[deacon]

how do you cope with the guilt and pain?

[retardbatman]

"Well... atleast I wasn't the one who died."

Nah, I'd probably reason my way out of it like everything else.

[plotthickens]

1. Determine cause of emotions.
2. Pinpoint root-cause situations for those emotions.
3. Figure out how I could have handled it better.
4. Extrapolate guidelines from the better-handled behaviours.
5. Integrate those guidelines into my daily self.
   • This is done both to help myself and as an actual real-world apology for my bad behaviors, every time I use those new guidelines. Without guilt, acting better is a way to prove that I will not do it again.

This process is difficult and sometimes painful. It can take years to be able to see a situation clear enough to examine it correctly. if it is done truthfully and honestly -- neither shedding responsibility nor piling on hyperbolic mea culpas -- then I have found that the process itself expiates guilt.

[Warrior]

I think you have to realize that there really isn't anything you can do to directly rectify the situation. Some type of public statement about how you treated the other person may or may not be appropriate, depending on the situation. Ultimately, though, their death removes any ability you have to directly make amends. Coming to terms with that can help alleviate a lot fo the guilt. Depending on your religious beliefs, other actions may be appropriate as well. Finally, think about the situation and see what you can learn from it. Actions have consequences and you don't always have the opportunity to make things right.

[MortalWombat]

I've done it, I just got over it. You can't be happyhappyjoyjoy with everyone constantly, just for fear they may die and leave you guilty. If the treatment was warranted, what reason have you to holster guilt?

[JulietCapulet]

Oy. Well, I guess learn from it. Try never to treat another person badly again. And then, learn to forgive yourself as I'm sure they are very happy.

[roninpro]

	Originally Posted by retardbatman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	"Well... atleast I wasn't the one who died." Nah, I'd probably reason my way out of it like everything else.

Reminds me of George Carlin speaking on death:
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
.

[kita]

I'm actually struggling with similar emotions right now, and nothing really helps. I think a common part of the grieving process is to wish you could go back and do things differently.

[Aurelia]

	Originally Posted by deacon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	how do you cope with the guilt and pain?

Ask for forgiveness from the individual. If at all possible, I also do my best to rectify the situation.

[Epictetus]

It depends on how badly you treated them. If you just ignored them and teased them now and again then I don't think there should be too much guilt and it would just pass. If, however, you bullied them, treated them like dirt or manipulated and abused them then I think you just have to learn from it.

You could also go to the loved ones of the deceased and ask their forgiveness for how you mistreated the person. Maybe make a donation to some charity or organization that person was involved with.

If all else fails, then get drunk, beat up a hooker and get arrested for public indecency. It worked for my brother.

[zibber]

	Originally Posted by deacon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	how do you cope with the guilt and pain?

Mourn. Mourn their death and your own stupidity.

[Cooper]

Don't treat someone badly. If you do, figure out why you did, which was most likely for selfish reasons, then move on with the goal of not doing it again.

[Distance]

	Originally Posted by deacon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	how do you cope with the guilt and pain?

I avoid doing things that have the potential to make me feel guilty in the future. And if I unintentionally have caused pain, then I try to make reparations immediately or don't care enough to bother.

[elegantmachine]

If the person does not die, do you think about how You could have treat the person better than you did?

If one I had an dispute with dies (not from our dispute) I do not think about the dispute. At all. Why should I? Maybe it is not the best way to end a relationship with, but it happened anyways. Did it not?

And if the person moves abroad and You know you are never going to see that person again, do you think about your dispute and feeling bad about it?

[Elwood92]

Then there is nothing I can do about it anymore... I'll just keep on living in the same way.

[Celeborn]

If they did not die as a result of your treatment of them, then there is no basis for any additional guilt.

[Icarus]

	Originally Posted by deacon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	how do you cope with the guilt and pain?

if you treat someone badly, but they deserve it and die, why should you feel guilt?

if you treat someone badly and they don't deserve it, why she needs to die for you feel guilt?

anyway, feel guilt will benefit someone? just try to treat badly people who deserves next time and forget stupid guilt.

[Bluesea]

Work it through with someone who understands grief ... the long range forecast is about self forgiveness, self awareness and learning, recognition and clearing away of ignorance, and learning to live with regret that does not necessarily go away but is not so acute and present all the time, serves as a reminder, and serves you, as a reminder. Try not to jump to the end before working through the process, let yourself work through it with someone, by some method, you implicitly trust. The feelings are there, you don't have to do something with them mentally, they will dissipate on their own as you process the experience. Take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself at the moment, ensure you are staying ok enough within your own skin, to work it through. There is no point in not learning something from it, working out what you want to learn can be part of the process.

