How to keep the momentum going in long term relationships

**rika** · 05-16-2010, 09:39 AM

How do you INTJs make sure that the momentum keeps going in long term relationships?
What do you do to keep it interesting?
Stability is good but surely not sufficient for an INTJ?

**Feral** · 05-16-2010, 11:30 AM

I pick my battles carefully.
I never act in anger. If something makes me mad, I'll go stew about it until I figure out why it pissed me off. 80% of the time I can work out why whoever did what they did, and as long as I can understand his point of view, I know he's not trying to piss me off. If it still pisses me off after a long think, then I'll present it and explain it to him calmly.
I'll be affectionate even if I don't feel like it.
We talk a lot, about everything, all the time.
We spend almost every moment that I'm not at work together, we just don't run out of things to talk about. And if we do, there's nothing wrong with a comfortable silence.

Life is chaotic enough without trying to seek it out, so we don't really go looking for anything. It just comes.

**daydreamer** · 05-16-2010, 01:12 PM

momentum? life has a way of supplying its own momentum.

**zibber** · 05-17-2010, 03:45 AM

You are both individuals with evolving lives. (Translation: you keep doing new shit.) There is your momentum
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**Ilara** · 05-17-2010, 01:26 PM

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You are both individuals with evolving lives. (Translation: you keep doing new shit.) There is your momentum To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Pretty much this.

I like stability and comfort in a personal relationship (which means a lot of frank and open communication--some very uncomfortable for an INTJ like me, but ultimately quite productive). I don't want the relationship itself to have momentum; I want the people in it to have that momentum, and the relationship itself to be calm.

A good metaphor is a fast river; the surface is calm, but it's moving!

**Haildancer** · 05-17-2010, 02:31 PM

For me, keeping a relationship "on track" (as far as myself wanting to be there, appreciating and enjoying the other person, and having the desire to continue the relationship), requires both parties to remain driven toward their individual and collective desires, understanding of change and difficulty, and refusal of allowing one another to become complacent or unappreciative.

I also find that a few other things negatively affect the continued momentum and success of a relationship, namely:

-One enters the relationship with intent to change their partner, finding fault in things that are innate parts of the other person, and then becoming resentful that their partner is not bending over backwards to change who they are. These types often exhibit your typical "shock-and-awe" when dumped (if you don't like me for who I am, I can find someone who does!).

-Believing that maintaining the status quo in a train-wreck of a relationship is better than any alternative. Misery might love company, but that doesn't mean I have to show up.

-Being unsupportive of the things that most inspire the other/not assisting their partner in becoming the best they can be. Being in a lasting relationship requires being supportive of your partner's dreams and aspirations.

-Dishonest communication. It's worse than no communication at all. Being supportive does not mean sugar-coating.

**Distance** · 05-17-2010, 02:44 PM

Grow together, rather than apart. Also, before entering into anything serious, make sure your values and goals are the same or similar enough so you end up working together.

**Odd Thomas** · 05-17-2010, 02:52 PM

	Originally Posted by Feral To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	...We spend almost every moment that I'm not at work together

This is what destroyed my last LTR. All was going great for the first year as our work schedules were opposite and we were only spending one or two nights a week together. But once she switched to weekday shifts and wanted to be spend every evening (and all day on the weekends) together things went downhill rather quickly.

**plotthickens** · 05-17-2010, 03:39 PM

Quality time together with nothing but you two.
Experiencing adrenaline rushes together, such as roller coasters: this neurochemistry creates bonding.
Doing quality activities together such as Habitat for Humanity: activities together with a virtuous focus are bonding.
Spending quiet time apart to realize what you mean to each other.
Physically play together. All social animals play; to roughhouse gently is to show trust in each other in a very old part of the mammal brain.
Above all: communicate, communicate, communicate.

05-16-2010, 09:39 AM	#1
rika Member [19%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 799	How do you INTJs make sure that the momentum keeps going in long term relationships? What do you do to keep it interesting? Stability is good but surely not sufficient for an INTJ?
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05-16-2010, 11:30 AM	#2
Feral Veteran Member [59%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 2,377	I pick my battles carefully. I never act in anger. If something makes me mad, I'll go stew about it until I figure out why it pissed me off. 80% of the time I can work out why whoever did what they did, and as long as I can understand his point of view, I know he's not trying to piss me off. If it still pisses me off after a long think, then I'll present it and explain it to him calmly. I'll be affectionate even if I don't feel like it. We talk a lot, about everything, all the time. We spend almost every moment that I'm not at work together, we just don't run out of things to talk about. And if we do, there's nothing wrong with a comfortable silence. Life is chaotic enough without trying to seek it out, so we don't really go looking for anything. It just comes.
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05-16-2010, 01:12 PM	#3
daydreamer Veteran Member [66%] MBTI: xntx Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 2,644	momentum? life has a way of supplying its own momentum.
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05-17-2010, 03:45 AM	#4
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,309	You are both individuals with evolving lives. (Translation: you keep doing new shit.) There is your momentum To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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05-17-2010, 02:31 PM	#6
Haildancer Member [08%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 344	For me, keeping a relationship "on track" (as far as myself wanting to be there, appreciating and enjoying the other person, and having the desire to continue the relationship), requires both parties to remain driven toward their individual and collective desires, understanding of change and difficulty, and refusal of allowing one another to become complacent or unappreciative. I also find that a few other things negatively affect the continued momentum and success of a relationship, namely: -One enters the relationship with intent to change their partner, finding fault in things that are innate parts of the other person, and then becoming resentful that their partner is not bending over backwards to change who they are. These types often exhibit your typical "shock-and-awe" when dumped (if you don't like me for who I am, I can find someone who does!). -Believing that maintaining the status quo in a train-wreck of a relationship is better than any alternative. Misery might love company, but that doesn't mean I have to show up. -Being unsupportive of the things that most inspire the other/not assisting their partner in becoming the best they can be. Being in a lasting relationship requires being supportive of your partner's dreams and aspirations. -Dishonest communication. It's worse than no communication at all. Being supportive does not mean sugar-coating.
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05-17-2010, 02:44 PM	#7
Distance Core Member [412%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 16,488	Grow together, rather than apart. Also, before entering into anything serious, make sure your values and goals are the same or similar enough so you end up working together.
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05-17-2010, 03:39 PM	#9
plotthickens Core Member [663%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,527	Quality time together with nothing but you two. Experiencing adrenaline rushes together, such as roller coasters: this neurochemistry creates bonding. Doing quality activities together such as Habitat for Humanity: activities together with a virtuous focus are bonding. Spending quiet time apart to realize what you mean to each other. Physically play together. All social animals play; to roughhouse gently is to show trust in each other in a very old part of the mammal brain. Above all: communicate, communicate, communicate.
plotthickens is offline post a comment