[sircockburn]

I'm being hit on and hitting on an INTJ I met in the library (yes, cliche I know) and we've been pinging back and forth via email/facebook and meeting in person when we can.

What's weird is that in person, he's very quiet and inhibited. I have to practically poke him to make him talk. But he's the one who initiates these meetings, so I don't know what's going on with him.

When we chat online, though, he's so much more open and free. We talk about all kinds of theories, ideas, plans and goals, etc. He's always asking me questions, I ask him questions. He's animated and intelligent.

I wondered if maybe he thought I was ugly for some reason, and didn't like being seen around me, (despite the fact that I've modelled and I get hit on by strangers all the time), but he's always commenting on how "attractive" I am. (Typical INTJ, anyone else would just say "hot" LOL)

[HIDE="Attempt with skydiving to liven him up..."]Finally in the middle of one boring date in the park, I told that I was going to drive us somewhere - a surprise. I drove him to the place I always go for skydiving, and when I parked, I let him take it all in. He spazzed out and insisted that he "would not stand for this" and that I was "trying to kill" him. I managed to convince him to do it, but when we were getting geared up and he was getting trained, he started panicking and having a heart attack again, and the facility insisted that he hold off until he was calm and ready. (Which I agree with, if he really can't hold his beans, he's a liability in the air). It was only a tandem jump, not free-fall...yeesh. [/HIDE]

I mysteriously didn't hear from him for about a week
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, but then he emailed me saying "NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. Anyway about the glacial bacteria...etc"

Do you INTJs do that with people you meet and flirt around with? Engage them online, but clam up when you meet the person (when YOU are the one who asked to meet). Oh, and he knows about my ENTJ "boyfriend", but he also knows that I plan to be rid of him soon.

[Synamon]

Introverts become extroverts online and vice versa.

[rika]

Originally Posted by sircockburn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

What's weird is that in person, he's very quiet and inhibited. I have to practically poke him to make him talk. But he's the one who initiates these meetings, so I don't know what's going on with him. When we chat online, though, he's so much more open and free. We talk about all kinds of theories, ideas, plans and goals, etc. He's always asking me questions, I ask him questions. He's animated and intelligent.

I can understand your INTJs actions quite well.

The advantage of written communication is that the INTJ has more time to think about his answer - and then you will see his best side.

Meeting face-to-face puts him too much on the spot - and that would make him go quiet.
To me this is a sign that he does not trust you completely (yet).
I suspect that once he feels really comfortable in your complany he will be more open and talkative, too.

- At least that's what I would do.

[Tito]

As an INTJ male, I can identify with your flirting buddy.

He likes you quite a lot, considering that he actually goes out of his way to ask you out and meet with you. If a person is not that important or interesting, INTJs will not go to such lengths.

Give him time to fully open up to you in person, we INTJs have a natural defense mechanism whenever we are in the presence of other people, even people we like but don't know them to the degree we would like to know them. Once he feels he knows you well, very well; then he will open up to you in person as he does online. But, he will open up just for you, he will continue to be a sort of mystery to everyone else, even your friends/family if it ever comes to introducing him to them.

[cereza]

I`m definitely more extroverted online - and more honest. Therefore, I can be more intimidating to some. In person, my social mask is stifling around people I am not absolutely comfortable with [or, if I`m not concerned about what they think]. I`m not quiet in person, but I`m constantly censoring and managing my thoughts before I vocalize.

I think your friend will become more relaxed and vocal after he categorizes you. When he makes some logical assumptions about who you are and what to expect from you, he`ll relax a bit. He might still be nervous or self-censoring because he doesn`t want to mess up his chances.

[Gobbbler]

I definitely think that many introverts are much more extroverted seeming in one-on-one interactions behind the screen. I have observed this behavior. Perhaps the screen is safe in that the interaction with the other person is limited and the behavior expected of the INTJ is more limited and straightforward. No need to be nervous about whether you should make a move, kiss, etc. They can just focus on the words and the context and it is closer to being in your own mind - whereas in real life you have a lot of other things to focus on and be aware of or self-conscious of. Also, any social anxiety can be dealt with though stopping and thinking before writing.

[SShack]

My experience with INTJs is that they really, really, really, REALLY don't like surprises. REALLY.

