[DreamthenDo]

Hi everyone! Here is my dilemma... ENFP woman very much in love with an INTJ man. The issue? We are both immature ENFP/INTJ's... My emotions get the best of me when he makes me mad, and my anger creates angry words that I spill out of my mouth.. At the time I dont care, and say what Im feeling with great abandon... then of course I feel bad because I really do love him... He on the other hand has the characteristic INTJ tendency to be a little socially disconnected (Aspergers-esque!), which most of the time I find cute and quirky, but when it comes to not connecting with me emotionally, leaves me feeling like he is cold and unfeeling. We have the best conversations about anything and everything! I dream up the ideas, and he is organized enough so that we can actually execute them! A perfection of a match in every way, except that his particularity about having all of his ducks in a row (and requiring that I do the same) makes me feel like hes controlling, meanwhile he feels like I'm rediculously irresponsible (My outlook? Ummm nothing bad has ever happened to me yet, so why should I change?) Im also a little worried when things like this happen; most of the time I can tolerate his know it all attitude with a little bit of a tightened jaw, but one day he was being particularly condescending, so I said "I really feel like you dont want me here right now. I dont like that way you are talking to me" and he accused my threatening to leave as a form of control "Uh, not exactly" I said "Its about mutual respect and not being a door mat" A form of control? He seems to call me that a lot whenever I disagree with him... Is it him? Is it the personality? Is it the fact that were both a little immature and need to grow into our personalities a little more? I love INTJs (mine in particular) for their solid head on their shoulders, amazing ability to identify right and wrong in black and white, their intelligence, their caring spirits, and the embracing of their nerdy-ness! I do need some help though... Help?

[AlbanyDude]

Well, some things you should know about us:

1) Us INTJs tend to disregard emotions in decisions, both ours and yours. It's not that we don't sense them, we very much do. However, logic/reason and emotion are like oil and water, and emotions have no place in decision making. Think of the personality of Spock in Star Trek and you'll pretty much have us in focus.
2) INTJs also tend to plan everything to the Nth degree. We base our decisions on life experience, as well as much forethought to avoid potential problems. To say we get a bit particular is a HUGE understatement.
3) We get socially disconnected because explaining everything we've reasoned through to everyone else tends to be a waste of our time. Why keep "explaining" when we could be "doing"? Besides, freethinkers are often the object of ridicule (despite our being really damn intelligent), and who needs that? On the other hand, though, if you feel he's unemotional in your relationship, SAY SO! There's nothing wrong with saying "Hey, let's talk..." Saying things out of anger may not seem to affect him, but trust me when I say that it does.
4) If he really didn't want you there with him, you'd already know it. If you think he's being condescending, tell him that's the vibe your picking up, and he'll most likely work on it.

You really need to talk things out and address issues a bit more, and get a little less angry...just my humble opinion...

[animeia]

I'm dating a INTJ as well, but problems we do have are easily talked over. Though I frequently overreact and think the worst, he isn't unfeeling and does understand my point of view. Usually our problems stem from simple misunderstandings. Try to control your anger and understand his point of view. Don't let your emotions control how you respond.

[Samueza]

There's one important point about the emo outburst you should keep in mind: it adds a lot of weight to the message you are trying to convey, which will make it hard for him to disagree with you. The message he hears, might be "agree with me or I will become very upset!" This is kryptonite for INTJ's. When we disagree with someone (which is totally okay, by the way), we want to argue with them - but we can't argue with feelings because that's just the way you feel. We also can't argue with you if you just make your point and leave. That way, we are denied an honest argument and robbed of our rational superpowers. See? Kryptonite! I think you will find your communications being much better if you can find a more composed way to convey your feelings to him.

I think there is an important lesson for your INTJ in this too, which is to learn to understand how you deal with things. I understand his view - I'm a planner too and strong on the "get shit done" perspective as well. On the other hand, other people can live their lives in a less planned and much more spontaneous fashion and it's not like they never get anything done, so there must be something they're doing right. It's a challenge to find out what it is they're doing and how they go about it, a challenge which might be good for your INTJ to accept as well.

[TenochAcampicht]

INTERLOPER! How dare you defile the holy halls of our Aspergeresque (Ass-burger?)domain...

Meh.

Welcome to the board.

First up, I can't again speak for all of us, unless I were to burn the Reichstag and blame it on the Communists and assume power, that said, I personally feel that it's best to just calmly talk it out, understand that our first instinct when threatened, down, etc. is to isolate, basically, be calm before responding (both parties), understand that beneath our cold exteriors, we are quite warm and cuddly (that and have arteries, veins, blood and puss, etc.), it's just you gotta crack that shell of ours.

When having difficulties, try to talk it out, alert him to listen more and not immediately advise, before speaking to him, think things over logically and you'll do great :


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(give him that and tell him to call us in the morning)


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(Read this, failure to do so will lead to an all expenses paid trip to Kazakhstan)

[Muse]

im a cold a crude intj on the outside but i love to cuddle
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I think its important to realize that like you, he doesn't always notice certain aspects of his personality taking effect. I think most INTJs dont necessarily realize they are speaking condescendingly. i get accused of this often by people that dont really know me, but feel bold enough to mention it. To most of us, we are just speaking intellectually, critically, or with a sense of confidence that many mistake as forceful authority.

For the love of god don't get emotional and angry with him
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he wouln't really know how to deal with it, and one way or another, be it right then or much later, your severely hurting and confusing him with a negative emotional response that you end up taking back later.

my 2 cents