[jmizell]

	Originally Posted by Bluesea To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Take care of yourself, and be gentle with yourself at the moment, ensure you are staying ok enough within your own skin, to work it through. There is no point in not learning something from it, working out what you want to learn can be part of the process.

I can empathize, sincerely. The one that left before business was concluded was my mother. She and I parted on bad terms and never really repaired that gap before cancer took her. Bluesea is right with what she said. It took me 7 years to really work through. I, however, found solace in drugs, which only made things worse, so I don't recommend that route. Honestly, religion really helped me work through it. Something about the idea of them still being here without being here gave me a comfort.

[deacon]

thanks for all the responses guys! i'm starting to make piece with the guilt.

	If they did not die as a result of your treatment of them, then there is no basis for any additional guilt.

can an old person die of stress/ emotional pain? can they will themselves to die? or did they die of old age? my grandma was 81. my aunt initially thought her mom committed suicide since she was not happy most of her life. she did not though. most of my family treated her badly, me included. can't say if it was justified but there must be something in her attitude/ personality that brings out the worst in us and makes us treat her the way we did.

[Akzis]

You really can't do much but accept it and move on. To suggest adjusting your behavior is redundant; they are already dead and if you treated them this way, there is usually a reason.

If it was warranted, you have no cause to be guilty. If it wasn't, then you need reexamine yourself.

[Silence]

Originally Posted by deacon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

thanks for all the responses guys! i'm starting to make piece with the guilt. can an old person die of stress/ emotional pain? can they will themselves to die? or did they die of old age? my grandma was 81. my aunt initially thought her mom committed suicide since she was not happy most of her life. she did not though. most of my family treated her badly, me included. can't say if it was justified but there must be something in her attitude/ personality that brings out the worst in us and makes us treat her the way we did.

Whoa, whoa whoa. I was sympathizing with you right up until this.

Let me see if I get this right. Your Grandma died. Your family, to include you, treated her badly. And it's your Grandma's fault that you treated her badly, because "something in her attitude/personality...brings out the worst in you and made youbtreat her the way you did"? So, she was just asking to be treated badly, huh?

I'd say that you've got a LONG way to go before you're able to cope with this. Instead of turning on your Grandma, why not look in the mirror? You're feeling guilty for how badly you treated your Grandma- and it sounds like you should feel guilty, because you acted badly. Everyone has a personality that rubs people the wrong way at one time or another. Sometimes it doesn't last long; sometimes you can count on being aggravated for as long as you're around them. But you sure don't get to blame that person for how YOU treat them- their control begins and ends with them. Unless your Grandma held a gun on all of your family members and said, "Treat me like crap, cuz I kinda like that," I'd say the guilt you're feeling is justified.

Have you ever been in a wretched state of mind- maybe you're not feeling up to par, or maybe you're depressed and in that endless circle of being irritated because you're depressed, but just haven't got the energy to pull yourself out of it, which makes you irritated (repeat ad nauseum)? Maybe not, because you're young. Wait until you put 30 years on, and see all the tiny aches and pains, and how those irritations grate on your personality. Sure, your Gram may have been a pain in the ass. Ever put yourself in her shoes? Ever try and think of how or why a person acts the way they do? Ever take a nice long look at yourself, your aunt, your parents, and realize that maybe there was a better and more appropriate way to act/treat another person?

There is the path to reconciling yourself. There's no way to undo what you're done. No way to excuse the way you acted, or to excuse how others acted. You need to look straight at yourself and admit what you did, and take ownership of that responsibilty. Once you're done that, be more aware of your actions and words and how they affect not only others, but yourself as well.

[deacon]

should really be in the family section since it's not about bullying or teasing someone from school or some sort. dunno why i posted it here. sorry.