As the others said, much INTJ conversation (especially flirting) takes place through the use of the written word rather verbally or in person. In written conversations, my INTJ guy and I speak pretty much equally. In person though, I probably say 10 words for every one word from him. It's something you have to expect and accept.

[Cisco Skywalker]

I don't like surprises and if you had pulled the skydiving stunt with me then you would have received a very direct f&ck off. He must really like you to still be emailing you.

[jbking]

There are at least a couple of different theories to my mind as to why he could be the way he is:

1. Text vs. non-text communications. The pinging back and forth has the advantage that you don't know how long it took him to make the message. It could be a long time as he may want it to be just right. A way to test this is to consider playing a game where you each have a writing surface and instrument and instead of talking, just write down what you want to say and see how it goes. The other idea here is that perhaps he isn't used to using his voice a lot and thus is better coming at you through a keyboard of one form or another. Sitting beside each other texting with cell phones would be another way to do the experiment that may be even easier to do. Another point here is that on-line you may or may not know all he is doing to create those messages that may be a little harder when not armed with Google and other tools near one's fingertips.

2. Your impact on him. This is where by seeing you and being physical near you he is in a stressed state.
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notes:

"Just five minutes alone with an attractive female raise the levels of cortisol, the body's stress hormone, according to a study from the University of Valencia. "

Now, I'm not sure there is a fix for this other than continued exposure and hope he becomes desensitized or develops tools to handle this. It is another idea where what you could try to do is see what happens when he is with his friends and how he communicates with them to see if you are really that special oddball that may through him for a loop. In this case, I am somewhat suggesting that if you blindfold him and have a conversation you may do far better as a way to test if there is something about what he sees that is distracting him which is possible.

Just in case anyone wonders how I have these theories, part of it comes from my own observations of what I'll post in on-line forums versus what I'll actually say face to face with people. There can just be so much pressure being on the spot that could be another factor. Does he feel rushed when he is with you? How sure are you that he isn't having a sense of being rushed and frustrated? Just something else that came to me right now.

[Dasein]

As an ENTP, you really should have no problem carrying the conversation. He isn't boring, he is thinking. You will never have a better audience than an INTJ male enamoured with you. Enjoy the rapt attention. He will be more open with his feelings in text; its how he expresses himself, through written communication.
As for him not wanting to be seen with you, get real. He doesn't want to be seen with anyone, privacy is probably super important to him, and he probably doesn't like the being shown off as "the boyfriend" idea quite yet.
Sounds like he really likes you, if he calls you attractive and initiates. My INTJ has never given me a compliment on my looks, to me. He also only initiates about 20% of the time.

[Valhalla]

	Originally Posted by sircockburn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	... It was only a tandem jump, not free-fall...yeesh. ** I mysteriously didn't hear from him for about a week To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ,

He probably likes you for your brains as well as for your looks.

[Il Prodigio]

I would have freaked the F%$* out if a was out on a date with a girl and she was like....ok we are going skydiving now............holy shit.

but...that simultaneously would have been the most bad-ass thing ever. Start smaller maybe.........something less extreme where he feels like he is more in control of the situation.

I'm down to take control. It's when I feel like have absolutely none that i freeze up and go into paralysis mode.

[sircockburn]

	Originally Posted by Valhalla To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	He probably likes you for your brains as well as for your looks.

LOL the "mysteriously" remark was sarcastic.

And it's funny how some of you can identify with his irritation at the skydiving thing. I got the idea from an ex ESTP, who surprised me that exact way. I had never skydived before, so I was thrilled!

And we don't see each other ALL the time. I've known him for a few months, and he initiated probably 5-6 times. If silence and stoicism is just his nature, I'd never want to interfere with that. I was just confused, because why is he flirting around with me, but allowing ME to do all the talking in person?? Hah...

[cannotseethe]

Bah, I'd go skydiving in a heartbeat. That'd be badass. INTJ doesn't mean chickenshit.

[sircockburn]

Originally Posted by Dasein To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

As an ENTP, you really should have no problem carrying the conversation. He isn't boring, he is thinking. You will never have a better audience than an INTJ male enamoured with you. Enjoy the rapt attention. He will be more open with his feelings in text; its how he expresses himself, through written communication. As for him not wanting to be seen with you, get real. He doesn't want to be seen with anyone, privacy is probably super important to him, and he probably doesn't like the being shown off as "the boyfriend" idea quite yet. Sounds like he really likes you, if he calls you attractive and initiates. My INTJ has never given me a compliment on my looks, to me. He also only initiates about 20% of the time.

