 03:57 PM   #14
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  Originally Posted by Litchee
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That's what I meant. They do it because they can't stand the fact that it's not done, not out of love or affection. They'd do exactly the same if they hated your guts.

I think that's a very good observation of ISTJ behaviour.

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Old 02-05-2012, 04:37 PM   #15
JackCY
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sorry but I would look elsewhere...
if you can't communicate it's not good at all
to add INFP + ISTJ is not a good combination from my POV unless you are really into each other, otherwise you won't understand what the other means, wants, needs

ISTJs are usually cold when you get close enough they just turn kind of into an ice cube fixed on history and rules not being able to express feelings is another disadvantage
so you would need some ISTJ that is working on their weaknesses
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Old 02-06-2012, 04:06 AM   #16
idoj
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What a steaming pile of bullshit! People either relate to each other or not. It's just a generalized way to look at human variation. If you care about someone you figure out how to connect. Intuitives are not short on their ability to intuit the world around them, or the people... Grace on the other hand can be an issue... If you can let go of your own BS; you'll be fine regardless of a Myer's Briggs score... Jesus!!! We are all just people! People all want acceptance that's why everyone tries so hard to find a group or person that accepts them... at some point, as they are.
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Old 02-06-2012, 01:41 PM   #17
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It's not what some want to hear Idoj. This is a bit of a ISTJ/INFP worship thread. It was to be expected. Everything I read here fits humanity, not a MBTI type. But I'm a keeper of a kennel: I let them play.
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Old 02-06-2012, 02:48 PM   #18
idoj
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  Originally Posted by Tengu
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It's not what some want to hear Idoj. This is a bit of a ISTJ/INFP worship thread. It was to be expected. Everything I read here fits humanity, not a MBTI type. But I'm a keeper of a kennel: I let them play.

I know but at times in the middle of the night I have such a low BS tolerance that I snap...

I'm not a good girl when I get tired
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:14 PM   #19
Seablue
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If you don't want to hear "bullshit" about dynamics between people of different MBTI types, I have to question the reason why you are currently posting on an MBTI forum. And if you do actually believe that the MBTI contains a measure of truth, please explain why the posts of the people on this thread are not accurate.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:19 PM   #20
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IMO, I'd stay the hell away from the ISTJ unless you enjoy having to explain what you just did and why you didn't do it exactly the way he/she would have done it.

Full disclosure: I was married to an ISTJ, long before I knew what MBTI was. And yes, the communication was dismal. It was so bad that we could say exactly the same thing but mean completely different things.
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:45 PM   #21
Tengu
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I used to think in terms of BS as well Idoj but it doesn't bring me anywhere. These days I think in terms of classifications, rather then judgements. It's much more relaxing
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. What you see here is play.
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Old 02-06-2012, 04:33 PM   #22
idoj
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I've not played in a very long time... So, I make everything... play... sort of
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Old 02-08-2012, 06:56 AM   #23
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Omg this was long time ago and I don't even have feelings for the said ISTJ ex anymore :/
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Old 02-08-2012, 07:13 AM   #24
Seablue
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Damn, I missed the fact that it was necroposting. Well at least you had answers... a little too late...
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