I'd say that you've got a LONG way to go before you're able to cope with this. Instead of turning on your Grandma, why not look in the mirror? You're feeling guilty for how badly you treated your Grandma- and it sounds like you should feel guilty, because you acted badly. Everyone has a personality that rubs people the wrong way at one time or another. Sometimes it doesn't last long; sometimes you can count on being aggravated for as long as you're around them. But you sure don't get to blame that person for how YOU treat them- their control begins and ends with them. Unless your Grandma held a gun on all of your family members and said, "Treat me like crap, cuz I kinda like that," I'd say the guilt you're feeling is justified.

yeah i feel pretty shitty about it as i should. my relatives seem to have gotten over it already. like a burden was lifted. now that they don't have her to blame they seem to be fighting amongst themselves now. but i just don't want to see them anymore. i actually haven't made an effort to do so for years but still they visit.

the thing is she put on these airs like she was somebody. she even insulted my other grandma so i was like wtf you're living in her storage room and you have the nerve to say things about her. uhhh... many more irrational irritating crap. anyways all those things got me thinking why i should be taking care of such a person. i'm her grandson. that's not really my obligation. her children should do it. so i took steps to transfer her to a home but eventually my mom got her a place of her own. she died a couple of days later. perhaps maybe because nobody wanted to take her in. same thing actually happened to one of my grandfather's brothers. died in their sleep after transferring homes and nobody wanted to take them in after a traumatic event happened in their house and he didn't want to go back anymore.

Have you ever been in a wretched state of mind- maybe you're not feeling up to par, or maybe you're depressed and in that endless circle of being irritated because you're depressed, but just haven't got the energy to pull yourself out of it, which makes you irritated (repeat ad nauseum)? Maybe not, because you're young. Wait until you put 30 years on, and see all the tiny aches and pains, and how those irritations grate on your personality. Sure, your Gram may have been a pain in the ass. Ever put yourself in her shoes? Ever try and think of how or why a person acts the way they do? Ever take a nice long look at yourself, your aunt, your parents, and realize that maybe there was a better and more appropriate way to act/treat another person?

yes i have been in such a state but i don't bother people in such a way nor try an make their lives as miserable as mine. something which she has admitted to doing to my aunt. mostly i just stay home and don't go out and don't talk to anyone. i keep strong emotions to myself.

yes i thought about putting myself in her shoes. i do not understand her very well. where does she get that false sense of pride? the irrationality and the lack of foresight in order not to be a burden to anyone is what gets me most. since she had money before but blew it on god knows what.

my aunts in my view have other problems and with her irritating them cause them to flair up. my mom was actually nice to my grandma. she tried to take her in and is the most patient with family members. while i am similar to my aunts that i'm not tolerant of many behaviors of many family members like theft/ squatting/ borrowing money.

[Near]

the thing is she put on these airs like she was somebody. she even insulted my other grandma so i was like wtf you're living in her storage room and you have the nerve to say things about her. uhhh... many more irrational irritating crap. anyways all those things got me thinking why i should be taking care of such a person. i'm her grandson. that's not really my obligation. her children should do it. so i took steps to transfer her to a home but eventually my mom got her a place of her own. she died a couple of days later. perhaps maybe because nobody wanted to take her in. same thing actually happened to one of my grandfather's brothers. died in their sleep after transferring homes and nobody wanted to take them in after a traumatic event happened in their house and he didn't want to go back anymore.

Not everyone has the same moral obligations or perceptions and if she was in physical/psychological pain and taking it out on others is it morally permissible in your eyes to respond with such reciprocation? Maybe in her mind she was testing everyone to see if anyone actually cared for her, or maybe she actually didn't care and blamed everyone else for her situation. Regardless of her reasons I think it is best to try to understand everything that happened so that you will have better success when you have to deal with similar people in the future.

yes i have been in such a state but i don't bother people in such a way nor try an make their lives as miserable as mine. something which she has admitted to doing to my aunt. mostly i just stay home and don't go out and don't talk to anyone. i keep strong emotions to myself. yes i thought about putting myself in her shoes. i do not understand her very well. where does she get that false sense of pride? the irrationality and the lack of foresight in order not to be a burden to anyone is what gets me most. since she had money before but blew it on god knows what.

The false sense of pride stems from her inability or unwillingness to cope with reality. It sounds like she was in very much pain and disregarded any obligations due to not wanting/being able to cope with it. It seems you are having difficulty coping with this situation, you might ask yourself is it purely for self preservation or did you actually care for someone you admittedly did not particularly like nor understand and why?

[lifesight]

first of all i think this is one of the most harsh thing, i always hate sleeping angry at someone or someone angry at me, out of the fear that i might or this person might die, and would end up in such a situation.
secondly, guilt is good, it means there is a conscience, but i have to acknowledge there is nothing much i can do about it now. it would be better if i learn from it, and next time, be sure of each word i say to other people or do ( although that sound idealistic, we are humans and we make mistakes) so i would not regret it.