LOL he's not my "boyfriend", I don't want that kind of a label. It's just fun to play with him, when he's willing.

And Dasein, if that's you in the avatar, any straight guy would find you CHARBOILED HOT.
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[Dasein]

Ahh don't play with him
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He is probably really sensitive to rejection..
As for my looks why thanks.
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Admittedly, I feel really insecure about how attractive he sees me, though. He has never told me he likes my looks, ever. One time he said he liked how well dressed and groomed I always appear to be. I think he is being evil and knows I want the assurance, thus decides not to give it to me.
My guy is also very flirty in his texts, and shy in person. The nature of the beast.. He would also probably never consider skydiving. EVER

[Gobbbler]

Originally Posted by Dasein To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ahh don't play with him To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. He is probably really sensitive to rejection.. As for my looks why thanks. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Admittedly, I feel really insecure about how attractive he sees me, though. He has never told me he likes my looks, ever. One time he said he liked how well dressed and groomed I always appear to be. I think he is being evil and knows I want the assurance, thus decides not to give it to me. My guy is also very flirty in his texts, and shy in person. The nature of the beast.. He would also probably never consider skydiving. EVER

I was considering commenting on your situation after reading the posts below. I decided not to because I thought it would be rude to say some of what you just said. I sensed insecurities about how your guy never complimented you on your looks - perhaps why you posted so many pics of yourself in the members thread, to get reassurance from others? (Of course, maybe you're just proud of it and want people to know.) Anyway, there is a common myth/street knowledge/whatever out there about never complimenting very attractive women on their looks. Something about how they expect to hear it and they place great importance on it, so you can have them seeking approval from you if you don't. I don't know if your guy is doing this intentionally or if he's just shy about it. I do think that, as important as it is for a woman to hear it from her guy, you need to do your best to just shake it off. Of course he thinks that you're beautiful. I've had gf's who would still repeat how a previous ex never told them they were beautiful or whatever and they, to that day, still had issues because of it. I guess easier said than done. Good luck with that.

As for skydiving, yeah, it is one thing I would almost never do. If for some insane reason I had a worthwhile reason to do it (say drafted into paratroopers) I believe I could overcome my fear, but I completely identify with the poor guy on this one.

[Dasein]

@Gobbler Yes, I am very insecure about how he sees me. I know men are attracted to me, I am just concerned as to whether he is, as things are going very slowly with us.
As for posting so many of my pics, well I was just having fun
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Its a center of attention sort of urge I have; trying to shake it off since it is another thing about me I am pretty sure he is wary of. Along with the flirting.

[crabnebula]

Originally Posted by Dasein To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ahh don't play with him To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. He is probably really sensitive to rejection.. As for my looks why thanks. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Admittedly, I feel really insecure about how attractive he sees me, though. He has never told me he likes my looks, ever. One time he said he liked how well dressed and groomed I always appear to be. I think he is being evil and knows I want the assurance, thus decides not to give it to me. My guy is also very flirty in his texts, and shy in person. The nature of the beast.. He would also probably never consider skydiving. EVER

Heres the reason: You already know you are attractive. Whats the point of telling what you already know? That doesn't make sense to us, so we don't do it. Now if you really want to know, ask him directly, "Do I look attractive?" and you would definitely get an answer though it might not be the one you were expecting and I wouldn't recommend this. Just assume he finds you attractive, we don't spend time with people we are not interested in. That is a waste of our time and we like to be efficient like that!

Edit: And yeah I can relate to the INTJ in the OP. I am normally more animated and more open in online communications than face-to-face. Its easier for me to think about a good response and type it out than blurt one out spontaneously. That also means, that when I am listening to you, I am more thinking than listening. About that sky-diving part, I absolutely would have loved that surprise because I do love sky-diving. But if that were something I wouldn't like, I would have reacted as your INTJ. So it depends on the person and not a characteristic of every INTJ.

[fwiffo]

	Originally Posted by sircockburn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm being hit on and hitting on an INTJ I met in the library (yes, cliche I know) and we've been pinging back and forth via email/facebook and meeting in person when we can. What's weird is that in person, he's very quiet and inhibited. I have to practically poke him to make him talk. But he's the one who initiates these meetings, so I don't know what's going on with him.

A bit of false common knowledge is that people love being asked questions so they can talk about themselves. For introverts, talking about ourselves can be uncomfortable at certain levels, so be careful with how much "poking" you do to make him talk.

In truth, most long silences don't make me uncomfortable. I'm thinking. When I've made a complete thought, then I'll share it if it's worth sharing. I don't like being rushed or put on the spot.

My partner is an ENTP, and it took him a while to become acclimated to the long "uncomfortable" silences between us. It helped him to think of it as a game of trying to stay quiet long enough to outlast me. This is a difference between us that we still work on. His Fe gets all tingly when I'm too quiet, and he'll try to poke me and put me on the spot. One-on-one it's okay, but I really dislike when he does this in group settings.

	When we chat online, though, he's so much more open and free. We talk about all kinds of theories, ideas, plans and goals, etc. He's always asking me questions, I ask him questions. He's animated and intelligent.

This is the difference between Ne and Ni. Ne finds expression easy, and Ni finds expression quite difficult. Ne is like a freewrite brainstorm. Ni is like a proofread & revised paper. It's much easier to truly express Ni in writing. Trying to express it verbally results in a halting speech style that is considered socially awkward and thus avoided except with the closest friends. Or, it results in an inaccurate expression of our thoughts, which drives us crazy. I hate sharing thoughts that I haven't figured out how to thoroughly express.

[HIDE="Attempt with skydiving to liven him up..."]Finally in the middle of one boring date in the park, I told that I was going to drive us somewhere - a surprise. I drove him to the place I always go for skydiving, and when I parked, I let him take it all in. He spazzed out and insisted that he "would not stand for this" and that I was "trying to kill" him. I managed to convince him to do it, but when we were getting geared up and he was getting trained, he started panicking and having a heart attack again, and the facility insisted that he hold off until he was calm and ready. (Which I agree with, if he really can't hold his beans, he's a liability in the air). It was only a tandem jump, not free-fall...yeesh. [/HIDE] I mysteriously didn't hear from him for about a week To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , but then he emailed me saying "NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. Anyway about the glacial bacteria...etc"

Wow. I would HATE that.

Surprises are good as long as they're small. A card. Cupcakes. A massage. Those are all nice. Big surprises freak me out. If I was going to sky dive, I would need at least a week advance knowledge to prepare myself mentally. (Though considering how I don't like rollercoasters and get motion sick easily, I probably wouldn't sky dive anyway, which makes it even worse.)

	Do you INTJs do that with people you meet and flirt around with? Engage them online, but clam up when you meet the person (when YOU are the one who asked to meet). Oh, and he knows about my ENTJ "boyfriend", but he also knows that I plan to be rid of him soon.

I used to do that, but I have enough social practice now that I don't.

[MortalWombat]

	Originally Posted by Synamon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Introverts become extroverts online and vice versa.

Not always. I'm introverted online and offline. I read about 50 threads a day, but respond to maybe, one?

I think I'm nicer, online. I tend to be much more sarcastic in person. I also get fed up with boring/ignorant/nonsensical people faster in person, and handle them accordingly.

[shytiger]

Originally Posted by sircockburn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I mysteriously didn't hear from him for about a week To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , but then he emailed me saying "NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN. Anyway about the glacial bacteria...etc" Do you INTJs do that with people you meet and flirt around with? Engage them online, but clam up when you meet the person (when YOU are the one who asked to meet).

Wow, I would have made you turn the car around and possibly cowered in the back seat. He must really like you.

I'm a mixed bag with conversation. It depends on the topic. If I know a lot about it, I will talk a lot. If I don't, then I won't. I can be much more gregarious online because I have time to ponder what to say, correct my grammar, make everything perfect. I tend to steer conversations to topics I know well for that reason.

Edit: I would say I'm pretty friendly in person, just quieter.

[MiasmaResonance]

They're actually nicer in person.

Trust me.
One actually tickled me once.

..That was quite the shock..

[Elfrun]

	Originally Posted by Synamon To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Introverts become extroverts online and vice versa.

Oops
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Online is a good forum for those who like to think before they speak. I guess.

[JohnDoe]

Skydiving... All I can say is that anyone who surprised me by making me skydive better later surprise me with a lapdance. (Anything but skydiving is ok... but why would you jump out of a perfectly good plane?)